What was the best burn or roast you ever said to someone?

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#1

I have a list right here when I was only 7

Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
Someday you’ll go far. I hope you stay there.
The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.

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Galactic wolf Of the nebula
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Galactic wolf Of the nebula (Submission author)
Galactic wolf Of the nebula
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3 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

if anyone wants, I can roast them(example: You are like a cloud. When you disappear it’s a beautiful day.)

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    #2

    One time i was in an argument with my friend and they said want to fight? and I said no because that would be animal abuse I'm now the roast god at my school

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    royale..luvss.xd
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    #3

    The boy at school made fun of my favorite headband. I just rolled my eyes and said "Tell me, is your butt jealous of the amount of s**t coming out of your mouth?"

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    Cara Strong
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    #4

    As a teen, a bunch of us were hanging out. I had just got my eyebrow pierced. (I don't have it anymore lol) Some friend of a friend looked at me (I'm a female he was male) and said, I have my d**k pierced. As if that was to make me go all swoony on him. I just said mmhmm. He went on to say "Yea you should hear the bitches moan... you know ribbed for her pleasure." (or some retarded ass thing along those lines.) I said, "Bro, if you have to have your d**k pierced to pleasure a woman, you weren't doing it right in the first place."

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    AzKhaleesi
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    #5

    one time in elementary school an annoying girl cam up to me and said "are you wearing 2 different colored hairties" I said yeah and she said "well that's ugly" so I said "you know what else is ugly? that look on your face so wipe it off before I smack it off"

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    clever username
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    #6

    I once told this girl that her eyebrows were thinner than cheap toilet paper.

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    AnGeLiCa
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    #7

    A guy at my school had just said, is it hot in here or is it just me? He meant that like calling himself handsome, I looked him straight in the eye, and said, “Dude. Your face is birth control.” And I walked away.

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    Rebekah Tracy
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    #8

    I don't think I've ever delivered a roast, but this always sticks in my mind:
    Barman: "Are you a fighting man?"
    Me: “No...why?”
    Barman: “Well, you didn’t get a face like that by smiling”
    I was both deeply embarrassed and so amused, I think I just laughed

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    Jon S.
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    #9

    A buddy and I were slowly driving by an Arby's and I pointed to it saying we should stop for lunch. There happened to be two girls sitting out front (one snobby popular looking type, one frumpy bookish type), and the snobby one thought we were checking her out an yelled. "What the hell are you looking at?" In a moment of inspiration I yelled back, "Your friend!" The car was moving so I never got to see their reactions, but I know in my heart that it was priceless.

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    Wintermute
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    Katie
    Katie
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    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I said to a boyfriend once being a smart ass “what are you looking at?” He answered “I don’t know crap doesn’t come with labels”. We both have very dark senses of humour and I knew it was a joke. He also had older brothers and was the stock standard response to them.

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    #10

    Me and my friend were painting and my friend said my painting was ugly. So I said: “it’s prettier than your personality!” She turned out to be a toxic friend, and I could kind of tell.

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    Grey Unicorn
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    #11

    One time, there was this kid in my neighborhood that bullied my little brother. My dad asked me what is the meanest thing that I could say to him. I answered, “Get out of my face before my fist goes in yours.”

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    Rando Pando
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    #12

    Not really a roast, but I was about to get into a fight and I said, "Got a preferred hospital?"

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    Wolfowl
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    #13

    mine is when dirty ass homophobe telling me that I was sin and i would go to hell etc so i said I've searched high and low through mountains and deserts from countries to states to cities to find where f*****g cared. another one is a guy was like being a bitch a attempting to roast me so I just said I would roast you but my mom said not to burn trash XD

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    couch potato
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    #14

    This girl in my art class was talking to her friend, she was being so loud and annoying. Nobody wanted to hear about her life, and even the teacher looked ready to punch her. After many people had asked her to be quieter or stop, I had finally had enough. I grabbed some scissors, and handed them to her, and said "Here are some scissors Mellisa*, because you need to cut it out". She shut up after that. : )
    Not really a roast, but I felt pretty powerful. I was also a really petty and passive aggressive child when I was younger.
    * Name was changed for person's privacy

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    Emmy the short one
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    #15

    Here are a couple I’ve used:
    Girl in my class: You’re so unapproachable. You always listen to music and never talk to anyone.
    Me: And yet, here you are.
    In second grade:
    Guy: I have a crush on you.
    Me: It will go away.
    Lastly in middle school:
    Guy who I had a project with (who btw was an annoying bitch who would always try to get my answers even though he could do the work): I don’t know, give me your answers
    Me: Sweetie, I’m gonna need you to put those few remaining brain cells together and work with me here, ok?

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    Bliss
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    #16

    I showed this kid a pic of my dog and his idiot self said, "Your dog is so ugly he hurts my eyeballs." So I naturally said, "Yeah your mom hurts my eyeballs too."

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    𝕁𝕖𝕟𝕟𝕪𝔹𝕖𝕖
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    #17

    One time there was this kid who bullied me verbally and followed me around riling me up so he said something and I replied with get outta my life you ugly brontosaurus. That episode ended up with me whacking him with a stick on the back and now he’s scared of me I think

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    *me*
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    #18

    This is when I was ADDICTED to basketball, and I was like 7-9.
    Me and some of my best friends were doing something, then the rest is history but I remember saying:
    "Your hairline goes so back they had to call it a back a back court violation"

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    Physo
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    #19

    i once told a friend (which ended our friendship btw) were you born on a highway cause thats where most accidents happen.

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    Ronnie Wiley
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    #20

    (insert roast here)

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    King of the potato's
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    #21

    This one time this girl was being really mean to my friend, and started talking about how "pretty" she was, as she was skinny. I couldn't help it. Said "Oh, honey, your face is passable, but that personality you should put a bag over, and another, in case its so horrifying it melts the first bag."

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    yut lung
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    #22

    1) "[Person's name] has a negative and too high of a nonexistent ego." I didn't say this directly to them because I'm a wimp but I did angrily say it to one of my friends.

    2) [This was in elementary school]
    Person: Omg you dress like a little girl and I dress like a teenager.
    Me (something along the lines of): Oh wow, a teenager in elementary school? How stupid are you?

    3)
    Person: This is really dumb.
    Me: Has anyone taught you that boasting about yourself isn't nice?

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    Jerry Can
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    #23

    One person was complaining that he feels stuck, even though he changed like 4 jobs, and a few girlfriends through that year. I said "If you think you're stuck, imagine how stuck others feel around you." I don't know if it makes sense, but yeah.

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    Titas Burinskas
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    #24

    I told them they didn't have any friends...later found out I was right

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    Nudge
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    #25

    I am female. I was waiting at a traffic stop and some guy came up to me. He started telling me that I should smile. I asked him why. He then told me that if I didn't start to smile he'd think of me as a man.
    I looked him up and down and said "Please do".

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    Pepper Sergent
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    #26

    I was talking to my mom and she said something about learning what rocks i was using for my rock tumbler

    Mom: How about you learn what type of rock they are?
    Me: No
    Mom: Why?
    Me: Because I don't wanna be a know-it-all like you

    She was silent for five minuets.

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    Tess Kunkel38078
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    #27

    I was at the gym and not wearing my glasses. So I often just stare into space , a girl walks up to me and starts unloading on how rude it was for me to stare. I responded with “Listen chica, first of all Im gay as f**k and second of all.... ew.”

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    Diego
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    #28

    I prefer cold roast, i'm very polite. There was a chemical fire in my town and i was at a public meeting about it. I knew that the firefighters were not wearing the proper devices for that kind of fire. I asked the governor about it after the meeting. He told me "oh you are a firefighter wife!?", i just told him, smiling, "no sir, i'm just a scientist". Meaning "you are such a misogynistic a...hole" but in a very polite way. He got it.

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    cassiushumanmother
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    #29

    I was at a bar with a bunch of girlfriends and this guy kept trying to intrude on our conversation. I looked at him and said "Cluck off! This is a hen party."

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    R Carson
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    #30

    ok so, I have a ton of them, but they all follow one strategy. the strategy is, basically turing it against them or using it to paint them in a bad light and you in a good one. eg: person: you suck at school so much, your worse than my dog at it! you: at least i have some skill in it, unlike you. or, if someone just calls you a name and their cronies laugh about it, just say: at least I'm something/someone

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    Arachnid
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    #31

    "Listen, I may be 'stupid', but at least I didn't fall out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

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    Black Pearl
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    #32

    Boy: *walks up to me* "You are cursed with being short forever"
    Me: Angrily kicks him in the shins
    Boy: *scream* falls over
    My friend: You are cursed with a hurting shin
    (That boy will not be bothering me again anytime soon...)

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    Reese2906Hi
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    #33

    In primary school I was the nerd, the high performer, average looking. My "nemesis" was the prettiest girl in school (we were classmates). I went on to a great high school then university, she became a beauty queen and beautician. When both 19, we were preparing for the school leaving balls, we were at our hairdresser at the same time (did not meet until then). She looked immaculate. She finished first, I still sat at the chair. She bent forward and touched my knees and with a condescending voice said: "Well, be pretty" and she winked. And I replied "YOU should be pretty" she flashed her best beauty queen smile and turned. Then I casually added: "I am smart already". She looked back and her face fell and then I dropped my best attempt at a beauty queen smile. It worked.

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    candarorum
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    #34

    One time someone told me that my artwork and stories weren't useful and told me that I should kill myself. I basically ignored this person but couldn't resist saying this: "If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump down to your IQ." I don't think I've ever been more proud of a roast.

    Also, recently, one of my friends was telling me about how he wanted to ask out this girl but was scared to. At the same time, he was terrified that he would miss out on meeting the love of his life. I got super uncomfortable and just stuttered out, "How much Twilight have you been reading?"

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    Little Lark
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    #35

    Maybe not a roast, but it felt good all the same. If anyone has made lasagna, you know it takes a long time.

    At dinner, my older brother complained it was "cold". I slammed my hand down on his plate of lasagna saying, "NO, IT ISN'T"!

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    Vicki Donaldson
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    #36

    My sister was calling me names because I told her to clean her mess up, so I said, I’m not your mirror. She didn’t get it but it was still awesome

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    PineappleQueen
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    #37

    I once overheard a lady talking on the phone and she said, “you know, you aren’t an asshole. You are worse than an asshole. You are the toilet paper that wipes the asshole.”

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    Daisy
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    #38

    Not my story

    girl was getting bullied at school because she was adopted and she replied "well at least my parents chose me your parents are stuck with you!"

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    Emylisah Bazile
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    anjolaoluwaadenuga avatar
    Love unicorns
    Love unicorns
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    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Very good comeback and I really don't understand the big deal about being adopted because it's not like you are a lesser person

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    #39

    My father told me I’d inherited his brains. I observed that that explained why he didn’t have any.

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    Camilla Koutsos
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    #40

    Had a scam company calling me up to 6 times a day over months to tell me I have to pay for prize games I signed in for (which I certainly didn't). The call that ended it:

    "If you call me one more time, I personally get down south to you and leave a mess for CSI in your office that will make a Dolcett comic look like a MLP colouring book in comparison". (Imagine a Liam Neelson "Taken" tone with that)

    "Sir you know that this is a threat, right?"

    "What you gonna do, call the police?". And magically there was this beautiful silence

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    J. F.
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    #41

    it was like a 2-day long roasting battle at my school and someone started on me and i said "If being smart was a crime, you would be abiding by the law."

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    Half-Jewish-Doggo
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    #42

    Saturday noon at a supermarket. A sportscar used 2 parkinglots while the place was overloaded anyway. When I disinfected my hands at the entrance a woman came with her soppingcard and pushed me aside without a word.
    I smiled at her: "Is that BMW right in front of the door yours?"
    "Oh, yes!" She smiled radiantly. "How do you know?"
    "Because the manner of you parking meets your behavior here"

    Sadly I didn’t even feel as well as I thought I would after this.

    And in addition to some of the posts here: There’s a difference between "roasting" somebody and offending them. Just saying.

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    Tassenküchlein168
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    #43

    I was missing my anniversary on Valentines day in order to attend a business dinner at my first executive job. We were all meeting up at the restaurant and I was a bit early. I sat out front on the patio waiting for my group when an obviously drunken man and his date came swaggering by and he decided he would be a show off to his "gal" and say to me..."Give it up girl, he's not coming. You've been stood up!" I was a bit pissed but managed to stand and say... "I know, right. I should have gone with a professional like you did." He thought it was hilarious, his wife however nearly whipped my a*s.

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    Tuna Fish
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    #44

    Two years ago I was in the locker room changing and a kid from my class started bragging that his team beat this other, older kids team. The older kid exploded because the first kid let his team carry him, and started raging "I SCORED FOUR TIMES THE POINTS YOU SCORED! HOW MANY POINTS DID YOU SCORE! ZERO!!" and then everybody was quiet and kind of in shock cause the bigger kid was heckin' loud but as he was walking away I reached out and tapped him on the shoulder to let him know that 4 times 0 is still 0.

    I get reminded of that probably five times a month LOL

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    Gabriel Schlabach
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    #45

    Long time ago. (51yrs). I never considered myself a popular girl. And if a popular boy wanted anything to do with me it was probably to make me the brunt of a joke.
    So I'm 13, in class and we were just sitting around chatting. Suddenly someone says to me, hey, D, so and so wants you. Without missing a beat I turn around and loudly say
    "Well I don't want him!"
    And turn back around to my friends. Whole class gasped.

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    H.L.Lewis
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    #46

    Ok so this was a ta coaching center.
    This girl, not gonna use her name, was boasting about how she was like the most popular and a ‘bad girl’. I went up to her and I was like, damn, how did you get through the door if your head was that big. She just rolled her eyes and I was like, keep rolling them eyes, you might find a brain back there. 😈

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    🦊Vivian Zhang🦊
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    #47

    Not me, but a girl and boy in my class were arguing and...
    Girl: At least I'm not the one my mother thinks is a failure
    Boy: Sorry, but I don't talk to mistakes


    btw these are 12 year ols

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    Love unicorns
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    #48

    I would say my favorite was: "I don't think it's healthy to let THAT much s**t out of your mouth."

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    TrixicBird(Any pronouns)
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    #49

    umm so there is this kid and he said i dont like u and i said i have many personalities and none like u 🦊👍✨

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    °•Ashido Mina•°
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    #50

    I been called ugly a whole lot growing up. Got big ass dark circles around my eyes. Their there, nothing to do about it.

    So I was called ugly again, I had an 'ugly face' to which I, as a 14 year old yelled 'I rather have an ugly face, than an ugly charakter"

    Still very proud of that.

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    Dark Pigeon
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    #51

    I once said "If I had a face like yours, I would sue my parents" to a mean guy.

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    𝕎𝕣𝕖𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕓𝕚𝕣𝕕𝕚𝕖
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    #52

    I was walking with my friends in the school hallways and this idiot came up to us and started being annoying, and he kept asking this same dumb question, so i said “i must have Alzheimer’s because I don’t remember asking. He just stared at me and then said, “yeah, go kill yourself”. Me, (being on a roll) just said “ if i wanted to kill my self i would climb up your ego level and jump down your iq level

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    Nolan Schekel
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    #53

    I often blurt things out without thinking them through. Even more so than i was younger. Back in my student years, i was taking a bus. Since it was very crowded, i slowly made my way to the exit before it reached my stop. I was standing right next to the door when this really old woman came along, trying to push me aside really hard. At first i did not pay any attention to her. It's not like any of us would get out while the bus was moving. But she kept pushing and hitting me with her elbow so i blurted "Why do you keep pushing people? Are you running late for your funeral?" and then just ignored angry rant about disrespecting elders.

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    Origami Chik3n
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    #54

    There is this annoying and slightly mean boy that goes to my school. I told him he'd probably survive the zombie apocalypse, because zombies are looking for brains. Everytime I see him he says he wouldn't survive.

    Also, (this wasn't just me) my choir teacher was asking who's names he messed up after he took attendance, and a few people raised their hands (including me). Then he asked who wished he was smarter than he was. About two thirds of the class raised their hands(including me).

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    Silver the Sloth (they/them)️‍️️‍️‍️️‍
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    #55

    not me but my cousin we where camping with our grandparents and we where eating off of zoopal plates and she had a pig and when she was done eating she held up the plate to her head and said this is you parker witch caught us all off guard and made us laugh

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    Layka Grant
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    27jagraw avatar
    𝕁𝕖𝕟𝕟𝕪𝔹𝕖𝕖
    𝕁𝕖𝕟𝕟𝕪𝔹𝕖𝕖
    Community Member
    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Hi I'm Parker pig *Oink* this is my little brother George *oink oink* this is Mummy pig *OINK* and this is Daddy pig! *OIIIIIINK*

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    #56

    oh well cool 🙃... not really a burn but just act passive and be unimpressed at everything they say

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    Evan Adams
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    #57

    (This may be a bit mean, but..)

    So this was over a class zoom and someone was just spamming "Follow me on [social media website] please I'm [enter username] and i'm pretty or smth like that and I replied "If your pretty then act like it" and she shut up

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    Paul Budhram
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    #58

    I didn't roast anyone but this boy was being annoying, I wanted to eat my pancakes in peace 'cause it was my first time at an ihop and we were in Hawaii for some music tour thingy, (This was in 5th grade btw) and I threatened to bite him. I bit him on the hand. what can u do, eh?

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    Meko
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    #59

    When someone tells me something I dont want to hear about i say im no ears

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    Malek Basata
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    #60

    Ok how about "yo mama so ugly, when one direction saw her, they walked the other direction."

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    Micheal Jordan
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    #61

    To my very thin niece... "I have seen more meat on a butchers apron ".

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    Madbilby
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