I am a HUGE fan of bad dad jokes! I tell them to anyone and everyone, and the more groans and eye-rolls I get, the better! Throw yours into the ring for a joke-off of epic proportions! I’ll go first: Why did the old grape become a rancher? Because he was so good at raisin’ the steaks!

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#1

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

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Nathaniel (He/Him) Cis Het.
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    #2

    Why did the old man fall down the well?


    He couldn't see that well

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    David Scholl
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    #3

    A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit looks at the others and says "I think I'm a typo."

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    Haley S
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    marekctrnact avatar
    Marek Čtrnáct
    Marek Čtrnáct
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    1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    There's also a version with blood donation, where the rabbit is Type 0.

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    #4

    what’s brown and stickey?

    a stick

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    Mike_the_nike
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    #5

    Why did the scarecrow win the award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

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    Dr.Caffeine
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    #6

    What do you call a white drunken rhinoceros? An albino wino rhino.

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    Richard Graham
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    #7

    What did the tomato say to his son when they went on a walk?
    Ketchup son you’ll be left behind

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    /th3/-!art!-“0f”-(m|e)
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    #8

    What’s Medusa’s favorite cheese?

    Gorgon-zola

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    and_a_touch_of_the_’tism
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    #9

    My Dad would say before a dance You can dance cheek to cheek or turn around and face each other

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    Jelio13
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    #10

    A dung beetle walks into a bar. Looks around and decides to leave. All the stools were taken.

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    Geoff Pearce
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    #11

    Three pieces of string walk into a bar.
    The first piece of string goes up and asks for three beers.
    The barkeep says. “Are you a piece of string?”
    The String replies “yes”
    “Sorry… we don’t serve string here.”
    The second piece of string tries his luck.
    “Are you a piece of string?”
    “Yes…”
    “Sorry, we don’t serve string here.”
    Before the third piece of string goes up to the bar, he goes into the restroom and twists himself up and one end and fluffs out his edges.
    He goes up to the bar and asks “Can I have three beers please”
    The Barkeep eyes him suspiciously. “Are you a piece of string?”
    “No… I’m a frayed knot”

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    Ozzyols
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    marythepoem avatar
    Mary Peace
    Mary Peace
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "A frayed knot" sounds like "Afraid not", in case anyone wondered. First time I heard it, I got a bit sort of 'tied up'!

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    #12

    Kid: "dad I'm hungry"
    Dad:"I'm Austria the country nextdoor"

    Kid:"How long until dinner"
    Dad:"about 3 and a half foot"

    Kid:"Am I adopted?"
    Dad:"if I had a choice do you reckon I'd would've picked you?"

    These are all joke my dad says lol

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    Mickysixxx
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    #13

    Two ppl are arguing abt Orion’s Belt. One says it’s just a waist of space *badum tiss*

    I’m sorry that joke is only a 3 star.

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    Anya Is a ghost
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    marythepoem avatar
    Mary Peace
    Mary Peace
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So you had time to type *badum tiss* but not *people*. Upvote because at least it's a new one to me.

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    #14

    Me: Hey Dad i’m hungry
    Dad: Hey hungry i’m Dad

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    /th3/-!art!-“0f”-(m|e)
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    #15

    Me: *Turns on Call Me Maybe*
    My Dad: Why does she want to be called Maybe?
    And that is my favorite bad dad joke. Actually, I have another one.
    Me: *Listening to Savage Love*
    My Dad: *singing along* SHELLFISH LOVE
    That's my two favorite Low Quality Dad Jokes™

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    that weird wallflower is demi
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    #16

    Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
    They're making headlines!

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    David Furritus
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    marythepoem avatar
    Mary Peace
    Mary Peace
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This one took me a moment, did other people get it straight off?

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    #17

    My all time favorite joke is kinda a dad joke. So a lion and a giraffe walk into a bar and order a ton of drinks. The giraffe gets drunk and falls down. The lion gets up and the bartender says "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there" to which the lion replies, "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe" lol never fails to make me laugh.

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    DennyS (denzoren)
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    marythepoem avatar
    Mary Peace
    Mary Peace
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I think this is a good one, but then I do like a play-on-words.

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    #18

    What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it flies into the car driving down the highway? It's butt

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    Disona
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    #19

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    To get to your house!
    *say it like its absolutely hilarious, and then a minute or so later say...*
    Knock knock!
    Who's there?
    The chicken!!!

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    Cheese
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    478llamas avatar
    mysterious
    mysterious
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    There's a meaner version of this joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house. And then you do the rest of the joke, essentially just calling them an idiot.

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    #20

    Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9
    But why did 7 do that you ask? Well, you should have 3 squared meals per day

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    TotallyNOTaFox
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    #21

    So a father walks in and catches his son masturbating and he says son if you keep beating that thing you're going to go blind he said Dad I'm over here

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    Jasan Luke
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    #22

    What do you call a ship that lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers......... A nervous wreck.

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    Hollerfloozy
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    #23

    Are you freezing? Go to the corner there it is 90 degrees

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    Duckbadger
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    #24

    What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

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    HC
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    #25

    What did the hyena say when she saw the five elephants coming up the hill?
    "here comes the five elephants up the hill !"

    What did the hyena say when she saw the five elephants coming up with sunglasses ?
    Nothing, she didn't recognize them.

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    never-wake-up (fae/faer)
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    #26

    Why did a scarecrow win an award?
    .
    .
    because he was outstanding in his field!

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    Neb Skram
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    #27

    What do you call a well-dressed fish?
    So-fish-ticated!

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    mysterious(he/they, maybe?)
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    #28

    Hey, did you know male bees die after mating? So their whole life is Honey, Nut, Cheerio.

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    VonBlade
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    marythepoem avatar
    Mary Peace
    Mary Peace
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Sad for anyone who hasn't heard of the cereal. Must be places where they don't have Honey Nut Cheerios.

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    #29

    Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. Coincidence? I think not...

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    Apatheist Account2
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    #30

    Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

    You have my Word.

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    Mr. COYS
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    #31

    What part of the body dies last?

    The pupils. They dilate.

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    Angel Stage
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    #32

    I go to my favorite band's concerts and stand next to them and blow. I'm a big fan.

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    Angrypineapple
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    #33

    Sweden recently started putting barcode on their fleet of ships. It's so they can Scandinavian.

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    Rachel Reynolds
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    #34

    What do mice use to floss their teeth? String cheese! (I work for a dental office)

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    DiscoqueenJ
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    cupimack88 avatar
    Mackenzie cupit
    Mackenzie cupit
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Waittttt mice go to the dentist… WAIT THAT MUST MEAN DENTISTS HAVE STRING CHEESE

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    #35

    What word starts with "F" and ends with "uck"?

    Firetruck

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    Richard Graham
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    #36

    Why did the coffee cup go to the police station?

    He was mugged.

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    ChocolateCake
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    #37

    Put the kettle on! It doesn't fit. I love my dad.

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    Auntriarch
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    #38

    why do Bears have a hairy coats?

    Fur Protection

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    Neb Skram
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    #39

    Dad: What do you call a dog with no legs
    Son: I don't know
    Dad: A dog with no legs!
    Son: *Under breath how did I not see that coming*

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    *•.¸𝕘๏๏𝘴ê𝕘๏𝔡¸.•*
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    #40

    Him: why did the chicken cross the street?
    Me: idk why?
    Him: To get the Chinese Newspaper! … do you get it?
    Me: No
    Him: Me neither, I get the (insert local newspaper)

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    The Cuckoo
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    #41

    What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
    One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean.

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    Oh? when?
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    #42

    This is a long one....
    Three workers sit down for lunch. They all open their lunch boxes and groan.
    'oh no' says the first one, 'not cheese again!'
    'oh no!' says the second one 'not honey again!'
    'oh no' says the third one 'not marmite again!'
    The next day, they open their lunches, and it's the same again. this time, they all decide that, if they have the same again tomorrow, they're all running away. The day after, they all have the same sandwiches again, and all run away. The next day, their partners meet up to comisserate.
    'Its my fault' said the first one's partner ' that was one cheese sandwich too many.'
    'Its my fault.' said the second one's partner ' that was one honey sandwich too many'
    'I don't know what happened' said the third ones partner 'he made his own lunches!'

    **Apologies for the clunky phrasing, the original was quite sexist

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    Rhianna Hollowaye
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    marythepoem avatar
    Mary Peace
    Mary Peace
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yes i remember the original, with male workers, and women at home dutifully making their sandwiches!

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    #43

    Shall I tell you the joke about the empty house?
    No, there's nothing in it

    Shall I tell you the joke about the body snatchers?
    No, you might get carried away

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    Rhianna Hollowaye
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    #44

    How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie into it.

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    LILLIAN BREAUX
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    #45

    What do you get when you put your hand in a blender? A handshake lol

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    Jesse Hoover
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    #46

    Do you know the difference between girl babies and boy babies???? Blue booties.

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    Hollerfloozy
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    #47

    What did the mermaid wear to math class?
    An algae bra.

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    Someone
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    #48

    There was a balloon that had to go to hospital.
    The nurse asked him to pop up on the bed.

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    Mary Peace
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    #49

    Why did the chicken walk half-way across the road? She wanted to lay it on the line.

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    Richard Graham
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    #50

    Who can run faster, Usain Bolt or a Grizzly?
    A grizzly, they can run bear fast.

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    Pedantic Panda
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    #51

    I used to have an invisible pencil but I got rid of it, could see the point of it.

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    Pedantic Panda
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    #52

    I used to have a broken pencil but I got rid of it, it was pointless.

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    Pedantic Panda
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    #53

    I have two

    1) what did one sea say to the other sea. Nothing it just waved

    2) how heavy is darkness. I don't know but I do know it sure isn't light

    sorry if they're bad

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    ~lophiiformes~
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    #54

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    =^._.^= ™
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    #55

    Paddy is interviewing for a job as a construction worker. "Well," says the interviewer, "You certainly seem strong and healthy enough for the job. Just a quick check to see what your knowledge is like. Can you tell me the difference between a joist and a girder?" "Sure and that's an easy one!" replies Paddy. "Joist wrote Ulysses, whereas Girder erote Faust."

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    Vix Spiderthrust
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    #56

    Your mama

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    Ima Manimal
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    alanwilkening avatar
    Earl Grey
    Earl Grey
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    😂 And for the Yo Mama aficionado: https://bestlifeonline.com/yo-mama-jokes/

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