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LinaLovesBooks

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Writing this to procrastinate on my schoolwork because I'm super burnt out. MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING FOR LOTS OF VERY DARK STUFF. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I've got borderline personality disorder. It's intensly severe, so much so that I've been sent to inpatient mental hospitals four times in the past year. I'm on very heavy medication, like, max legal doses, and I have psychiatry apps every 2 months and therapy twice a week.

It does nothing. I'm not super weepy and despairing anymore, but I still can't shake off the heavy suicidality. I sleep 8 hours but I have trauma dreams all night and wake up tired anyway. My body is wrecked from my meds- I've lost so much of my dexterity to tremors, and I'm only 15. I'm never hungry anymore, but I eat anyway to comfort myself. Worst part is, I just can't seem to stop thinking. I just think, so much, all the time. About the state of the world, about how nobody sees me as useful, about how I'll never be able to make a job out of the only thing I can manage doing due to being replaced by AI and the economy going up in flames.

It really would be better to just die, in my case. It'd be better than just rotting away in some abusive facility, and better than freezing to death in the rain in some dirty alleyway with no home. It's just, my ties to people and my resources hold me back. Why would people even be sad to see me go anyway? It's not like they actively seek out my presence or enjoy my personality. Never even chose to be born, and sure as hell didn't choose to be abused and ignored my whole life. Best part? My abusers don't recall ever abusing me, and it hurts them that I think that way. Did I fabricate it all? Did my father almost kill me in 5th grade, or did I make it up so I had a reason to be terrified of men? Am I even real myself, or am I just continuing to navigate through one of my nightmares- I can't even tell anymore.

Hey, Doctor, can I get an order for euthanasia? I'm not even a person anyway, so it should be fine, right? Put me down like a sick dog. You don't want me to suffer any longer, do you? You don't want to help me, and all your options for shoving medication down my throat are used up, so why not? It's easy.

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Imperial Guard

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LinaLovesBooks

LinaLovesBooks

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1 year ago

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Hey! Imperial Guard. This probably doesn't help, but you do matter. Though I have never met you, you are worth a lot and I love you. Look dude, I have no idea how BPD works, but you are NOT a sick dog and you deserve the best life the universe can give. My mental state has gone to hell and back, and it would probably go back to hell again if you died. It's ok to feel like you can't and its ok to curl up in a ball and cry, but you ARE WORTH MORE THAN YOU CAN EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGINE

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