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Hey Pandas, AITA For Thinking About Leaving My Husband Because Of His Drinking?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I’ve been with my husband for over 15 years. We have three kids together. He used to be a social drinker, but over the last couple of years, he’s become an excessive drinker. Recently, we went to my in-laws for a birthday party, and he had a bunch of beers.
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He thinks he can drive better than me when he’s drunk. I had to use my phone for GPS to get back home, and he got mad at me for being on the phone
Image credits: Mark Cruz (not the actual photo)
He started screaming at me in front of the kids. I told him he didn’t have to scream at me since I was sitting right next to him.
I’ve been putting up with him and his drinking for too long already
Image credits: Al Elmes (not the actual photo)
I’ve noticed he becomes violent—not physically, but verbally—when he drinks, and I don’t want to deal with that anymore. The kids started crying. If I leave him, I know he’ll blame me, but if I stay, the kids and I will continue to endure his behavior. I don’t know what to do.
Expert’s Advice
This seems to be a challenging and deeply emotional situation, and it’s completely understandable to feel conflicted and uncertain about what steps to take next. Here are some things you could do or consider as you navigate this situation.
1. Prioritize Safety
The well-being and safety of you and your children are the most critical concerns. Verbal aggression, especially in front of children, can have a lasting emotional impact. Consider whether the current environment is safe and stable for you and your kids. If there is any risk of the verbal aggression escalating to physical violence, it may be wise to have an exit plan in place. Trusted friends, family members, or local support organizations can help create a temporary or long-term plan if needed.
2. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Feeling exhausted, hurt, and unsure is entirely valid. You’ve been managing this situation for a long time, and your emotions are a signal that change is necessary. It’s important to give yourself permission to feel without judgment and to recognize that you are not at fault for your husband’s behavior or choices. Journaling, talking to a friend, or working with a therapist can help you process your emotions and clarify your next steps.
3. Understand the Impact on the Children
Children are highly affected by conflict and instability in the home, even if they don’t always express it openly. Witnessing verbal aggression can make them feel unsafe and emotionally distressed, as seen when they cried during the recent incident. By addressing the situation, you are also advocating for their emotional health and showing them how to establish boundaries in unhealthy dynamics.
4. Communicate with Your Husband (If Safe)
If you feel it is safe to do so, consider having an open conversation with your husband when he is sober. Express your concerns calmly and focus on how his drinking and behavior are impacting you and the children. Use “I” statements, such as, “I feel hurt and worried when you yell in front of the kids.” Avoid placing blame, as this can lead to defensiveness. However, set firm boundaries about what you will no longer tolerate in your home.
5. Explore Support Options for Him
Excessive drinking often points to underlying issues like stress, depression, or trauma. If your husband is open to it, encourage him to seek support, such as counseling, or attending a program like Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s important to note that his willingness to change is key; you cannot force him to seek help if he is not ready.
It’s clear that you care deeply about your family and want to make the best decision for yourself and your children. Take your time, seek professional and emotional support, and trust your instincts as you navigate this journey. You deserve peace and stability in your home, and it’s okay to take steps to achieve that.
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or events discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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What do you think ?
FreeTheUnicorn 1 week ago
He wanted to drive with his family in the car when he was drunk. Get him out of the house immediately. If he gets sober, works some kind of program (it doesn't matter which one) you can think about letting him around you and the kids, but make any contact contingent on sobriety. You tried the just trust him route and it failed. Time to set ground rules and stick by the consequences of breaking them. Explain to your kids this is out of love, and if he doesn't get help for his disease he can't be around the family.
TruthoftheHeart 1 week ago
Run before it becomes like it did for me and he one day decides he's going to hit you. And even if it is verbal nobody deserves to have to feel like they are walking on eggshells and it's traumatizing your children.
Tamra 1 week ago (edited)
I was a child of an alcoholic, an aggressive and violent one, and I can tell you that I'd wished over and over that my mom would have taken us and left him. He made our lives a living hell. Your first priority is the safety and well-being of your children and yourself, not worrying about him "blaming" you for leaving. He is not well, and you aren't doing yourself or your children any favors by staying.
Lyoness 1 week ago
Same same, but in the other direction. I hope she gets out.
Load More Replies...
R Dennis 1 week ago
"AITA if I don't let my husband verbally abuse me while drunk in front of ours kids?" FFS, this is a question that shouldn't need asking...
StrangeOne 1 week ago
Unfortunately the popular mentality towards addiction and substance abuse is it's deemed a "disease", where the person can't help it and needs to be coddled and shown love. I have seen people ripped to shreds for leaving their addict because the addict "needs you more than ever now" and "the addict will get worse if you cause them more trauma and pain.", and "Oh, so forget in sickness and in health, I guess you breaking that vow. How would you feel if he left you at your lowest?" Guilt, guilt, guilt and more guilt. The answer people have is the person dealing with an addict must go to Al-anon and "sort themselves out" then somehow help their (really uncomfortable using possessive pronouns in this context. We don't own addicts.) reluctant addict. No. No, just leave and get your family to safety and comfort. It's especially not fair to the kids to stay.
Load More Replies... notlikeyou1971 1 week ago
You would be a fool to stay with a guy who chooses alcohol and to mistreat his family. Not only are you keeping all of you in an unsafe environment but also an unhealthy one. RUN DON'T WALK AWAY FROM THIS ONE! All of you deserve better than this.
CanadianDimes 1 week ago
I think you'll only be the a*s*hole, to both yourself and your kids, if you stay in this abusive situation. It isn't okay to treat any of you that way, and your kids don't need to learn that this is acceptable behaviour, nor do they - or you! - need to live in an environment where they afraid and unsafe.
JB 1 week ago (edited)
Let’s deal with the highest priority issue first. You and your kids got into the car when YOU knew he was impaired. Don’t EVER do that again! Having lived with a verbally and physically abusive alcoholic, the only thing you should do in this situation is tell him you refuse to get in the car and if he drives off, you’ll call the police. I know it’s terrifying when they go on a rampage but, presumably, there were other people around at the time? Couldn’t you have asked them to intervene for your husband’s sake? Longer term, have a sober conversation explaining you and the kids can’t keep living like this; you want to separate, preferably by him leaving. If he won’t leave, engage his family to convince him for the safety of his kids. Separation doesn’t inevitably lead to divorce but make it clear getting back together is contingent on him getting the help he needs to deal with his addiction and whatever caused it. Volunteer to participate in couples therapy so you both can learn how to support him. Something has affected him in the last 2 years, you can acknowledge that, while standing firm that as much as you want to help and support him through this, it’s not reasonable to expect you or “our kids” to live with him because he’s causing mental and emotional damage to all of you. Not to mention putting his kids in physical danger by choosing to drink and drive. I’d dwell on that as the last straw. You’ve done your best to live with him, work through it, but endangering everyone’s lives is TOO MUCH. I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs and can find his way back to being the man you fell in love with.
Somebodys grandmother 1 week ago (edited)
Your kids doesn't need a drunk to be scared off... Kick him out or move you and your children out. Get away and don't leave an adress... get a lawyer... Good luck
Mark Childers 1 week ago
This man needs to hit rock bottom. Maybe losing his family, his home, and probably eventually his job may get him there. But it might not. Either way, this poor woman and the kids do not need to be around it. I hope she makes the decision quickly. One more ride like that might be their last.
detective miller's hat 1 week ago
You will absolutely be the ahole if you stay with him and continue to subject your children to his behaviour.
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo 1 week ago
Yes, he will blame you; he's an abusive alcoholic, he's not going to blame himself. That has no bearing on your choice. If doing it for yourself is not reason enough, do it for your kids. Your first step would be to contact a woman's crisis service. They can help you with a plan to get out safely. Hopefully they can also connect you with some counselling. Do people in your life that you trust know whats going on? Be very, very careful who you tell about leaving him, but absolutely tell everyone what is going on. Silence and shame will not help you.
Rosecrucian Roeth 5 days ago
My dad was a great guy sober, but every weekend it was pure hell. I remember being in bed and he was downstairs screaming how he was going to kill me. He was not physically abusive but psychologically and mentally abusive. finally when I was around 16 I stood up to him when he was verbally abusing my mom. He blamed me for back problems after that but it wasn't me. He eventually gave up drinking and tried to apologize. I sort of forgave him, but some things never go away:( Leave before it gets worse!
Je souhaite 6 days ago
Gosh why do people wait this long to end things 15 years and 3 rugrats later ....
Liz The Biz 6 days ago
Get out before it escalates further. Until he acknowledges that he has a problem nothing will ever change and the situation will only get worse and worse. Maybe you leaving him and letting him know that you're not willing to put up with it any more is the wakeup call he needs.
MoMcB 1 week ago
I was married to an alcoholic. I stayed like this until one night he was having one of his drunk screaming rants, and he woke our daughter up. She wandered into the mess he was making- it was the usual, I'd found an empty bottle, and tried to reason with him. I saw her little face, and that was it. I left the next day. He'd already been in treatment programs. If he won't stop, you need to pay attention. Your kids need peace.
StrangeOne 1 week ago
I wish my mom never married and moved us in with her alcoholic spouse. It's not worth it. I don't care how it's thought of as some sort of "disease". Addiction, acting careless and abusive is not a disease. This is something you need to save yourself and loved ones from.
Brandi VanSteenwyk 1 week ago (edited)
The title of this post, without any further explanation, screams "GET OUT NOW!!" Trust me, someone who has been there. I had known him since grade school and his twin brother is my GBF. We didn't hook up romantically until our late 20s. Parted ways -- ultimately divorced -- after just over 6 years of lies and torment... ALL related to his drinking and refusal to acknowledge it's effect on others. 20 years later he is an unemployed bum sleeping on a gross (truly sickening) couch in my late mother-in-law's family room, slowly burying himself in trash, waste and soiled items, requiring repeated visits from junk removers/cleaners at $2500+ a pop. HE won't change and you can't "fix" him or make him acknowledge the effects his poor choices have on others.... No matter how much you love him. I've always been honest in dealing with our mutual child about his father's poor choices. That is what they are, poor choices. And we all are to be accountable for our choices, good or bad. Our son developed strength, determination, ethics and morals, along with an extraordinary level of empathy for others due to those lessons that were right in front of us.
Earonn - 1 week ago
As the child of an alcoholic father - probably the best thing my mother ever did for my brother and me was to leave (or rather: to kick him out). It was extra hard, because it was the 70s, but she protected us from all sorts of s**t. Also: he doesn't hit you - now. My father started with "just screaming", too. You only have this one life, do you really want to spend it in misery?
dayngerkat 1 week ago
Driving while drunk is a POS move. Driving while drunk, with your family, is an absolute POS who doesn't deserve to be with his family until he can get sober
Susie Main 1 week ago
It's unhealthy for both you and your children to be living with an aggressive alcoholic - and let's make no bones about it, he's become this albeit the aggression is currently stopping short of physical violence. In my experience of having once been married to an alcoholic, and in my work as a Social Worker dealing with alcohol related family problems. the one thing I learned most clearly is that in 99.5% of cases things DON'T get better. Actually by staying you're not only being a bad role model for your kids, you're also going to lose your self-respect. And you're enabling him at the same time - if he can act like this without consequences, why should he change? My advice would be leave him; get the Courts to arrange supervised access for him to the children IF they want it (the judge should always decide on what is best for the children not their parents), find a lawyer who'll fight for your financial security and have a wee party to celebrate your escape from danger.
Judith Wilson 1 week ago
The children - and you should have never been in the car with him driving - then or at anytime. It is easy to research the effects of alcohol and the dangers of driving while intoxicated. Firstly, he made the choice to drink - always and every time. Don't wait until someone is killed as a result of his outrageous behavior. He begins counseling immediately, and never touches alcohol again, or he loses his family. He cannot be trusted to even be alone with the children. You have to take a really hard stance on this because it is vitally important that you keep the children and yourself safe. He is not taking any responsibility whatsoever - and this is a life and death situation. He must leave the home, he must get counseling, and he must never drink again. There is no such thing as a "responsible drinker" - there is no set pattern as to what they can, may, or will do when they are in their own selfish world. NOPE and NOPE.
Will Cable 1 week ago
I wonder how many will look towards self driving/lane assist fitted in cars as an excuse to drink and drive more.
Roberta Surprenant 1 week ago
Allowing him to drive drunk with children in the car is child abuse.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 week ago
He wanted to drive with his family in the car when he was drunk. Get him out of the house immediately. If he gets sober, works some kind of program (it doesn't matter which one) you can think about letting him around you and the kids, but make any contact contingent on sobriety. You tried the just trust him route and it failed. Time to set ground rules and stick by the consequences of breaking them. Explain to your kids this is out of love, and if he doesn't get help for his disease he can't be around the family.
TruthoftheHeart 1 week ago
Run before it becomes like it did for me and he one day decides he's going to hit you. And even if it is verbal nobody deserves to have to feel like they are walking on eggshells and it's traumatizing your children.
Tamra 1 week ago (edited)
I was a child of an alcoholic, an aggressive and violent one, and I can tell you that I'd wished over and over that my mom would have taken us and left him. He made our lives a living hell. Your first priority is the safety and well-being of your children and yourself, not worrying about him "blaming" you for leaving. He is not well, and you aren't doing yourself or your children any favors by staying.
Lyoness 1 week ago
Same same, but in the other direction. I hope she gets out.
Load More Replies... R Dennis 1 week ago
"AITA if I don't let my husband verbally abuse me while drunk in front of ours kids?" FFS, this is a question that shouldn't need asking...
StrangeOne 1 week ago
Unfortunately the popular mentality towards addiction and substance abuse is it's deemed a "disease", where the person can't help it and needs to be coddled and shown love. I have seen people ripped to shreds for leaving their addict because the addict "needs you more than ever now" and "the addict will get worse if you cause them more trauma and pain.", and "Oh, so forget in sickness and in health, I guess you breaking that vow. How would you feel if he left you at your lowest?" Guilt, guilt, guilt and more guilt. The answer people have is the person dealing with an addict must go to Al-anon and "sort themselves out" then somehow help their (really uncomfortable using possessive pronouns in this context. We don't own addicts.) reluctant addict. No. No, just leave and get your family to safety and comfort. It's especially not fair to the kids to stay.
Load More Replies... notlikeyou1971 1 week ago
You would be a fool to stay with a guy who chooses alcohol and to mistreat his family. Not only are you keeping all of you in an unsafe environment but also an unhealthy one. RUN DON'T WALK AWAY FROM THIS ONE! All of you deserve better than this.
CanadianDimes 1 week ago
I think you'll only be the a*s*hole, to both yourself and your kids, if you stay in this abusive situation. It isn't okay to treat any of you that way, and your kids don't need to learn that this is acceptable behaviour, nor do they - or you! - need to live in an environment where they afraid and unsafe.
JB 1 week ago (edited)
Let’s deal with the highest priority issue first. You and your kids got into the car when YOU knew he was impaired. Don’t EVER do that again! Having lived with a verbally and physically abusive alcoholic, the only thing you should do in this situation is tell him you refuse to get in the car and if he drives off, you’ll call the police. I know it’s terrifying when they go on a rampage but, presumably, there were other people around at the time? Couldn’t you have asked them to intervene for your husband’s sake? Longer term, have a sober conversation explaining you and the kids can’t keep living like this; you want to separate, preferably by him leaving. If he won’t leave, engage his family to convince him for the safety of his kids. Separation doesn’t inevitably lead to divorce but make it clear getting back together is contingent on him getting the help he needs to deal with his addiction and whatever caused it. Volunteer to participate in couples therapy so you both can learn how to support him. Something has affected him in the last 2 years, you can acknowledge that, while standing firm that as much as you want to help and support him through this, it’s not reasonable to expect you or “our kids” to live with him because he’s causing mental and emotional damage to all of you. Not to mention putting his kids in physical danger by choosing to drink and drive. I’d dwell on that as the last straw. You’ve done your best to live with him, work through it, but endangering everyone’s lives is TOO MUCH. I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs and can find his way back to being the man you fell in love with.
Somebodys grandmother 1 week ago (edited)
Your kids doesn't need a drunk to be scared off... Kick him out or move you and your children out. Get away and don't leave an adress... get a lawyer... Good luck
Mark Childers 1 week ago
This man needs to hit rock bottom. Maybe losing his family, his home, and probably eventually his job may get him there. But it might not. Either way, this poor woman and the kids do not need to be around it. I hope she makes the decision quickly. One more ride like that might be their last.
detective miller's hat 1 week ago
You will absolutely be the ahole if you stay with him and continue to subject your children to his behaviour.
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo 1 week ago
Yes, he will blame you; he's an abusive alcoholic, he's not going to blame himself. That has no bearing on your choice. If doing it for yourself is not reason enough, do it for your kids. Your first step would be to contact a woman's crisis service. They can help you with a plan to get out safely. Hopefully they can also connect you with some counselling. Do people in your life that you trust know whats going on? Be very, very careful who you tell about leaving him, but absolutely tell everyone what is going on. Silence and shame will not help you.
Rosecrucian Roeth 5 days ago
My dad was a great guy sober, but every weekend it was pure hell. I remember being in bed and he was downstairs screaming how he was going to kill me. He was not physically abusive but psychologically and mentally abusive. finally when I was around 16 I stood up to him when he was verbally abusing my mom. He blamed me for back problems after that but it wasn't me. He eventually gave up drinking and tried to apologize. I sort of forgave him, but some things never go away:( Leave before it gets worse!
Je souhaite 6 days ago
Gosh why do people wait this long to end things 15 years and 3 rugrats later ....
Liz The Biz 6 days ago
Get out before it escalates further. Until he acknowledges that he has a problem nothing will ever change and the situation will only get worse and worse. Maybe you leaving him and letting him know that you're not willing to put up with it any more is the wakeup call he needs.
MoMcB 1 week ago
I was married to an alcoholic. I stayed like this until one night he was having one of his drunk screaming rants, and he woke our daughter up. She wandered into the mess he was making- it was the usual, I'd found an empty bottle, and tried to reason with him. I saw her little face, and that was it. I left the next day. He'd already been in treatment programs. If he won't stop, you need to pay attention. Your kids need peace.
StrangeOne 1 week ago
I wish my mom never married and moved us in with her alcoholic spouse. It's not worth it. I don't care how it's thought of as some sort of "disease". Addiction, acting careless and abusive is not a disease. This is something you need to save yourself and loved ones from.
Brandi VanSteenwyk 1 week ago (edited)
The title of this post, without any further explanation, screams "GET OUT NOW!!" Trust me, someone who has been there. I had known him since grade school and his twin brother is my GBF. We didn't hook up romantically until our late 20s. Parted ways -- ultimately divorced -- after just over 6 years of lies and torment... ALL related to his drinking and refusal to acknowledge it's effect on others. 20 years later he is an unemployed bum sleeping on a gross (truly sickening) couch in my late mother-in-law's family room, slowly burying himself in trash, waste and soiled items, requiring repeated visits from junk removers/cleaners at $2500+ a pop. HE won't change and you can't "fix" him or make him acknowledge the effects his poor choices have on others.... No matter how much you love him. I've always been honest in dealing with our mutual child about his father's poor choices. That is what they are, poor choices. And we all are to be accountable for our choices, good or bad. Our son developed strength, determination, ethics and morals, along with an extraordinary level of empathy for others due to those lessons that were right in front of us.
Earonn - 1 week ago
As the child of an alcoholic father - probably the best thing my mother ever did for my brother and me was to leave (or rather: to kick him out). It was extra hard, because it was the 70s, but she protected us from all sorts of s**t. Also: he doesn't hit you - now. My father started with "just screaming", too. You only have this one life, do you really want to spend it in misery?
dayngerkat 1 week ago
Driving while drunk is a POS move. Driving while drunk, with your family, is an absolute POS who doesn't deserve to be with his family until he can get sober
Susie Main 1 week ago
It's unhealthy for both you and your children to be living with an aggressive alcoholic - and let's make no bones about it, he's become this albeit the aggression is currently stopping short of physical violence. In my experience of having once been married to an alcoholic, and in my work as a Social Worker dealing with alcohol related family problems. the one thing I learned most clearly is that in 99.5% of cases things DON'T get better. Actually by staying you're not only being a bad role model for your kids, you're also going to lose your self-respect. And you're enabling him at the same time - if he can act like this without consequences, why should he change? My advice would be leave him; get the Courts to arrange supervised access for him to the children IF they want it (the judge should always decide on what is best for the children not their parents), find a lawyer who'll fight for your financial security and have a wee party to celebrate your escape from danger.
Judith Wilson 1 week ago
The children - and you should have never been in the car with him driving - then or at anytime. It is easy to research the effects of alcohol and the dangers of driving while intoxicated. Firstly, he made the choice to drink - always and every time. Don't wait until someone is killed as a result of his outrageous behavior. He begins counseling immediately, and never touches alcohol again, or he loses his family. He cannot be trusted to even be alone with the children. You have to take a really hard stance on this because it is vitally important that you keep the children and yourself safe. He is not taking any responsibility whatsoever - and this is a life and death situation. He must leave the home, he must get counseling, and he must never drink again. There is no such thing as a "responsible drinker" - there is no set pattern as to what they can, may, or will do when they are in their own selfish world. NOPE and NOPE.
Will Cable 1 week ago
I wonder how many will look towards self driving/lane assist fitted in cars as an excuse to drink and drive more.
Roberta Surprenant 1 week ago
Allowing him to drive drunk with children in the car is child abuse.
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