Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the other ... Damnit!

Report

Final score:

9points

Nathaniel (He/Him) Cis Het.

POST

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

Why is 10 traumatised? Because 10 in the middle of 9/11.

Report

Final score:

5points

Nathaniel (He/Him) Cis Het.

POST

View more comments

Most of the jokes here are about 9 11 and racism and dark and other bad stuff. Here's a palate cleanser.

I asked a subway worker to make me a tuna sandwich. He took the tongs, waved them around, and said "abracadabra you are a tuna sandwich"

Report

Final score:

5points

_-DungeonKeeper-_

POST

Helen Keller walks into a bar.
Then a table, then a chair.

Report

Final score:

3points

Squidward’s Nose

POST

No joke too dirty?
*What do you call a man who has sex eith rabbits? Elmer F**k.
*A man walks into a whorehouse and asks for a woman. The madame of the house tells him that since it is a busy night all the girls are busy, unless he wanted a 90 year old woman. He reluctantly agrees and takes the old woman into a room. They start going at it until the man stops. "You're not wet yet" he tells her. "Just a moment, sonny" she replied and she walked into the bathroom. She gets back into bed 2 minutes later and they continue. Afterward, the man asks the old hooker, "How did you get so wet so fast?" "Simple, sonny" she replies. "I picked my scabs."

Report

Final score:

3points

MedusaWasBeautiful

POST

My Biology teacher: "You guys were so bad at posting your project videos on the Canvas page! I had to shrink so many of them, you should have seen how big some of them were!"

Me to my friend: "That's what she said!"

My friend: *pretends to stab me with his pencil*

Report

Final score:

3points

Tiramisu

POST

You see a pet shop but us monsters see a delicatessen.

Report

Final score:

3points

James Ward

POST

What do you call a girl you've dated once before? Chick-ago

Report

Final score:

3points

iamjusthereforthecruise

POST

What do you call a girl you've once dated? Chick-ago

Report

Final score:

3points

iamjusthereforthecruise

POST

View more comments

What do you call a man carrying a shotgun? 'Sir'

Report

Final score:

3points

Abnus

POST

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great -great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Report

Final score:

3points

Abnus

POST

During my check-up I asked the Doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and
healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

Report

Final score:

3points

Abnus

POST

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon."

Report

Final score:

3points

Abnus

POST

I went to this haunted house for exploration. It was near the forest so the local guide warned me that I might find some animals there. Sure enough, there was a panda. When I offered it some food, I was taken aback because it suddenly started talking. Turned out that it was a ghost panda and it only ate bam-booooo!

Report

Final score:

3points

Abnus

POST

A Horse Walks into a Bar... He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, Y, and z, and × and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."

Report

Final score:

3points

Abnus

POST

Last one: A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.
The poster reads:
"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."
The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.
30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.
"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.
20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.
He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."
The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.
"There's no way you're bilingual."
The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

Report

Final score:

3points

Abnus

POST

How is a religion like a p#nis?
It’s fine to have one, it’s fine not to have one. The problems start when you start shoving it down children’s throats.

Report

Final score:

2points

Squidward’s Nose

POST

View more comments

What do Batman and dentures have in common?
They both come out at night.

Report

Final score:

2points

Squidward’s Nose

POST

What’s the difference between Batman and a shoplifter? Batman can go into a store without Robin.

Report

Final score:

2points

Squidward’s Nose

POST

How do you surprise a blind guy?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.

Report

Final score:

2points

Squidward’s Nose

POST

Don’t be offended by this one, purely meant for comedy. If you get offended easily, DO NOT READ IT. You’ve been warned! Heheh! What do you call a gay person on fire?
LGBBQ.

Report

Final score:

2points

Squidward’s Nose

POST

View more comments

What does 36+16 equal to?
A prison sentence.

Report

Final score:

2points

Squidward’s Nose

POST

View more comments

What do you call man with a seagull nest on his head?

Cliff

Report

Final score:

2points

Duvet Woman

POST

Why do adults never understand school shooting jokes?
Guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.

Report

Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

POST

What was going through the heads of the 9/11 victims on the 42nd floor?
The 43rd floor.

Report

Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

POST

What is the difference between Mcdonald’s and 9/11?
Mcdonald’s has a drive-through and the Twin towers have a fly-through.

Report

Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

POST

View more comments

What do you call a white person set on fire?
A firecracker.

Report

Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

POST

What’s the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?
Two hands on your shoulders.

Report

Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

POST

What do men have in their pants that’s only 3 inches long, but can fully satisfy a woman?
Their credit card.

Report

Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

POST

I’ve actually heard this one a few times before! What’s the difference between Usain bolt and Hitler?
Usain bolt can finish a race.

Report

Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

POST

View more comments

A woman is checking out at the grocery store.
She puts bananas, coffee, soy milk, oatmeal, and hairspray on the conveyor belt. The cashier smiles at her and says, “I can tell you’re single.”
“Oh, ha, how did you know?” the woman asks, blushing.
“Because you’re f*****g ugly.”

Report

Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

POST

What did Cinderella do when she arrived at the ball?
She gagged!

Report

Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

POST

Why do orphans play GTA?
To be wanted.

Report

Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

POST

What did the helicopter say to the mountain?
“Kobe.”

Report

Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

POST

Some more rancid jokes:
*What's worse than eating 56 oysters out of your grandmother's c**t? Finding out there were only 55 oysters.

Report

Final score:

1point

MedusaWasBeautiful

POST

A paraplegic walks into a bar.
Wait, no , he doesn't

A bull was cold so he went into the barn and slipped into a warm jersey.

Bartender; " We don't serve time travelers. "
A time traveller walks into a bar.

Report

Final score:

0points

Der Kommissar

POST

What is something you can’t say in a superhero movie?
“Is it a bird, is it a plane, well whatever it is, it’s heading straight for the world trade center.”

Report

Final score:

-1point

Squidward’s Nose

POST

View more comments

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini.
The bartender thinks this is a bit strange, then realizes he is actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he just had. But his wife just ignores him.
The man turns and begins to sob as he realizes his marriage is in shambles.

Report

Final score:

-1point

Squidward’s Nose

POST