Yes, you're not allowed to kill yourself

Also I have been very bad at brain recently and if we could set aside a time every day to talk at least a bit that would be great, I'm a really out of sight out of mind person and I tend to get really suicidal and convince myself that I don't have any reason to stay and tlaking to you would really help, it's okay if your life is too unpredictable for that but if there is a time that would work regularly that would be great

Yeah! 8 your time works :)

Rad (: I'll try to remember. You're awesome

You are too :) Ily <3

Ily2

I'm here :) what do you want to talk about

I'll check in every few minutes to wait for you :)

Ahhh sorry I just got super distracted. Hru? U still there?

Hey! I'm still here

Hru?

Not dead! I talked about my writing for like an hour with my friend and he prevented a panic attack. Also it turns out that my camp friend doesn't hate me I asked them and they say they dont

Not dead is good

Why would they hate you? Also what do you want to talk about

Also I've been off meds for like a week and I am so tired. I'm so tired. My brain doesn't work.im so tired

You need to sleep. Gtg, sorry. Bye :)

Executive dysfunction and tired means I can't get more meds until my brain starts not being the way it is. Goodnight, bye!

Hey! It's time

Do u think I have adhd

I'm not in any way qualified to say yes or no lol

You are the only one of my friends who thinks that lmao everyone else I talk to is like 'hey do you have adhd' within the first ten minutes of talking to me. Apparently according to them I have 'neurodivenrgent vibes'? Also I shamed myself out of being into taylor swift and I've been more depressed recently cause I don't have anything that brings me intense joy to be obsessed with I'm trying to get into birds but I'm just so tired. Apparently eating more will make me less tired and also help me sleep more but I feel disgusting every time I eat and I hate food and I'm already way overweight. My transfem friend from camp who sometimes just picks me up says that I'm concerningly light but she is lying to me because she knows I have an ed

Your not overweight if what you've said in the past Is true, you need to eat. Also why aren't you into Taylor Swift anymore?

My body looks all weird and the fat is in the wrong places and the only way to fix it is to have no fat at all so that's my goal. I do not need to eat I am fine. I've never been into her in the way that I love her music, I like it but its more that it just makes my heart squeal like a dying bird (in a good way I think) but now it doesn't cause someone st camp who I respect kind of went after me for being into it and now I feel really bad whenever I think about it and I have stopped liking her. It makes me feel really bad about myself

Ignore what they think. Listen to Taylor Swift if you want. Anyone who genuinely gives a f**k is being stupid. And no, your not fine. You need to eat

I don't really want to anymore, it's not easy for me to get over that stuff and there's a chance that I never will, and the one experience did kind of ruin it for me. I'm literally still alive, my parents are forcing me to eat one or two meals a day so I can't actually do anything. I can't even starve myself right

You don't have to starve yourself. You look fine. And once I get there I shall force you to listen to Taylor Swift with me

You've never seen a picture of me, you can't know that. I do, it's already disgusting hoe much I eat and how bad my eating habits are, my mom makes fun of me all the time for it. Also I f*****g hate food and I hate eating and if I need to eat to survive I don't want to survive. I don't want to survive anyways but like yk what I mean. I will tolerate the taylor swift, she a good artist I just was more into her as an obsession and fandom type thing than actually loving her music.

:( I've seen parts of you, and you look awesome. I desperately want to call your mom a b***h but you don't like that so how do you feel about absolutely f*****g disgusting person

She has a point, I kind of just snack on the cookies I make constantly instead of eating

No she doesn't

I gtg for the night. Bye crow <3

Gn! Sleep well

Ahhh sorry I literally have zero concept of time and was watching bee videos

Hii

Hi!

Hru?

Not dead yet but my brain has been getting bad for the past couple days, hbu?

I'm also not dead

That's good, I'm proud of you. Is anything going on?

IDK how to get away quickly and it makes me sad :(

We're really close. I'm almost done with the case research, sorry I've been so busy this week (there's a LOT going on irl rn) but I promise I'll get it done today or tomorrow

But what about my cat

I'm working on that too. I have a few ideas for a makeshift carrier, I'll put them on the doc.

Morning :)

Hey :) hru? Do you think any of the carrier ideas will work, or should I look for more?

That's okay. You'll get out eventually and that's enough, you can live in the future for now. Are you able to dissociate on purpose? That's how I get through life. As a warning it's really addictive, can make you dissociate without meaning to, and has f*****g wrecked my memory. It's useful tho

How

Idk if everyone can do it, I think part of the reason I can is cause I blacked out a good amount of my childhood and I can do that on command (get rid of memories) and it makes me dissociate when it works so that's related. Also I assume I was dissociative for most of my childhood cause little kid me was not in a very happy environment

:(

I'm fine dw (: also is it normal to categorize brain personalities as different people or have I developed yet another unhealthy coping mechanism

Uhh idk. Gtg bye <3

That... kinda sounds like daemonism? (The practice of turning parts of your subconscious into separate entities who you can talk to... idk if that's what you're feeling, but it is a really interesting practice)

I don't talk to them, they just sort of switch. I just made a notes app with questions for them to figure out what the f**k is going in whenever they come back. Idk how purposefully I did it, but I've given them nicknames and I've been trying to figure out what's up. I also don't really have control over them, I know what triggers some of them but it's really just like involuntary, very weird codeswitching. They're all me but they do have different 'versions' of my personality with varying levels of distinct-ness. Rn I think I have five or six categorized? I definitely can't talk to them in my brain but as them I am aware of old memories from when I was different, the memories just seen a bit blurrier than the ones that belong to the one I am then. Ik this probably sounds like I have DID but I dont, I've never actually experienced trauma and even if this isn't a new thing I've only been aware of it for around a year or two

It's time. I might not be as active tonight though

Sorry crow, I gtg. Love ya <3

He just texted me, he's fine and has no idea why he should me mad at me which I should have expected because this exact f*****g thing has happened like twenty times why am I this much of a disaster i seriously thought I got over my anxiety abt that s**t

If my knife was sharp enough to actually cut I'd be very dead rn

Please don't. I'm sorry I wasn't here last night. I fell asleep and when I woke up it was past time

That's okay! Hru?

Hey Crow, if you're still online, I'll be here for a little bit if you want to talk (honestly idrk what's going on, and I don't want to intrude on your conversation, but I'm here so... yeah. Sorry, the part of my brain that does words isn't being very helpful tonight haha)

Hey! Sorry I didn't see this, I was mushroom foraging. My depression is wrecking my brain and I'm losing my memory and that's f*****g terrifying but beyond that I'm relatively fine and learned about mushrooms

Hey, I'm going to be inactive for a while. Love you <3 stay safe

Does this mean you are escaping/calling cps? If so, good luck, I am looking forward to hearing from you when you are safe.

Alr <3 I think the plan is good to go, if you're able to make one of those improvised cat carriers I put on the doc (if not, I'll look for other ideas), so lmk when you're ready and I'll be here.

I think I'm ready

I'll check in every 10 minutes or so and wait for you

May I know you weren’t talking to me but stay safe, wishing you the best of luck <3 I know you’ll get to Washington, I believe in you <3

Thanks :)

May I'm really sorry for not being online earlier.. I probably have to get off for tonight, but I'll try to check in a couple more times before I fall asleep, and I'll let you know once I wake up tomorrow. Update meeeee <3

Sorry, sorry, I'm here!! Something came up so I was offline most of the day but I'm here now

this whole comment section was so sad but cute

Good luck, I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier. You too <3

<3

Hey may ik you're not very online rn but if you get on soon can we talk? I'm feeling terrible rn and milo is doing something else and I'm too anxious to be good at duolingo do it isn't distracting me it's just making me feel worse

Hey

Hello! How are you

Hey how's it going

I'm awake, I might have to get offline for a little while though. I'll probably be back a bit later in the day

Hi :)

Ok I'm back :)

Hii

Bean

Alr it’s really really late now, I have to go offline… I’ll let you know what I get back on, and if you see this before I get back lmk what’s happening

Hey

Hey, what's up?

Kdldnddhdnzjnz idk what to do for the plan lol I don't think I should just call. Also my mom is going to force me to cut off my hair. Hru?

I’m sorry… I’m a little busy rn but I can talk in a few hours ok? We’ll figure this out.

Ok

May are you okay? It's been a bit and I'm really worried about you, please talk to me

I'm not dead

Hi May! Hru? I'm really sorry that I haven't been online to talk to you much. There's been a lot going on... anyway, how are you feeling about the plan rn?

You okay? I'm here if you need anything

Hey May, hru? We haven’t talked in a bit, I took a little break from bp

Hii, hru?

Hi May, I haven't seen you much lately, while you were away Lex posted that they are disappearing for a bit to come out to their parents.

Pretty good! How's life?

Oh btw I meant to ask, do you think any of the makeshift cat carriers I put on the doc will work?

Honestly not sure

Alright... want me to look for some other possibilities? Also hiiii I've missed you, hru

Hey

I'm okay enough hbu

I'm alright, but I haven't had an actual conversation with you in a while, update meeee (only if you're comfortable, ofc)

I'm fine, just busy with school stuff, sorry for the misunderstanding.. anyway hru?

Bean are you okay?