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Hey Pandas, Do I Really Have To Pay For My 36-Year-Old Stepdaughter’s Wedding? (Closed)
Some background: my husband and I have been married for almost 29 years, together nearly 30. We have a blended family and the kids were 11, 11, and 7 when we first got together. Everything was relatively okay in the beginning but with the youngest's mother (and ex-wife) still very much in the picture, it quickly became tense.
Fast forward 13 years when all hell broke loose. My husband became very ill to the point of having to call in the family. The youngest, who was 21 at the time, had grown into an entitled, belligerent, arrogant, not-so-nice person. She and I didn't get along all that great before this happened and this just made it worse. Without going into specifics, the relationship completely collapsed, and she told my husband that she wanted no contact with me, period. No Christmas cards, presents, birthday cards or presents, nothing with my name on it. Zip. Nada. She pretty much forced my husband to choose between his wife and his daughter. At the time he chose me. His wife.
Over the years, they tried to build some semblance of a relationship but it was a long distance (1600 miles). I chose to take the high road and not push the issue because I know that she is his daughter and there is that bond that is irreplaceable. It was hard. It is still hard but that was my choice. So for the last 15 years, I have not spoken to her or heard from her. I will say I have written her two letters of apology for the events that occurred while he was sick (again, no details but that was on me too) but she has never responded. I never thought she would be I did hope for some kind of reconciliation.
I have been told through my husband that she only recently moved out of her mom's house (remember, she is now 36) and in fact, was married earlier this year. Sadly, she did not even tell her father about that until just a few months ago! She met a very nice young man (apparently) and seems very happy (again, according to her dad). They live in a nice home and have very good jobs. She appears to be on her way in life.
She is now making noises that she wants a "huge wedding" which I am sensing she wants dad to help finance. I am digging in my heels on this for many reasons. First, is the way she shut me out of her life completely and the incredibly hurtful way she did it. Second, she is 36 years old, already married, and has been an adult for 18 years! She makes really good money and can afford whatever "huge wedding" she wants to have. I'm pretty sure her dad would be invited to come out but I won't which will be another strain we will have to live through and I'm not sure quite how to deal with that either. I guess I am still angry and hurt over this even after all this time. Her mom is still very much around and her relationship with my husband is dicey at best. (They were only married for seven years).
Does anyone have any suggestions/advice?
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#1
My first instinct is to send her a dildo so that she can go f**k herself. But I'm guessing your looking for a more, shall we say, "diplomatic" approach?
"The best way to move forward is to leave the past where it is." - My mother
Her father has already missed her wedding! She choose to exclude him from watching his youngest child getting married for the first time. Nothing can fix that, and holding a second wedding simply will not be the same.
If she is genuine about wanting to rebuild a relationship with her father, she will not ask for any support at all. However, I feel that she is probably trying to take advantage, which will just break your husbands heart if he realises it.
I would suggest a conversation with your husband, explain your concerns. I would also recommend a gentle approach to the "Wedding". Have your husband let his daughter know that, due to various issues and in the current financial climate, money is a bit tight, but given enough notice you should be able to save up so that you can travel and stay over in a hotel for a few days and probably get a nice gift.
If that's not good enough for her, then she doesn't really care at all. And although it will hurt him, he can at least accept that fact, cut all ties and stop this long term torture.
If by some miracle she goes ahead with the wedding but doesn't ask for any financial support, It's probably a good sign so consider a gift at the top end of your budget or a cash donation (But I don't think that will happen).
Final score:
4points
#2
INFO: Did you and your husband pay for your other kid's weddings? Because that's the only reason I can imagine your stepdaughter might be hinting about wanting her Dad to pony up.
BUT, if a woman who'd cut me and (to an extent) my husband (her father) out of her life was coming looking for cash when a) she didn't bother inviting you to her 1st wedding and b) is a already married? That'd be a whole world of NOPE.
Final score:
3points
911_Dispatcher 2 years ago
Yes, we paid our part of our son's wedding (very formal) and our daughter's (renaissance themed) but both kids also covered a huge chunk of their weddings. My beef with this one is a)the way she has excluded me from her life until she wants money and b) the fact that she is already married!
#3
Two words: Hell no.
Final score:
2points
#4
Absolutely! Not. This ordeal is not your responsibility, she is a total jerk, do not pay for the wedding and make sure your husband doesn’t either.
Final score:
2points
#6
Do you love her. That's your answer.
Final score:
2points
911_Dispatcher 2 years ago
Ouch..... honestly. No. I don't. Hard to love someone who has inflicted so much hurt on you and the ones you love.
#7
No she should pay for it it’s her wedding Andy if she can’t pay for it then she shall simply just not have thy wedding
Final score:
1point
#8
I think it should be a mutual decision between you and your husband. Talk with him and have an honest conversation. But in the end, it is his daughter.
And in the end that can be a very strong bond. Even if her relationship with you is not so good. Even if she makes a lot of money, even if...
I don't say that makes it all okay. Just have an open-minded talk with her father.
Final score:
1point
911_Dispatcher 2 years ago
Yeah.....this has been a VERY sore subject for many years, even through therapy after our son committed suicide (another horrible episode we have had to deal with). So for the most part we have decided to not talk about it because we know we cannot agree on anything when it comes to her.
#9
Nope, you don't owe this person anything. Even if you were on good terms...she's an adult, she's not entitled to anything.
Final score:
1point
#10
I think thay no matter what the person has done to you, you should a always be kind to the best of your ability. If you do not have a lot, give a bit of what you can. If you can’t give a ton of money, Ik you don’t have a lovely relationship with one another, but you could also try to help out with clean up, set up, etc. Weddings can be the most amazing day of your life, but it can also be stressful.
Good luck to you ✨💕
Final score:
0points
911_Dispatcher 2 years ago
I agree with being kind and money is not the issue. We are at least six states away so set up, clean up, etc are kind of out of the question too. It is all in how she has treated us - me - over the past 15 years that I am having such a hard time wrapping my head around. She simply will not accept that I am married to her father, have been for almost 29 years, and will be for the rest of our lives, whether she likes it or not. To her, he is only a checkbook and a fair weather dad. Period. I've seen the way she treats him and talks to him when he does see her (which is maybe once a year) and it is disrespectful and hurtful. If my daughter did that to me, it would be a whole different story. Why she is allowed to disrespect him, I'll never know.
#12
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think whether you and your husband contribute collectively to his daughter’s wedding should depend in large part on how he feels about it. She is HIS daughter, and if she has a relationship with him and he’d like to help, would you really begrudge him that? I’m aware that you’ve been hurt and dislike the way you were cut out, but as long as your husband contributes to your household, it shouldn’t be solely your decision. Also, should her age, lifestyle, or the availability of another parent really matter here? You mentioned that she lived with her mother until recently, but what baring does that have on the situation? And even though it felt implied that her father was ‘left out’ of her marriage, I know several couples who married at City Hall with only one or two witnesses due to various financial/life situations and later planned actual receptions for family and friends when it was possible. It wasn’t a slight to anybody, they just didn’t want to wait to get married. Unless she did it purely out of spite and is now openly asking for a large handout, a JOP wedding doesn’t automatically make her a bad person.
Final score:
0points
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