Hey Pandas, AITA For Wanting To Keep My Children Safe From My Alcoholic Mother-In-Law? (Closed)

My wife's mother is an alcoholic. She starts drinking in the afternoon (vodka with a mixer) then slowly transitions into wine. Sometimes she starts with coffee and bailey's & ends with a nightcap & a million drinks in between.

She also drinks when she is babysitting her grandkids. I've not only snatched big sharp knives from her 3-year-old autistic grandson 3 or 4 times, but I've also found them hanging from the staircase railing & saved them from falling.

Last August we visited them after a while due to COVID (we live in Canada & she lives an hour away across the border in the US) & I found my wife crying every day out of concern for her mother. I asked her to talk to her mother, but she didn't want to since she was seeing them after such a long time. There on, every time we visited, we saw her mother drink more & more.

We visited again during Christmas and it was the same story every day. Her Mom wanted to come help us for a couple of weeks after the birth of our child 3rd, however, neither I nor my wife wanted her to drink the way she did.

So finally she had a chat with her Mom & asked her if she could keep her drinking to no more than a couple of glasses of wine every day. Although I wasn't happy, I thought it was a good compromise.

Her mom said she'll respect our wishes. Which she did for 2 days, then she started drinking more & more. Respect went out of the window. It bothered the hell out of me, but I kept my mouth shut.

Then my wife had a chat with her & told her all her concerns. Her mom quietly listened, didn't say a word then said thank you, she needed to look in the mirror & change.

Recently we gave her a surprise visit. My wife's sister went on vacation, leaving her 3 kids with the mother. When we arrived we found her to be drunk. The twins were in bed, but the 5-year-old was exhausted & kept asking her to take him to bed (if he is visiting her, he won't go to bed without her). During that time I was trying to have a conversation with him but she wouldn't let him speak, she kept interfering as she always does when she's drunk. She also did that when looking after my 2 daughters when we were having our son. I called to speak with them but she just won't let us speak with them.

Anyway, after about 90 minutes & my wife asking her to take him to bed 3 times, she reluctantly took him to bed. For the next 2 days, she kept drinking.

The way she treated that poor kid & the other kids playing with big sharp knives, hanging from the top of the stairs & her slurring, tripping, falling, breaking glasses, interfering, arguing after getting drunk, doesn't make me comfortable leaving my kids with her or even having them around her. My wife shares the same sentiments.

After the last episode, I couldn't stop myself & sent her a long message. The tone was polite & respectful, but firm. I talked about all issues & told her I can't have my kids around her unless she cleans up.

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NTA. Did your wife tell her sister what was going on when granny was watching her kids? Alcoholics won't stop drinking for other people. You can ask, recommend, beg but it won't happen. Don't let granny near your kids unsupervised.

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Final score:

6points

Gina Leah

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NTA. The moment you became a parent, your primary responsibility was to the safety and wellbeing of your children. Your responsibility is not to put the feelings of an alcoholic relative above the safety of your children. Obviously you know that, as you have made multiple attempts to convince your MIL to put the literal bottles down. So, I suspect what you are really asking is if there is something else you should have done to make everyone (including MIL) happy.

I'll put it this way: you are only responsible for your own choices and actions. There is nothing you can do to convince your MIL to stop drinking, and her addiction is at such a stage that I doubt she could stop on her own even if she wanted to. She needs help, but she'll only get it once she 1) acknowledges there is a problem and 2) decides that *she* really does want to stop drinking. At this point, it doesn't matter that others want her to stop. The chemicals in her body and brain are telling her that she physically *needs* the alcohol.

While this information likely causes feelings of sympathy, let me remind you: your responsibility is to your children. They have no one to protect them but you and whomever you allow to be in a position of protection over them. You cannot choose someone who cannot make good decisions, regardless of the reasons and regardless of who that person is, to watch over your children. This isn't about feelings. It's about safety, physical and mental health, and emotional security for your children.

What your MIL has done is literally reckless endangerment. She has on multiple occasions decided that the safety and health of your children is worth risking so that she can have another martini. The alcohol is more important to her than your children are. If something had happened to your children, she could be charged in a court of law. That's how serious this is.

Encourage her to seek help, but don't let her be alone with your children again until such time that she has been sober for a length of time that seems appropriate to you. Remove any alcohol from your house when she comes to visit. Put your children first. They look to you for safety and protection.

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Final score:

6points

Kitsune Nocturne

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NTA. As the child, neice and grandchild of alcoholics (we've had a few unfortunately), you're absolutely 100% right to put your children first. My dad once took 7 year old me onto a motorway on bicycles whilst pissed and my mum immediately banned me from seeing him until he got clean again (divorced). Didn't get him clean admittedly for another 10 years but the point is, however much you love them, alcoholism is a disease. They may have the best of intentions but until they can get clean and sober, the disease will ALWAYS come first. Over you, your children, everything.

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Final score:

3points

The_Nicest_Misanthrope

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NTA since you want to give your children the best possible life they can have.

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Final score:

2points

MZ (she/they/he)

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I don't know what nta stands for but as an alcoholic I know how crazy it can be. Trust your gut. Protect the kids at all cost. Hopefully the mil will get help but you can force it. No matter who says you can. Again protect the kids. Adults are adults they should be able to understand tough choices need to be made. A child won't understand fully that choice.

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Final score:

2points

Tim leonard

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Kitsune Nocturne 2 years ago (edited)

Here's a list of acronyms for these types of posts, and their explanations (since you said you didn't know what "NTA" means): AITA = Am I The A*****e (In this scenario, am I the one who was a jerk?) NTA = Not The A*****e (No, in this scenario, you were not the one who was a jerk) YTA = You're The A*****e (Yes, in this scenario, you were the one who was a jerk) ESH = Everyone Sucks Here (You were a jerk, but so was everyone else in this scenario) NAH = No Assholes Here (You weren't a jerk, and neither was anyone else in this scenario) Hope this helps!

5points

Clearly NTA, you can‘t leave underage kids with a drunk adult.

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Final score:

2points

h to da izzle

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NTA. This goes beyond a grandmother spending time with her grandchildren. Her addiction is a huge issue and it needs addressing as soon as possible.The examples you shared are proof that she could become dangerous when drunk (whether intentional or not, like in the knives example), something you say is happening everyday. Do not be afraid to be forceful, because the safety of everyone involved is on the line.
You definitely made the right choice, and now you need to start thinking: How can you help your Mother-In-Law quit her habits? Simply asking does not seem to be working, so like I said, force is OK in this scenario. I'd suggest getting professionals to help.
Your Mother-in-Law may be hurt now, but later she and your children will thank you for putting safety first.

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Final score:

1point

Rose Button 🇺🇦

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Nta. Your first job as a parent is your children's safety, even if that means being a "a*****e". She really shouldn't be left with children at all even for a minute. If it's possible maybe even try to get her some alcohol addiction help.

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Final score:

1point

Mochi

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Hey Pandas, AITA For Wanting To Keep My Children Safe From My Alcoholic Mother-In-Law? (Closed)

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