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Hey Pandas, AITA For Denying My Pastor/Church’s Insisted Donation Of 10% Of A Fairly Large Settlement? (Closed)
I want to know if I am the asshole for denying my church 10% of a fairly large settlement awarded to me for pain and suffering. Long story short, this Pastor knew about how I had obtained this settlement. I was wrongly diagnosed with an illness due to malpractice and I was wrongfully treated for it, when i was not actually sick from the illness I was being treated for and I sued and won. When I shared the news with my pastor that I had been awarded it, I told him that I had intended on maybe in the future to donate a fair amount to the church, but it wasnt set in stone and I didnt specify how much I was thinking of donating, because i hadnt't received that settlement yet. A few months go by and I receive the settlement. I used some of it to get some therapy and to take care of my mental health. Through several more months and pain and patience, I learned that i had become the victim of narcissism growing up. So I had to take steps to protect myself. This led to me breaking off a relationship with someone I felt was mistreating me.Even though I care for her very deeply, it was very one-sided. So, I told you all that to tell you that when I had shared with this pastor that I was struggling with grief and stress and loss after having to break off this long time one-sided relationship. I had texted my pastor that I was suffering and hurting and needed a friend, and he eventually responded to my message a week later saying that he would get back to me when he has the free time. Fast Forward 6 more days to this past Saturday, I have my most of my settlement, I have a better outlook,I'm slowly healing, Im taking care of myself, but Im still grieving the loss of a dear relationship. I then get a text message out of nowhere from my pastor saying that he hopes that I attend his sermon this sunday, and that he'd like to talk to me afterwards so that I needed to stay after. So I drag my lazy butt out of bed to get up to go to church at 8am (should be illegal to start sermons that early) stay, wait for everyone to leave. And this Pastor is high energy, loud voice, very outgoing and extroverted. But when he spoke to me and took me aside, he spoke in a very hush, quiet tone so that only I could hear him. He took me to the side, sat me down in a chair next to his desk, and then here I thought he was finally going to get get back to me about my text messages, about the grief and loss I had gone through, about the self reflection and inward accountability and about losing a dear friend. I was ready to open up and share these things, because I hadnt really shared them with anyone yet, not even my therapist. And then this is what he said "So 'OP', I know you know that Easter is right around the corner and I think it would be a good time for you to donate the 10% of your settlement, because the church could really use the money to setup advertisement for Easter so that we can get as many people into seats so that we can maximize outreach and tithing. But, we're sort of tapped for cash right now the money you promised to give would go a long way to funding our advertisement, so how do you want to go about doing that?" The very first thing I did was cross my arms in an attempt to calm myself down and hug myself while I thought to myself, the audacity. This "teacher" and "Leader" is the head of a community of believers and as the shepherd of their flock, their primary responsibility is guide his sheep in safety and to leave the safety of the flock to chase after the one wayward soul and bring them back to safety. Their job is not to walk up to the wayward lost sheep and sheer off its wool to sell off, because the flock needs it for better advertisement. That is immediately how i felt and how I still feel. He (Pastor) still hasnt said a word to me about my loss,the grief Im struggling through or any of the feelings manifesting from it or any of the other things he promised he'd help me address. I thought at least he'd ask about my walk with God or about anything else that you'd think a Pastor would be concerned with. He made a bee-line for my settlement and all but made me feel that it was time to hand over the money that I never promised. Since then, the only communications I've received from him are regarding the assumed tithe, and I still go uncared for.
My ultimate question is after reading all that and thank you for reading this far; Am I the Asshole for telling this Pastor that he was more interested in my money than the person or the soul suffering within? I told him that I realize its Easter soon, but a tithe is always supposed to be a willing gesture and its always supposed to be done without guilt. I think it says in Micah? Not sure, but it says roughly to bring all the resources into the storehouse and to watch Him pour out a blessing, it doesnt say to do it or burn in hell. Partly because of my upbringing, partly because of my parents and their narcissistic abuse of me, I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is...fun... in addition I have CTSD which is Continuous Traumatic Stress Disorder. And if those arent enough, I'm also Empathic. So I fully recognize that the problem I am facing can very well be a result of my shortcomings and inward struggles I am just recently learning how to assert my own needs and to live my life without meeting the needs of others first. So, this is a hard situation for me to process. I feel like I'm wrong for telling my Pastor that I felt like a Fractured Piggy Bank picked clean, but left fractured. And I told him that I wouldn't be donating at this time and I told him that I would be looking for other churches. So, I feel like maybe I have overreacted and perhaps maybe I am the asshole and I'd like to know what other people might have to say about it. Thank you all for your time and I welcome all opinions, even if you dont go to church or believe the same as I do. Thanks again!
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#1
He does not deserve a cent. You are in a very rough moment and all he seems to care about is your money. He is there for the cash, not to help people. Spend the money healing youself and if later you want to help others donate it to associations for ill people, specially youe illness. And leave that church immediately; he is going to keep harassing you to pay.
Final score:
5points
#2
Not going to make a judgment either way. I do think it was unwise of you to even mention your settlement to the pastor before you decided if, when and how much you would donate.
I can certainly understand how his treatment of you as a revenue source instead of a valued congregation member would irritate you. He needs money for advertising? Who is he, Joel Osteen?
And like any advice columnist might tell you, your grief and trauma issues are serious, and possibly too intense for a clergy person to help. Or, he's not very good at his job. Either way, you might consider consulting a licensed therapist to help you manage.
Good luck. Blessings.
Final score:
3points
#3
Donations should be made of your own volition, otherwise, they're not donations.
Final score:
3points
#4
You're NTA. Yes, when you're a member of a church tithe is expected because the church needs money to run and tithe is how the people support the church. However what you tithe is between you and God not between you and your pastor - and that's where a lot of churches misstep. I once knew a pair of twins that basically got kicked out of the church they grew up in because when they turned 18 an associate pastor took them aside and demanded to know how much they made so he could make sure they tithed correctly. That is wrong on so many levels. I'm a Christian, and this is the kinds of things I've been in battle with the churches about. The problem is that like minds tend to congregate and they form bullying groups of people who think they're the only ones who are right.
Your Pastor was in the wrong to have that expectation set that you would tithe 10%. To make it worse - he ignored you when you were in crisis. Yes, there are a lot of people in a congregation and you can't help everyone, however when someone is in a crisis situation most Pastor's I know would be there. My mom had a melt down and one of our old pastors showed up even though we hadn't been to his Church in awhile. Ignoring you in a crisis and then basically demanding tithe - you're not the a*****e darlin' he is.
There are other churches out there, and there are better pastors out there you just have to find them. I've been to so many different churches over the years because of how much hypocrisy is in the church. I don't struggle in my faith, I struggle with churches and the people that attend them more than anything else. Its incredibly difficult for me to find fellowship because of this. It also doesn't help that I have told numerous churches in my area exactly why I have a problem with them.
As for what you're going through, a lot of us have been there. Ultimately you have to do what's best for you. Realizing that some things are toxic and recognizing that you don't need that in your life is a big step. Letting go of the toxic is even bigger. It hurts. It's apart of who you were up until this moment and it does get easier, it takes time but it does. Battling mental issues, realizing what you really went through, and trying to find yourself while you better yourself are all long processes that take time. There will be days where you can't drag yourself out of bed. Days where the apathy sets in and makes everything off color and muted. You can have those days but don't let them win. Even if its some small accomplishment like eating when you don't feel like it - take that as the win it is. I'm glad to see you have a therapist and hope they're helping. Therapy is important because it gives you tools that will help you as well as an external voice that will help fight the internal ones.
Final score:
3points
#5
If you want to give to charity, perhaps one that supports your condition or mental health? The church doesn’t need it.
Final score:
2points
#6
NTA. I'm not sure which denomination this church is, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that there are many things he could have done to support you pretty much immediately as opposed to making you wait a whole week. For instance, if your denomination's structure is anything like most protestant denomination's, there are elders in place, as well as deacons. The deacons are the one who should be in charge of the practical needs of the church and the members, and the elders should be in charge of the emotional and spiritual needs of the church and members. The way it works in my denomination, every member has an assigned elder, to whom they can reach out in times of emotional and/or spiritual need. Your pastor ought to have immediately offered to contact your elder for you and have him contact you, and if you agreed, would have seen that through. Making you wait and then demanding a percentage of your settlement is unconscionable.
Having said that, a word of caution to you: in the future, never offer money or any object to another person or organization when a) you do not yet have said money or object and b) you do not know the ultimate fallout of receiving said money or object. Always sit on what you receive for a while until you are absolutely positive that you do not need it, and then offer to donate/give an amount that you specify (never leave it vague). Doing that should help prevent this kind of situation, unless the other party is aware of the money or object coming to you and is shameless enough to demand it or a portion of it. To be clear, you weren't necessarily wrong to do that, and I'm not assigning blame or anything. I'm just providing advice that should help protect you.
Always remember that not all churches are going to be right for you. You can even stay at churches for a decade or two and suddenly find it is no longer a good fit. I strongly encourage you to do as you said and consider visiting other churches and trying them out and seeing if maybe they might be a better fit for you.
Final score:
2points
#7
Churches don’t deserve any money. Look at the mega churches and how they let homeless sleep on their steps and not inside. Why is this even a question? Keep your money.
Final score:
1point
#8
NTA I believe that you did the right thing. Your pastor is there to guide not insist that you give the 10% of the settlement. He should have addressed your texts and if he is not qualified he should have at the very least acknowledged that so you could seek guidance elsewhere.
Final score:
1point
#9
NTA - I am very sorry for all you have been through and it sounds like your pastor is contributing to your trauma rather than easing it. He wants the money to advertise to get more people in for their money, this is incredibly un-Christian. I am personally an atheist but value the message of Christ, one of love and understanding, I suggest you find a pastor who understands this. Use your money for a good therapist and perhaps donate some to a mental health charity but it is your money, your life, your choice.
Final score:
0points
#10
NTA. Leave the church. Find a new one that doesn’t know about your settlement. That’s between you, your lawyers, and god.
Final score:
0points
#11
One one hand I'm an atheist so I absolutely follow no religions and think it's generally a scam. But I understand faith helps some people and it's a positive influence in their lives so to each their own. If you use church services, get help and advice, and it's a place that has given you some kind of solace in times of need, then I understand wanting to give money or tithing of your own volition. It doesn't sound like this is some mega-church or something. Most small churches survive solely on the stipend they get from their dioses and donations from the community. That being said...it's voluntary. You don't have to donate. And outside of a suggestion by the pastor--which is not unheard of-- you shouldn't be feeling pressured to give up any ''mandatory' anything. You didn't sign a contract and there are no membership fees for the practice of faith. And if there are...run away. Because for-profit churches are not doing right by their flock. These people are the epitome of evil.
Final score:
0points
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