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I live in the UK (southwest Scotland to be exact) and I moved out of my parents' house in mid-November. I had been living with them for almost a year due to breaking up with my ex-partner. Since I have moved into my own apartment my parents come around regularly. My mum always has to rearrange everything around the house and my dad sprawls out on the couch and takes over the tv. As well as that, they turn the heating on and turn it up and leave lights on making my electricity and gas bills go sky high. Also, they thump around when they are walking around and bang doors closed.

My neighbours below me have politely mentioned it a few times and I have spoken to my parents about it and they just brushed it off. I get on well with my neighbours and want to keep it that way. I have told my parents not to come back if they can’t be respectful of the fact that I have people living below me. They also complain that my furniture is too low and they stare out the windows a lot which I disagree with because my other neighbours might think they are being spied on. AITA for telling them not to come back if they can’t keep noise levels to a minimum?

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#1

I would try to bring up this topic when you are all calm and not in the middle of an argument about their noise, etc. Express that you appreciate them and their company but certain boundaries are needed as you're not a kid anymore. To answer your question, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It's just a sticky situation.

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Leodavinci
Leodavinci
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Did they have rules you had to abide by while living with them and/or visited? If so, then it's right and proper for you to do the same. Turn about is fair play.

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    #2

    No. You already "gently explained" multiple times.
    You have to be firm.
    I expect my kids to be respectful of things and mindful.
    Everyone does. Just because they might miss you doesn't mean they can come over and disrespect your home.
    You are NOT the A-hole.

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    #3

    Part of me wonders if they are doing it on purpose to remind the OP of their actions as a teen. Not defending it, just thinking it might be so.

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    Martha Hendrix
    Martha Hendrix
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That was my first thought. That's exactly the way it reads and had me giggling right off the bat. It's definitely something my parents would have done and would have been justified in doing so. Tell them their point has been well received then apologize. Then apologize some more for good measure. Then remind them that if you get kicked out of your new place, it'll mean you have to move back in with them. All should be well.

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    #4

    Robert, sit your parents down and explain gently what you do and don't accept in your home. I think they miss you and you can actually bring this up and talk about it. Maybe try a fixed day once a week or once every whatever for them to pop by. This is hard to deal with because you love them and they clearly don't know how to handle you moving away (I think). Stick a note on the wall with your rules, get curtains ;). Good luck.

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    dfreg avatar
    Leodavinci
    Leodavinci
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Their disregard of his concerns leads me to think they be trying to get him evicted so he would have to move back home.

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    #5

    Not at all.

    In fact, I'll go even further: begin charging your parents money if things begin to go missing or broke in your home because your mother misplaces them, or begin asking them for the difference of your utility bills if they keep racking up so much.

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    #6

    Of course not. I would recommend visiting them rather than them coming to you. Also, like others have mentioned...talk to them about it. If they aren't willing to change then don't answer the door when they come by without calling first. When your mother goes to change something, call her out at the time she's doing it- don't wait until she leaves or call them afterward. Point it out as they do these things. Tell them to sit down. Follow them if they go anywhere but to the bathroom. When they get annoyed by this point out that you wouldn't have to if they simply respected your wishes. And by them blowing it off or acting like it doesn't matter to you, it shows how little they do respect you. If you put it all to them this way, maybe they'll finally stop. Honestly, if my mom moved a single thing in my apartment I'd be so mad! And how dare they touch your thermostat? They are not roommates-- they are visitors. If they don't like the temp then they should not come to visit. Or at least ask first. I'm telling you...call them out as you see them doing it and immediately change anything they do. It might piss them off at first but when you explain that you have to do this because they don't respect your wishes and you will continue doing it, they'll stop. If they don't, then don't feel bad about not letting them in anymore.

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    Suzi Q
    Suzi Q
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Good point, they may not even realize they are doing it. It's possible that they don't see you as an adult.

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    #7

    You deserve boundaries and your parents should respect that. Try to explain to them that they have their own home and maybe to only come over to yours when invited. It is important to have a conversation with them to explain why you are asking this and to make sure they know that you are a independent person who can live on their own. Let them know that you value their presence but they must ask permission before coming to your house and respect your rules.

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    sharronlynnparsons avatar
    sharron lynn parsons
    sharron lynn parsons
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Forgot to say, they should only come to visit, when asked, and show respect to an adult child !!!

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    #8

    You've already spoken to them, they brushed you off. That's a clear signal that they have no intention of changing and they have a poor sense of boundaries.
    Instead, visit them or meet somewhere for coffee/picnic/walk/etc. If you need excuses (short of an outright ban), here are a few: "Someone cooked something and it stunk up the whole building"; "The landlord has to do some work"; "The electricity went off and it'll take a few hours to restore it"; "The kid upstairs is practicing the bagpipes and I need to get away."

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    #9

    Your house, your rules.

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    #10

    No.
    Did the same 4 years ago.
    No contact since then, the other side of the coin.

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    Darth Oswin
    Darth Oswin
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Thank you for that honesty. That was very strong of you to share. May you find peace.

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    #11

    I pretty much agree with everything said above & that you're NTA, but I do have some questions - do your parents have a key to your apartment & are they coming in when you're not there? Did they contribute any money towards the apartment costs? I'm definitely getting the impression of entitlement on their part. You really need to be very firm with them about their behavior, then get the extra key back if they have one, & set up a repayment plan if they gave you money to get the apartment. And be firm about them only visiting once a week, then ease into fewer visits over time. Good luck!

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    #12

    Nta- They sound inconsiderate

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    #13

    You would not be an a-hole by teaching them to be respectful to you and your neighbours. I can understand is difficult to stand up to the people that raised you. But you know these guys for many years, so you might be aware of their soft spots, the kind of approach you might have for them to compply to your rules. If you really want to have them around, they must follow your rules as well as you followed theirs when you lived under their roof. Good luck and hope you guys can get a compromise.

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    #14

    I'm thinking the joke is on you. Here in the USA there's a funny story we all talk about. It's that we're supposed to live long enough to go to your child's home and do everything that your child did at home growing up.
    I've already told my son I plan on opening all windows & doors, stand in front of the open fridge every 20 minutes, leave all lights on....

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    AW
    AW
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This might be okay for a while as a "funny payback" as long as everyone is on the same page. But would you keep on doing this if it caused friction with neighbours or landlord/lady?

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    #15

    One s home is one s castle. Either they raised you to take care of yourself and your home or they didn't raise you right. Either way they can behave or be gone.

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    #16

    As a parent of grown children myself, I can sympathise. Your parents were there for you when you were going through a rough patch. You became their child again and they could take you under their wing once more. Now you have left home and they are experiencing empty nest syndrome all over again.
    Do you have brothers and sisters or are you an only child?
    I would sit down and have an honest chat with them. Perhaps offer to take them out for a meal to thank them for all they did for you when you broke up with your partner. Then explain to them how excited you are to be independent again, that you want to reclaim your life and start again. That means spending more time by yourself, doing your flat up the way you want to and being responsible for yourself.
    If that doesn't work then simply take the spare key off them (I am assuming they have one?) and don't be available when they want to come round. Start going out more, to the cinema, to music/comedy gigs, invite friends round and perhaps schedule in a regular event where they either come to you or you go to them so they don't feel pushed out.
    It's hard as they were there for you and perhaps feel entitled to reclaim you as their child. They might be lonely together and crave your company again. So if you have brothers and sisters, perhaps they can help you out by spending a little time with their parents too.
    Try to see things from their pov and whilst you certainly can't have this situation carrying on, you can make a few compromises too.

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    Not Proud British
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    Beverly Mulkey
    Beverly Mulkey
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    All this parent tension tells me there's a lot of entitlement in this room. Sure, have achat with them to respect your rules, but it doesn't have to be mean and hateful. If they don't listen, then set your boundaries. Compromise - how much longer do you have them with you?

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    #17

    Your parents are behaving inappropiatly and you need to find a way to make them change their behavior. But I still think that you should first find another way besides banning them from your house, especially since you been living with them for almost a year after the break-up. (For example tell them to buy you new furniture if they hate your current ones so much, Try foam tape around the doors to deal with the banging lock the thermostat, etc)

    Also,they are stilll your parents no matter what and banning them from the house should only be the last option.

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    Cassandra Reese
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I really don't understand the whole "they're still your parents" thing? And? They made sure I survived to 18. That's about it. Don't respect my rules? Banned.

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    #18

    NTA, and primary reason being is the neighbors are raising complaints. As those complaints can lead to them going to the landlord/property manager which creates warnings and lease rules issues where you can even get thrown out of your APARTMENT. Being kicked out of one place can and will affect where you can be able to live next. Them causing you to spend extra money on utilities is very childish, and heavily impacts your budget and bottom line.

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    #19

    Not at all. It is YOUR house and YOUR relationships with YOUR neighbors which gives you every right to ban them if they won't respect that.

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    neil mason
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    None of my Family members have been to my Flat - been here 2 years.

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    #20

    Are they not treating you how you treated them maybe?

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    #21

    Those parents aren't that good. Messing with others things is really annoying for the person. Sprawling on the couch, when your a guest?! Do I need to say anything? You even told them to stop! I wouldn't let them over until they stop either.

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    #22

    So my mum is a bit like that. I have a smart thermostat now that I control with my phone that she can't operate. The same with my lights. But she likes it dark so she was always turning my lights off. She also liked to take over my tv when she came by and since I only use streaming services the last couple of times she came by I told her I was having internet trouble when I really just changed the password while she was here. I've placed smart locks on the bedroom doors that need my phone or my fingerprint. The only door she can access is the bathroom. It finally drove her crazy. Now I have to go to her house if I want to see her. I don't have that problem with my dad. When he comes over he just wants a beer and talk cars.

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    #23

    NTA, your parents were really disrespectful to you and your neigbors.

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    #24

    Tell them that if they were trying to make a point you got it and thank them for it. Since you can't go back in time offer them a heart felt apology. Going forward each of you will show respect to the other.

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    #25

    Do they have keys to your apartment and just let themselves in? Change the locks for a start. Attend your apartment only by invitation and if they disrespect the house rules then immediately ask them to leave. You are NTA....

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    sharronlynnparsons avatar
    sharron lynn parsons
    sharron lynn parsons
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yes, nobody should have keys to your home, especially family, trouble comes with keys !!!

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    #26

    NTA. I mean how would they react if it was reverse and you acted that way in their home.

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    #27

    They shouldn’t be touching your stuff either. My daughter is living with me as she saves for a house deposit, and I wouldn’t dream of going through her things. She’s an adult ffs

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    #28

    nawwww, am I right guys, ye...

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    #29

    If they cannot respect your wishes in your household then, you have the right to kick them out. They don't seem to have any boundaries and it's making you and a lot of other people uncomfortable. NTA

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    #30

    Absolutely not the a*****e. It’s your house, you decide! They can’t force you to let them in!

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    #31

    I'd have to say NTA. You have asked them to not do these things, and they ignored it.

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    #32

    I believe you made the right decision. You should also express the other concerns as well; if you decide your parents can come back.
    They need to have respect for your boundaries. It might be wise to invite them out for a lunch/dinner, and have an open discussion on why they keep visiting so much in the 1st place! It would give the opportunity to express your boundaries as well.

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    #33

    NTA, they're literally Parents! They should be able to understand the concept of Bills, Noise Complaints, and Not going to somebody's house and acting like you Own It! Tbh, they sound pretty entitled. One of those "My kid, my house" people. 🙄

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    #34

    You have two parents who are doing different things that you don't like. I'd suggest you talk to each one privately about your concerns with them (as a couple they might pair up defensively). Be respectful. Ask them if there's anything you could do to help them control the problem. Thank them if they yield. Remember that changing habits is hard and they might need gentle reminds from time to time.

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    #35

    NTA. it's your house. you pay the bills. you can decide who can or cannot come in.

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    #36

    just wondering... did u do all these things in their home when u ran back to them after the relationship break-up? think about it... maybe u r not the AH now, but maybe while u were moping about and ticked off at your ex you were. just sayin - been there n done that ... next time they visit - apologize for having been a jerk, treat them to a lovely dinner, hug them and tell them u love them, and tell them u got their message loud and clear, and apologize again, and as u bid them good night, again tell them u love them and appreciate them

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    #37

    NTA.
    you've tried gently explaining to them, they didn't listen, so you did what needed to be done.

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    #38

    Are your parents like this in their own home? Or in other family’s homes? Even on trips at lodging? If they are it’s them in general an you prob never noticed til you had them in your private space. Next time you visit them at their homes see how they act. If it’s just in your home then do what they do in your place. Don’t acknowledge you’re behaving like they did. At the end when they are fed up just say you were acting the way they do. And I wouldn’t have them back because all those things they do are quite rude. Talk with your downstairs folks there an explain you can’t understand why they are doing what they do. Laugh about it and say they are on a ban til better behavior comes along. Kiddie adult time out. Or just don’t have them back.

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    #39

    NTA. You’ve asked politely that they stop making noise because of your neighbours and they can’t do that
    Their behaviour is very disrespectful to others not to mention it being rude and hugely overstepping your boundaries
    That flat is your personal space your mum shouldn’t be rearranging things and your dad shouldn’t be controlling the tv. They don’t pay your bills so they should be asking to turn the heating up and not leave the lights on
    If they can’t follow simple rules then they can’t be in your flat that’s your choice
    Ya know since it’s YOUR DAMN FLAT

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    #40

    Nope. You have already asked them to be respectful and they still don't seem to care. Unless they apologize AND show it, then I would recommend allowing them back in. Otherwise, no.

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    #41

    Try explaining it again to them and make them pay half/all of the bills they spike up. If they refuse and still don't listen then lick them out.

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    #42

    NTA, you've given them plenty of warnings, don't let them back in until they're ready to respect your stance on this.

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    #43

    I wonder if they're doing that thing parents do where they're purposefully doing what we did as kids as though to somehow "get back at us"... If so, nah, NTA. You already tried to explain to them why multiple times. If they can't listen to that, then it's only fair.

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    #44

    Not the AH, imo. You've told them multiple times. They've had their warnings, it's their fault if they choose not to listen to them.

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    #45

    Nether AH. At worst, they may just be getting their own back on you, at best trying to make you see what you were like in their house and trying to get you to understand what it’s like from their perspective. My wife and I have always mused about doing this with the kids when they get their own places. Just call them out and tell ‘em you get it, and apologise.

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    #46

    I would say yes and no. They shouldn’t be rearranging your house or taking absolute control of the TV, and they definitely should keep the noise levels to a minimum. I know what it is like to have noisy neighbors, and it is very annoying. However, there are some points you make that are very assholeesque. Number one, being mad at them (or in your own words, “you disagree with them”) for looking out the windows is a very a*****e thing. Your neighbors don’t look through your windows. And too low furniture could be bad for posture.

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    Anna Calkins
    Anna Calkins
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    His house, his furniture, his choice. They're not even waiting to be invited, why would you side with the parents 🤮

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    #47

    never abandon your parents. talk it out.

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    #48

    No. You are not. F**k them and long live you.

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