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Hey Panda Pals. When Did You Notice That You Had Given Up?
So, I knew for a few years now that, despite how it appeared externally, I was slowly giving up. The reasons and details why are unimportant because, at best people will support me and/or find a sense of community going through something similar and at worst it creates negative emotions and judgement of me or themselves. Neither changes anything for myself or others. Anyway, I was walking out of my bedroom recently and looked at a calendar hanging just inside my doorway that I have walked by every day countless times and realized it was still sitting on January 2023. For some background and context, I have had a calendar in my home for almost thirty years ever since I first moved out on my own, and never missed changing over to the next month for more than a few days or maybe a week at best. I do have a smart phone, but have never used any of the options for a calendar as I did previously with my paper calendar, so it's not a matter of evolution from one method to another. I just stopped scheduling my life. So, here's my question to y'all. What was the moment or sign when you realized you had given up?
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#1
When I was in enough pain to be completely honest with myself, my therapist, and my 12-step group. And to be honest, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'd been struggling with a number of things: major depression, an anxiety disorder, postpartum depression, substance abuse (I'd not had a drink in over 6 years, but I found myself one day trying to decide if it would be better to drink or self-harm), and a failed marriage. I was basically dealing with all of this alone because I just couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling. But I just kind of broke in that moment. I just started being truly honest with the people around me. That was a little over 4 years ago, right before the pandemic. I've kept that honesty. I fully threw myself into changing literally everything about how I was living my life. I'm still on meds. But no longer need to see my therapist. I do service work in my recovery community. I'm going back to school in January (I'm 41; it's a big deal for me). But I actually participate in my own life now. It's been painful, these last few years, but oh, so worth it! I'll have 11 years sober just after Christmas, and I wouldn't give it up for anything. It's possible to come back from that place. But it's painful, will take a lot of time and effort, and most importantly, it'll take complete honesty. But it is possible.
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