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30 Harsh Facts About Having Kids That Many Aren’t Even Aware Of, Shared By Disillusioned Parents
The statement that raising kids is the most difficult job in the world isn't just empty words. According to a study by the Pew Research Center, the majority of parents (62%) say that it has been at least somewhat harder than they expected, with about a quarter (26%) saying it's been a lot harder.
Part of the reason for this might be that people often highlight the joyful and fulfilling moments with their children while glossing over the relentless challenges and sacrifices they make day in and day out. So when one Redditor asked everyone else on the platform to share the harsh realities of having kids, they received plenty of eye-opening replies.
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#1
That your kid doesn't owe you anything. They never asked to be born and you didn't do them a favor by bringing them here. You going through pregnancy and raising a baby and feeding and clothing them? That's your responsibility and not a favor.
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#2
You’ll be sad and miss the child who is gone as they age. Because of how much they change and grow, for the first several years they’re basically a new person every 6 months and you’ll miss who they were. For example, my son is nearly 7 and I sometimes miss my 2 year old, who was super cute and I loved dearly, but will never ever see again.
You love who they are as they grow, but there’s a palpable sadness that comes along with it, too.
gmf 7 months ago
If you want something that needs nurturing, feeding, cleaning up after, and constant attention for its entire life, get a dog. Half the joy of parenthood is that they do grow from being these helpless little homunculi into independent, strong and capable men and women of whom you can be proud.
#3
Sometimes your kids grow up and develop personalities that you don't like or that are incompatible with your own.
Jennifer Tucker 7 months ago
Most people won't admit, or talk about this one. My (43F) oldest child (21F) and I have a relationship like this. We love each other, but I don't think either one of us likes each other. It goes both ways. We value different things, and really just don't know how to relate to each other. But we love each other, so we keep trying. I'm hoping that the older she gets the more we will find a way to relate.
#4
You might not be attached to that child right away, maybe even for a while after, AND THAT IS OKAY. It is so completely okay to not know how to sort all that right away.
I had my first last year. I come from a long line of stoic women who show very little emotion even doing the most nurturing task. I was of course excited to finally be having kids, but when I paced around 41wks pregnant I felt no motherly bond. My body was doing something it was designed to do and I was along for the ride. When they layed her on my chest I reacted as they instructed me, that's all I had.
For the first month of her life I didn't feel that connection, and with waking every hour and a half for feeding plus seeing how it was stressing my partner out (who is not a night owl, and I am not an early bird) I too went into that stoic autopilot. My brain said "child needs x, provide x". I didn't even know what to call her! I'd be staring at this brand new little human and saying her name sounded too formal, but not addressing her before talking felt odd. My brain was slowly learning how to categorize all this.
Around week 6 (and after sleep was a bit better, waking every maybe 4 hours instead of 2?) I think that motherly instinct came around. Suddenly I could tell her different cries apart, and when I'd have conversation with her I found I'd sprinkle smiles and bounces in, it was great. I finally felt a small sparkle of mommy love. She's 8mos now and hell on wheels with her standing and scooting everywhere, haha. Now I know all about her and love her to pieces.
#5
That there are going to be some days you'll wish you didn't have children.
Yes, it happens. No, you're not a terrible parent. That s**t is hard.
#6
The amount of time you spend standing around waiting, at parks, playgrounds, to get out the door, into the car etc etc. I totally underestimated that.
#7
Children will (and should) say things that will hurt your feelings and p**s you off. Now, that's not to say they should be allowed to do so without any type of consequence, but this is a vital part of their growing and learning to become their own human.
The hard part is that you, as the adult, have to figure out how to navigate this without taking it personally, losing your s**t, and turning into a tyrant. You also have to learn when and how to address it, and when and how to let it go.
It's a really tough balancing act, especially if you have a child who is neurodivergent and struggles with impulse and emotional control.
Ranger Kanootsen 7 months ago
Yes, balance is very important. Please be fair, but also be careful.
#8
Lots of good answers here already. So I’ll try to toss out a slightly different one. I call it the “black mirror” I feel like kids learn way more from watching you exist than from you teaching them. And sometimes I will see my older son speak a certain way to his brother or me. Or do a certain thing. And it’s like watching my bad habits or faults manifest in another being. In the best of times it makes me want to be a better person. But also I am human and I have faults. And I get tired or stressed or hungry or whatever like anyone else.
lenka 7 months ago
The mirroring is one of the biggest ones for me. I often call my children little mirrors. They do what they see. And they see me and their dad. The good the bad and the ugly. Nothing motivates me more to become a better person than seeing my children mirror my bad habits or behaviour.
#9
Not sure if this quite fits the question, but somethings I think about how much of a misnomer it is to say “having a baby”.
That part is so brief, and also not at all the point. We’re not setting out to create a baby, but to create an adult.
That’s the whole journey, and the most important part is helping a brand new kid—>adult with their whole psychological framing of everything, empathy, respect, patience, discipline, ambition, self esteem.
Babies are kind of the easy part.
#10
Time goes so much faster. And not just because you're watching them grow up and change but just because every task with a kid takes SO LONG.
Tamra 7 months ago (edited)
Time really does fly. I look at my son, who will be 20 later this year, and I can still almost feel his little hand in mine when we walked together. I am absolutely proud of the kind, funny young man he's become, but I do miss holding that sweet little boy. It's bittersweet.
#11
You're unrealistically hopeful if you think your child will turn out how you want them to.
It is harder than juggling chainsaws to find a balance between being lenient enough to gain your child's respect, but strict enough that they learn to conduct themselves appropriately, be considerate of people other than themselves, and become decent humans.
You should have kids if you passionately want to, from the bottom of your heart. Not because 'it's what people do'. Not because your partner wants them. Not because your parents want grandchildren.
#12
That other people will never '*get it*' until they have one of their own.
It's almost hilarious. "Oh, I will do x,y and z when we have our kid!"
"How hard can THAT be?"
"MY baby won't etc..."
Then, when they actually do have a child, how it all goes out the f*****g window.
Oh, and having a pet is *NOTHING* like having a kid. It just is not.
You're pet isn't going to end up on heroin, or drive drunk, or join a cult.
Little Wonder 7 months ago
"Oh, and having a pet is *NOTHING* like having a kid. It just is not." I know, that's why I have pets and not kids.
#13
Think about how many times you use the bathroom. You probably poo once a day and pee 5 times per day.
Double that number. That's how many diapers you have to change **EVERY . SINGLE . DAY** for a newborn child.
Babies also don't stand still. They like to move around and wiggle. You aren't qualified when you can put a diaper on a doll. You are qualified when you can do it on a feral bobcat.
Raven DeathShade 7 months ago
I have 9 younger siblings, so I believe I am uniquely qualified for parenthood.
#14
Your mourn each stage they grow out of. Then you celebrate the new stage. It’s an going cycle of mourning and then celebrating.
You celebrate them crawling, then you realise that they’re not always going to crawl to you. You celebrate them going to school, then it hits you that you don’t have a baby anymore.
#15
Get a second fridge and watch your food bill soar. All your bills will soar. And right when all the bills are paid they will break something, need a hospital visit, or an event is coming up, or fate finds a way to siphon more money out of you.
#16
That any mental health or neurodivergent issues the parent has are going to be exacerbated x 100.
That you will almost constantly feel like a f**k-up, either with regards to raising the child, to effectively handling the non-kid parts of your life.
#17
Say goodbye to your disposable income and sleeping through the night.
Nitka Tsar 7 months ago
Mommas: it‘s likely that your body will never go back to being able to have a nice deep sleep. You will be instantly awake if a pin drops for the rest of your life.
#18
Weekends spent in your car waiting for your offspring to complete various activities.
#19
That you go from your home to the office to relax, as opposed to the other way around.
I love working from the office on Friday. It's a work from home day for everyone, so my side is completely empty. Which, for me, is just relax in the chair, kick my feet up, and listen to some tunes without anyone bugging me.
#20
The love is so strong you wonder how your heart can hold it and knowing you would take a bullet, run into a burning building or do anything for them but also have many moments (often in the same day) when you think your head will explode from your internal screams of "I hate being a mother!".
Not Who You Think 7 months ago
There's nothing like that feeling of your heart overflowing with the love you get from WANTING to put someone else first.
#21
There is no one single way to parent that is universally right. All children are individuals and even within the same family each requires their own approach to everything.
Also for future parents prepare yourself to feel Constant doubt about every decision and action you take with your kids forever. .
#22
If you truly care about your kids, the feeling of guilt is a daily experience.
Piwakawaka 7 months ago
Studies have been done with results showing that the top emotion felt by parents is guilt.
#23
How much they cost! I don’t have kids, but most of my friends do, and all I hear about is how they’re always broke because little Johnny did this and tiny Sarah ate a bee and that’s how they found out she’s allergic.. and I’m over here like, nah, I’ll just have a cat.
Nitka Tsar 7 months ago
Even if you take medical bills out of the equation because you don‘t live in the US, children need so much stuff! And sometimes you just want to give them that stuff (like for example a kid does not NEED a bike but you want them to have one). Even if you get stuff second hand etc
#24
That little kids get sick often as they are building up their immunity systems especially if they go to childcare or preschool. If your child is sick you have to stay home with them and miss work.
howdylee 7 months ago
Put my twins in daycare when they were 2.5 years old. Two weeks later, they're both super sick, for 2 weeks long. Still had to pay for their "spots" at the daycare even though we were home for those 2 weeks. Also fun when big sis got the illness from them, then both of us parents got sick also. 5 sick people, over Christmas. The good news is now at 8 years old, they're rarely sick!
#25
Your own flaws show up and you need to show at least a way to fix them. And school starts at eight. So the alarm goes at 5:55 ….
#26
Want to do something quickly? you can't. you now have another human to care for/think about for a very long time, even after they turn 18.
#27
There is a short person that insists on holding my hand when I use the toilet.
Nobody explained the absolute lack of privacy you'll have.
#28
You are not their friend growing up. You are there to guide, curb and direct to make good choices on their own, have a compassionate backbone. These choices have to be age, intellectual, and emotionally appropriate. You are more experienced than your children but your perceptions of reality as a adult may be inappropriate based on their maturity. Be cautious of overburdening them with your vices or personal baggage.
Roger9er 7 months ago (edited)
That's what my father-in-law does, the latter. He complains to my wife and her sister - and does the same when I and/or my brother-in-law are present. He complains about his own wife, their mother to them, and they hate it. He shows up unannounced, without calling first, and then starts whining. He is therefore regularly sent away by them.
#29
Realizing that a “vacation” is now just listening to your kids fight, having to buy expensive food they won’t eat, and not sleeping for a couple of weeks a year.
There are moments when you feel like they’re enjoying things and building core memories, allowing you to feel the joy of having those experiences with them.
But in the end you’re just doing the same child care in a more expensive place
GoodWolf 7 months ago
Idk about that. We spend all day together doing fun things as a family. Everybody can eat whatever they want, the kid is hungry from all the activity and will eat more with less complaints. Bedtime doesn't matter, nobody has to get up early and the kid goes to sleep when she is tired. Everybody is in their best sunshine vacation mood. I love vacationing with my family!
#30
Being a parent is like being an NCO (Non-Commissioned Officer)
Your job: Teach, mentor, and train.
Your goal: Make them better than you at everything so they can be better for their turn.
What do you think ?
Amelia Jade 7 months ago
Parenting is hard. But I've never once regretted or hated having kids. I have also never found it boring. Boring is the last word I'd use to describe parenting. This list just makes me sad. I also never felt like I gave up my life or freedom. I just folded the kids into my life. I've still always done the thing I've enjoyed doing. I still pursued goals. The kids never slowed any of that down. They just became a part of it. People have such a negative view of parenting and of their own kids. We really do need to normalize NOT having kids. People shouldn't do it because of pressure, or because it's what your supposed to do. It's okay to not have kids. Society would be better off if people who don't actually want kids didn't have them. Then maybe all this negativity around parenthood wouldn't exist.
Ranger Kanootsen 7 months ago
I understand where you're coming from with this. I have one thing to say to any aspiring/already parents: DO NOT take your negative feelings out on your children! Every cruel word and bruise is something we will never forget.
Trillian 7 months ago
Way to put more pressure on poor new parents who are already unsure about what they are doing wrong. It is not that bad. Kids learn to understand that parents are people. Apologize if you did something wrong and validate their feelings, that is important. You definitely WILL screw up at some point.
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Michael Largey 7 months ago
In other words, parenting is just as difficult and demanding as it was for your parents. How rewarding it turns out to be is up to you (somewhat).
Amelia Jade 7 months ago
Parenting is hard. But I've never once regretted or hated having kids. I have also never found it boring. Boring is the last word I'd use to describe parenting. This list just makes me sad. I also never felt like I gave up my life or freedom. I just folded the kids into my life. I've still always done the thing I've enjoyed doing. I still pursued goals. The kids never slowed any of that down. They just became a part of it. People have such a negative view of parenting and of their own kids. We really do need to normalize NOT having kids. People shouldn't do it because of pressure, or because it's what your supposed to do. It's okay to not have kids. Society would be better off if people who don't actually want kids didn't have them. Then maybe all this negativity around parenthood wouldn't exist.
Ranger Kanootsen 7 months ago
I understand where you're coming from with this. I have one thing to say to any aspiring/already parents: DO NOT take your negative feelings out on your children! Every cruel word and bruise is something we will never forget.
Trillian 7 months ago
Way to put more pressure on poor new parents who are already unsure about what they are doing wrong. It is not that bad. Kids learn to understand that parents are people. Apologize if you did something wrong and validate their feelings, that is important. You definitely WILL screw up at some point.
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 7 months ago
In other words, parenting is just as difficult and demanding as it was for your parents. How rewarding it turns out to be is up to you (somewhat).
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