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Women Are Sharing Their Exes’ Seemingly Harmless Personality Traits That Ended Up Being The Reddest Flags Of Them All (30 Posts)
You think you know a person. Especially your partner. But one day they tell you that their pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with them and suddenly you feel like you're standing in front of a stranger. (Yes, Ross Geller, I'm talking about you. Shame.)
A few weeks ago, Redditor NTSTwitch made a post on the subreddit 'Ask Women' that read "What seemingly harmless personality traits ended up turning out to be a dealbreaker in your relationships?" and its members immediately started sharing their experiences.
We thought the answers provide some interesting insights into not only dating but socializing in general, so we rounded up the most-upvoted ones, and invite you to check them out as well.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
I can't date an extrovert. They can be really lovely people so I've tried but I was always just so tired. My husband likes to hang out at home and do nothing as much as I do, other people probably think we're boring af but I'm happy.
We managed to contact NTSTwitch and she agreed to tell us about what inspired her to make the post. "I formulated the question a few days after breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years," the Redditor told Bored Panda. "We loved each other so much, but we just no longer have the same goals for our future or our lifestyle. So, I decided to gather my thoughts and figure out what I'm going to look for if I ever decide to find another life partner. In addition to all of the red flags I am already mindful of, I wanted to gather a list of not only other people's red flags but also their green flags that turned out to be red flags."
NTSTwitch continued by providing an example from her previous relationship. "I thought it was great that he was always available for me when I called and answered all of my texts on time. It made me feel important and special to him," she said, adding that, "Over the last few years, I began to realize that the reason he was always available was because he had no hobbies or interests, no real friends, no relationship with his family, and didn't like to go out. All of those things are now dealbreakers for me."
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#2
Agreeability. After a while you realise they never make any decisions and just go with whatever you want to do, which makes it so that you make literally all the decisions. It's exhausting.
#3
Consistently making demeaning “jokes” about you or your abilities. Death by a thousand cuts. It’s passive aggressive and completely repulsive.
Dr. Stephanie Freitag, who is a licensed clinical psychologist, highlighted that relationships are supposed to add to our lives. So if there's a red flag that you think calls for a breakup, you have all the rights to terminate it.
However, somewhat counterintuitively, you should think about these things not after another fight you just had but during one of the highs. "How are you feeling in your relationship? Of course, you're going to have down moments and days, but in your best moment in the relationship, when things are going smooth and well, how are you feeling?" Dr. Freitag said.
Relationships should make you feel happy, content, and joyful. "If you don't have as much of a positive association with the relationship, it probably should end," she added.
#4
Conflict avoidance.
Nobody wants to fight all the time, but an inability to have a disagreement without shutting down completely is not sustainable in an adult relationship. It only builds resentment.
Katie Lutesinger 2 years ago
There was a good passage about this in "Galilee" by Clive Barker. "He liked to be liked, even if that meant avoiding a confrontation that would be to everybody's benefit. And so, faced with [his wife's] growing unhappiness, he simply averted his eyes."
#5
Mama's boys. In a sense they’re great because they tend to have more respect for women, however, sometimes it’s more then that. If they never disagree with their mom and always go with mommy’s suggestions or advice over yours then that’s a red flag. My husband won’t stick up for me to his mom and I’m feeling resentful for it.
"If you're concerned enough to be noticing a lot of red flags, that is information that might require you to take a really hard look at what you're getting from the relationship," Dr. Freitag explained. "If you're at the point where you're more focused on the red flags than doing fun things together, then it might be time to consider why you're in the relationship in the first place."
Interestingly, among the 15% of American adults who are single and looking for a committed relationship or casual dates, men and women report equal levels of dissatisfaction with their dating lives and the ease of finding people to date, with roughly three-quarters experiencing these issues.
Among the top reasons cited are finding someone looking for the same type of relationship (53%), finding it hard to approach people (46%), and finding someone who meets their expectations (43%).
#6
We had so much in common. I thought it was serendipitous. Turns out he just changes his personality to mirror who ever he’s around 100% of the time.
#7
He was always sweet and adoring towards me while a complete monster to anyone/everyone on the outside… lol it’s not that he has a soft spot for you!! It only lasts so long before they switch up on you too.
lenka 2 years ago
Yes! and abusers and narcissists use 'love bombing' with their intended victim so they are so wrapped up in the good. Its really really important to pay close attention to how they treat other people, especially service providers. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat waiters for eg. Pay attention, because that's who they truly are.
"What I learned from the post was how several traits (within reason) can be a green flag or a red flag!" NTSTwitch, the author of the post, said. "I am looking for someone more social for my next relationship, but several people answered that being social was one of the traits that turned out to be a dealbreaker for them. It was unsurprising that I would see so many of what I perceived to be positive traits on the list, but it was really nice to gain some perspective on the subject anyway."
The Redditor thinks that people misjudge others' personality traits for several reasons. "One reason [I personally do it] is because I don't know myself well enough to know how I'd handle particular situations. For example, I think I'd want a man with his own life so I can have my own life. However, I haven’t been in that situation in a long time. Maybe the lack of attention would cause issues for me. The second reason for me is that I tend to settle when I get attached. If a man checks off a certain amount of boxes for me, it gets easier to ignore things that I know are dealbreakers. I also think it’s important to note that we aren’t psychics. We are making the best judgment we can with the information available to us at the time."
"It's easy to criticize our choices in hindsight, but I think a lot of us are just doing our best and life doesn't always turn out the way we thought!" she noted.
#8
Any self proclaimed 'empath'. It turns into 'look how much I'm hurting because of your pain'
Edit: The point I'm making is that people who claim to be empaths often make other people's emotions about them. Rather than letting a person grieve, it becomes about how much the other person's grief effects them.
#9
For me it was messiness, it translated to me being responsible for all the house work & cleaning up after his mess. I became a caregiver not a partner.
Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California, and in her four decades of working with singles and couples, she has developed the following questions that should, in theory, help you decide if the person you're considering to involve yourself with is the right fit:
- Have your past partners turned out to be who you thought they would?
- Are you most often attracted to partners who are “out of reach"?
- Are the qualities you look initially for in a partner those you need for the long haul?
- Is it important to you that your partners impress others?
- Is the partner you want available within your current dating options?
- Are you being realistic in getting what you want based upon what you have to offer?
- Are your choices more often based on romantic myths rather than pragmatic possibilities?
If your answers to questions 1, 3, 5, and 6 are “no” and those to 2, 4, and 7, are “yes”, you are much less likely to find success in the dating market if you continue searching the way you have in the past.
#10
Always funny. It’s fine to be funny, but it becomes a problem when the person prioritizes being funny over being kind. They’ll say something critical or sarcastic and try to hide behind “humor.” Or, “being funny” is such a big part of their identity that they will prioritize that over every else.
I wish in my younger days I had prioritized kindness over being funny in men.
Marleina Hershberg 2 years ago
I wonder if that constant humor is hiding depression? Miss you, Robin Williams!! RIP TWITCH!!
#11
“Telling it like it is” — at first it seemed like an admirable trait, to be with someone that’s blunt and straightforward. But after a while, I realized they just didn’t want to be held accountable or questioned for saying awful things.
Katie Lutesinger 2 years ago
I hate how some people use phrases like "telling it like it is" and "being blunt" and "playing Devil's Advocate" in order to make their rudeness and bullying sound like some sort of virtue.
#12
One I haven't seen mentioned yet is the inability to take criticism. The last guy I was with had no problem critiquing my interests, jokes, or behaviors, but he'd always get so defensive if you ever tried to give him any constructive criticism about anything.
#13
People pleasers.
I used to think they were generous people with kind hearts, but over time I learned not to trust them because they’re not true to themselves and are very resentful people due to their inability to say how they really feel. They do nice things to “get” you to like them, not because they actually want to. I don’t like that.
Carol Emory 2 years ago
Consider that it sometimes comes from people that were bullied as kids. We try to please people, especially those that are like bosses or mentors, because we have this avid fear of rejection and having the whole bullying thing happen again. It is an unreasonable behavior...but we just don't want to relive those days when we were nauseated at the thought of going to school and facing it all over again.
#14
Liking to “get a little buzzed”. What I thought was just a few drinks on Fridays and Saturdays turned out to be actually drinking through 2 liters of tequila in 24 hours. Wouldn’t have ever noticed the extent of the problem if I hadn’t moved in.
#15
Him being a social butterfly. Turns out he was always seeing who he could reel in for later and had more back burners than a restaurant.
OmBoyGanesh 2 years ago (edited)
I have quite a few female friends & we are very social. How is that a red flag? I also have a bunch of male friends I’m very social with. Even quite a few gender-queer, non binary and trans friends. Social butterfly with all of them. How is any of this a red flag? It certainly isn’t a concern for my husband. Seems OP has misplaced the meaning of the flags. It’s ain’t his social nature that’s the problem. It’s the impulse control and need for validation. Ir he just can’t keep it in his pants.
#16
Being a workaholic. I grew up in an immigrant home in the US, my parents had very little education from their country, so they worked very hard. I thought it was normal to work as much as they did. My ex was a workaholic with school, work, friendships, and family relationships. I even admired his work ethic. But the stress that culminated and little to no time for our relationship caused a lot of tension in our relationship.
#17
wanting to see you all the time. I felt guilty if i didn't want to go to his place for a fourth time that week. towards the end, one of the last straws, was his s**t talking my mom because I had to help her with something around the house and therefore couldn't go to his place.
this wasn't why I ended this abusive relationship, but in hindsight I realize it's a red flag I never noticed. Something I thought was flattering in the beginning turned into 2 years of being unable to enjoy my own company without feeling anxious and guilty.
Stephanie Cunningham 2 years ago
Folks, this should be a HUGE red flag. When I met my ex I was 25 and hadn't been in many actual relationships. I mistook his possessiveness and love bombing for devotion and thought I was so lucky to be adored that way. Early on in our dating days, I went out for a girls' night with two friends and failed to see that his reaction was toxic. I could have saved myself so much heartache, pain, and lost friendships.
#18
Spontaneous. Turned into just him being impulsive and never being able to self discipline. It eventually led to cheating, drinking excessively, etc. I felt like I had to moderate him. As soon as I broke up, he went off the deep end and said it was because I was his "motivation" to be better previously 🥴
#19
Decisiveness. Started off great bc he made his mind up and was determined to follow through. Wasn't so great when he made life altering decisions without informing or including me in those decisions even though it would effect me and our relationship.
OmBoyGanesh 2 years ago
Wrong enemy here. It isn’t his decisiveness. It’s his selfishness. Making decisions without including relevant parties is an issue of being inconsiderate and selfish.
#20
Not having male friends.
Learned by the end of it that they could see through his bs/ the “i just get along well with girls” was because he flirted his way into “friendships”.
J. G. 2 years ago (edited)
Not sure I agree with this one. This is a time of shifting views on gender and if you don't match the stereotypes of your generation as a man, getting along better with women rather than men can't be exclusively attributed to being a player. And it could also be due to your line of work. Or the psychological challenges of your biography. I'd be careful to prematurely judge a man merely based on the fact of the majority gender among his friends, even if he's very successful at dating. Also, even if he flirted his way into friendships, if he's capable of maintaining them, that means you can read at least some platonic depth into them.
#21
Talking down about his exes, he thought he was making me feel better by saying they weren’t as good as me, flawed, etc. eventually it just felt like woman hate. Not flattering and not fun to listen to!
#22
Being concientious with money. When every gift turns into a debate about how much it costs...
Stephanie Did It 2 years ago
I spent too many years being told I wasted too much money on food.
#23
Guys who make their whole personality revolve around their hobbies like anime, gaming, and science stuff. There is nothing wrong with having hobbies like that, but at the same time be more open-minded to learn new things and other experiences. I dated one and it didn’t get so far, couldn’t hold a conversation well if it wasn’t about his hobbies and interests. He also was a people pleaser which annoyed me very much.
#24
poor education.
seemed like no big deal, he was able to provide, he did well in life. But that lack of quality conversation was just so boring
#25
Name calling others within earshot. Then turned into name calling straight to my face and in front of other.
Started out as just a frustration thing. Became abusive language once they got too comfortable.
HAD to cut the string loose. Unfortunately ended in me being battered and bruised.
Phoebe Bean 2 years ago
Sorry for what happened to you and I hope everything goes well after you got out of a toxic relationship.
#26
Disputatiousness. At first it felt like fun banter, but after a few years it was exhausting how he ALWAYS had to be right. Couldn’t even have minor disagreements like who the actor in a movie was without it becoming a whole thing, never mind if I we actually needed to discuss something serious.
#27
thinks the fact that he’s been to therapy gives him the corner market on every emotional issue. i guess the personality trait would be “self awareness”, and i say it in quotes because there were still glaring emotional issues he had but since he’d been to ✨therapy✨ he thought he could do no wrong. he would yell and jump to conclusions and make ad hominem attacks and then immediately back track and think that was the pinnacle of self awareness. like back tracking on your abuse immediately is something that is impressive or should be revered. i wanted to be like “bro, you know there’s an option where you just act like an adult instead of blowing up and then apologizing immediately right??”
King Cheetah 2 years ago
Where do these fu*kers come from? They have nest under the city or what?
#28
Their relationship with their mother (not exactly a personality trait but kind of). My mom always told me, "How he treats his mom is how he'll treat you" and while I definitely want a guy who respects his mother, I think her perspective is an outdated, traditionalist way of looking at things. I have known plenty of guys who seemed to just really love and appreciate and be close with their moms at first and I thought, "Aw so sweet, he must be a good guy," and then I find out they don't know how to cook/clean/do laundry/take care of themselves as adults and not only that, but don't plan on ever learning and instead expect the women they're in a relationship with to do all that stuff and basically be their mothers so they never have to grow up. These people also can be bad at talking about serious stuff, or refuse to take accountability for their actions because their mothers to this day tell them nothing is their fault. The worst one fit that description but on top of alllll that, still cuddled/spooned with his mom in bed at age 22 (while facetiming me and letting his mom read a private letter from me over his shoulder as I sat there in awkward silence) and had sex dreams about her but didn't find it weird. I still love guys who love their moms, but I am also very wary now because sometimes when they love them a *certain* way it comes along with some devastating emotional immaturity.
#29
I had a friend that was very invested/dedicated. At first, I thought this was a good personality trait, but it ended up being suffocating. She would constantly refer to me as her “best friend” even though she wasn’t mine. She made very territorial social media posts about how I was her “best friend in the entire world.” If I hung out with other friends, that she didn’t even know, she would get annoyed that she wasn’t invited. If I wanted to spend my free time alone, with my husband, with other people, etc. she would take it personally and make comments about it. She was jealous with the amount of time I hung out with my husband and said it “wasn’t fair” and that I “treated her differently” than I treat him (obviously).
#30
Frugality. It seemed awesome because he was super careful with money. But in the end he never likes to spend money on ANYTHING. Even things that mattered to me (e.g bday dinner).
#31
Control. Needing to control certain things or their anxiety goes wild. I have anxiety and understand the why but at the end of the day the why is never acceptable. You cannot control most things in life and the overwhelming need to do so always leads to worse things.
What do you think ?
Aqsa Azam 2 years ago
This article has every personality trait. Some of them opposites. Decisiveness and indecisiveness, reserved and high energy, introvert and extrovert. I have learned two things: everyone has different preferences and that everything should be in moderation.
V 2 years ago
It's more watching for people who ALWAYS have to make the final decision, or NEVER make a decision, etc... Everyone has moments but it's when people are consistently showing a personality trait.
Load More Replies...
phoenix campagnuolo 2 years ago
If all the people who hated laziness traded with the people who didn't like productivity we could cut this list by half
Saint Thomas 2 years ago (edited)
Every pot has its lid. A lot of what I read seem to be personnality traits that don't work together. (Agree, some other points on this list are real red flags). And finding the good person can take some time. You make "mistakes" along the way, think someone is made for you when really they're not. It doesn't mean they (or you) are bad people. Just that you don't work as a couple. I think the biggest mistake is not to date "outside of your style", because sometimes it surprising how well some couple work even if the partners are really different. Not, the mistake is to perservere in a relationship that doesn't work hoping that it'll eventually do. Nobody changes radically. Sure, you can work on some traits, but you'll always be more or less the same person. Same for your partner. So don't waste time with someone if it doesn't work.
Walter Bravenboer 2 years ago
This is a very depressing article... Why bother dating, I'll be never good enough.
JayWantsACat 2 years ago
The hiding insults behind "calm down, I'm just joking". This my father, who I see like once a decade because he does this. Last time I visited after not seeing him for years, his first words were essentially "jeez, Jay, you got fat." And then when I get annoyed get told he's just joking. What's the joke then? What a coward.
NickTurtle 2 years ago
I learned that those who hate making decisions should date the controlling people.😁
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago
I think ot all boils down to balance. A good example is showing emotion: he cried when his dog died? Understandable. That's fine. But crying every day over something? Not okay. We want sensitive. But balance it out.
Rodolfo Cavazos 2 years ago
I got to #20 when I remembered there were 76 more to go. I couldn't go further. So negative.
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
Too many of these turned into "I thought the person had this (neutral or even good) trait, but it turned out to be this (terrible) trait," but at least every one of these turned into healthy discussions. SO much better than the man-bashing that BP sometimes turns into. And much more helpful. I can see myself, or more former self, in several of these. SO much better than triggering defensiveness in men and paranoid self-isolation in women.
TheDag 2 years ago
Right ok so basically understand all my traits are toxic even the nice traits I never realized about. I should be motivated and make my own decisions but at the same time be more laid back and let other folk make their own decisions? Be able to hold a conversation about things I have no idea about even when the other person is giving 1 word answers about their favourite topic and MOST of all be myself but also not quite myself a weird pseudo version of myself that's both confident but also not too brash. I've got that right haven't i? please tell me I got that right? Guess I'll just have to be happy wandering and camping the Scottish wilderness by myself then XD
Marla 2 years ago
Most seem to be about extremes. Saving money= good. Only ever eating can beans = bad. Buying nice or luxury items that will be used and can be afforded = good. Maxing out 20 credit cards buying Funko Pops = not so good.
Load More Replies... Aqsa Azam 2 years ago
This article has every personality trait. Some of them opposites. Decisiveness and indecisiveness, reserved and high energy, introvert and extrovert. I have learned two things: everyone has different preferences and that everything should be in moderation.
V 2 years ago
It's more watching for people who ALWAYS have to make the final decision, or NEVER make a decision, etc... Everyone has moments but it's when people are consistently showing a personality trait.
Load More Replies... phoenix campagnuolo 2 years ago
If all the people who hated laziness traded with the people who didn't like productivity we could cut this list by half
Saint Thomas 2 years ago (edited)
Every pot has its lid. A lot of what I read seem to be personnality traits that don't work together. (Agree, some other points on this list are real red flags). And finding the good person can take some time. You make "mistakes" along the way, think someone is made for you when really they're not. It doesn't mean they (or you) are bad people. Just that you don't work as a couple. I think the biggest mistake is not to date "outside of your style", because sometimes it surprising how well some couple work even if the partners are really different. Not, the mistake is to perservere in a relationship that doesn't work hoping that it'll eventually do. Nobody changes radically. Sure, you can work on some traits, but you'll always be more or less the same person. Same for your partner. So don't waste time with someone if it doesn't work.
Walter Bravenboer 2 years ago
This is a very depressing article... Why bother dating, I'll be never good enough.
JayWantsACat 2 years ago
The hiding insults behind "calm down, I'm just joking". This my father, who I see like once a decade because he does this. Last time I visited after not seeing him for years, his first words were essentially "jeez, Jay, you got fat." And then when I get annoyed get told he's just joking. What's the joke then? What a coward.
NickTurtle 2 years ago
I learned that those who hate making decisions should date the controlling people.😁
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago
I think ot all boils down to balance. A good example is showing emotion: he cried when his dog died? Understandable. That's fine. But crying every day over something? Not okay. We want sensitive. But balance it out.
Rodolfo Cavazos 2 years ago
I got to #20 when I remembered there were 76 more to go. I couldn't go further. So negative.
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
Too many of these turned into "I thought the person had this (neutral or even good) trait, but it turned out to be this (terrible) trait," but at least every one of these turned into healthy discussions. SO much better than the man-bashing that BP sometimes turns into. And much more helpful. I can see myself, or more former self, in several of these. SO much better than triggering defensiveness in men and paranoid self-isolation in women.
TheDag 2 years ago
Right ok so basically understand all my traits are toxic even the nice traits I never realized about. I should be motivated and make my own decisions but at the same time be more laid back and let other folk make their own decisions? Be able to hold a conversation about things I have no idea about even when the other person is giving 1 word answers about their favourite topic and MOST of all be myself but also not quite myself a weird pseudo version of myself that's both confident but also not too brash. I've got that right haven't i? please tell me I got that right? Guess I'll just have to be happy wandering and camping the Scottish wilderness by myself then XD
Marla 2 years ago
Most seem to be about extremes. Saving money= good. Only ever eating can beans = bad. Buying nice or luxury items that will be used and can be afforded = good. Maxing out 20 credit cards buying Funko Pops = not so good.
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