This was what I call my first big disaster and huge learning experience. Client comes in, I’ve highlighted her about 4 or 5 times but today she sits in my chair and says “I wanna go red!” Well, 20 year old, naive me doesn’t think this is a bad idea. 20 year old me thinks this is my MOMENT. I’m kind of a nerd in terms of hair color and I got really excited to do all the necessary steps to take her from blonde to red. It’s not as simple as just throwing red on her, there’s many steps that I won’t bore you with. Anywayyyy I do exactly what she wants. She loves it. We hug. The next day I’m met at the door by my manager who tells me that client “is so upset, she has no idea why you made her red, she wanted blonde, she doesn’t want you anywhere near her while someone else fixes it”. This b*tch changed her mind and threw me under the bus. Dammit Karen, you know you asked for red, and I know that you know that I know you asked for red. I’m sorry your boyfriend hated it. Lesson learned: blondes are crazy; if they ask for anything else, say no (source: I am a blonde)

Oooooh this one was CRAZY. Not the client, but the sequence of events. So that morning my girlfriend calls me (this is before free unlimited texting) and tells me she’s getting on this guy’s private plane with some other girls and they’re going to NYC for the day to go shopping. She worked in finance (to put it generically) and these guys she worked for had LOTS of money. Now, many of the girls were sleeping with these guys. My friend was not, but she was not above getting a trip to NYC. Anyway, my client comes in that afternoon and she looks awful. Starts to tell me she thinks her husband is cheating on her and blah blah blah and he’s flying his plane to NYC and she thinks all these girls are going with. I nearly shat my pants. What are the chances?! This is where I play the listener and say as little as possible. I felt so bad for her. They eventually divorced, she did alright. His company went under and last I heard he had to file for bankruptcy.

I’ve been doing hair for almost 20 years so smartphones were not even around at the beginning of my career. Women used to bring in pictures of what they wanted. I lost count on how many women brought in black and white magazine pictures (I’m lookin at you Jennifer Aniston Smart Water ad) and said with a straight face “I love this color”. Nowadays I just get to deal with the nightmare that is Pinterest. So much photoshop and filters...

She takes it with her to the bathroom. I can only assume she put some on her pubic hair. I don’t know how she didn’t make a mess in her pants and I don’t know why she felt it was necessary to match the carpet to the drapes but I’m not here to judge. You do you. Hopefully you don’t get a chemical burn on your lady bits.

When you work in any service type field, you see some interesting stuff. One of my first memories is shampooing women with surgical scars. So. Much. Blood. And scabs. Why are you getting your color done before your sutures have healed?! One of the girls I worked with legitimately thought all these women had some sort of brain cancer until I told her they all had facelifts. This was the early 00’s, today it’s all about fillers and Botox. Not so many head wounds, thankfully.

This woman...she’s the worst. Usually she’s late, she’s always rude af, and treats me like I’m a servant. One day she comes in-late of course-and she’s on her phone. Tells the unfortunate person she’s talking to “ugh I’m having THE WORST day. I got a parking ticket and I have a yeast infection”. I think the entire salon went silent. Like yeah, shit happens but use your inside voice. Not everyone wants to hear details about your vagina. In fact, I don’t even think your best friend wants to hear about your vagina.

I love when clients come in buzzed. They’re more relaxed and we have a lot of laughs. Usually my clients will tell me if they’ve had a boozy lunch or a couple glasses of wine...but then there are the ones who try to hide it. I’ve had clients bring in “Vitamin Water” totally spiked with vodka (hint: you reek of vodka), clients who are constantly going to the bathroom and come back completely f*cked up, and one time one of my clients was found on the floor of our bathroom, completely incoherent. Honestly I feel bad for them because they obviously have a problem. But hey-they gotta get their hair did and someone’s gotta do it! And FYI, chances are your hairdresser’s done a LOT of partying. We’re not above it and you probably won’t shock us if you tell us you just snorted a rail of coke off the back of a toilet. Js