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Stepmom Vents To Friends About Raising Stepkids, Husband Sees Her Messages And Loses It
Somewhere in a perfect world, we probably find a person with whom it’s so easy and comfortable to walk hand in hand throughout life, live a long and happy life with them, raise children and calmly leave when our time comes. But this world is in no way perfect – so divorces and remarriages are common. And where there are remarriages, there are stepchildren.
The heroine of our story today, the user PointToItOnThePage, says that one day, in a group chat with her friends, she shared her thoughts about raising her stepkids – and was stunned when her husband read these messages and took offense at them. So, let’s just move on to the story now.
More info: Mumsnet
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The author of the post has 2 stepkids and she says she does her best to be a decent stepmom for them
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
However, in a recent discussion in a group chat with friends, the woman opened up that sometimes it’s hard to love them since they’re ‘not hers’
Image credits: PointToItOnThePage
Image credits: karlyukav / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Soon after, the woman found out that her husband had read these messages on her phone and was absolutely indignant at her words
Image credits: PointToItOnThePage
Image credits: Alex Green / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The man took offense at his wife’s revelations and called her out – but she thinks he overreacted here
Image credits: PointToItOnThePage
So the woman decided to seek support online, even despite the fact that snooping on her phone was actually inappropriate
So, the Original Poster (OP) is a stepmom to 2 kids, and one day, in a group chat with her friends, when the conversation turned to another woman’s teen stepkids and the mess they cause at home, our heroine also decided to share her point of view.
The woman wrote that her stepchildren are really good kids, but sometimes they can be really difficult. And that anyone who is able to love them like their own children after that is definitely a saint. But the OP, alas, is not a saint herself.
Later, when the chat participants discussed the problems of raising stepkids, the author also wrote that when a child isn’t yours biologically, it definitely grates on you more. At the same time, as the woman herself admits, she really does her absolute best in raising her stepkids. And she considers herself a decent step-parent to them.
However, soon after this discussion, the OP found out that her spouse had read her messages on her phone – and was incredibly indignant at these words. As a result, a real quarrel broke out. The husband considers the very fact of such statements unacceptable, and the wife believes that, firstly, she didn’t say anything seditious, and secondly, it’s 100% unacceptable to read her texts behind her back.
So the woman decided to take it online to find out what other people thought about how correct she was to write these words in a group chat. As as for the husband’s behavior – that, as the OP claims, is a completely different story.
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Well, the problem of relationships between stepmoms and stepkids is as old as the world, and we have actually been faced with this issue since childhood, reading old fairy tales about Cinderella and the like. However, the world has come a long way since the time when Cinderella was written. And since then, a lot of good advice has been written on how to improve relationships with stepchildren.
“We see them through the lens of responsibility first and love second, which means their flaws are visible to us at all times,” this dedicated post on Stepfamily Solutions website claims. “It’s normal not to like your stepchild. And when that happens, go for kindness and respect first and foremost, and let the pressure you put on yourself to have specific feelings. The feelings you have are always valid.”
In the comments to the original post, the author wrote that she had never talked to her husband about her attitude towards his kids before – but now that they also have children together, there is still a certain difference for her. But at the same time, she still tries not to make any distinctions between her biological kids and the stepkids.
People’s opinions in the comments to the original post were actually very divided. Some do believe that the author, when marrying a man with children, should have foreseen such a development of events. “You must have known you’d be in this position,” one of the commenters wrote. “You sound very selfish to be honest.”
Also, some readers think that the father was really upset after reading such revelations from his wife. “I don’t think he is overreacting,” another person supposed. However, other people believe that in any case, the man shouldn’t have been snooping on the wife’s phone. “You’re correct that it’s a private conversation and perhaps he will think twice next time,” the responder reasonably added.
However, all people are different – some are capable of sincerely loving their stepkids, and some still draw a fine line between their biological kids and the children of their spouse. And what do you, our dear readers, think about this situation? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.
People in the comments were very divided: some of them told the author she should have foreseen this before marrying a dad of 2, and some claimed that people are actually different
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What do you think ?
Sunny Day 3 months ago
The main problem with being a step parent is your spouse. They expect you to take care of the children as if they are your own, but if you offer a differing opinion on something, you get "they arent your kids!" A step parent has all the responsibility but none of the autonomy. They are basically unpaid hired help who have to keep the bosses happy. It's hard to "love them like your own" when you only get a snotty attitude in return.
Acruss 3 months ago
Yeah, like Op said in the comments. The husband is more defending of the stepkids and is questioning his wife authority over the stepkids, but at the same time he REQUIRE of her to treat and love those kids like her own...
Load More Replies...
Ge Po 3 months ago
Being a stepparent, like being a foster parent, means having (partially) traumatized children throw in your lap, without the benefits of having bonded with them at a really young age. This means that if the other birth parent is still alive or if they have known this other birth parent, you will never be her/him. If the other birth parent is no longer alive, you will never be able to replace her/him. There will be trauma no matter what. This makes it hard to develop a bond with a step/foster child and yes, it's hard. And yes, it's good and necessary to be able to talk about it with others in a similar situation. It does not make you less lovingly and it does not mean you hate the kid(s). It just means that you have some struggles and it is better to be honest about it that to swallow it away and let it fester.
Goose of the Ahonkalypse 3 months ago
I did love my step kids like my own but husband needs to take a step back and shush. Being a step parent can be an incredibly thankless job. It's often all of the responsibilities (and sometimes sacrifices) with none of the agency. And yes it is easier to tolerate your own kid being an AH or annoying sometimes because you get the agency to do something about it.
dandylilah 3 months ago (edited)
Stepmom of 2 boys, here. I am younger than my husband and came into the marriage childless. It is very hard. And I will NOT be having any of my own, if that says anything.
Trillian 3 months ago
They are not her kids. As long as she tries and treats them well, it is fine in my book. And now can we talk about wtf he was doing with her phone? Is that really such a common thing to snoop through your partner's private conversation? I would have a serious fit over this.
Nikole 3 months ago
Absolutely terrible. And aren’t people allowed to vent??
Load More Replies...
Alexandra 3 months ago
I like to add that men with full custody often have a new wife quite a bit sooner than a woman with full custody. Make of that what you will. Also, if you date someone with children, I think it's better to have a kind of pre-nup thing, stating exactly who is responsible for what. The clarity that comes from that benefits everyone: blurred lines don't.
Rebecca Hyzer 3 months ago (edited)
I have children and no step children, married to biological dad. Society, for whatever reason, has this misconception that a step parent HAS to love their step children as their own biological children. This is proven by many comments just on this forum. In addition, this expectation seems to be greater if you're female. I don't hear this put upon men as much. The problem is, the kids already have TWO biological parents. Unlike a biological parent, a step parent has NO legal/societal rights to these step children. The step children certainly have no societal responsibilities towards a step parent, only biological ones perhaps as they age. I've never heard anyone telling a step child that s/he has to love/respect a step-parent as their own. In addition, these expectations set everyone up for failure because it's prohibitive towards genuine bonding development.
Teresa Hale 3 months ago
It’s hard for me to understand why anyone has a negative response to this. Who seriously thinks a stepparent loves the kid(s) like they were their own? Say that to the bio Mom and watch the fireworks. And what was said is extremely reasonable and mild. Bet “real” moms say worse sometimes. Whoever thinks that a potential spouse should love his/her kids “as if they were their own” needs to make that unrealistic demand explicit before marriage. I do understand that parents are easily made defensive about their kids, but if this dad had no idea his wife was occasionally stressed and disgruntled…I do not get that. Also yeah don’t read someone else’s chat.
Patric Romesburg 3 months ago
While I am not married nor have any interest in dating let alone marriage. As a person who had a step parent I can honestly say that this woman is in the right. She's not saying that she doesn't love her step children, she's saying that she couldn't love them like they were her own. At no point did she say she hated them or felt apathetic towards them. OP you have my support and sympathy for the way you are feeling about your stepchildren. Don't let ANYONE try and say otherwise.
Julia French 3 months ago
husband reading wife's chat messages is a big disrespectful boundary violation! husband is an AH!
Teddy O'Malley 3 months ago
I love my step kids like my own, but I am fully allowed to discipline them (as long as it's not abusive which is reasonable) and their dad lets me be involved and their mom is very involved but involves me as well (inviting me to activities and parades). I think OP is being a bit harsh, but I understand if the parents are MAKING it hard.
Fight Hypocrites 3 months ago (edited)
OP said nothing wrong. It's how she feels. Venting about kids can be cathartic and better than having the fit you may feel is warranted because the cat"s been glued to the wall.AGAIN.or whatever. I vented about my own kids as well as my stepkids because, really, they're all buttholes sometimes. The mistake that the OP made was the doomed "LYO" Comment (Like Your Own). Why even go there? What's the point? It may be true, but what's to be gained by making the comparison? Just gripe/vent/seek advice about whatever's bothering you. I have 3 stepchildren that my husband got custody of while they were still in lower grade school. We had 3 together , the first being born when the youngest stepkid was 12. People had repeatedly told me that I'd feel differently "about my own". Usually apropos of nothing. Then it occurred to me that no one saying that to me had stepchildren. I do feel differently about them-I mean each of them because they're 6 different people. One laughs at the same stuff I do. One is certain to give the others good advice on what they don't want to ask Mom & Dad. One likes the same music, One's nerdy in the same way I am. One makes sure I don't dress like 5 years ago. One is the one I trust to carry out my wishes. None of this is limited to the kids I birthed.
Jennifer Germain 1 month ago
I am a step parent and have 4 if my own, she has always been adamant that I am not her mother. She is right I am not and she lived full time with her mom. I cannot take that place, ask any kid of divorce and they will tell you the same. No it isn't easy, parenting isn't easy. The step kids will not love you like they do their parents, you will not love them as your own children but you can all love one another regardless.
Opala Ernst 3 months ago
He shouldn't be snooping through her phone. She should insist on marriage counseling.
Karen Bird 3 months ago
I love my daughter in law like she's my own and I didn't meet her until she was an adult. By saying she can't love them like her own children, it reads as if the step children are always going to be playing second best! You should enter into a marriage with somebody who has children with an open heart. Allow love in and let love out. She seems to want a medal for occasionally putting them first! He shouldn't have snooped but she should have told him that she was incapable of loving a child who isn't biologically hers!
gilliansl aka Gillian Silverlight 3 months ago
My late husband had three kids from his first marriage. I tried really hard to be a FRIEND to them. Taught two of them to drive, the son called me when he got his GF pregnant (on purpose. He wanted out of his mother's house.) asking for advice. (They are still together 20+ years later.) But it was a very uphill battle with their mother running me down to them and not really allowing me to be friends with them. So, for some years now, they have hated me. This became abundantly apparent when my husband died last year. But prowling through your phone... He has a BIG trust issue with you. He likely brought that baggage with him.
ThisIsMe 3 months ago
Sounds like he has specific expectations of how OP should feel, doesn't know how to cope when she doesn't even though OP is treating them well. You can't make another person love you, the same way you cannot make another person love someone else. Sounds like a good issue for couple's therapy.
Christopher Crockett 3 months ago
(sing this to Lego Movie "Everything is Awesome") Everyone's an @sshole! He went through your phone so you're on the attack, Everyone's an @sshole! You wrote some stupid things and you can't take them back Everyone's an @sshole! You both fvcked up big but you can't take the blame, Everyone's an @sshole! You really hurt your kids and ain't that the biggest shame? Seriously, talk it the fvck out instead of pissing and moaning to strangers online. Because no one's gonna win if this gets out of control. Fvck your feelings and fvck being right. One of you needs to evaluate how they really feel about the children in the relationship, while the other needs to respect certain privacy boundaries. Or just break up and screw everyone's day.
Schmebulock 3 months ago
There are so many problems with this relationship and what they are doing. Both the OP and the dad are AH and sound like horrible people.
Sunny Day 3 months ago
The main problem with being a step parent is your spouse. They expect you to take care of the children as if they are your own, but if you offer a differing opinion on something, you get "they arent your kids!" A step parent has all the responsibility but none of the autonomy. They are basically unpaid hired help who have to keep the bosses happy. It's hard to "love them like your own" when you only get a snotty attitude in return.
Acruss 3 months ago
Yeah, like Op said in the comments. The husband is more defending of the stepkids and is questioning his wife authority over the stepkids, but at the same time he REQUIRE of her to treat and love those kids like her own...
Load More Replies... Ge Po 3 months ago
Being a stepparent, like being a foster parent, means having (partially) traumatized children throw in your lap, without the benefits of having bonded with them at a really young age. This means that if the other birth parent is still alive or if they have known this other birth parent, you will never be her/him. If the other birth parent is no longer alive, you will never be able to replace her/him. There will be trauma no matter what. This makes it hard to develop a bond with a step/foster child and yes, it's hard. And yes, it's good and necessary to be able to talk about it with others in a similar situation. It does not make you less lovingly and it does not mean you hate the kid(s). It just means that you have some struggles and it is better to be honest about it that to swallow it away and let it fester.
Goose of the Ahonkalypse 3 months ago
I did love my step kids like my own but husband needs to take a step back and shush. Being a step parent can be an incredibly thankless job. It's often all of the responsibilities (and sometimes sacrifices) with none of the agency. And yes it is easier to tolerate your own kid being an AH or annoying sometimes because you get the agency to do something about it.
dandylilah 3 months ago (edited)
Stepmom of 2 boys, here. I am younger than my husband and came into the marriage childless. It is very hard. And I will NOT be having any of my own, if that says anything.
Trillian 3 months ago
They are not her kids. As long as she tries and treats them well, it is fine in my book. And now can we talk about wtf he was doing with her phone? Is that really such a common thing to snoop through your partner's private conversation? I would have a serious fit over this.
Nikole 3 months ago
Absolutely terrible. And aren’t people allowed to vent??
Load More Replies... Alexandra 3 months ago
I like to add that men with full custody often have a new wife quite a bit sooner than a woman with full custody. Make of that what you will. Also, if you date someone with children, I think it's better to have a kind of pre-nup thing, stating exactly who is responsible for what. The clarity that comes from that benefits everyone: blurred lines don't.
Rebecca Hyzer 3 months ago (edited)
I have children and no step children, married to biological dad. Society, for whatever reason, has this misconception that a step parent HAS to love their step children as their own biological children. This is proven by many comments just on this forum. In addition, this expectation seems to be greater if you're female. I don't hear this put upon men as much. The problem is, the kids already have TWO biological parents. Unlike a biological parent, a step parent has NO legal/societal rights to these step children. The step children certainly have no societal responsibilities towards a step parent, only biological ones perhaps as they age. I've never heard anyone telling a step child that s/he has to love/respect a step-parent as their own. In addition, these expectations set everyone up for failure because it's prohibitive towards genuine bonding development.
Teresa Hale 3 months ago
It’s hard for me to understand why anyone has a negative response to this. Who seriously thinks a stepparent loves the kid(s) like they were their own? Say that to the bio Mom and watch the fireworks. And what was said is extremely reasonable and mild. Bet “real” moms say worse sometimes. Whoever thinks that a potential spouse should love his/her kids “as if they were their own” needs to make that unrealistic demand explicit before marriage. I do understand that parents are easily made defensive about their kids, but if this dad had no idea his wife was occasionally stressed and disgruntled…I do not get that. Also yeah don’t read someone else’s chat.
Patric Romesburg 3 months ago
While I am not married nor have any interest in dating let alone marriage. As a person who had a step parent I can honestly say that this woman is in the right. She's not saying that she doesn't love her step children, she's saying that she couldn't love them like they were her own. At no point did she say she hated them or felt apathetic towards them. OP you have my support and sympathy for the way you are feeling about your stepchildren. Don't let ANYONE try and say otherwise.
Julia French 3 months ago
husband reading wife's chat messages is a big disrespectful boundary violation! husband is an AH!
Teddy O'Malley 3 months ago
I love my step kids like my own, but I am fully allowed to discipline them (as long as it's not abusive which is reasonable) and their dad lets me be involved and their mom is very involved but involves me as well (inviting me to activities and parades). I think OP is being a bit harsh, but I understand if the parents are MAKING it hard.
Fight Hypocrites 3 months ago (edited)
OP said nothing wrong. It's how she feels. Venting about kids can be cathartic and better than having the fit you may feel is warranted because the cat"s been glued to the wall.AGAIN.or whatever. I vented about my own kids as well as my stepkids because, really, they're all buttholes sometimes. The mistake that the OP made was the doomed "LYO" Comment (Like Your Own). Why even go there? What's the point? It may be true, but what's to be gained by making the comparison? Just gripe/vent/seek advice about whatever's bothering you. I have 3 stepchildren that my husband got custody of while they were still in lower grade school. We had 3 together , the first being born when the youngest stepkid was 12. People had repeatedly told me that I'd feel differently "about my own". Usually apropos of nothing. Then it occurred to me that no one saying that to me had stepchildren. I do feel differently about them-I mean each of them because they're 6 different people. One laughs at the same stuff I do. One is certain to give the others good advice on what they don't want to ask Mom & Dad. One likes the same music, One's nerdy in the same way I am. One makes sure I don't dress like 5 years ago. One is the one I trust to carry out my wishes. None of this is limited to the kids I birthed.
Jennifer Germain 1 month ago
I am a step parent and have 4 if my own, she has always been adamant that I am not her mother. She is right I am not and she lived full time with her mom. I cannot take that place, ask any kid of divorce and they will tell you the same. No it isn't easy, parenting isn't easy. The step kids will not love you like they do their parents, you will not love them as your own children but you can all love one another regardless.
Opala Ernst 3 months ago
He shouldn't be snooping through her phone. She should insist on marriage counseling.
Karen Bird 3 months ago
I love my daughter in law like she's my own and I didn't meet her until she was an adult. By saying she can't love them like her own children, it reads as if the step children are always going to be playing second best! You should enter into a marriage with somebody who has children with an open heart. Allow love in and let love out. She seems to want a medal for occasionally putting them first! He shouldn't have snooped but she should have told him that she was incapable of loving a child who isn't biologically hers!
gilliansl aka Gillian Silverlight 3 months ago
My late husband had three kids from his first marriage. I tried really hard to be a FRIEND to them. Taught two of them to drive, the son called me when he got his GF pregnant (on purpose. He wanted out of his mother's house.) asking for advice. (They are still together 20+ years later.) But it was a very uphill battle with their mother running me down to them and not really allowing me to be friends with them. So, for some years now, they have hated me. This became abundantly apparent when my husband died last year. But prowling through your phone... He has a BIG trust issue with you. He likely brought that baggage with him.
ThisIsMe 3 months ago
Sounds like he has specific expectations of how OP should feel, doesn't know how to cope when she doesn't even though OP is treating them well. You can't make another person love you, the same way you cannot make another person love someone else. Sounds like a good issue for couple's therapy.
Christopher Crockett 3 months ago
(sing this to Lego Movie "Everything is Awesome") Everyone's an @sshole! He went through your phone so you're on the attack, Everyone's an @sshole! You wrote some stupid things and you can't take them back Everyone's an @sshole! You both fvcked up big but you can't take the blame, Everyone's an @sshole! You really hurt your kids and ain't that the biggest shame? Seriously, talk it the fvck out instead of pissing and moaning to strangers online. Because no one's gonna win if this gets out of control. Fvck your feelings and fvck being right. One of you needs to evaluate how they really feel about the children in the relationship, while the other needs to respect certain privacy boundaries. Or just break up and screw everyone's day.
Schmebulock 3 months ago
There are so many problems with this relationship and what they are doing. Both the OP and the dad are AH and sound like horrible people.
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