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Someone Asks People To Share The Best Comebacks They’ve Heard, They Deliver 40 That Burned The Most
Do you know what sounds better than a really savage insult? A fatal comeback. One that completely shuts down your opponent, ending your exchange right then and there, and leaving no room for interpretation about who the winner is.
Interested in one-liners that can achieve all of this, Reddit user u/random-joe-shmoe submitted a question to the platform, asking: "What is the greatest comeback to an insult you've ever heard?" and people delivered.
Turns out, some of us actually have the superpower to come up with a brilliant response on the spot and not the shower three days later. Continue scrolling and check out some of the best replies to the post!
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#1
“There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair,” - Alexander Hamilton to Thomas Jefferson
Hotdogking 3 years ago (edited)
Frickin love this. Come on Bp let me upvote something more than once
RELATED:
#2
Joe Pyne interviewing Frank Zappa
Joe: "I guess your long hair makes you a woman."
FZ: "I guess your wooden leg makes you a table."
#3
Woman I work with, but don’t like, was in a MOOD one morning. Male colleague comes in, after putting up with her for a bit, looks at her and says, ‘Are you on your period or something?’. She turns around and stony-eyed says, ‘I woke up in a pool of blood and if you don’t shut up, you’ll end your day the exact same way.’ Never respected her until then.
#4
A french manager and a Karen were arguing.
Karen: customers are kings.
Manager: you're in France, here we decapitate kings.
#5
During WW1, Switzerland had a tiny standing army, but they were very skilled marksmen. Wilhelm II of Germany asked what 250k Swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k German troops.
The Swiss said, "Shoot twice and go home."
#6
Winston Churchill, of course.
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.
#7
Context: John Oliver from HBO interviews Stephen Hawking (may he rest in peace)
JO: And there may be a universe where I am more intelligent than you?
SH: There may even be a universe where you are funny.
#8
David Letterman: I'm not as dumb as I look.
Tina Fey: How could you be?
#9
A guy makes fun of his bald friend by rubbing his head and saying, "Wow, your head is as smooth as my wife's bottom." The friend also rubs his head and says, "Wow - you're right."
#10
A friend in highschool on our way to a track meet. He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice. When this dbag saw him.
Dbag: “why bothering looking at that when you know you’ll never be able to get one?”
My friend: “the same reason you watch adult movies”
The entire bus erupted and it’s still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.
#11
in middle school a boy asked when I was going to grow some boobs. So I asked him when he was donating his......
I'm still really proud of that one.
#12
English class in Middle School
Kid A - "yo, Kid B, your mama waited on me at McDonalds last night. Must feel like s**t having a mom that works at McDonalds"
Kid B- " at least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work"
English teacher far louder than he realized "DAYUM!"
The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on...
lil_gremlin 3 years ago
Idk why people rag on fast-food workers-they have to deal with a lot of sh*t, and it's an honorable job.
#13
My mom was a librarian and pulled this one on a rude patron.
"Are you getting smart with me?"
"Would you be able to tell?"
#14
Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”
#15
Ghandi after a Reporter asked him a question.
Reporter: What do you think of Western Civilisation
Ghandi: I think it would be a good idea
#16
18th Century British radical politician John Wilkes was told in parliament by a political opponent "Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox".
Wilkes shot back with "That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress."
#17
It's gotta be the Aliens locker room scene for me.
Hudson: "Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?"
Vasquez: "No, have you?"
#18
Saw a clip of a standup comedian the other day, and he says something along the lines of "the first time I had sex it was terrible... the first time I had sex..." and a woman chimes in with "you mean yesterday? " crowd laughs for a while, and while the comedian is waiting for them to calm down you can see the gears turn in his head, once it gets down to basically a few chuckles, he just says "Glad you remember " and the crowd just lost their [marbles], it was amazing
René Studer 3 years ago
Why would you insult a comedian? It’s like picking a fight with Bruce Lee.
#19
Air Traffic Control doing a poor job of vectoring an Airbus A330 in for landing. Pilot: "You've left us too high, I don't think we can make the approach." ATC: "You've got speedbrakes on that thing, don't you?" Pilot: (After a noticeable pause) "Yes, but those are for my mistakes, not yours."
#20
When my younger brother was about 5 he would hold up a picture of an ape and say "Hey, look in this mirror", to which my older brother replied "That's a picture of an ape but I see why you thought it was a mirror."
Lauren Caswell 3 years ago
Why are you holding a picture of yourself is also an acceptable response ^-^ Full marks!
#21
In high school me and my boyfriend (we were gay) were walking together and some dumbass came up and said "Why are you guys always together? What're you, gay?" So my man said "Why, are you interested?"
#22
My grandma asked my cousin, who'd had lots of partners and 2 kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married.
Cousin: It's not the same nowadays. We don't buy cars without test driving them first.
Grandma: Yeah. But they don't let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either.
Point goes to Granny.
kjorn 3 years ago
kinda sad these day. i don't care if a girl sleeping around, guys do it too. if you want to have fun have it! go for it. but the thing i find sad it's people get together and at the first thing of disagreement they split. like they only want to have the good thing. you can't always have happy time with someone. you'll always have a rough road sometime.
#23
"If you weren't so stupid what would you be?" Asks the husband. The wife replies, without even skipping a beat. "Single"
#24
One of my co-workers was cold-calling customers, trying to get appointments to drum up business. One of them told him to, "go f*** his hand," and he responded with "I've got that penciled in for 3. I should be done by 4 if you'd like to come in for an appointment then?" The guy laughed his butt off, and ended up coming in for the appointment.
#25
I have a twin brother. I’m older.
He once told me when I came out, they knew it was a mistake and immediately tried again.
I told him he was the “buy one get one of equal or lesser value free”.
There was a fight after that one
#26
Is it cheating to use one of my own?
I work in construction and a lot of the guys are exactly what you would expect from construction workers. There was one particularly loud one on this job. He would always go on about drinking and how much he drinks and the ensuing consequences. He went so far as to say he's never sold a car; he wrecks them, usually while drunk driving.
I just recently purchased a house and another guy was asking me about it. The loud guy heard this and said, "What the f**k? I'm a journeyman and all I can afford is a basement suite in Langford (which is far away and considered sub optional). You're just an apprentice, how can you afford a house?"
And I just said, "I don't have any drinking stories."
#27
Marylin monroe once had someone tell her "the only reason you look so beautiful is your expensive clothes." The next day she went and did a photoshoot in nothing but a potato sack. I plan on getting that as a tattoo.
Amanita Virosa 3 years ago
I found it and she looks beautiful. https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/movies/movie-news/marilyn-monroe-potato-sack-1234947617/
#28
Between to ferns with Obama.
Zach: "It must kinda stink that you can’t run three times."
Obama: "No, actually i think it’s a good idea. If I ran a third time would be kinda like doing a third hangover movie. Didn’t really work out very well, didn’t it"
#29
The classic: "You're adopted" "At least my parents chose to have me"
#30
In class someone used the f slur on someone and he replied with "I'm probably as straight as the pole your mom dances on"
#31
This happened about 5 years ago now. There was this one annoying kid in my math class in high school. Being loud, ignoring the teacher. He was mixed race, only bringing this up because it’s related. He’s talking rather loudly with a guy next to him. Teacher tells him “shut the hell up.” Kid makes a point that he’s half black and being mean to him is racist (some stupid s**t like that.) Teacher looks him dead in the eyes and says “I was talking to your white half, stupid.” Hands *down my favorite teacher.
Tobias Rieper 3 years ago
and did the whole class start to clap as well sounds like a load of BS to me if a teacher talked like that to a student they would be fired faster than a bullet
#32
Timur the emperor of the Timurid Empire sent a chest full of horse poop to the Ottoman sultan Bayezid and the sultan sent back a chest full of sweets and delights with a note that said " Everybody gifts what they eat."
#33
Probably not the best of all time but here goes, at work one night my crew was cleaning up trash out of the middle of the interstate inside of a lane closure. We get up to where another crew is working on machines, and these guys are assholes. They seriously act like they are Gods gift to construction, so the conversation goes as this.
Me: can y’all move over for a second so we can get by?
Douche to his guys: c’mon guys let’s get out of this little lady’s way so she can pick up our trash.
Douche to me: y’all are slower than hell, plus look you even missed some.
Me: oh I’m sorry I don’t think I can fit you in this bag, I’ll come back after I open a new one and maybe we can squeeze you in there
#34
A friend of mine was getting b****ed at by these 2 identical twin girls in a class I had once, he replied with a troubling look on his face and said "if you two are identical, how come only 1 of you are hot?" That dude played the long game as those two girls looked rather perplexed for the rest of the session.
#35
My grandparents used to bicker. My grandmother generally came out on top, as she was fierier. One time though, she was asking him to do a bunch of stuff, and he muttered
"If you'd lose some weight, you could do it yourself."
She fixed her gaze on him, and glowered "I'm thinking of getting rid of about 200 lbs of useless fat immediately..."
He replied "You're going to cut off your foot?"
#36
Not heard, but read. Easily the Spartans reply to Philip II of Macedon:
"As Philip II of Macedon was conquering Greek city-states left and right, Sparta was left alone. Philip had achieved a crushing victory, and Sparta was relatively weak and without walls. Philip sent a message to the Spartans saying “If I invade Lakonia you will be destroyed, never to rise again.” The Spartans replied with one word, “If.”
René Studer 3 years ago
Gotta love the spartan comebacks. Didn’t Philip try again years later? He asked: „Should I come as friend or foe?“ the spartans replied with, „neither“.
#37
Quiet guy in my art class got called queer bait.
He replied with “If I’m the bait then you’re the catch of the day”
Yvonne Dauwalder Balsiger 3 years ago
Sounds more like a compliment and the beginning of something to me... Did they at least go on a date afterwards?
#38
Back in high school, I was in the orchestra. We went on several big national trips each year.
One year, a group of upper classmen were busted for pot in their hotel room. Everyone except one guy was suspended and prohibited to attend future trips.
The one guy who wasnt in trouble apparently hid in the shower and played dumb, and they believed him.
So a week later the entire orchestra is practicing with the teaching assistant when our conductor enters the practice room, and in front of the entire 114 members of the orchestra, says "Jason, all your friends ratted you out. They're mad. I'm mad. You played me like a fiddle."
"That's what I play," Jason replied, raising his violin.
California Jones 3 years ago
Perfect! He should avoid punishment, just for being able to avoid punishment. Also, some friends they are.
#39
Me: We should learn from our mistakes!
My friend: So that's why you have a younger sister?
#40
An arab poet met a guy on the streets, trying to belittle the poet the guy said "i saw you from afar i thought you were a woman" the poet responded "i saw you from afar and thought you were a man"
What do you think ?
Daria B 3 years ago
Here's one I learnt from a video about Medieval female royal jesters. I don't remember exactly now, so the details might be a bit off, but here we go. In a theatre (I think), a jester lady set next to a noble lady. The noble lady said "I don't want a fool to be sitting on my right". The Jester then switched seats to the lady's left and said "I don't mind."
Tonya Wallace 3 years ago (edited)
The Wizard of Oz had played on tv the previous night, so the next day, while in class my teacher said to me, a little Black girl, "Didn't I see your family on tv last night? The flying monkeys?" I shot back, "Probably. We did used work for your mother." I knew I'd get away with it, because he'd have to tell what he said to me first. I despised that man.
Liam Walsh 3 years ago
Good for you for not just taking it. That was absolutely bloody disgusting - I am so very sorry you had a teacher who felt they could say something that repugnant.
Load More Replies...
jk nbt 3 years ago
Hey Panda, you forgot to mention the famous insult Winston Churchill gave British politician Bessie Braddock when she encountered an intoxicated Churchill, and she expressed her displeasure by saying: “Sir Winston, you are drunk.” His answer: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning, and you will still be ugly.”
Daria B 3 years ago
Here's one I learnt from a video about Medieval female royal jesters. I don't remember exactly now, so the details might be a bit off, but here we go. In a theatre (I think), a jester lady set next to a noble lady. The noble lady said "I don't want a fool to be sitting on my right". The Jester then switched seats to the lady's left and said "I don't mind."
Tonya Wallace 3 years ago (edited)
The Wizard of Oz had played on tv the previous night, so the next day, while in class my teacher said to me, a little Black girl, "Didn't I see your family on tv last night? The flying monkeys?" I shot back, "Probably. We did used work for your mother." I knew I'd get away with it, because he'd have to tell what he said to me first. I despised that man.
Liam Walsh 3 years ago
Good for you for not just taking it. That was absolutely bloody disgusting - I am so very sorry you had a teacher who felt they could say something that repugnant.
Load More Replies... jk nbt 3 years ago
Hey Panda, you forgot to mention the famous insult Winston Churchill gave British politician Bessie Braddock when she encountered an intoxicated Churchill, and she expressed her displeasure by saying: “Sir Winston, you are drunk.” His answer: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning, and you will still be ugly.”
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