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Trust. Respect. Communication. These are but a few things that form the foundations of a solid, long-lasting relationship. The quickest way to destroy what you and your partner have built up is to distrust them, disrespect them, and refuse to tackle any issues that you might have. And it can take an outsider’s perspective to help you realize that you’re stuck in a dead-end relationship that’s making your life hell.
Redditor u/icyqueen999 turned to the r/AskReddit community and asked them about the most obvious signs that someone’s relationship is toxic, and they shared their honest opinions. We’ve collected some of their most insightful comments to share with you. Scroll down to see what they had to say.
Bored Panda reached out to the author of the thread, u/icyqueen999, and they revealed to us what had inspired them to start the serious thread in the first place. You'll find our interview with them below.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Holding something over the other person. Example: my friends boyfriend has to "reconsider the relationship, and if he wants to marry her" every time she does something wrong. She messed up a sauce for dinner once and he said this and "contemplated" for 3 days because "how can i marry someone who doesnt listen to my instructions"
Redditor u/icyqueen999 was very open with Bored Panda about the reasons why they decided to start up the thread in the first place.
"Firstly, I was inspired because I was going through a toxic relationship," they told us.
"I think my thread resonated with many people because they've all encountered such experiences in their lives," the OP said, adding that the topic must have "touched a part of them" that made them instinctively want to share their own experiences.
RELATED:
#2
Based on personal experience... when you have to walk on eggshells because you're worried about how how they might react
#3
One person does all of the housework/cooking/chores/shopping/maintenance/childcare, yet the other person continues to complain that they don't do it right.
According to redditor u/icyqueen999, the strongest relationships are built on foundations that include trust, respect, and good communication. Those are the things that partners should value the most.
"Couples should be able to voice out their problems and find ways to get it fixed whether going to seek therapy or help from family or friends whom they can trust," the redditor shared.
"I believe my post helped a lot of people find meaning and ways to overcome such negativity in their relationships."
Moreover, the redditor noted that they "got lots of help" and feedback from all the other internet users. Some of the advice was very useful and genuinely helped them out in real-life.
#4
I had an abusive girlfriend many years ago. She was bipolar and it caused a lot of problems. I remember the day I realized that things were f****d. I was driving out of the work parking lot, and my phone rang. My reaction when I saw my girlfriend was calling was "aw, f**k, what am I about to get screamed at about now?" And sure enough, I answer the phone and she's immediately screaming at me about some stupid s**t I don't even remember.
Point is, if contact from your significant other stresses you out because you're expecting to get yelled at, that's a f*****g toxic relationship.
Michelle C 1 year ago
The key difference here is whether the person who has a mental illness or several mental illnesses is willing to seek treatment and hold himself or herself accountable to doing so. Clearly, this young lady was unwilling to do so and take accountability for her mistakes and sins. It’s no wonder that the relationship fell apart, sadly.
#5
Someone who does not let you have a life outside of the relationship and gets upset when you see friends or do hobbies you like, even if you make time for them.
Michelle C 1 year ago
Yup. If a family member, friend, or romantic partner attempts to isolate you from other people in your life so that you spend more time with them than you would otherwise, run!! This is also true if the person isolating you gets to do whatever they want, regardless of whom they harm.
#6
If his wedding vows include the phrase “keep my belly full and my balls empty”.
Edit:
Here’s the article and video(s)
https://www.intheknow.com/post/grooms-disgusting-wedding-vows-red-flags/?amp
Littlemiss 1 year ago (edited)
Cut his balls off shove them down his throat and walk away. Both perquisites sorted.
According to licensed clinical psychologist Holly Schiff, if you notice a red flag in your relationship, it’s essential that you communicate with your partner. Moreover, you could also speak to your family and friends to get their perspectives on the situation.
“I think it's just important to not be with yourself in your own head about this," Schiff told Today that an outsider’s perspective can help you get to grips with the current state of your relationship and whether you should try to figure it out or consider ending things.
Today explains that some of the relationship red flags to be wary of include inconsistent behavior, verbal abuse, mismatched relationship goals, and excessive jealousy. Something else to keep an eye out for is a history of infidelity, a lack of effort to get to know the people you care the most about in your life, and the relationship moving way too fast. Controlling behavior, gaslighting, and being secretive are also indications that you might be in a toxic relationship.
“If they’re doing things that make you feel insecure, that’s usually a red flag,” Jennifer Klesman, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist in Chicago, told Today that a partner twisting the truth is nothing like healthy conflict.
#7
When they say we need to work on our communication, but every time you bring anything up they get mad and start an argument.
#8
Well my best friend died on my wedding day & my ex got annoyed and told me to stop crying. From a retrospect, that was kind of a red flag.
#9
From personal experience:
- your partner is much nicer to you when you have a disagreement in front of friends than when you have one at home - meaning that they *know* the way they actually handle it would not be publicly acceptable
- they invalidate your emotional experience and make you feel like what you're going through doesn't matter or "make any sense"
- when they leave the house you feel better; if they go away for a week you feel irritable when they're back
- they never make you feel like a priority, you're always second or third to their friends, their parents, their hobbies
There is no alternative to transparency in romantic relationships. Either you’re open and honest with your partner about the most important things in your life or you’re not. However, there is a bit of a difference between secrecy and privacy. Secrecy is what you want to avoid. Meanwhile, the desire for privacy is something that’s completely natural and everyone should respect.
Broadly speaking, if some piece of information affects your partner, then you should absolutely share it with them. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see whether you yourself would like to know about what you’re hiding. However, if the info doesn’t really impact them, feel free to keep it to yourself if you’d like.
#10
No communication and everything is a blame game with no acceptance of responsibility
#11
Love is like a fart…if you have to force it, it’s probably s**t.
#12
Gaslighting. Or the idea that whatever you say can make them mad, so you start choosing every word way too carefully / end up not speaking your mind to avoid a fight
Say if you’re working on the Next Great American Novel, you might want to keep it a secret before you’ve put in the time and effort to get the first draft finished. On the flip side, you might feel that you need your partner’s support and decide to tell them how you’re struggling with the dialogues in Chapter 2.
But if, for example, your health is suffering and you’re having to run tests at the hospital, this is definitely something that your loved one should know because it massively impacts them. Similarly, you shouldn’t hide something as important as losing your job or that you’re constantly irritated that your partner doesn’t pull their own weight around the house when it comes to basic chores. You might feel embarrassed or uncomfortable, but it’s always best to discuss these issues aloud instead of hiding them away or letting them fester.
#13
We had a friend who would not speak until after her boyfriend spoke. One night she was over for dinner without him and mentioned how her boyfriend was passionate and sometimes put his fist through their walls. After that comment she came to help me do dishes and I was like, “uh, that’s not normal. You ok? Last time I punched a wall I was a 14 year old boy…” she eventually left him but the fact that she always demurred to him, to me, is a red flag.
#14
If you have to wait until your S/O is in a "good mood" to bring up a problem you have in the relationship (get out asap)
#15
If you find yourself feeling alone in the relationship.
Ashen Mccann (They/Them) 1 year ago
now, obviously, some people have some mental stuff that makes them think their alone, bpd, sometimes they just grew up independent and they think they are or something else and other stuff, but i also get what you mean.
#16
Break up, make up, break up, make up, rinse, and repeat.
#17
Being yelled at/attacked for reacting to their abusive behavior.
Loverboy 1 year ago (edited)
I remember my dad once saying: "You think that's abusive? I'll show you abusive." because I got tired of something he was doing. He just got really pissed and was yelling at me for a few hours, but it made no sense. Yes, show me how you're not abusive by being abusive.
#18
Constantly being accused of cheating. I would bring up a guy friend or a coworker and all of a sudden he'd think I'm f*****g them.
#19
Your feelings are being invalidated, "You got mad at that?" when you say you're upset by something that they did.
#20
Lack of friends on one side. I've known a couple people, who one of them wouldn't be "allowed" to have friends. Their only friends were the friends of their partner. Massive red flag.
Michelle C 1 year ago
Again, if a loved one is isolating you from other people actively, run!!
#21
"They won't let me" *LET* you??
ETA I am NOT referring to times when one is using the other to get out of something. Nor am I referring to completely reasonable "lets" like owning a pet that can't be sustained or an obnoxious behavior being prohibited at designated times. I'm referring to "won't let me talk to so and so" "won't let me wear xyz" "won't let me see family" "won't let me go out" that kind of let not a completely reasonable let.
The what abouts in the comments are, honestly, frustrating me. The prompt is about toxic relationships. My "let" is referring to toxic relationships. So the comments being like "what about this totally healthy context" is just...grrr Please use your best judgment. That's all I ask.
Genericist 1 year ago
Absolutely agree if this is what's going on, but I've also encountered a few situations over the years where it turns out that is just an excuse because the person doesn't want to do the thing and it's an easy way of getting out of it, or their partner has expressed a preference and they've framed it as "won't let me". I've been concerned a relationship is abusive and it's turned out there was no "let", it was just people unfairly shifting the blame because it was easy. Don't do this, folks. It's not fair on your partner and creates a false impression, where friends worry and think your partner is an a*****e.
#22
If someone refuses to apologize for any reason, ever. It means they put their pride before the person they are with and the relationship.
#23
My 57 year old colleague constantly has to send videos and pics of him working to his wife
Rahul Pawa 1 year ago (edited)
This sounds very specific, and while it is unreasonable, there could be justification for her mistrust. Edit: changed a word in previous sentence for clarity.
#24
One partner always gets their way.
For me, it was "easier" to bend over backward than to deal with the whining and complaining if I stood my ground. Easier is in quotes because it was only easier in the short term - long term made life hell.
#25
My ex once pulled out a diary that she wanted to show me to "be open about her thoughts" and "lay them all on the table"
It was legit a full list of all the things she hated about me, written in the most deep and depressing way. About my career, lack of motivation, lack of communication, and how she doesn't find me unattractive. Her depression, that was my fault. It was the most deeply hurtful words written in a paragraph, conscribed in a such a way that would not paint her as a bad person for saying + tears.
I get I was going through a bad patch back then (as many were after covid). But f*****g hell, looking back nobody should ever treat someone like that. End of the day, I was a 23 year old with flaws, and was still managing to hold our relationship together, we were okay.
3 months after we break up, I get offered a promotion within my company, 5 months after that I get offered another huge promotion. I went from £12k -> £25k -> £30k -> ~£55k all within the last 18 months. I haven't changed one bit either. Still 25 yrs.
Would never usually flex, but I'm proud and the proof is in the paycheck. I'm moving home, going skiing, spending time with mates, my life is good. Turns out those words were a load of s**t.
Rahul Pawa 1 year ago
She wasn't sharing her feelings, she was taking your inventory. There's a huge difference.
#26
Lack of trust and constant fights.
#27
Lies.
Deceit is the root of all evil.
Deception. Hiding things.
Finding out your partner was convicted of crimes and lied about it, or cheated in a horrific way and lied about it, lived a double life, etc.
It causes a breakup in 100% of relationships involving untruths.
Learning you've been conned or lied to for years - it's not salvageable.
#28
being asked not to "like" or "comment" on any of their facebook posts because their SO will flip out if they notice someone of the opposite sex is in their friend list
#29
Contemplating having kids in an effort to save or make it stronger
#30
Driving home from work you take a detour so the drive lasts longer.
Edit. I see a lot of comments about this kind of relationship with an ex. I’m glad some of you are out. For the rest of you in this cycle, don’t know what to tell you, but major hugs.
What do you think ?
Katie Lutesinger 1 year ago
You can't quite put your finger on something specific they've said or done, but being around them always leaves you feeling tired, anxious and bad about yourself.
similarly 1 year ago
I used to know this older couple (in their sixties, and this was quite a while ago, maybe 25-30 years ago). The wife would constantly complain not only to friends and family but even acquaintances about how her lazy husband was (who worked 12+ hours/day, btw) and never did anything around the house. Yet, whenever he would try to do any housework, like laundry, dishes, cleaning, she would stand behind him, criticizing him and mocking him ruthlessly ("Who taught you how to do that?" "You missed a spot!" "That's horrible!" "You're so slow, you'll be there all night!") before finally pushing him out of the way and saying "Here, let me do it!" And the poor guy would go shuffling off with his head down apologizing, while she laughed about it and continued on about how worthless and incompetent he was at home ... despite the fact he was a professional with a six-figure salary. I never felt more sorry for a guy than that guy.
Gwyn 1 year ago
Sounds like she had a huge need to feel superior to him and he probably worked 12 hours a day so he wouldn't have to be around her.
Load More Replies...
Rapunzel With The Loced Hair 1 year ago
I have a couple of friends who are dating and I made it clear to one of them (solicited opinion btw) before they started dating that I didn't think they were quite suited for each other because of certain toxic traits I noticed in both that would make it hard to be in a healthy relationship. They started dating and it's been a battle since the end of the first month, she is prideful, narcissistic, never wrong, extremely temperamental, very very high maintenance, childish and a gaslighter and he is controlling, childish, and careless with his words when drunk. They have broken up 3 times in 5 months and keep getting back, the guy asked for my opinion again, and I repeated what I told him before they started dating. After their most recent row, he recommended couple's counseling and they will try it. I have no hope for a forever relationship for them though. It will most likely end in tears.
Andy Frobig 1 year ago
I've spent a lot more time alone than with a SO, and I wish more people would realize that being with someone, no matter who or how bad it is, is not always better than being alone. Most of us have some neurosis or disorder that might attract people who aren't good for us, but nobody's forcing you to be with those people
Ashen Mccann (They/Them) 1 year ago
I know its like a thing in shows, but when someone says "you do that, you get no s*x for 2 weeks" or something, it just makes me think about people needing s*x in a relationship and i its a punishment to not have it, yall should get more close emotionally.
grotesqueer 1 year ago
It's awful anyway, bc it sounds like the one restricting sex doesn't usually even want any but agrees to it regardless. Because otherwise they'd be punishing themselves too by the restriction.
Load More Replies...
El is so weird (s)t(he)y 1 year ago (edited)
When there crying about you hanging out with friends and instead of “oh I have to help so and so” or “let me go comfort so and so” it’s “ugh I have to deal with so and so again” bc there toxic and manipulative and you’re there only friend and you don’t even know why and they do this 10 times a day to guilt trip you for having other friends
DC 1 year ago (edited)
Oh my ... I consider myself, currently at least, unfit for a relationship. I could not offer what I assume she'd rightfully expect, and maybe expect more than I can offer myself. Not on purpose, not because I'd think I deserve being given more than I could give, just because there are things I can't. And that makes me think, deceiving someone into a relationship would be a real dikk move, so I won't. But ... the things listed here are a lot worse than what I'd expect out of me, or what I'd think anyone could be expected to endure without any clue about how long. I don't know either ... so ... I never had to offer less friendship to any friend at all, often quite the opposite. I could live with a friend, and we could engage in adult fun, and still I'd refuse to feel as a couple, call ourselves that, or even make plans ahead of that like marriage. Let alone kids - not even a thought ... I had and still have my share of the older generation to support ... I'm not unhappy doing so, but once that is over, I wanna live for myself and my cat and nobody else. Also ... as I feel unfit for a relationship, I also don't want one. How come that people aren't able to ... do that, too? I'm not perfect. I'm pretty fukked up in some ways, pretty decent in others, but is it just that I am able to cook and do household stuff that seperates me from the spouses from hell, who can't do that and just need some kind of maternal caretaker to pamper them? Man, it's not that hard. And if it is hard and stays so, a little handiwork my offer sufficient relief. Not paramount pleasure, but enough to rid you of any horniety, sure is. And, instead of dating women expecting to be a partner, while in reality conducting a casting for your personal pamperer - can't you just learn how to cook or operate a vacuum cleaner? It's not that hard ... boiling some potatoes and frying a handful of vegs, all done from fresh raw ingredients, is more of a decent meal than any instant-premade-expensive excuse of a meal anyway, and also, it does not harm your balls. Mine are still there, they didn't change the least when I learned how to cook. People fearing that should just arrive in the 20th century, or - even better - in the current one. Or ... something.
Paul Mitchell 1 year ago
Realising that you are getting nothing from the relationship at all...
Gwyn 1 year ago (edited)
I have an ex friend whose boyfriend at the time berated her for having an opinion different than his because it meant she didn't respect him. He was religious and used that to say the man should be the authority. I warned her about him but sadly she married him. I still think about her and everything she gave up. He refused to let her do any of the things she dreamed of doing.
DC 1 year ago
... I never understood those people. Whatever you wouldn't accept from a non-sexual friend, why would you from a spouse? I sure wouldn't ... but I wouldn't ask any of that. If I ever ended up with an obedient girlfriend, I'd break up and reevaluate like everything, because that's not how I think this should work, it should generally be a connection of equals to begin with. That not the case, that not to happen. Is that so ... unreasonable? Are people desperate enough to give up THEMSELVES in order to gather a boyfriend or girlfriend, or even marry them, who doesn't deserve any of it, and won't even give in when there is every reason to do so, but expect that the other one always gives in? Any relationship in which one is above the other, should and hopefully will fail, the earlier the better...
Load More Replies...
Agnes Jekyll 1 year ago
From someone on BP: DARVO= Deny, Attack, Reverse-Order Victimhood= Toxic
Jason Doakes 1 year ago (edited)
LOL (in a bad way...), does anyone have a fullfilling and satisfying relationship? Maybe that's the issue, we shouldn't be in relationships, at least not the kind of relationship we "know".
Katie Lutesinger 1 year ago
You can't quite put your finger on something specific they've said or done, but being around them always leaves you feeling tired, anxious and bad about yourself.
similarly 1 year ago
I used to know this older couple (in their sixties, and this was quite a while ago, maybe 25-30 years ago). The wife would constantly complain not only to friends and family but even acquaintances about how her lazy husband was (who worked 12+ hours/day, btw) and never did anything around the house. Yet, whenever he would try to do any housework, like laundry, dishes, cleaning, she would stand behind him, criticizing him and mocking him ruthlessly ("Who taught you how to do that?" "You missed a spot!" "That's horrible!" "You're so slow, you'll be there all night!") before finally pushing him out of the way and saying "Here, let me do it!" And the poor guy would go shuffling off with his head down apologizing, while she laughed about it and continued on about how worthless and incompetent he was at home ... despite the fact he was a professional with a six-figure salary. I never felt more sorry for a guy than that guy.
Gwyn 1 year ago
Sounds like she had a huge need to feel superior to him and he probably worked 12 hours a day so he wouldn't have to be around her.
Load More Replies... Rapunzel With The Loced Hair 1 year ago
I have a couple of friends who are dating and I made it clear to one of them (solicited opinion btw) before they started dating that I didn't think they were quite suited for each other because of certain toxic traits I noticed in both that would make it hard to be in a healthy relationship. They started dating and it's been a battle since the end of the first month, she is prideful, narcissistic, never wrong, extremely temperamental, very very high maintenance, childish and a gaslighter and he is controlling, childish, and careless with his words when drunk. They have broken up 3 times in 5 months and keep getting back, the guy asked for my opinion again, and I repeated what I told him before they started dating. After their most recent row, he recommended couple's counseling and they will try it. I have no hope for a forever relationship for them though. It will most likely end in tears.
Andy Frobig 1 year ago
I've spent a lot more time alone than with a SO, and I wish more people would realize that being with someone, no matter who or how bad it is, is not always better than being alone. Most of us have some neurosis or disorder that might attract people who aren't good for us, but nobody's forcing you to be with those people
Ashen Mccann (They/Them) 1 year ago
I know its like a thing in shows, but when someone says "you do that, you get no s*x for 2 weeks" or something, it just makes me think about people needing s*x in a relationship and i its a punishment to not have it, yall should get more close emotionally.
grotesqueer 1 year ago
It's awful anyway, bc it sounds like the one restricting sex doesn't usually even want any but agrees to it regardless. Because otherwise they'd be punishing themselves too by the restriction.
Load More Replies... El is so weird (s)t(he)y 1 year ago (edited)
When there crying about you hanging out with friends and instead of “oh I have to help so and so” or “let me go comfort so and so” it’s “ugh I have to deal with so and so again” bc there toxic and manipulative and you’re there only friend and you don’t even know why and they do this 10 times a day to guilt trip you for having other friends
DC 1 year ago (edited)
Oh my ... I consider myself, currently at least, unfit for a relationship. I could not offer what I assume she'd rightfully expect, and maybe expect more than I can offer myself. Not on purpose, not because I'd think I deserve being given more than I could give, just because there are things I can't. And that makes me think, deceiving someone into a relationship would be a real dikk move, so I won't. But ... the things listed here are a lot worse than what I'd expect out of me, or what I'd think anyone could be expected to endure without any clue about how long. I don't know either ... so ... I never had to offer less friendship to any friend at all, often quite the opposite. I could live with a friend, and we could engage in adult fun, and still I'd refuse to feel as a couple, call ourselves that, or even make plans ahead of that like marriage. Let alone kids - not even a thought ... I had and still have my share of the older generation to support ... I'm not unhappy doing so, but once that is over, I wanna live for myself and my cat and nobody else. Also ... as I feel unfit for a relationship, I also don't want one. How come that people aren't able to ... do that, too? I'm not perfect. I'm pretty fukked up in some ways, pretty decent in others, but is it just that I am able to cook and do household stuff that seperates me from the spouses from hell, who can't do that and just need some kind of maternal caretaker to pamper them? Man, it's not that hard. And if it is hard and stays so, a little handiwork my offer sufficient relief. Not paramount pleasure, but enough to rid you of any horniety, sure is. And, instead of dating women expecting to be a partner, while in reality conducting a casting for your personal pamperer - can't you just learn how to cook or operate a vacuum cleaner? It's not that hard ... boiling some potatoes and frying a handful of vegs, all done from fresh raw ingredients, is more of a decent meal than any instant-premade-expensive excuse of a meal anyway, and also, it does not harm your balls. Mine are still there, they didn't change the least when I learned how to cook. People fearing that should just arrive in the 20th century, or - even better - in the current one. Or ... something.
Paul Mitchell 1 year ago
Realising that you are getting nothing from the relationship at all...
Gwyn 1 year ago (edited)
I have an ex friend whose boyfriend at the time berated her for having an opinion different than his because it meant she didn't respect him. He was religious and used that to say the man should be the authority. I warned her about him but sadly she married him. I still think about her and everything she gave up. He refused to let her do any of the things she dreamed of doing.
DC 1 year ago
... I never understood those people. Whatever you wouldn't accept from a non-sexual friend, why would you from a spouse? I sure wouldn't ... but I wouldn't ask any of that. If I ever ended up with an obedient girlfriend, I'd break up and reevaluate like everything, because that's not how I think this should work, it should generally be a connection of equals to begin with. That not the case, that not to happen. Is that so ... unreasonable? Are people desperate enough to give up THEMSELVES in order to gather a boyfriend or girlfriend, or even marry them, who doesn't deserve any of it, and won't even give in when there is every reason to do so, but expect that the other one always gives in? Any relationship in which one is above the other, should and hopefully will fail, the earlier the better...
Load More Replies... Agnes Jekyll 1 year ago
From someone on BP: DARVO= Deny, Attack, Reverse-Order Victimhood= Toxic
Jason Doakes 1 year ago (edited)
LOL (in a bad way...), does anyone have a fullfilling and satisfying relationship? Maybe that's the issue, we shouldn't be in relationships, at least not the kind of relationship we "know".
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