GF Insists Lady Sell Her Family Heirlooms ASAP As They Are Immoral To Keep, But She’s Hesitant
Interview With ExpertSome of the things we own may not be expensive or showy, but there’s a reason we hold them so near to our hearts. Family heirlooms especially tend to be cherished and kept safely because they hold stories from the generations that have passed.
That’s exactly what this woman felt when she inherited her grandma’s possessions. The problem is that her girlfriend wanted all the heirlooms destroyed because of how controversial they are, which obviously put a big dent in their relationship.
More info: Reddit
When someone passes away, it’s normal for their loved ones to want to hold onto the things they owned as a way to reminisce
Image credits: Kateryna_Mostova / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster’s 90-year-old grandma passed away, leaving behind many valued possessions made from animal skin, fur, and tusks, including some taxidermy pieces
Image credits: Thegiansepillo / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Although the poster is fine with keeping the decades-old heirlooms, her vegetarian girlfriend, Penny, wants them gone because she is against animal cruelty
Image credits: Sarah O’Shea / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The poster realized she could earn between $5,000-$200,000 based on how many items she sells, but she doesn’t want to do it so soon after her grandma’s passing
Image credits: Tall-Guarantee6349
The couple have not been able to agree on what to do with the heirlooms, and many of the poster’s friends suspect that Penny only wants to get the money from the sale of the items
It’s clear from this situation that the OP does not want to part with her grandmother’s possessions so soon. She is all right with the idea of selling the things but wants to wait for some time since she is still grieving. Her girlfriend, Penny, on the other hand, keeps pressuring her to destroy the items or get rid of them somehow. She doesn’t seem to understand how tough it might be for the OP to do so.
There’s no blueprint for how you’re supposed to act or what you’re supposed to do when a loved one passes away. That’s why Bored Panda reached out to Jo McRogers to better understand how to handle such a complicated situation. Jo is a grief therapist who uses a variety of meditation and tools and also conducts courses to help support people through their grief.
We asked Jo what grievers should do when someone is trying to convince them to part with a deceased family member’s possessions. Jo told us that “often we overlook the emotions behind our decisions. The symbolism of keeping/releasing any given item needs to be understood and then shared with those objecting.”
“Use a respectful problem-solving approach, explore any middle ground that can honor the symbolism. Grief is experienced so differently by the grievers of even the same loss. Rushing someone’s grief by asking this of them can begin a fracturing in the relationship.”
This is exactly the kind of position the OP found herself in, where she probably had to pander to her girlfriend’s feelings rather than grieve the loss of someone she loved. She even researched how much she could sell the items for and stowed the animal heads away because of her partner. On the other hand, her girlfriend did not take the time to understand her emotions.
Image credits: Drazen Zigic / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The argument over the animal heirlooms caused a big rift between the poster and her partner. The OP was worried that her relationship would end over the issue, and sought help from her friends. They told her that Penny probably cares more about earning money from the sale of the items than their sentimental value.
We asked Jo McRogers if there was a timeline for how long people should hold onto precious heirlooms. She said that “the assigned emotional value of items can change over time by the one who received it. If the item still holds a purpose or connection, then it might be helpful to keep it.”
“If the item becomes an obligation, then it might be time to release it. Giving it another chance to be valued/loved in the world is another way to honor the one who has died. It is okay to share your feelings about why you want things gone or not in your home but it needs to be a discussion, sharing, and problem-solving, not just an ask.”
“Too often, grievers feel they need to defend or rationalize their grief,” Jo shared. It’s clear that this is the type of decision that ultimately rests on the shoulders of the griever, and therefore, the OP has the final say in what should be done with the items, no matter what her girlfriend thinks.
Losing someone is extremely difficult, and there is no specific way that a person should behave and act after it happens. The poster is doing her best to cherish her grandma’s memory and treat her possessions with care. It’s truly a shame that her girlfriend does not seem to understand that.
What do you think the OP should say to her girlfriend and do in this type of situation? We’d love to hear your thoughts.
People sided with the poster and told her that her girlfriend was insensitive for insisting she get rid of the items
Poll Question
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Photograph everything, invest in good locks for the rooms they're in, photograph the locks, backup the photos. Consider some security cameras for them. Your instincts are right about simply giving yourself time to grieve and reorientate yourself. I wish you a gentle healing and reconnection to good memories of your grandmother.
I echo this. Safeguard your stuff. If she decides to take matters into her own hands, press charges for destruction of property. That in itself is the break up.
Load More Replies...Penny doesn't get a vote. They are not her possessions. She didn't inherit them. Any money you make selling these things, if that's what you choose to do, is not hers to spend. She has two choices, deal with it and accept that you own these items or leave. That's it.
Exactly. And all of these things are lessons from the past. OP doesn't own the morality/immorality of these things.
Load More Replies...There's a difference between a possibly-temporary girlfriend not liking it and a wife not wanting to have it in her house. She gets an opinion, but don't mess with someone's family heirlooms if you're not married.
So it's unethical to wear valuable and decades old fur coats but it is ethical to sell them for a lot of money so someone else can wear them? This isn't about ethics, it's just a money grab from someone who isn't even the owner of said fur coats. Ditch the girlfriend, keep your heirlooms for now and decide later.
OP said her gf thinks they should go to a museum. But then they should donate them instead of profiting from animal cruelty?
Load More Replies...Ugh, way to live up to the stereotype of the sanctimonious holier-than-thou vegetarian. Tell her to mind her own business.
It's OP's choice and that GF has no say in that. On the other hand, I find animal heads on the wall obscene and would not have to have any in my home.
It's not *Penny's* stuff so I'd put it somewhere she has no access to. Who knows what she'll get in her head to do with OP's stuff? OP should wait about a year to deal with this everything. Enough time to figure out how to keep/sell/disburse items. I got rid some of my late husband's stuff too soon + I regret it. :(
I'm so sorry for your loss. I couldn't touch my late husband's stuff for years and I think that that was the right decision because I was emotionally ready by then to let things go. I have met many widows and widowers since, some of them have gotten rid of all their late spouses things within months, and most of them regretted it later. It's so hard, because grief has no timeline and it's different for everybody. But in this case, I'd agree with the comment to safeguard the items, install cameras, lock things up (just in case girlfriend decides to take things into her own hands) find out who might be interested in purchasing the items, if and when the time comes to sell them, cuz guaranteed, opie's not going to be strolling around in fur coats and mink stoles... At some point he will wish to sell them but, that timeline has to be his decision if he is the sole beneficiary. To everyone out there who's grieving, don't let anyone else rush you. You take your time.
Load More Replies...If it's immoral to keep em isn't it immoral to profit off em? Penny is a clown.
I feel strongly that there is a big difference between cruelty to animals (bad) and making use of animal products like fur and leather and obviously food. I consider myself a hippie but most hippies would say it's horrible to kill animals for leather, but I doubt many are killed just for the leather, I imagine most leather is wasted from food animals. Snakeskin or fur is different, if it was found roadkill, or for example if you killed an attacking lion, then it is respectful to use that skin or fur, I would never kill an animal just for its fur. Reading about a native American philosophy the idea is that you take an animal's life you show respect and gratitude by using every part in every way you can, you make glue from hooves and use the sinew, etc. I am not a vegetarian. Predators eat meat, seems natural to me. When people argue for vegetarian ways, I find myself thinking what about those poor plants you are killing
Hopefully OP is keeping all ownership and financials separate. Anything that does eventually get sold needs to be in her name only. No mingling of money from the inheritance means no complications if relationship ends. Frankly, the way Penny is coming at this definitely shows her to be less than concerned about OP's needs, so re-eval of relationship. might be in order.
As an aside, many First Nations tribes in the US & Canada accept donations of old furs that they can use to teach their young ones about working with animal skins.
Three weeks is far too soon to be making big decisions. If I were this woman, I would wait at least a year. She needs the time to grieve and really process everything that's happened and what ultimately she wants to do with everything. She's young. There's no rush. Most of the time when I've made a snap decision to get rid of something, I regret it. I'm still upset about donating my favorite boots, thinking they had served their purpose.
They could also get a climate controlled storage unit for some of the larger items and taxidermy.
Making money from them and putting them back into circulation on the market is pretty unambiguously the LESS moral choice… don’t do it unless you have to. Keep them, and either use them until they wear out or will them to museums.
Photograph everything, invest in good locks for the rooms they're in, photograph the locks, backup the photos. Consider some security cameras for them. Your instincts are right about simply giving yourself time to grieve and reorientate yourself. I wish you a gentle healing and reconnection to good memories of your grandmother.
I echo this. Safeguard your stuff. If she decides to take matters into her own hands, press charges for destruction of property. That in itself is the break up.
Load More Replies...Penny doesn't get a vote. They are not her possessions. She didn't inherit them. Any money you make selling these things, if that's what you choose to do, is not hers to spend. She has two choices, deal with it and accept that you own these items or leave. That's it.
Exactly. And all of these things are lessons from the past. OP doesn't own the morality/immorality of these things.
Load More Replies...There's a difference between a possibly-temporary girlfriend not liking it and a wife not wanting to have it in her house. She gets an opinion, but don't mess with someone's family heirlooms if you're not married.
So it's unethical to wear valuable and decades old fur coats but it is ethical to sell them for a lot of money so someone else can wear them? This isn't about ethics, it's just a money grab from someone who isn't even the owner of said fur coats. Ditch the girlfriend, keep your heirlooms for now and decide later.
OP said her gf thinks they should go to a museum. But then they should donate them instead of profiting from animal cruelty?
Load More Replies...Ugh, way to live up to the stereotype of the sanctimonious holier-than-thou vegetarian. Tell her to mind her own business.
It's OP's choice and that GF has no say in that. On the other hand, I find animal heads on the wall obscene and would not have to have any in my home.
It's not *Penny's* stuff so I'd put it somewhere she has no access to. Who knows what she'll get in her head to do with OP's stuff? OP should wait about a year to deal with this everything. Enough time to figure out how to keep/sell/disburse items. I got rid some of my late husband's stuff too soon + I regret it. :(
I'm so sorry for your loss. I couldn't touch my late husband's stuff for years and I think that that was the right decision because I was emotionally ready by then to let things go. I have met many widows and widowers since, some of them have gotten rid of all their late spouses things within months, and most of them regretted it later. It's so hard, because grief has no timeline and it's different for everybody. But in this case, I'd agree with the comment to safeguard the items, install cameras, lock things up (just in case girlfriend decides to take things into her own hands) find out who might be interested in purchasing the items, if and when the time comes to sell them, cuz guaranteed, opie's not going to be strolling around in fur coats and mink stoles... At some point he will wish to sell them but, that timeline has to be his decision if he is the sole beneficiary. To everyone out there who's grieving, don't let anyone else rush you. You take your time.
Load More Replies...If it's immoral to keep em isn't it immoral to profit off em? Penny is a clown.
I feel strongly that there is a big difference between cruelty to animals (bad) and making use of animal products like fur and leather and obviously food. I consider myself a hippie but most hippies would say it's horrible to kill animals for leather, but I doubt many are killed just for the leather, I imagine most leather is wasted from food animals. Snakeskin or fur is different, if it was found roadkill, or for example if you killed an attacking lion, then it is respectful to use that skin or fur, I would never kill an animal just for its fur. Reading about a native American philosophy the idea is that you take an animal's life you show respect and gratitude by using every part in every way you can, you make glue from hooves and use the sinew, etc. I am not a vegetarian. Predators eat meat, seems natural to me. When people argue for vegetarian ways, I find myself thinking what about those poor plants you are killing
Hopefully OP is keeping all ownership and financials separate. Anything that does eventually get sold needs to be in her name only. No mingling of money from the inheritance means no complications if relationship ends. Frankly, the way Penny is coming at this definitely shows her to be less than concerned about OP's needs, so re-eval of relationship. might be in order.
As an aside, many First Nations tribes in the US & Canada accept donations of old furs that they can use to teach their young ones about working with animal skins.
Three weeks is far too soon to be making big decisions. If I were this woman, I would wait at least a year. She needs the time to grieve and really process everything that's happened and what ultimately she wants to do with everything. She's young. There's no rush. Most of the time when I've made a snap decision to get rid of something, I regret it. I'm still upset about donating my favorite boots, thinking they had served their purpose.
They could also get a climate controlled storage unit for some of the larger items and taxidermy.
Making money from them and putting them back into circulation on the market is pretty unambiguously the LESS moral choice… don’t do it unless you have to. Keep them, and either use them until they wear out or will them to museums.
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