Getting cold feet before a wedding is not uncommon or even a particularly new phenomenon, a fear of losing freedom, of going through with the ceremony. But there are times when you should trust your instincts and look at the facts since love can blind us to the worst in people.

One man bared his heart with the internet when he discovered that his wife-to-be was perhaps not being entirely honest. He took the questionable action of checking her phone to try and understand what was happening. What followed was a series of twists and turns, family drama, and detective work worthy of its own television show.

Often, we might overlook someone’s flaws when we are planning a life together

Image credits: Alena Darmel (not the actual photo)

A man discovered that his fiancée was being deceitful and it made him question their upcoming wedding

Image credits: Lisa Fotios (not the actual photo)

OP started to hatch a plan of action

Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)

He also decided to put his best detective skills to work to help Marty

Image credits: ira dulger (not the actual photo)

Cheating is a big enough transgression that just assisting with it can be a huge red flag

Infidelity brings out pretty visceral emotions in most people, to the degree that OP was willing to call off his own wedding just because his wife-to-be was assisting someone else in their infidelity. OP was basically separated from the cheating by at least two steps and it still, rightly, shocked him to his core. He wouldn’t be alone in this, historically, humans have abhorred infidelity. One cross-cultural and historical study found that cheating has had more legal consequences than, for example, premarital sex. This is just a reflection of the fact that marriage is, generally, an agreement to be faithful to just one partner and humans do not take oath-braking (as dramatic as that sounds) very lightly.

Now, OP’s hesitancy to marry this woman was not so much caused by her actions towards him, but a combination of lies and the, very accurate, understanding that if she can lie to one person, she can lie to him. While unpleasant, this is a very mature understanding of the world, as often people think “Well, it couldn’t happen to me!” The reality is that a serial liar will lie to you at some point and a selfish person will betray you as soon as it becomes convenient. Some commenters, no doubt sincerely, believe that OP should have confronted his fiancée first, but he very correctly points out that she would probably lie, particularly when she realizes he is not ok with her behavior. In these sorts of stories, it’s always important to remember that the original posters have better information and context than any random reader. Add in OP’s profession, which is basically detective work and it becomes clear that his plan is based on observations and experience, not just a reaction to the moment.

People who get cheated on often struggle with trust issues for the rest of their lives

His choice to help Marty is also admirable, as it’s easy to see how someone in this situation would be too busy feeling down and attempting to salvage their own life. Marty deserves a good bit of sympathy as well, as people who get cheated on tend to report lower life satisfaction for a while. They may also suffer from trust issues in a lot of follow-up relationships, meaning that Evelyn’s actions could have poisoned his romantic life for a long time. The upside is that, in cases of infidelity, if the partner who was cheated on initiates the divorce or break up, they tend to psychologically recover more quickly. If the breakup or divorce is initiated by the cheater, the other partner is generally blindsided and often falls into depression.

While in the past, adultery was a criminal offense, worthy of the death penalty in many cases, these days it is no longer technically a crime in much of the world. However, the presence of adultery will generally have some impact on divorce proceedings when there is property and kids involved. OP’s desire to find evidence might be good for the confrontation Marty had in mind, but it’s also a good thing to have in case lawyers get involved. Evidence is also vital when dealing with organized, serial liars, as Evelyn has a person who will happily falsify evidence and provide alibis. If OP and Marty had not planned accordingly for the confrontation, there is a solid chance that Sarah and Evelyn would deny, obfuscate, and even counterattack.

Commenters sympathized with OP’s plight and we answered some questions

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