My wife is pregnant, we find out the gender in 2 weeks. We will probably just text everyone--simple (can't stand the over the top reveals)

🤣

🤣

😂

Me too, pal.

I (62) fell the other day, but not in an old man sort of way. It was in a tried-to-hop-into-sweatpants-and-wound-up-in-one-leg sort of way. 62 going on 6.

Indicating is not part of the BMW dna . . .

Keeper! ✌️🙂

The gate is down and the lights are flashing but there is no train coming.

I was working as a filler substitute teacher at a high school. Walked into a chemistry class. After taking attendance one of the kids asked for a small white board because "I think we summoned a demon yesterday while the other sub was here." They needed the white board to communicate with it by making their own ouija board. I asked if they tried holy water. They said they were looking on Amazon for some. School is weird these days.

"The Little Yellow River" - I.P. Daily

You go, girl.

Poor kid. Wonder how his brain interpreted this bizarre request.

When I get out of the swimming pool and someone is just getting ready to get in the water I tell them "I warmed the water up for you."

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Make spider fingers on someone's head and ask them, "do you know what this is?" "No" "It's a brain-eating spider starving to death."

Wouldn't be a long infestation...

"I'll bet mind readers only charge you half price." - or - "I bet if you unscrewed his ears, Cabbage would fall out."

I like "Did your mother have any children who survived the birth?"

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Nancy Lynch

Nancy Lynch

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I need to remember this one!

The US voted him back in ....

I agree! Bring back the gargoyles!!!

I have one in every room now!

She photosynthesizes, duh

I can’t stop laughing

He's been gone a long time but I still sometimes hold the door open shouting, "Look dad! I'm heating the entire neighborhood!"

I really hope this is more of a workaholic situation and not a she didn't have a choice situation.

Who tf decided 2 days were enough for a weekend? 😑

A voice from the Heavens that sounds a lot like the dungeon master bellows, "Well, open the wall, idiot!" as thunder crashes and arrows begin to rain down.

Thanks for reminding me! I’m out and I need to buy more!

GBBS?

Now, that's petty

"Good evening, Sir, do you have a moment to discuss dental hygiene?"

I hear ya! 😂

I miss not staring at someone like they just stabbed a baby because they coughed.

Or if your mom refuses to pick you up.

Wait until you get it at 00:00, I’ve done it before.

I need this

…with tiny feet…

Me: *quietly goes into a corner to pee into a gravy boat* https://janeaustensworld.com/2012/07/16/regency-hygiene-the-bourdaloue/

On BP ee don't seem to have so many Marketing Bots anymore. That's nice. ("My name is Anastasia Cybertron and I make $10 million a week without even breathing...")

That’s sweet.

little hack for that - if it's a pack that doesn't have the hard plastic support at the opening, snip the opening about 15mm bigger on one side then you'll only get one - if the pack has a hard plastic support, put a hair band over the packet at each end, then you'll only get one (btw, they do this on purpose so you'll use more)