I have one in every room now!

This feels like common sense, but hey, I’m with you 👊🏻

I (62) fell the other day, but not in an old man sort of way. It was in a tried-to-hop-into-sweatpants-and-wound-up-in-one-leg sort of way. 62 going on 6.

Your punishment is to sniff your finger.

Go in my d**g drawer and grab the Aleve sweetie. Yeah you are only 9. Hey take a Norco for yourself dear boy

🤣

I was working as a filler substitute teacher at a high school. Walked into a chemistry class. After taking attendance one of the kids asked for a small white board because "I think we summoned a demon yesterday while the other sub was here." They needed the white board to communicate with it by making their own ouija board. I asked if they tried holy water. They said they were looking on Amazon for some. School is weird these days.

Australians: “I am working from home today”

The gate is down and the lights are flashing but there is no train coming.

You must be referring to all of Trump's cabinet nominees.

Are the bottles that big or do they just never get used?

🤣

When I get out of the swimming pool and someone is just getting ready to get in the water I tell them "I warmed the water up for you."

That was me, during my first trip to NYC back in the 80's!

Wait until you get it at 00:00, I’ve done it before.

"The Little Yellow River" - I.P. Daily

Me too, pal.

Now, that's petty

Low key freaking out.

You go, girl.

Loved that sketch!

On BP ee don't seem to have so many Marketing Bots anymore. That's nice. ("My name is Anastasia Cybertron and I make $10 million a week without even breathing...")

😂

GBBS?

I need this

Indicating is not part of the BMW dna . . .

I agree! Bring back the gargoyles!!!

Uh, what?

Or if your mom refuses to pick you up.

Never underestimate a good meal.

Today's gonna be exciting!

Honestly, I hope she's over the whiplash from this.

She photosynthesizes, duh

I hear ya! 😂

This is like Americans leaving scathing reviews on European rental property websites, "They advertised the apartment as being on the FIRST FLOOR, but I had to walk up a whole FLIGHT OF STAIRS to get to it! 0 stars!" (I'm American and this is humor based on real life. Upvotes only please.)

So boyfriend = horse of average intelligence then

Ah, social anxiety.

She did what now?

Extra fiber … TB is becoming healthy

So vewy twue!

I am so confused.

Who are those guys?

Just WHY

A weird sense of Darrrk humor, I do declare!

I swear americans can't count past 12

It was a cruel Bastard who termed obsessive compulsion a DIS-order... Order is everything to obsessive compulsives

What's a quantum computer anyway?

I have no idea what this means 🤷

…with tiny feet…

Huh?

I might need this.

When you think your dog is being friendly to your boss, but he's really beginning to pee on his leg.