Statistics show that conflict in relationships with in-laws is more common among women. A 2022 BBC report shared a study by psychologist Terri Apter, pointing out that 60% of women admitted to experiencing “long-term unhappiness and stress” because of their ties with female in-laws. 

Two-thirds of women also believed their mothers-in-law “exhibited jealous maternal love towards their son.” And out of the 75% of the couples that reported issues with an in-law, only 15% involved men and their mothers-in-law.

But what could be the reason behind these strained relationships? According to a Finnish study, child-rearing is one of the root causes. Tension is common between young married couples with children, and it supposedly begins after the birth of their firstborn. 

According to the study, most of these conflicts happen because the child's birth causes grandparents to "influence and interfere in the lives of other family members."

A few experts spoke to NPR in 2022 and listed five common issues that people face with their spouse’s family, the first one being having nitpicky in-laws. New York-based therapist and writer Moraya Seeger DeGeare advises being open-minded and finding a compromise. Her top tip is to just say “thank you.” 

“If someone is genuinely trying to be helpful, responding with snarky comments is not a great way to foster a relationship. Just say thank you and continue to go about your day.

One common cause of fights between married couples is the in-laws who want every holiday spent with them. According to DeGeare, a 50-50 split may not always work, especially if the two sides of the family live far apart. 

Instead, she advises compromising with your spouse. The worst-case scenario would be spending the holidays with just one side of the family this year and then switching things up the next year.

"It becomes a sore spot when someone's not there, and people don't know why. Tell your family you're going to try something new this year, and if it doesn't work, we can try something different next year."

Unannounced drop-ins are another issue between in-laws. The situation becomes more problematic when the spouse’s parents deliberately cross these boundaries, which ultimately strains the relationship. 

If you’re in this situation, DeGeare advises drawing the line but doing so respectfully. She also shared a short script, in case you’re having trouble going about it: 

"I love being able to live close to you and that you have a relationship with your grandchildren. But I'm feeling uncomfortable with how [often] you show up here [unannounced]. In the future, could you shoot me a quick text and let me know you're on your way?"

Continuing on drawing boundaries, a usual problem in this vein involves politics talk. If you’re the type who loves to debate on this specific topic, you may spark tension. 

In this case, author R. Eric Thomas advises taking a step back and agreeing to disagree, especially with in-laws who are button-pushers. It can be as simple as politely declining to speak about a specific topic. He also reminds us of the importance of standing one’s ground when necessary. 

"Sometimes we let people in our family get a pass in a way that we wouldn't let other people. But we don't owe our family members more of ourselves to the detriment of ourselves."

So, how do you keep a healthy relationship with your in-laws? Happywivesclub.com posted this question on its Facebook page, focusing on people who are on good terms with their spouse’s families. 500 people responded, but here are their top answers: 

User Tristan Roszkowski mentioned an essential factor many seem to forget: patience. Like all relationships, establishing a bond with an in-law requires time and effort. 

“You may be very different people, and it takes TIME to look at the world from another person’s viewpoint with love. Don’t give up. Always be kind. Give it time.”

Some people initially experience friction with their in-laws. User Jenny Campbell went through that difficult phase but approached the situation with kindness. 

“When I realized that they didn’t dislike me, they just would miss their son, it all changed,” she wrote. “Respect, honesty and common courtesy goes a long way. Eventually, the F.E.A.R (false evidence appearing real) goes away, guards are dropped and you realize you’re now an extended family – not a discontinuation of one.”