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If you've read any Bible teachings, you'll know that Old Testament God is a major asshole. Petty, vain, vindictive, and genocidally violent, he gleefully wrought havoc on his creations before his son eventually showed up with more merciful corrections of God's plans.
So what was up with his creation story in those days, when he was busy making the complex wonders of the world that he would go on to torture sadistically? This collection of tongue-in-cheek religious jokes, collected by us here at Bored Panda, hilariously imagines God's creation strategies as he came up with the animals, the sun, the planets and yes, even those little hell-raisers that he created in his own, twisted image: us. Scroll down below to check the best tweets we've found out for yourself, and don't forget to vote for your 'God creating animals' favorites! (Facebook cover image: Charlie Day)
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#7
#11
Luis Milian 5 years ago
he could have kept the part that they die once their needle on its butts comes off...
#12
#13
Gonzalo Terán 5 years ago
GOD: "And for $20 more, I´ll not freeze your a*s off to extinction down the line..." MAMMOTH: "Those were my last $20, I don´t have any money left..." GOD: "Though luck, buddy"
#19
#24
Aaron Kara 5 years ago (edited)
G: Give it the perpetual muscle structure of Dwayne The Rock Johnson - A: Who's Dway- - G: Something I've been working on
#26
athornedrose 5 years ago
God: no spoilers gecko! that hasn't happened yet! your time will come!
#32
released kraken 5 years ago
and also you only live about 13 years because your body grows old faster than humans
#34
Amanda Ferraz 5 years ago
There was a study in Brazil, comparing a public bathroom door (not those chemical stalls), a supermarket cart handle and a money bill. I don't remember the exact "winner", just know that bathroom was the less dirty and I think the cart handle was the dirtiest...
#36
Gaurav Joshi 5 years ago (edited)
angels: but aren't those poisonous! God: also make some of them transparent !!!
#39
chi-wei shen 5 years ago (edited)
"What if one of those f****d a saber tooth tiger" Did BoredPanda forget to censor?
#41
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What do you think ?
Alusair Alustriel 5 years ago
Great one :D And laso makes you think how many different animals are there and how each is special ^^
Lispel- Lotte 5 years ago
That remembers me to "wtf, evolution?" on tumblr, but instead of god it's the evolution who creates weird animals. (Search for it, it's really funny!)
Freya the Wanderer 5 years ago
The more you read the Bible, especially the Old Testament, the more you realize Yahweh/Adonai/Jehovah is a d*ck. Think of all the innocent animals - including lambs, cubs, calves, foals, kittens, puppies, chicks, etc. - as well as children and pregnant women who died in Noah's flood. Then there are the animal sacrifices described in Leviticus. Anybody who tried that stuff would never hear the end of it from PETA! And so on, and so on, and so on.
Nosfentor 5 years ago
Not to mention the fact that the bible condones slavery.
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Mariana Pinto 5 years ago
Can't remember the last time I laughed so hard!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you :D
Meowton Mewsk 5 years ago (edited)
Ohhh okay. Makes sense. And now, like a melting snowflake, they are following you around openly weeping. Lol. Conservatives have zero self awareness.
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Tyler Duffy 5 years ago
Lol I spit my coffee all over the sofa reading this. Thanks BP. You've been slipping but this makes up for it.
Enola Brinkley-Crayton 5 years ago
You can joke about satan all you want but when you tread on God's creative hand tread lightly my friend tread lightly.
Obodo Linda 5 years ago
My God is not the same god you speak of. the one I know is full of kindness to me. never forget that.
Chris Watson 5 years ago
Can't get past the comment referring to God as an a*****e . Not funny or cute. Or witty. Incredibly beyond disrespectful.
Patrick Foss 5 years ago
God: The sea floor is a mess with all the dead carcasses. Angel: Lets make giant water bugs that eat the dead stuff. *later* Angel: Um the humans are eating the clean up bugs. God: Well if they like them so much make a land version only smaller of and just for Sh*ts and giggles add big stinger on its butt! Angel: LOL I like it!
Evan Creem 5 years ago
For the Ocean one: This only works if the assumption is that humans are the most important creatures, we are far from it. Billions of species call the ocean home and would die if not for it's salinity. We are not important and there would be plenty of water for our needs if not for greed, selfishness, and total disregard for the gift of the Earth. If anything, the Earth would be so much better without us.
Kanga9ine 5 years ago
I wonder if God gets a little pissed off when folks show up in heaven after having undergone massive plastic surgeries while here on this lovely planet. Unrecognizable faces and bodies that since the Bible says we were made in his image, causing some people to wonder if their face was a result of a bad night out with the boys or a really bad drug induced burst of creativity gone bad.
Kanga9ine 5 years ago
I really screwed up my point. I just don't think God will be too happy if he has to figure out who the hell the person he just happened to bump is. Boobs that defy the laws of nature, logic and good old common sense. So that got me thinking about having to report to Hell for Community Service, putting on a lovely fluorescent orange vest, cleaning up heaven and being dumped off at the gates of Hell's Employee Entrance, checking in our vests and trash picker upper thing-a-ma-doohickey and finding a way to harness all that heat into a nice sauna or sweat lodge.
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Phillip Moderow 5 years ago
Quintessential blasphemy. Bored Panda: Is nothing sacred ? Then I DARE YOU to print something like this about another religious icon -- you know who -- or are you worried about beheading ? Cowards.
Marnee DeRider 5 years ago
@Phillip: This post is not about "God"! This post is about funny viewpoints of animals. It's not even about any actual religion's view of a God, so it can't be disrespectful to that God. To say that this is blasphemy is like saying playing Angry Birds is cruelty to animals.
Load More Replies...
Meowton Mewsk 5 years ago
If that offends you, just wait until you read the Bible. Whoever wrote that s**t is sick.
Load More Replies... 
Meowton Mewsk 5 years ago
The story / book describes him that way though. ?
Load More Replies... Alusair Alustriel 5 years ago
Great one :D And laso makes you think how many different animals are there and how each is special ^^
Lispel- Lotte 5 years ago
That remembers me to "wtf, evolution?" on tumblr, but instead of god it's the evolution who creates weird animals. (Search for it, it's really funny!)
Freya the Wanderer 5 years ago
The more you read the Bible, especially the Old Testament, the more you realize Yahweh/Adonai/Jehovah is a d*ck. Think of all the innocent animals - including lambs, cubs, calves, foals, kittens, puppies, chicks, etc. - as well as children and pregnant women who died in Noah's flood. Then there are the animal sacrifices described in Leviticus. Anybody who tried that stuff would never hear the end of it from PETA! And so on, and so on, and so on.
Nosfentor 5 years ago
Not to mention the fact that the bible condones slavery.
Load More Replies... Mariana Pinto 5 years ago
Can't remember the last time I laughed so hard!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you :D
Meowton Mewsk 5 years ago (edited)
Ohhh okay. Makes sense. And now, like a melting snowflake, they are following you around openly weeping. Lol. Conservatives have zero self awareness.
Load More Replies... Tyler Duffy 5 years ago
Lol I spit my coffee all over the sofa reading this. Thanks BP. You've been slipping but this makes up for it.
Enola Brinkley-Crayton 5 years ago
You can joke about satan all you want but when you tread on God's creative hand tread lightly my friend tread lightly.
Obodo Linda 5 years ago
My God is not the same god you speak of. the one I know is full of kindness to me. never forget that.
Chris Watson 5 years ago
Can't get past the comment referring to God as an a*****e . Not funny or cute. Or witty. Incredibly beyond disrespectful.
Patrick Foss 5 years ago
God: The sea floor is a mess with all the dead carcasses. Angel: Lets make giant water bugs that eat the dead stuff. *later* Angel: Um the humans are eating the clean up bugs. God: Well if they like them so much make a land version only smaller of and just for Sh*ts and giggles add big stinger on its butt! Angel: LOL I like it!
Evan Creem 5 years ago
For the Ocean one: This only works if the assumption is that humans are the most important creatures, we are far from it. Billions of species call the ocean home and would die if not for it's salinity. We are not important and there would be plenty of water for our needs if not for greed, selfishness, and total disregard for the gift of the Earth. If anything, the Earth would be so much better without us.
Kanga9ine 5 years ago
I wonder if God gets a little pissed off when folks show up in heaven after having undergone massive plastic surgeries while here on this lovely planet. Unrecognizable faces and bodies that since the Bible says we were made in his image, causing some people to wonder if their face was a result of a bad night out with the boys or a really bad drug induced burst of creativity gone bad.
Kanga9ine 5 years ago
I really screwed up my point. I just don't think God will be too happy if he has to figure out who the hell the person he just happened to bump is. Boobs that defy the laws of nature, logic and good old common sense. So that got me thinking about having to report to Hell for Community Service, putting on a lovely fluorescent orange vest, cleaning up heaven and being dumped off at the gates of Hell's Employee Entrance, checking in our vests and trash picker upper thing-a-ma-doohickey and finding a way to harness all that heat into a nice sauna or sweat lodge.
Load More Replies... Phillip Moderow 5 years ago
Quintessential blasphemy. Bored Panda: Is nothing sacred ? Then I DARE YOU to print something like this about another religious icon -- you know who -- or are you worried about beheading ? Cowards.
Marnee DeRider 5 years ago
@Phillip: This post is not about "God"! This post is about funny viewpoints of animals. It's not even about any actual religion's view of a God, so it can't be disrespectful to that God. To say that this is blasphemy is like saying playing Angry Birds is cruelty to animals.
Load More Replies... Meowton Mewsk 5 years ago
If that offends you, just wait until you read the Bible. Whoever wrote that s**t is sick.
Load More Replies... Meowton Mewsk 5 years ago
The story / book describes him that way though. ?
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