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Doctors Are Sharing Their Funniest Patient Stories, And It’s Hilarious
Nobody really likes going to the doctors, do they? I mean, that antiseptic smell, the silence (of the lambs) of the waiting room except for the odd groan and sniffle, the weird sounds your doctor makes while assessing the situation and most of all the unpleasant procedures.
However, as far as the potential for awkward situations goes, going to the doc's can be comedy gold. From hilariously misinformed patients to doctors with a wickedly dry sense of humor, we at Bored Panda had compiled a list of short stories when doctor/patient interactions were just too funny. So check our anthology of the most awkward questions by patients, brittle humored doctors, and hilarious nurses, who also have plenty of funny stories to tell.
P.S.: I wonder, do doctors themselves also hate going to a physician? Or when they do go, do they share the funny stories?
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#1
Pants On Fire
Guy comes into the emergency department via Ambulance with burns on his lower extremities. His shoes are charred and the bottoms of his pants are definitely burned away but his skin isn't so bad. He had been trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard (think flame thrower) and things got a little out of control. I smelled alcohol on his breath so I asked the guy if he had been drinking and he looked me directly in the eye and said, "Nooooo". I got drunk just standing next to him. It was a once in a lifetime set up and I couldn't help myself. As straight faced and professionally as possible I said, "Sir...liar, liar, pants on fire". The paramedics all turned at once and ran out of the room they were laughing so hard! The patient just stared at me. He was so drunk it went totally over his head.
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#2
Lame Jokes
As I leaned in to check her eyes, my older patient got a little frisky.
“You remind me of my third husband,” she said coyly.
“Third husband?” I asked. “How many have you had?”
“Two.”
#3
Lord Molar
When I came out from having my wisdom teeth pulled I apparently shot up, looked at the doctor and said "Charlatan! I demand you return my teeth! They are mine and I will choose where they are to be spent!" My dad said he couldn't stop laughing because I wouldn't leave without them. When I woke up at home I asked my dad why my teeth were in a plastic bag on the table, he told me everything and promptly started calling me Lord Molar for the rest of the night.
#4
Youtube Tutorial
When I went to the ER to have a painful ingrown toenail removed, I was sobbing, gagging, petrified … the works. But my doctor knew how to calm me down.
“Don’t worry about a thing,” he assured me. “I just looked up how to perform this operation on YouTube.”
#5
I Didn't Need It
“Here,” says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen container. “The bathroom’s over there.” A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.
“Thanks,” he says, returning the empty container. “But there was a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”
#6
Do You Have An Appointment?
Was at a urologist in a hospital and there were a couple of power cuts. Lights dipped out, generators kicked in.
As he's finishing the examination, mid-sentence, the lights go out again. He gets up and walks out to check on things.
Fifteen minutes later I'm still sat on the bed with my old chap out and pants around my ankles. A nurse walks past the open door and does one of those comedy double-takes.
"....do you...do you have an appointment?"
Turns out the doc had actually finished the examination, and returned to the ward some 15 minutes ago. To the nurse I was just some guy who had walked in and pulled his pants down and left the door open.
#7
A Nice Young Lady
I asked a female patient with dementia what year it is. She said, "Oh, my, no, that's far too personal to discuss in polite company. A nice young lady like you shouldn't be concerned with such things."
I didn't bother pointing out that I'm not a lady. I figured if she didn't notice the beard, then she wasn't going to understand an explanation either.
#8
Eardrops
My patient announced she had good news … and bad. “The medicine for my earache worked,” she said.
“What’s the bad news?” I asked.
“It tasted awful.”
Since she was feeling better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her they’re called eardrops for a reason.
#9
Body Parts
I am an ER doc. I once had a 20 year old and his girlfriend come in at 2 am freaking out becuase "something had tore his throat open". He seemed fine. No blood. Breathing fine. I had him open his mouth, saw nothing. So didn't want him to lose confidence in me, clearly something had happened, so I'm looking, and looking....there is nothing wrong with this kids throat. Finally I say look, it seems ok...what do you feel or see? "I dont feel it but LOOK ITS RIGHT THERE". WHERE??? Looking, looking. It was his uvula. Somehow this kid had gotten to the age of 20 without ever noticing his uvula. Girlfriend was also horrified....I told them it was normal. Did not believe me. So I told them I was about to blow their minds and showed him his girlfriends uvula. Minds blown, another life saved in the ER.
#10
Space Cakes
An older lady was brought into the ED barely conscious by her husband. In a very thick Italian accent she told the doctor she was dying. She had complained of feeling tingly and having a dry mouth prior to passing out.
The doctor sat the husband down and they did a history. No serious medical problems and she was very fit. In fact she spent the morning cleaning her sons bar, as she often did on a Sunday morning.
Considering her age they took these symptoms very seriously and begun running tests to find the source of her ailments.
The son came in to visit his mother, and on the way he bypassed his bar. He noticed that his mother had helped herself to some of the 'treats' prepared the night before.
The son, the apple of his parents eye, had to then explain to his father and the doctor that the treats she had enjoyed were space cakes. And apparently she really enjoyed them as she ate quite a few.
They then had to sit down and tell this elderly lady that she was not dying, and that she was in fact stoned!
Fortunately she was still high enough to see the humour.
#11
Chocolate Milk
A woman came in for a baby check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby’s bottle. So I started explaining to her as kindly as I could that she shouldn’t be giving her baby chocolate milk. At which point she interrupts me and says, "Oh that isn’t chocolate milk. It’s coffee! He just loves it!”
#12
Menopause
Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn't be pregnant. She said her last period was "like ten months ago" so she'd gone through menopause.
She was 25.
#13
All Gussied Up
A woman had a gynecologist appointment one afternoon. Before leaving home she used a little feminine deodorant spray, just in case.
She gets to her appointment and is assisted into the stirrups for her pelvic exam.
The doc takes a quick look and says "My, aren't we fancy today!"
She and not used her feminine deodorant spray; she had instead accidentally used her daughter's glitter hairspray.
#14
Meeting Of The Minds
During surgery, my fellow resident bumped heads with the surgeon.
“Ah, Dr Jones, a meeting of the minds,” he said, laughing it off.
The surgeon mumbled, “Yes. And I felt so alone.”
#15
Wash It Thoroughly
I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my assessment she further divulged that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn’t matter “because he uses a condom every time and he makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use.” I asked what she meant when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he used said condom again..
#16
You Guys Are Great
I'm an anesthesia student currently doing my clinical rotations and I had an old guy wake up and the first thing he asked was "do I still have my balls?" and I told him "yep, both of them" and he said "both? Aw you guys are great"
#17
New Teeth
While in dental school my friend pulled out several bombed out (technical term) teeth on a adult male. After the procedure was finished and post-op instructions we given, the man asked, "So when should I expect my new teeth to grow in?" He was serious.
#18
Dental Hygiene
Not a doctor, dental hygienist...
Had to explain that brushing your teeth with Comet ( the cleaner ) was not a good way to clean your teeth to a 40 year old woman.
Also had to tell a woman that painting her teeth with white finger nail polish was a bad idea.
#19
Sleep Study
I gave my patient the results of her sleep study: “It looks like you stopped breathing in your sleep over 65 times per hour.”
Her response: “Did I start back?”
#20
Urine Sample
Call it … carma! A car belonging to a pregnant patient was broken into. The only thing that was stolen was a wine bottle in a brown paper bag. It turns out, that’s where she was keeping her urine sample, which she’d brought in to be tested.
#21
Fertility Misconceptions
While I am a doctor, this happened to my wife, also a doctor. Female pt came in complaining of infertility. Said she and her partner had been trying to conceive for like five years and had "tried everything." At one point she let the pronoun slip "she and I..." and my wife said, "wait, let's back up a minute." Turns out the woman had been in a hetero relationship for a few years and never got pregnant despite using no protection. She then entered a same-sex relationship and again never got pregnant even though she really wanted to, leading her to believe she was infertile. When my wife tried to explain that conception requires sperm (sourced from a male) as well as an egg, the pt was incredulous, and exclaimed that she "didn't need a man in my life" and she didn't like being judged. Perhaps needless to say the patient was lost to followup.
#22
Where Did You Get Hurt?
Patient: Doctor, I slipped in the grocery store and really hurt myself.
Me: Where did you get hurt?
Patient: Aisle six.
#23
Clara Fication
A gentleman calls our office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for, and we talk at length about the procedure.
Patient: I’m sorry to have so many questions.
Me: Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.
Patient: Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very helpful.
#24
Sleeping Together
Friend of mine is a doctor. Had a christian couple come in and ask why they didn't get a child. Both virgins untill married at 26 and 27. I mean, they did sleep with each other every night. Sleep.
#25
Vertigo
I asked a patient complaining of dizziness if she had ever been diagnosed with "vertigo". The daughter chimed in and said "no, no, she's a Libra..." I then laughed hysterically at her awesome joke. She was dead serious.
#26
Breastfeeding Troubles
A woman comes in after having a baby and tells us she's having trouble breastfeeding. I book her an appointment at a breastfeeding clinic, give her some resources, etc. Her appointment was fine and she went on her merry way. A few weeks later, we get the fax that she went to the breastfeeding clinic and everything was fine. Awesome.
A year later she shows up for her doctor's appointment, and she's morbidly obese. She must have put 100lbs on an already obese frame. She's developed many health problems related to her weight (that she refuses to acknowledge are due to her weight. Of course.) She tells us she's never been more active after having a kid, her diet hasn't changed, her work life hasn't changed, nothing has changed, the weight gain just happened due to ~hormones. We ask if she's breastfeeding, she says yes. We ask how she's getting the extra calories for the breastfeeding, and she tells us the Clinic told her to eat 1-2 bowls of plain oatmeal a day. It worked, so she's still doing it.
We figure this is how she gained so much weight (she's probably eating 2 large bowls of oatmeal on top of her meals, with milk, sugar, butter, etc), but the woman insists she's eating 1-2 packets of plain oatmeal a day. Nothing on it, nothing added to it. It says plain on the package, it tastes plain, it's plain.
We send the doctor in to see her after briefing him on the whole story about the oatmeal. He's in the room with her a long time -- much longer than normal. When she comes out of the room, she keeps her head down and walks off, looking angry and embarrassed. The doctor walks up to the nursing table and fills out the chart.
"You never asked what brand of oatmeal she's eating".
Yeah. Turns out she didn't know plain rolled oats were a thing. She thought the breastfeeding clinic meant plain oatmeal cookies. She was eating an entire package of Dad's oatmeal cookies every single day for a year (basically a 'bowl or two' filled with cookies), and could not understand how that was different from oatmeal.
#27
Feeling Like A Muppet
When I bad a colonoscopy, my GI doctor said I said, "wow, now I know what a Muppet feels like!" He had to stop a minute to regain his composure.
#28
Insomniac
Patient comes in at 2 am for insomnia, clearly tweaking her brains out, heart rate 200. Can't sit still, bouncing off the walls. I suggest maybe easing up on the cocaine. "But doctor, I LOVE cocaine." K.
#29
Monthly Bleeding
I had a patient in her 30s complain of monthly rectal bleeding that would last 4-6 days and stop on its own. It started when she was 11. She just thought she should get checked out. It did stop for a while when she was pregnant.
#30
Salt Water
I was a newly minted graduate with fresh and optimistic views on my life as a doctor. Second week in came this old lady and her very dysfunctional family.
They would argue and complain about everything, from the food, the nurses they didnt like and every single medical decision we made. She was very very sick so her management was just as complicated.
She had several children and they all didnt like one another and would not talk to one another. Each time we would have to explain a long update to every single one of them because they "are entitled to hear it from a doctor".
One of these stories being sitting down and explaining why you don't give gatorade as an IV drip. They did not understand why we were giving "salt water" to her.
Conversation with her son:
"Look she likes gatorade, she is drinking it so why cant you give it to her through her drip?"
We explain why.
Son frowns. "But its isotonic."
We explain again.
"Yes but gatorade has more electrolytes."
We explain again.
"Salt water just seems to be too cheap. Cant you give her something else closer to gatorade? That has electrolytes?"
Continues for two hours. Wash and repeat every day during her admission.
Afterwards I told my fiance. He opened up a scene from Idiocracy on youtube and I just sat there with my mouth open for a while.
#31
Special Forces Medic
Not a doctor, but I'm a former Special Forces medic and I treated indigenous populations in Iraq, Afghanistan and several other Middle Eastern countries. Some of the patients and their families asked incredible things of me, such as putting brains back inside after an explosion took half the head off, but I have never been as incredulous as when I had to explain "wrong hole" to a very old tribal elder who was wondering why he couldn't father any children.
#32
Thorough Examination
The doctor explained to his patient that she suffered from inflammation of the cervix. Concerned, she demanded that he test her husband for it too.
The doctor assured her, “I’m positive your husband does not have cervicitis.”
She shot back, “How do you know? You haven’t examined him yet.”
#33
It Runs In The Family
I've had a patient claim that amputations run in his family.
He said that was the only reason he needed both legs taken off above the knee. He was adamant that it was not actually due to his uncontrolled diabetes, his enormous and continual sugar intake, his refusal to use insulin, or his refusal of treatment for the giant infected wounds on both feet.
#34
Hammer It
Im ashamed to say I have a story that fits here. I have a ganglion cyst on the inside of my wrist, when it starts getting large I smash my wrist down on a hard table and it goes away. I developed a similar bump on the top of my foot. I couldn't smash it down like my wrist so I tried hitting it with a hammer. Didn't do anything and it was getting bigger and interfering with my shoes so I got it investigated. Not a cyst, but arthritis in the joint. No wonder my hammer trick didn't work. The radiologist did find my treatment method amusing, but advised me to get any more lumps checked out rather than randomly hitting things with a hammer.
#35
Alternative Treatments
A related story from my friend, a Gynecologic Oncologist.
Basically a woman had early uterine cancer, but refused surgery. She wanted to explore alternative treatments like coffee enemas (?) and meditation. She somehow managed to get an audience with the Dalai Lama who told her to go back to western treatment.
#36
Go Back To Sleep
I was coming to just as my doctor was finishing my colonoscopy. Feeling some pressure “back there”, I reached down and patted the doctor on the head.
“It’s OK, Yehudi,” I said. “Just go back to sleep.”
Yehudi is the name of my dog.
#37
Eye Color
I worked at the ER during my internship and met a girl who had increasingly painful and red eyes since a couple of days back. The last 24h had been horrible. I asked about all the normal stuff, and she claimed to have no idea why she had this eye problem - she had never had anything wrong with her eyes. I proceed to drop some dye in her eyes to check them in a microscope, and when I do I realize she's wearing contacts.
She didn't like her natural eye colour, so she had bought a set of blue coloured lenses 8 months earlier. Never removed them, not even during night time. Didn't even think to mention this to me, claimed to have no "foreign materials" in her eyes.
Needless to say, I gave her quite the harsh lecture and a referal to an ophtalmologist.
#38
Funny Doctor Patient Story
The stupidest thing I've been to the doctor for: I took my young son in because he had a very regular rash on his lower back. It wasn't until I was in the doctor's office that I noticed that it had exactly the same pattern as the inlet cover on our jacuzzi. Which he had just been bathing in.
#39
Check Those Farts
Emergency surgeon here
Got called 2 a.m. because a patient demanded to see me because "her daughters farts smelled too bad"
Kept a straight face.
#40
Honest Mistake
A friend of mine mistakenly called her gynecologist instead of her dentist to make an appointment, and started the call by admitting she was overdue for a cleaning...
#41
I Know My Body
Doctor here. One we get commonly is "I know my body." Scoped a guy with knee pain - the joint looked perfect. Told him after the surgery, and he told us "no, my tendons are all torn. I know my body."
Told a lady she was pregnant. "No, I'm not. I just had a big lunch. I know my body."
Absolutely, when something doesn't feel right and your doctor doesn't want to listen, seek a second opinion. You know how your body normally feels. But if someone has performed an invasive surgery to look at your joint, or has seen a fetus on ultrasound, they probably know what they are talking about.
#42
Online Witch
Me: Sir, I need to know why you stopped taking your antiretrovirals for your HIV.
Him: Well I met this witch online that...
Me: Wait, did you just said "witch"?
Him: Yeah, she sent me a bunch of herbs every month to cure my HIV, and they worked, last time i checked I was cured.
Me: Where and what tests did you do to know you were cured?
Him: I made an online test that the witch told me to, they were a lot of random questions but in the end it said that I was free of HIV.
Me: Ooook, we will need to do a blood test to confirm that. Now, can you tell me wich herbs were you consuming?
Him: I don't know the name, but I have them right here :points at his backpack:
Me: May I take a look?
Him: Sure!
I opened the bag and what I saw was nothing but grinded oregano with something that smelled like chlorine... The patient, sadly, died from a severe sepsis a month later with a highly resistant microorganism. Just because a "witch" in a website told him to stop taking his meds...
#43
Funny Doctor Patient Stories
Scene: The operating room. I’m reviewing the surgical checklist with the nurses.
Me: We have the surgical equipment, the heart-lung machine, antibiotics, and the replacement heart valve on hand.
Patient: You wait until now to figure this stuff out?
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