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Nobody would like to end up on the wrong side of the court hearing (or any side at all), because your life belongs solely to the decision of a judge and the work of your lawyer. But what if your lawyer is nothing like Saul Goodman and more like a babbling schoolgirl?
Despite the seriousness, courtroom drama, and everything that happens in it, this place also produces hilarious (unintentional) comedy. Charles M. Sevilla has compiled some of the funniest exchanges from justice halls between defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, and released a book of court records called “Disorder in the Court”.
From witnesses taking questions literally to lawyers formulating paradoxes instead of problems, these funny court cases really happened, and they’re just too good not to face the judgment of the internet. Scroll down to enjoy this priceless list of funny court transcripts, and vote for your favorite entries!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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#2
LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--
WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
#3
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Nausicaa Alkistis 7 years ago
Unless the attorney knows things about the witness. *creepy background music*
What is a Case That Became Famous for Its Epic Moments in the Courtroom?
When discussing court cases that have gripped the public’s imagination with unexpected twists and turns, the 2022 defamation trial between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp undoubtedly tops the list.
This legal battle between two high-profile celebrities was an authentic courtroom drama that turned into a cultural phenomenon, blending funny courtroom testimonies and surreal moments.
The case, revolving around allegations and counter-allegations of abuse, was filled with court quotes that sounded almost too crazy to be true.
#4
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
fubukifangirl 7 years ago
These days, that's a perfectly valid question due to all the SJW who get offended if you assume their gender.
L.a. Williams 2 years ago
Yep pretty sure you need a new lawyer. Also someone please inform the lawyer that we are born either as a girl or a boy.
Susanne Pachtmann 7 years ago
Because you can be witness and be directly involved...
Load More Replies...
Intensive Panda 7 years ago
Nothing wrong with this question since so many people are unsure about their actual gender /sarcasm_off
Gottlob Frege 7 years ago
ooops , i should have say: WITNESS: No your honor , they all were transgender dogs and cats !
#5
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
#6
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
What Colors Are Best to Wear to Court?
While navigating through the funny things said in court, we couldn’t help but wonder what one should do to make a good impression in front of the judges.
Your outfit is undoubtedly something to keep in mind, so we took the liberty of researching the best colors to wear when you’re in the courtroom spotlight, and here’s what we found.
- Navy blue and dark gray: These colors are top choices for a reason. They convey professionalism, reliability, and respect. Navy blue, in particular, is often associated with trustworthiness and calmness, qualities you’d definitely want to project in a court setting.
- Light blue and soft greens: If you’re aiming for a more approachable and calm demeanor, consider softer shades like light blue or green. These colors can suggest that you’re peaceful and cooperative, potentially putting the courtroom at ease.
- Black and white: Black is a classic choice, symbolizing formality and seriousness. However, it can sometimes be seen as overly somber or harsh, so balancing it with a white shirt or blouse can soften the look.
- Neutral tones: Beige, cream, and other neutral tones are safe choices that convey a sense of simplicity and honesty.
- Avoid bright colors: Among the many things “Modern Family” series taught us is that flashy and bright clothes might be too distracting and inappropriate when under judgment. You want the focus to be on your words and actions, not your fashion statement.
Remember, it’s not just about the color but the overall appearance. Well-fitted, conservative attire generally works best in a court setting. The key is to appear respectful and composed, and your choice of color plays a significant role in this.
RELATED: Lawyer Posts Hilarious Legal Tips Based On Things That Actually Happened During His 19 Year Practice
#7
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
#8
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
#9
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
#10
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
#11
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
Marlowe Fitzpatrik 7 years ago
Maybe the picture was TAKEN, as in stolen? I know, I'm reaching here, but ... could be
#12
LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
OTHER LAWYER: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
#13
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
#14
LAWYER: What happened then?
WITNESS: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
LAWYER: Did he kill you?
WITNESS: No.
#15
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
#16
LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
WITNESS: I only have one, you know.
#17
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
#18
LAWYER: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?
WITNESS: No. He was wearing a mask.
LAWYER: What was he wearing under the mask?
WITNESS: Er...his face.
#19
LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
WITNESS: Yes, sir.
LAWYER: What did she say?
WITNESS: 'What disco am I at?'
#20
LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
#21
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
#22
LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
WITNESS: The victim lived.
#23
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
#24
LAWYER: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And these stairs, did they go up also?
#25
LAWYER: Are you married?
WITNESS: No, I'm divorced.
LAWYER: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
WITNESS: A lot of things I didn't know about.
#26
LAWYER: What is your brother-in-law's name?
WITNESS: Borofkin.
LAWYER: What's his first name?
WITNESS: I can't remember.
LAWYER: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
WITNESS: No. I tell you, I'm too excited. (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!
#27
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
#28
LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Vlad Horobet 7 years ago
That's a pretty TIGHT question. I wonder if the attorney is CLOSE ENOUGH to find the answer.
#29
LAWYER: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
WITNESS: Yes sir.
LAWYER: Before or after he died?
#30
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
#31
LAWYER: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
WITNESS: Picking them up in the air.
LAWYER: Where was the dog at this time?
WITNESS: Attached to the ears.
#32
LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Maike Weidner 7 years ago
this is... just so senseless...do they get paid by the amount words they are using?
#33
LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
#34
LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life?
WITNESS: Not yet.
white widow 7 years ago
well... this was just playing smart... it is a legitimate question, as in, have you lived here since you were born? i don't find it as funny as the others.
#36
LAWYER: Were you alone or by yourself?
#37
LAWYER: And what did he do then?
WITNESS: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
LAWYER: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
#38
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
Adriana E. Henricy 7 years ago
Also, isnt this from Hot Fuzz? the movie directed by Edgar Wright with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost? second in the Cornetto trilogy? where Pegg asks this kid (at a bar) when was his birth-day, and he answers this.
#39
LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing?
WITNESS: I could see his head.
LAWYER: And where was his head?
WITNESS: Just above his shoulders.
#40
LAWYER: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.
#41
LAWYER: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?
WITNESS: There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.
LAWYER: Can you identify the rifle?
WITNESS: Yes. There was something written on the side of it.
LAWYER: And what did the writing say?
WITNESS: 'Winchester'!
#42
LAWYER: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Shauday Smith 7 years ago
do you have any children or elderly or any other humans in any state of development?
#43
LAWYER: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
WITNESS: I went to Europe, sir.
LAWYER: And you took your new wife?
#44
LAWYER: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
WITNESS: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
#45
LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything?
WITNESS: After the accident?
LAWYER: Before the accident.
WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
#46
LAWYER: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
#47
LAWYER: And you check your radar unit frequently?
Officer: Yes, I do.
LAWYER: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?
Officer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.
#48
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
#49
LAWYER: Do you drink when you're on duty?
WITNESS: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
#50
LAWYER: So you were gone until you returned?
Between things lawyers say and hilarious testimonies, we hope you got some genuine laughs from this! Now, it’s your turn to weigh in—drop a comment with your favorite moments from the list and upvote the ones that tickled your funny bone the most.
What do you think ?
Mark Smallman 7 years ago
Personally while some might be slightly doctored I can imagine these sorts of questions being asked.Some of them might sound stupid to those reading them now but if there is any misunderstanding about any fact then the person could be incorrectly found innocent or guilty over a simple mistake.
Dida Vasic 6 years ago
When I was on court (divorcing) judge asked me "Can you tell me from the beginning, when all started?" My answer was "About 14 billion years ago, there was a big bang."
Petra Nikolic 7 years ago
you have to ask these stupid questions because then the person cant say 'BUT i didnt SAY it was that and that" so you have to make them say things like this just so they get written that they were spoken by the witness
Daniel Losinger 7 years ago
“Recorded To Be Said In Court” I thought their job was to record things that were already said in court.
Dee Me 7 years ago
.....That Court Reporters Have Ever Recorded To Be Said In Court......said is past tense, so its already been done and was recorded. It'd be different if it was "Recorded to SAY in court"....say being a present or future tense depending on the word before it; ie will say, to say.
Load More Replies... Lance d'Boyle 7 years ago
I have an inkling that these exchanges have been doctored. While there are no doubt distracted and even stupid lawyers out there asking inane questions, the repeated snarky responses is too much. It's like 'set up, set up, punch line' each time. Funny maybe but not real.
Aunt Messy 7 years ago
Coroners testify in court a lot. Some of them more than once in a week. If they're experienced, they've heard a lot of epically stupid questions. I know I'd be tempted to take the smartass route if someone asked me something as stupid as "would he wake up dead".
Load More Replies...
Panda watcher 1 year ago
Some of these have been circulating for 30+ years….sadly, I see several have been altered in attempt to make funnier… too bad bc the originals were better.
Marcus Lynch 2 years ago
I have to hope that most of these are made up. Otherwise the percentage of wrongfully convicted people must be astronomical!
William Jennings 5 years ago
Absurd Answers that only work in court: This is what I love about the Constitution and Laws of USA. I want to keep it that way since I'm aware of how it works and know how to use it. Here is a story. It's fiction as far as I know since it just came to me a few years ago. There was a man who was employed in a building that prohibited the possession of certain items while inside the building. He did not ever need to have one inside the building anyway, but he did need it when walking from his car to the building and then walking back to the car from the building since the sidewalks beyond his work place required having them for personal safety. One evening after dark he was on the sidewalk a few blocks away from the workplace while walking back to his car. He had to use the item. His boss at work heard about it and became inquisitive. He said that a fairy flies down and takes it when going in and gives it back when going out. It was none of the boss's business anyway.
Amy Wildling 6 years ago
" like a babbling school girl? " Really? I'm pretty sure the school girls I work with daily could do without this being used as your negative connotation of choice, author!
Vickis Smith 6 years ago
Some have been doctored but I have seen many of them enough to remember which might have been embellished; sometimes a line has been added - this isn't necessary, of course since we all could easily add an appropriate line in our own minds when the situation calls for it. I've seen some variation of the "brain on my desk" entry, but essentially they were the same.
Richard Hartman 7 years ago
If you've ever sent on a jury you've heard some s**t like this I know I have
Keith Freeman 7 years ago
What clothes was you wearing that night? I don't know. You know where the clothes you was wearing that night are? If I knew where they was I'd know what I was wearing that night... Dumb cops.
Devin Sullivan 7 years ago
I had to down vote it simply because of #62. Whoever added that is a knucklehead who clearly doesn't know that being a French Canadian is actually a thing 🤣
Jeanne Richard 7 years ago
Pretty sure that's not why they added it. It sounds like it was context of race more than nationality. Which means they were born as such or at least it could be assumed they were.
Load More Replies...
Sondre Strøm Linde 7 years ago
Are any of these true at all? They sound a little too fabricated. Most people are not this quick-witted.
Janet Cooper 7 years ago
The court recorder types the questions & answers as they are being spoken in court... "Recorded As They Were Said In Court," perhaps??
Lindy Mac 5 years ago
I doubt it- I heard most of them over the years... as lawyer jokes.
Load More Replies...
Christina Waide 7 years ago
Its so weird to me that there is such hatred of attorneys. I think there are a lot of people who think that they are smarter than lawyers? Or that they should have been a lawyer? I spent aaaa llllloooootttt of time in courtrooms-and have read my share of trial transcripts and these exchanges aren't even transcribed this way. First, transcripts refer to attorneys as attorneys not lawyers. These exchanges are also set up like open mics-the timing is all wrong.
Allie Orona 7 years ago
I had a lawyer once, and I'll tell you, some of them really are this stupid.
Katinka Min 7 years ago
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The sarcastic doctor - stupid attorney ones are the best. I wish there was a TV series based on them.
Lely Rahma 7 years ago
This article reminds me when I talked to my close friend whose a lawyer, he asked "do you have an adult child?" He knew exactly that I only had a 4 year-old at that time.
Auntie Em 7 years ago
Hey dummy, the words are 'friend WHO'S a lawyer', or "who is a lawyer", not "friend WHOSE a lawyer".........who's is a contraction of who is. As for 'whose' - I have a friend whose occupation is a lawyer.
Load More Replies...
K. Villareal 7 years ago
I worked for lawyers and quit after a while...they truly are the scum of the earth.
Mark Smallman 7 years ago
Personally while some might be slightly doctored I can imagine these sorts of questions being asked.Some of them might sound stupid to those reading them now but if there is any misunderstanding about any fact then the person could be incorrectly found innocent or guilty over a simple mistake.
Dida Vasic 6 years ago
When I was on court (divorcing) judge asked me "Can you tell me from the beginning, when all started?" My answer was "About 14 billion years ago, there was a big bang."
Petra Nikolic 7 years ago
you have to ask these stupid questions because then the person cant say 'BUT i didnt SAY it was that and that" so you have to make them say things like this just so they get written that they were spoken by the witness
Daniel Losinger 7 years ago
“Recorded To Be Said In Court” I thought their job was to record things that were already said in court.
Dee Me 7 years ago
.....That Court Reporters Have Ever Recorded To Be Said In Court......said is past tense, so its already been done and was recorded. It'd be different if it was "Recorded to SAY in court"....say being a present or future tense depending on the word before it; ie will say, to say.
Load More Replies... Lance d'Boyle 7 years ago
I have an inkling that these exchanges have been doctored. While there are no doubt distracted and even stupid lawyers out there asking inane questions, the repeated snarky responses is too much. It's like 'set up, set up, punch line' each time. Funny maybe but not real.
Aunt Messy 7 years ago
Coroners testify in court a lot. Some of them more than once in a week. If they're experienced, they've heard a lot of epically stupid questions. I know I'd be tempted to take the smartass route if someone asked me something as stupid as "would he wake up dead".
Load More Replies... Panda watcher 1 year ago
Some of these have been circulating for 30+ years….sadly, I see several have been altered in attempt to make funnier… too bad bc the originals were better.
Marcus Lynch 2 years ago
I have to hope that most of these are made up. Otherwise the percentage of wrongfully convicted people must be astronomical!
William Jennings 5 years ago
Absurd Answers that only work in court: This is what I love about the Constitution and Laws of USA. I want to keep it that way since I'm aware of how it works and know how to use it. Here is a story. It's fiction as far as I know since it just came to me a few years ago. There was a man who was employed in a building that prohibited the possession of certain items while inside the building. He did not ever need to have one inside the building anyway, but he did need it when walking from his car to the building and then walking back to the car from the building since the sidewalks beyond his work place required having them for personal safety. One evening after dark he was on the sidewalk a few blocks away from the workplace while walking back to his car. He had to use the item. His boss at work heard about it and became inquisitive. He said that a fairy flies down and takes it when going in and gives it back when going out. It was none of the boss's business anyway.
Amy Wildling 6 years ago
" like a babbling school girl? " Really? I'm pretty sure the school girls I work with daily could do without this being used as your negative connotation of choice, author!
Vickis Smith 6 years ago
Some have been doctored but I have seen many of them enough to remember which might have been embellished; sometimes a line has been added - this isn't necessary, of course since we all could easily add an appropriate line in our own minds when the situation calls for it. I've seen some variation of the "brain on my desk" entry, but essentially they were the same.
Richard Hartman 7 years ago
If you've ever sent on a jury you've heard some s**t like this I know I have
Keith Freeman 7 years ago
What clothes was you wearing that night? I don't know. You know where the clothes you was wearing that night are? If I knew where they was I'd know what I was wearing that night... Dumb cops.
Devin Sullivan 7 years ago
I had to down vote it simply because of #62. Whoever added that is a knucklehead who clearly doesn't know that being a French Canadian is actually a thing 🤣
Jeanne Richard 7 years ago
Pretty sure that's not why they added it. It sounds like it was context of race more than nationality. Which means they were born as such or at least it could be assumed they were.
Load More Replies... Sondre Strøm Linde 7 years ago
Are any of these true at all? They sound a little too fabricated. Most people are not this quick-witted.
Janet Cooper 7 years ago
The court recorder types the questions & answers as they are being spoken in court... "Recorded As They Were Said In Court," perhaps??
Lindy Mac 5 years ago
I doubt it- I heard most of them over the years... as lawyer jokes.
Load More Replies... Christina Waide 7 years ago
Its so weird to me that there is such hatred of attorneys. I think there are a lot of people who think that they are smarter than lawyers? Or that they should have been a lawyer? I spent aaaa llllloooootttt of time in courtrooms-and have read my share of trial transcripts and these exchanges aren't even transcribed this way. First, transcripts refer to attorneys as attorneys not lawyers. These exchanges are also set up like open mics-the timing is all wrong.
Allie Orona 7 years ago
I had a lawyer once, and I'll tell you, some of them really are this stupid.
Katinka Min 7 years ago
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The sarcastic doctor - stupid attorney ones are the best. I wish there was a TV series based on them.
Lely Rahma 7 years ago
This article reminds me when I talked to my close friend whose a lawyer, he asked "do you have an adult child?" He knew exactly that I only had a 4 year-old at that time.
Auntie Em 7 years ago
Hey dummy, the words are 'friend WHO'S a lawyer', or "who is a lawyer", not "friend WHOSE a lawyer".........who's is a contraction of who is. As for 'whose' - I have a friend whose occupation is a lawyer.
Load More Replies... K. Villareal 7 years ago
I worked for lawyers and quit after a while...they truly are the scum of the earth.
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