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“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers)
Who doesn’t love a good joke? A well-timed pun with an excellent punchline that people can’t help but giggle at. Said in the right place at the right time, jokes can become pure comedy gold, which is something many people will try to retell or at least, replay in their heads every once in a while.
Members of the ‘Ask Reddit’ community recently shared jokes that live rent-free in their head, after one of them started a thread about it. Netizens recalled all sorts of jokes, from one-liners to those requiring a more extensive buildup, so if you’re eager to expand your collection of funny icebreakers or quips to tell at family get-togethers, wait no longer and scroll down to browse some amusing content on the list below.
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#1
A police officer pulls over a semi truck. He gets the usual license and registration, but hears strange noises coming from the trailer, so he decides to investigate. Inside, he finds 50 penguins.
“Sir, why do you have 50 penguins in your truck?” The officer asks the driver
“Well, they’re my friends, and we like to go on journeys together in my truck” the man replies
“I’m sorry sir, but you can’t just own 50 penguins. I’m afraid you’re going to have to take them to the zoo”
The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same cop pulls the truck over again, and once again hears strange noises in the trailer. He goes to check and finds the same 50 penguins.
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday!” The cop angrily tells the driver
“I did take them to the zoo! They loved it! Today we’re going to the beach”.
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#2
Norm told this best:
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???".
#3
An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”
The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”
Things remain the same for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender becomes concerned and asks him “how come you’re only ordering one shot? Did something happen to your brother? Is he ok?”
The Irishman replies, “of course not, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking”.
#4
It must suck having gay parents. You either get twice the normal amount of dad jokes or stuck in an endless loop of go ask your mother.
Not-a-Clue (she/her) 1 month ago
I love the story of the teen who trolled his dads by leaving a '"world's greatest dad" mug around at home and let them fight it out 😂
#5
An old man is lying on his death bed with his wife at his side. They had 3 kids but the last one, Steve, looked nothing like the first 2 so he was always suspicious. The old man looked at his wife and says: "Hunny, it doesn't matter at this point but I need to know. Is Steve my son?" His wife smiles and says: "I swear to you, he is your son". The old man then dies peacefully. Then his wife says: "thank god he didn't ask about the first 2".
#6
I was driving down the road and saw a hitchhiker. Being in a generous mood, I decided I’d give him a ride. After I picked him up and we started on down the road, he was very thankful, but said “you aren’t scared that I could be a serial k*ller or something?” So I chuckled, looked at him and said “the chances that we are both serial k*llers is probably pretty low, don’t you think?”.
#7
My friend got me an elephant for my room. I said thanks and she said, don’t mention it.
#8
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Phillope.
#9
How do you tell the difference between an electrician and a chemist?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized.".
#10
Short and sweet. A man and a young boy are walking together, deep in a creepy forest.
The young boy says: I'm scared...
The man replies: I'm the one who has to walk back alone...
#11
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said “beautiful shirt“.
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.“.
#12
There's this guy, Dave who absolutely hates going to the doctor. Luckily for him, his brother Henry is a veterinarian. So anytime Dave is sick, he tells Henry and Henry will say "look I'm not a doctor but here is what I would do and the medicines I would take".
One day Dave breaks his leg so he calls up his brother and tells Henry he broke his leg. Henry is quiet for a bit and then says "Dave, I've got bad news".
#13
I couldn't work out why the ball was getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
#14
How do you make holy water? Easy. Just boil the hell out of it.
#16
An old preacher, a renowned scholar, a rich businessman, and a young boy were riding on a small plane.
The engine fails and the pilot tells the passengers: "We're going down, but we only have 4 parachutes. One of us will have to stay, but it ain't gonna be me!" He grabs a parachute and jumps.
The scholar gets out of his seat and says, "I'm too smart to die!". He also grabs a parachute and jumps.
Once the businessman sees this, he says, "I'm too rich to die!". He grabs the third parachute and jumps.
The preacher looks at the young boy and says, "I've lived a long life, but you're still young. Take the last parachute and live."
The boy responds, "Thank you sir, that's very kind of you. But we can both survive."
Confused, the preacher asks, "What do you mean? We only have one parachute left."
To which the boy responds, "Before the scholar jumped, he grabbed my backpack.".
#17
A grocer is restocking the vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says “Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the spinach?” The man replies “Well ma’am we’re out of spinach today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then.”
The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks “Sir, I was wondering where I could find the spinach?” Confused, the grocer says “Well ma’am we are out of spinach today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow.”
The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks “Pardon me, but do you know where the spinach is?”
The grocer looks at her angrily and says “Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman replies “D-O-G” “Okay” says the grocer. “Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?” “C-A-T” says the woman. “Perfect” the grocer replies. “Now how do you spell f**k, as in spinach?” She replies, "sure, F - U - ... wait a sec ... there is no f**k in spinach.”
The grocer says “THAT’S THE POINT LADY!".
#18
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a*s.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a*s.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 month ago
As a recovering Catholic, I might actually go to this sermon!!!
#19
NSFW but hilarious…
A penguin has his car break down and takes it in to get serviced on a hot summer’s day. While he’s waiting, he notices an ice cream parlor across the street. He heads over and gets a nice, big, vanilla ice cream cone and sits on the curb and eats it.
Since it’s so hot outside, it melts a bit and gets all over the place, especially around his beak.
Just then the mechanic calls to him and says his car is ready.
He heads inside, where the mechanic tells him, “looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin responds, “oh, no, it’s just a little ice cream.”.
#20
What do you call a magical dog?
A Labracadabrador.
That joke makes me chuckle every time it passes through my brain.
#21
Knock knock
Hike.
Hike who?
Unsuspecting friend.
I await with baited breath.
Sets the perfect trap.
#22
What do dark humor and food have in common?
Not everybody gets it.
#23
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tell him "Sorry, we don't serve strings here. Get out."
The string walks out and unravels one end of himself and ties himself up a few times and walks back in and orders a drink. The bartender says "Aren't you the string that was just in here?"
The string replies >!"No, I'm a frayed knot"!<
Heard this joke probably 23 years ago. Still love it and tell it to people.
#24
A guy from the city is out driving in the country.
He passes a farm and sees the farmer holding a pig up, so the pig can eat apples out of an apple tree. The city slicker has never seen anything like that, so he stops, hops the fence and approaches the farmer.
"What in the world are you doing?" the city slicker asks.
"Holdin' up mah pig, so he can eat apples out tha tree," the farmer says.
"Why not shake the tree, and let your pig eat the apples off the ground?" the city slicker says. "Wouldn't that save a lot of time?"
"Well," the farmer says, "What's time to a pig?".
#25
What's the difference between a dirty transit hub and a lobster who's had plastic surgery? One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
Brittania Kelli 1 month ago
What's the difference between Mary Poppins and Ghandi? One is supercalifraglisticexpialidocious and the other is a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-with-extreme-halitosis.
#26
So many years ago I was shopping for groceries and standing in the aisle with the honey and syrup. An older gentleman casually walked up to me and said, "What's the hardest part of licking molasses? Spreading their little cheeks." Then he walked off.....funny joke and random encounter 10/10.
Der Kommissar 1 month ago
Have you ever smelled mothballs? if so, how do you get their tiny legs apart?
#27
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
GhostlySnail (she/her) 1 month ago
There’s a whole kids comic book series based off this one pun, they’re actually really good
#28
One of my go to's I actually found on here a while back:
What's brown, and rhymes with snoop?
Dr dre.
#29
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the dumb guys house.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
It's the chicken.
Eric Williams 1 month ago
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f.....g wanted to. That's the f.....g reason. RONALD REAGAN: I forgot. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into que
#30
I actually just heard it today.
Jeffrey Dalmer ate Five Guys before it was even a restaurant.
What do you think ?
Meta Veldkamp 1 month ago
How do you call a moose with no naam, anonymoose
Load More Replies...
Tobias Reaper 1 month ago
A: Knock Knock B: whos there A: interupting cow B: interupting co.... A: MOOOO
Lez Be Honest 1 month ago
This is my favorite joke in the whole world!!! I laugh like crazy every time I tell it!
Load More Replies...
Jessica Scott 1 month ago
One my dad told me that I always loved (yes we're a twisted family): What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver? WHACK... Damn! Damn... WHACK.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 month ago
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck! I tried to childproof my house, but they keep getting in!
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 month ago
The cemetery is so crowded, but people are still dying to get in!
Load More Replies...
Papa 1 month ago
An older gentleman was working out at the gym with his trainer. An attractive young woman happened to walk by, and the old man asked his trainer "What machine should I use to impress that young lady?" The trainer looked at the old man, then looked at the young lady, and then looked back at the old man, and said "I'd recommend the ATM in the lobby."
BookFanatic 1 month ago
I've got a couple. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. What happened when the blue ship crashed into the red ship? All the sailors were marooned. I also know a score of dirty jokes, but I'll keep it clean.
reuben kift 1 month ago (edited)
Why can't my bicycle stand up by itself? Because, it is two-tired.
McTrash (They/them) 1 month ago
What do you get when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?
Jimmy Cornillez 1 month ago
A guy walks into a bar and says ouch. Two guys walk into a bar. You figure after the first guy hit it the 2nd guy would've ducked.
Der Kommissar 1 month ago (edited)
What's brown and sticky? a stick. what is red and is bad for your teeth? a flying brick
char 1 month ago
what are the strongest days of the week? saturday and sunday, all the others are weekdays.
char 1 month ago
one of my favorite childhood memories was building sandcastles with my grandpa. then my mom took the urn away.
Load More Replies...
Montanavanna 1 month ago
Why can't a lesbian go on a diet and wear make up at the same time? Cuz you can't eat Jenny Craig when you got Mary Kay on your face..baddum tss..this might be a joke for people above a certain age but I have always loved it
Richard Graham 1 month ago (edited)
What do you get when you cross a Mafia Don with an Interpretive Dancer? Someone who will make you an offer you don't understand.
Not-a-Clue (she/her) 1 month ago
Some funny one and quite a lot that were meh or totally pointless. A few I didn't get at all, and I think are possibly culturally or language specific.
Meta Veldkamp 1 month ago
A cricket goes into a bar and the bartender says: we have a drink named after you. An the cricket says: you have a drink named Steve???
DeZeCrATioN 1 month ago
What do a necrophi|iac and an alcoholic have in common? Both like to crack open a cold one :)
Amy Roberts 1 month ago
And when we tell them, let’s just include some more female characters and get rid of the masculine neutral??
René Sauer 1 month ago
Too bad my favorites are build on german language and are thus hard to translate.
Ugh, do I have to? 4 days ago
A rabbi, an imam, and a minister walk into a bar. "What is this," asks the bartender, "some kind of joke?"
Dl B 1 month ago
There is a bakery that has a very small floor space so they store the baked goods on high shelves along the wall. They hired a young woman with very short skirts to be the cashier. One day a man came in for some raisin bread. She had to get the ladder, bring it over to the proper shelf and climb all the way to the top to get the raisin bread. The man was enjoying watching her, in her short skirts climb up there. As she was coming down another man came in. He saw was happening and decided he needed some raisin bread. After she went and got the second guy his loaf he decided he needed a second loaf. As she was at the top of the ladder an old man with a cane came shuffling in. The girl thought she could save some time and effort. She yelled from the top of ladder to the old man "Is yours raisin too" He replied "No, but it is wigglin' some"
Josh David Whitmore 1 month ago
I asked my doctor what is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer. He said, "The taste."
Meta Veldkamp 1 month ago
How do you call a moose with no naam, anonymoose
Load More Replies... Tobias Reaper 1 month ago
A: Knock Knock B: whos there A: interupting cow B: interupting co.... A: MOOOO
Lez Be Honest 1 month ago
This is my favorite joke in the whole world!!! I laugh like crazy every time I tell it!
Load More Replies... Jessica Scott 1 month ago
One my dad told me that I always loved (yes we're a twisted family): What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver? WHACK... Damn! Damn... WHACK.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 month ago
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck! I tried to childproof my house, but they keep getting in!
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 month ago
The cemetery is so crowded, but people are still dying to get in!
Load More Replies... Papa 1 month ago
An older gentleman was working out at the gym with his trainer. An attractive young woman happened to walk by, and the old man asked his trainer "What machine should I use to impress that young lady?" The trainer looked at the old man, then looked at the young lady, and then looked back at the old man, and said "I'd recommend the ATM in the lobby."
BookFanatic 1 month ago
I've got a couple. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. What happened when the blue ship crashed into the red ship? All the sailors were marooned. I also know a score of dirty jokes, but I'll keep it clean.
reuben kift 1 month ago (edited)
Why can't my bicycle stand up by itself? Because, it is two-tired.
McTrash (They/them) 1 month ago
What do you get when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?
Jimmy Cornillez 1 month ago
A guy walks into a bar and says ouch. Two guys walk into a bar. You figure after the first guy hit it the 2nd guy would've ducked.
Der Kommissar 1 month ago (edited)
What's brown and sticky? a stick. what is red and is bad for your teeth? a flying brick
char 1 month ago
what are the strongest days of the week? saturday and sunday, all the others are weekdays.
char 1 month ago
one of my favorite childhood memories was building sandcastles with my grandpa. then my mom took the urn away.
Load More Replies... Montanavanna 1 month ago
Why can't a lesbian go on a diet and wear make up at the same time? Cuz you can't eat Jenny Craig when you got Mary Kay on your face..baddum tss..this might be a joke for people above a certain age but I have always loved it
Richard Graham 1 month ago (edited)
What do you get when you cross a Mafia Don with an Interpretive Dancer? Someone who will make you an offer you don't understand.
Not-a-Clue (she/her) 1 month ago
Some funny one and quite a lot that were meh or totally pointless. A few I didn't get at all, and I think are possibly culturally or language specific.
Meta Veldkamp 1 month ago
A cricket goes into a bar and the bartender says: we have a drink named after you. An the cricket says: you have a drink named Steve???
DeZeCrATioN 1 month ago
What do a necrophi|iac and an alcoholic have in common? Both like to crack open a cold one :)
Amy Roberts 1 month ago
And when we tell them, let’s just include some more female characters and get rid of the masculine neutral??
René Sauer 1 month ago
Too bad my favorites are build on german language and are thus hard to translate.
Ugh, do I have to? 4 days ago
A rabbi, an imam, and a minister walk into a bar. "What is this," asks the bartender, "some kind of joke?"
Dl B 1 month ago
There is a bakery that has a very small floor space so they store the baked goods on high shelves along the wall. They hired a young woman with very short skirts to be the cashier. One day a man came in for some raisin bread. She had to get the ladder, bring it over to the proper shelf and climb all the way to the top to get the raisin bread. The man was enjoying watching her, in her short skirts climb up there. As she was coming down another man came in. He saw was happening and decided he needed some raisin bread. After she went and got the second guy his loaf he decided he needed a second loaf. As she was at the top of the ladder an old man with a cane came shuffling in. The girl thought she could save some time and effort. She yelled from the top of ladder to the old man "Is yours raisin too" He replied "No, but it is wigglin' some"
Josh David Whitmore 1 month ago
I asked my doctor what is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer. He said, "The taste."
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