Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app

Continue in app Continue in browser

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They’re Hilarious To Read (171 Answers)

#1

A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?" To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer." Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. 6 weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together." The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?" To which Peter replies, "Jesus Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

PoetBilly Report

34points

Buren 2 years ago

What??? Does he mean I have to keep my shitty job in heaven???

5points

View more comments

RELATED:

#2

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the p is silent.

10ofClubs Report

31points

Nenya 2 years ago

Hahaa, almost eed my ants😁

2points

View more comments

#3

The Australian Approach. A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! 'What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4' The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no.. he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

22points

Iconic 2 years ago

And so you see.... this man was always working hard and someone didn't believe in him

3points

View more comments

ADVERTISEMENT

#4

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

21points

Headless Roach 2 years ago

You see, grammar police? There is no difference between "you're" and "your" 🙃

6points

View more comments

#5

A Texan walks into a bar in Ireland and lays down a thousand dollars. He announces to the bar, "Anyone who can drink six pints of Guinness in a row wins the cash." No one responds to the man and says there are no real drinkers in Ireland. One man stands up and leaves the bar and comes back twenty minutes later. He asks the Texan if anyone has completed the challenge and the Texan says no. So he asks the bar tender to set up six pints of Guinness and he downs them one after the other. The Texan pays the man but has to ask, "Where did you go for twenty minutes?" The Irishman replies, "To the pub up the street to see if I could do it, first."

ErroneousEric Report

21points

Tom Blair 1 year ago

cheers!

1point

ADVERTISEMENT

#6

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

19points

le_smol_froge 2 years ago

Haha

2points

#7

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a hardware problem.

caffiend2 Report

18points

Headless Roach 2 years ago

Have you tried removing the bulb and putting it back in again?

6points

View More Replies...

View more comments

#8

One day 3 people were stuck on an island with cannibals. The cannibals said, "If you do what we say, we wont kill you." So the 3 people followed the orders the cannibals. So the cannibals said, "Go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of the first fruit you see." So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. The cannibals said, "Put the apples up your a*s without making a facial expression." The person then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him. The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. The cannibals said, "Put the cherries up your butt without making a facial expression." The person then started laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him. In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries "Why did you start laughing?" The person replied, "I saw the third person come out with pineapples."

racer_ohms Report

18points

JoyfulZebra 2 years ago

😬

3points

View more comments

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

#9

Two bacteria walk into a bar, the bartender say "We don't serve your kind here." The bacteria respond, "No its okay we're staph."

brosefballin Report

18points

DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago

I like this one. Lol. Reminds me of our plant biology teacher at uni, before every class he'd share a far side comic. Dr. Barclay, awesome guy.

8points

View More Replies...

View more comments

#10

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) One atom says to another, "I think someone stole my electron!" Second atom asks, "Are you sure?" First replies, "Yes! I'm positive!"

Tusularah Report

16points

#11

How many sound engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, two.

VinceBlack Report

16points

memeju1ce 2 years ago

ok i’m gonna need an explanation for this one

2points

View More Replies...

View more comments

#12

"An old lady in front of me at the ATM asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over."

transmota Report

15points

DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago

I'd say she has poor balance.

3points

#13

"So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like 'You have GOT to stop masturbating!' And I was like 'Oh no Doc! Why?!?' And he said 'Because I'm trying to examine you!'"

14points

Iconic 2 years ago

I CAN'T😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

2points

View more comments

ADVERTISEMENT

#14

The people of Dubai don't get to watch the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.

badbadman2 Report

14points

jsgriffith 2 years ago

Both peoples are between Iraq and a hard place.

2points

#15

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) There are two goldfish in a tank; one turns to the other and says "You man the guns and I'll drive."

reddit.com Report

14points

DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago (edited)

Hahahaha but "you ain't got no legs Lt. Dan" came to mind.

4points

#16

"I just got a call from a charity asking me if I wanted to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to go away. Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving."

bartstarr Report

14points

DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago

Why wouldn't they ask for food instead?

6points

View More Replies...

View more comments

#17

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a**hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!" The boy replied, "No way??? Who did she play for?"

14points

Bug 2 years ago

Love it.

1point

ADVERTISEMENT

#18

A fireman runs into a classroom with a screw driver and shouts "Everyone get out, now. This is not a drill"

ignoramusaurus Report

14points

#19

A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"

14points

Nenya 2 years ago

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says “Is this stool taken?”

6points

#20

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

14points

#21

Two Newfoundland fishermen, Robert and Peter, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Robert turns to Peter and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.Tomorrow I think I'll go the community college, and sign up for some classes." Peter agrees that it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Robert goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, english, history and logic. "Logic?" Robert says. "What's that?The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a lawn mower?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a lawn mower, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heteros**ual." "I am a heteros**ual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that, because I have a lawn mower." Excited to take the class now, Robert shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Peter at the bar. He tells Peter about his classes, how he is signed up for math, english, history and logic. "Logic?" Peter says, "What's that?" Robert says, "I'll show you. Do you have a lawn mower?" "No." "Then you're gay."

reddit.com Report

13points

Trophy Husband 2 years ago

I don't own a lawn mower, but I do own a house...

2points

View more comments

ADVERTISEMENT

#22

How do you tell the differences between an oral and rectal thermometer?

By the taste.

buba1243 Report

13points

Vic 2 years ago

wait! you guys can taste with your a*s?

1point

View more comments

#23

A man is talking to his doctor. Doc says "I'm afraid you have cancer and you have alzheimers." The man replies "Well at least I don't have cancer!"

reddit.com Report

13points

I think I’m hilarious 2 years ago

Sad

1point

#24

"Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"

"To."

"To who?"

"To WHOM."

ckcornflake Report

13points

Buren 2 years ago

Goddammit, police everywhere.

2points

#25

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) "When I die, I'd like to go quietly and in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not yelling and screaming like his passengers."

h_factor Report

13points

Vix Spiderthrust 2 years ago

A Bob Monkhouse classic.

3points

#26

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says to the worker "Make me one with everything."

TheEliVance Report

13points

Lawrencium 2 years ago

When he asked for his change, he was told "change comes from within."

4points

View more comments

ADVERTISEMENT

#27

Child 1: "Dad why did you name me Rose?"

Dad: "When you were a baby a rose fell on your head."

Child 2: "Dad why did you name me Daisy?"

Dad: "When you were a baby a daisy fell on your head."

Child 3: "Urghhhdsargahgr."

Dad: "Shut up Fridge."

reddit.com Report

12points

Tinykame 2 years ago

Oh no

4points

#28

"My friends think I'm really condescending. That means I talk down to people."

ggggbabybabybaby Report

12points

DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago

I thought condescending just meant going somewhere without walking down stairs or down hill.....get it....con(spanish)descend.....get it....I'll show myself out. Lol

4points

View more comments

#29

An English man, an Irish man and a Scots man walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says "Is this some kind of joke?"

Eulenspiegel74 Report

12points

#30

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says "Hey, did you hear about that outbreak of Mad Cow Disease? I heard that it mainly affects cows and it makes us go insane!" The second cow replies "Good thing I'm a helicopter."

crimsonandred88 Report

12points

DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago

Reminds me of an old Billy Connolly joke about Wildebeest not knowing they're Wildebeests "for there are no mirrors in the Serengeti"

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#31

What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

12points

le_smol_froge 2 years ago

Why do I love this so much

3points

#32

Two nuns are driving down the road when a vampire jumps on the hood of their car. The first nun yells "Quick! Show him your cross!" So the second nun looks at the vampire and then yells "Hey! Get off our car!"

laurasaurus Report

11points

#33

A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry but we don't serve food here."

reddit.com Report

11points

DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago

It's alright, he's just a snack.

1point

#34

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) "Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just don't know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor..."

11points

#35

A Burglar breaks into a home at night, it's completely dark, and as he walks down the hall he hear's "Jesus is watching." Stiffening, he remains completely still, and when he hears nothing more, he once again begins sneaking down the hall. After a few steps he again hears, "Jesus is watching," this time he's had enough and snaps on his flashlight. Upon shining it around the room, all he sees is a parrot. Relieved, he walks up to the parrot and says, "What's your name little bird?" The parrot replies, "Moses." "Moses?" says the burglar, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" To which the parrot replies, "The same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."

11points

ADVERTISEMENT

#36

A newspaper asked people around the world, "What is your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?" Western Europe said, "What do you mean by shortage?" Eastern Europe said, "What do you mean by opinion?" Africa said, "What do you mean by food?" The U.S. said, "What do you mean by the rest of the world?"

brownboy13 Report

11points

#37

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Microwave it until it's Bill Withers.

Dalai_Loafer Report

11points

K W 2 years ago

This is so awful I can't help but applaud it.

1point

View more comments

#38

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

badcomment Report

11points

Headless Roach 2 years ago

You guys can hear carrots?

5points

View More Replies...

View more comments

#39

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhino?

Elephino.

11points

CelticElff 2 years ago

(hint: the answer wounds a lot like "Hell if I know")

3points

View More Replies...

View more comments

#40

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is on the balcony with Dave?"

10points

ADVERTISEMENT

#41

The KGB and CIA get together one day and decide that they will decide the fates of their two agencies with a dogfight. An agreement is made to reconvene in six years with each country's most vicious dog for the decisive fight. The KGB quickly scoured the country for the most vicious and brutal dogs, selectively breeding them into the perfect dog. Rottweilers, pit bulls, mastiffs, they bred them all. At the end of the six years, they ended up with a dog more ferocious than any the world had ever seen - so vicious, that they had to bring it to the fight housed in a steel cage with six-inch thick bars. Imagine the KGB's surprise, then, when the Americans show up with a docile looking dachshund. Laughs are had, and the fight quickly commences, the KGB fully expecting it to be over within a matter of seconds. Sure enough, after the first few seconds, the dachshund opens up an unbelievably massive jaw and swallows the KGB's dog whole. Shocked, one of the KGB bystanders groaned, "We had our best breeders and scientists perfecting that dog for the last six years. It is not possible that there existed a more perfect fighting dog." His CIA counterpart snickered for a moment, then responded, "I know. That's why we had our best plastic surgeons spend the last six years figuring out how to make a crocodile look like a dachshund."

10points

ADVERTISEMENT

#42

Why did the alzheimers patient cross the road?

Six. One to hold the lightbulb, and five to rotate the ladder he's standing on.

lilgreenrosetta Report

10points

#43

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Um, it's a pretty obscure number, I'm not sure you would know it."

10points

#44

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

kowabungo Report

10points

jsgriffith 2 years ago

So is a turd.

0points

#45

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) What did the fish say when he swam into the cement wall?

"Dam."

winterchil Report

10points

DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago (edited)

I used to work on a fish farm and we had to harvest the fish from round tanks with nets. So three persons would hold the rectangular next and walk across the tank to corner the fish. No one wanted to be the middle guy because the fishes, which were pretty big, would jump when they saw the net closing in and basically hit you all over the body....even in some unfortunate areas. Not related but just wanted to share that experience if anyone is ever in that situation and can relate.

8points

View More Replies...

View more comments

#46

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did... today I'm taking them to the beach!"

reddit.com Report

10points

ADVERTISEMENT

#47

A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." Grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"

marviemundullo Report

10points

#48

A magician was walking down the street. Then he turned into a grocery store.

delicious_sandwich Report

10points

Bug 2 years ago

That's so bad I actually laughed.

1point

#49

Two vicars pass by each other on their bikes every Sunday headed for their sermons. One Sunday, the first vicar sees the other one without his bike. "Where is your bike?" asks the first vicar. "I fear one of the members of my congregation may have stolen it and I don't know what to do." replies the second. "I'll tell you what to do" offers the first vicar. "Give your sermon on the Ten Commandments and, when you get to 'Thou shalt not steal', look around your flock and you'll find your thief." "That sounds like a plan." Concludes the second. The two vicars part ways and next Sunday, the two vicars meet again, both with their bikes. "I see you have your bike back." Says the first vicar. "Did you take my advice?" he asks. "I certainly did." Informs the second. "Did you find your thief when you got to 'Thou shalt not steal'?" asks the first. "I didn't make it that far." Says the second vicar. "I made it to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and I remembered where I left my bike."

Grave_Rose Report

10points

ADVERTISEMENT

#50

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop.

buckeyeb Report

10points

#51

Old Paddy is at the bar and he's in one of his drink until everything is forgotten stages. The bartender continually tells him he's had enough and to go home. Finally after several last calls, Paddy declares "I'm going home", promptly falls off his high bar stool and drags himself to the door. He hails a cab while face down on the curb, manages to open the door and drag himself from his sprawled position into the backseat. The cabby drives him home with Paddy singing nonsensical music to himself the whole way. Paddy rolls out of the cab manages to drunkenly flop his way across the lawn, gets the front door half open and passes out. The next day because the bartender is also a good friend he checks on Paddy, and seeing him lying on his back in the doorway says, "Paddy, you were drunk last night weren't you?" Paddy replies, "Yes, but I didn't think I was that drunk, how did you know?" To which the bartender replies, "You left your wheelchair at the bar".

reddingAtHome Report

9points

Bug 2 years ago

That's not right, but made me lmao 😂

1point

ADVERTISEMENT

#52

Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Boy, it sure is hot in here." The other screams "EEEK! A talking muffin!"

9points

#53

"There are 2 things that I regret most in my life. 1. How many times I screwed up. 2. Naming my dog "Up"."

yoble101 Report

9points

le_smol_froge 2 years ago

OH NO OH NO OH NO

3points

#54

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightblub?

Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

mrgreenfur Report

9points

JoyfulZebra 2 years ago

What does a surrealist magician say after he performs his trick? Dada!

3points

#55

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

9points

DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago

Awww...poor doggo.

2points

#56

An old man is sitting at a bus stop when a young punk comes up and waits near him, you know the type - leather jacket, spikes, piercings, and to top it off a multicolored triple mohawk. The old man stares at the kid for a while until the kid finally gets uncomfortable and says "What's your problem old man, why are you staring at me, haven't you ever done something crazy before?" The old man replies quickly, "Well, when I was younger I got drunk and make love with a peacock... was just wondering if you were my son."

9points

ADVERTISEMENT

#57

Want to hear the joke about the broken pencil?

Nevermind, it's pointless.

reddit.com Report

9points

#58

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, the other's a pause at the end of a clause.

9points

#59

Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome. One says breathlessly, "I've never come this way before!" to which the other replies, "It's the cobblestones."

8points

le_smol_froge 2 years ago

OH NOOOO

0points

#60

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) How many alzheimers patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side!

tehPwnerer46 Report

8points

DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago

Lightbulb who?

3points

View More Replies...

View more comments

#61

Why does Snoop carry toilet paper?

Fo Shizzle.

onthevergejoe Report

8points

ADVERTISEMENT

#62

A man walks into a bar with a monkey in tow. The man sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him a beer and watches the man's monkey run around along the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut and swallows it whole, then grabs a slice a lime and swallows that whole. Finally, the monkey jumps onto a pool table, grabs the cue ball and manages to shove it in his mouth then swallow it whole as well. The bartender asks the man, "You see what your monkey's done?" The man looks up from his beer and says, "No... what's he done now?" The bartender tells the man and the man apologizes, pays for the damage done and leaves with his monkey. The bartender doesn't see the man at the bar for a month, but the man does return with the same monkey in tow. The man asks for a beer, and the bartender obliges. The monkey proceeds to jump up on the bar, grabs a cherry, shoves it up his butt then takes it out and swallows it whole. The bartender says to the man, "You see what your monkey's done?!" The man looks up from his beer and says, "No... what's he done now?" The bartender tells him and the man replies, "Yeah, he does that now... after the cue ball he checks to make sure he can get it out before he swallows it."

8points

ADVERTISEMENT

#63

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

sicpshader Report

8points

#64

What is E.T. short for?

He's got little tiny legs

jesuispie Report

8points

ADVERTISEMENT

#65

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) Guy walks into the docter's office. "Doc, I got an unusual problem," he says. "Well, tell me about it," says the doc. "Doc, I... I have 5 organs..." says the guy. "My God, man," the doctor exclaims, "How do your pants fit?" The guy turns, puts on sunglasses, and says, "Like a glove."

8points

Lawrencium 2 years ago

?

1point

View more comments

#66

A Scientist, a Businessman, a Preacher and a boyscout are on a plane. The plane begins to go down and the pilots take two of the five parachutes. The Buisnessman jumps out of his seat, grabs a parachute and screams, "I manage the world's economy, the world needs me" before bailing out of the plane. The Scientist then jumps up, shouting, "I'm the smartest man in the world, the world needs me" before bailing out of the plane. The preacher turns to the boyscout saying, "I've lived a long and fruitful life son, I want you to take the last parachute." Smiling, the boyscout says, "That's ok, the smartest man in the world just took my boyscout backpack."

8points

ADVERTISEMENT

#67

The day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Smith a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr. Smith, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr Smith asked for the bad news first. "We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "We found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning." "Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Smith. "What's the good news?" "When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "She had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her." "What?" a confused Mr Smith exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?" The officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

monkeytorture Report

7points

#68

A nurse walks into a bank to deposit her pay check. She reaches into her purse to pull out a pen to sign her check. To her dismay, she pulls out a rectal thermometer. In frustration, she throws her arms up and shouts, "Oh, great! Someone has my pen!"

7points

Vix Spiderthrust 2 years ago

No. The punchline is "Some arsehole has my pen".

14points

View More Replies...

View more comments

ADVERTISEMENT

#69

Three fathers are waiting in the hallway of a maternity ward as their wives are in their respective rooms, in labor. After a few minutes, a nurse comes out of one room and turns to the first man and says "Congratulations! Your wife gave birth to lovely, healthy twins!" The man is overjoyed and laughs and says "What a coincidence! My wife and work in the twin city." A minute or two later another nurse comes out, turns to the second man and says "Congratulations! Your wife just gave birth to lovely, healthy triplets!" The man is shocked, but pleased and laughs and says, "That's funny! I work for AAA!" The third man looks terribly pale, stands up, starts to walk towards the door and faints. Doctors run over to him. He comes to and they ask what's wrong, and he says "Dear God! I work for 7-up!!"

guavainindia Report

7points

#70

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) An Irishman walks out of a bar.

aenigma42 Report

7points

Bug 2 years ago

Wait, what, Why????

0points

ADVERTISEMENT

#71

"A homeless man once said that he would tell me the funniest joke of all time if I gave him a dollar. I gave him one, and he produced this joke. Then I gave him another dollar."

reddit.com Report

7points

#72

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more. The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.” Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and the other in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.” The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way… ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me… I’ve quit drinking!”

7points

ADVERTISEMENT

#73

"I've got a great knock-knock joke, but you have to start it."

"OK. Knock-knock."

"Who's there?"

"... ..."

propagationofsound Report

7points

#74

2 old men were walking down the street when they see a dog licking his own butt. One old man looks at the other and says "Damn, I wish that I could do that!" The other old man looks back and says "That dog would bite you!"

7points

#75

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) Has eyes but can't see. Has wings but can't fly. Has a beak but can't sing. What is it?

A dead bird.

7points

#76

Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one of them was a salted.

kabukistar Report

7points

Bug 2 years ago

No no, say it ain't so 😔🙄

0points

#77

After finishing cake and ice cream, Obi Wan hands Luke his first birthday gift. Just before he can open it, Vader shouts "It's a Millenium Falcon action figure!" Obi Wan throws a disapproving look at Vader. Luke tears off the wrapping paper to find a Millenium Falcon action figure. He looks to Vader and asks "How did you know?" The sith lord takes two long Vader breaths before replying, "...I felt your presents."

7points

ADVERTISEMENT

#78

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself." "What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated. "Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?" "Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

Wiebelhaus Report

7points

#79

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) What did the pig say while standing in the hot sun?

"I'm bacon!"

thisischri5 Report

7points

Bug 2 years ago

Yum yum 😋 😋

0points

#80

An octopus walks into a bar and see's a band playing in the corner. He walks up and says "I'm the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like." So the English guy goes "Alright then. Play this" and hands him a guitar. The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar. The Irishman says "Okay, how about this?" and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never before - Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever. Finally, a Scotsman says "Alright, let's see ya play this then" and hands him a set of bagpipes. The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. Couple more minutes and he's still struggling and there's no sound coming out. Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says "Oh, so can you not play it then?" And the octopus says "Play it? I'm gonna f**k her when I get her pyjamas off."

melaquiades Report

6points

ADVERTISEMENT

#81

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears to be black from here."

6points

#82

A termite walks into a bar, taps on the counter and says "Hey, where's the bartender?"

6points

#83

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

For drizzle.

reddit.com Report

6points

#84

A blond, brunette and red-head are sitting in the waiting area of their OB/GYN's office. As they were making small talk, the brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy because he was on top." The red-head then says, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on top." The blond (mortified) suddenly starts crying. The other women (concerned) ask her what's wrong and through her tears says, "I'm going to have puppies!"

TheOffMan Report

6points

ADVERTISEMENT

#85

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) A horse walks into a bar and the bartender shouts: "Hey, hey you, why the long face?" and the horse says: "I have leukemia."

winterchil Report

6points

Libstak 2 years ago

How is this funny?

2points

View More Replies...

View more comments

#86

Why does a Scotsman wear a kilt?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

reddit.com Report

6points

#87

What did the verb say to the noun?

"I'd ask you to conjugate, but I'm afraid you'd decline."

Willis13579 Report

6points

le_smol_froge 2 years ago

As a Latin student, this one is painful

1point

#88

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but it has to really WANT to change.

ParadoxicalPenguin Report

6points

#89

A guy walks into a bar with his pet giraffe and they start having a few drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool table and the man decides its time to go home. As the man is leaving, hes apporached by the bartender who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?" "Hmph," says the man, "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe."

reno1051 Report

6points

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

Dutch Swimmer Goes Viral For Super Revealing Trunks During 2024 Olympics: “Is This Legal?”

Dutch Swimmer Goes Viral For Super Revealing Trunks During 2024 Olympics: “Is This Legal?”

Dutch Swimmer Goes Viral For Super Revealing Trunks During 2024 Olympics: “Is This Legal?”

Thrill-Seeking Diver Jumps Down Extreme Waterslide, Ignoring The Strict Ban For Women

Thrill-Seeking Diver Jumps Down Extreme Waterslide, Ignoring The Strict Ban For Women

Thrill-Seeking Diver Jumps Down Extreme Waterslide, Ignoring The Strict Ban For Women

#90

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference between hypothetically and realistically. He asked his dad for help. "Go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mailman for $1,000,000," his Dad said. He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes". "Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question." He did and came back and said, "She said yes too". So dad said, "Hypothetically we're millionaires, realistically we're living with two whores."

monkeytorture Report

5points

#91

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her. "Would you have s*x with me for 10 million dollars?" Without skipping a beat she screams "Yes!" The man then asks "What about for $20?" She looks at him sideways and says "What do you think I am, a whore?" The man says "We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

reddit.com Report

5points

Vix Spiderthrust 2 years ago

George Bernard Shaw.

0points

View more comments

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

Woman Put A Water Fountain With A Camera In Her Yard, Here Are 24 Photos Of Regular Visitors (New Pics)

Woman Put A Water Fountain With A Camera In Her Yard, Here Are 24 Photos Of Regular Visitors (New Pics)

Woman Put A Water Fountain With A Camera In Her Yard, Here Are 24 Photos Of Regular Visitors (New Pics)

“Ma’am I Live Here”: Woman Refuses To Back Out Of Driveway, Learns A Lesson The Hard Way

“Ma’am I Live Here”: Woman Refuses To Back Out Of Driveway, Learns A Lesson The Hard Way

“Ma’am I Live Here”: Woman Refuses To Back Out Of Driveway, Learns A Lesson The Hard Way

#92

What do you call a nun on a bike?

Virgin Mobile!

chrissycapstick Report

5points

#93

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings the beer and the neutron goes to pay him, but the bartender stops him and says, "For you? No charge."

reddit.com Report

5points

#94

A superconductor enters a bar, the bartender says "Superconductors aren't welcome here". The superconductor leaves without any resistance.

5points

#95

So this old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn. He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast a possible. The man walks up to the boy and says "You know son, its really not healthy to eat all that candy." The kid looks up at him and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old." The man replies "Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?" The kid looks at him and says "No, but he minded his own f**king business."

dudleymooresbooze Report

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

50 Of The Most Incredible Shots That Were Submitted To The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards

50 Of The Most Incredible Shots That Were Submitted To The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards

50 Of The Most Incredible Shots That Were Submitted To The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards

French Diver’s “Jewels” In Tight Swimming Trunks Become Talk Of The Town At Olympics

French Diver’s “Jewels” In Tight Swimming Trunks Become Talk Of The Town At Olympics

French Diver’s “Jewels” In Tight Swimming Trunks Become Talk Of The Town At Olympics

#96

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) A bear walks into a bar and orders "A pint of....... lager please", the bar man replies "Why the big pause?"

queBurro Report

5points

#97

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, "What is it?" "Well," says his agent, "It’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "You’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening." The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, Hark, I hear the cannons roar, Hark, I hear the cannons roar." He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!" So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m Hark I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re Hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on." He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m Hark, I hear the cannons roar." "You’re Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up." He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FREAK WAS THAT?"

Thornsten Report

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

Woman Moves Out Of Parents' Home After They Asked Her To Give Her Space To Brother, They Freak Out

Woman Moves Out Of Parents' Home After They Asked Her To Give Her Space To Brother, They Freak Out

Woman Moves Out Of Parents' Home After They Asked Her To Give Her Space To Brother, They Freak Out

Mom Leaves $250k Inheritance To Son, Throws A Fit When Daughter Stops Looking After Her

Mom Leaves $250k Inheritance To Son, Throws A Fit When Daughter Stops Looking After Her

Mom Leaves $250k Inheritance To Son, Throws A Fit When Daughter Stops Looking After Her

#98

A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange." The second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK. Then I DEFINITELY pooped my pants."

5points

#99

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight... let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…that’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “Good,” she replied…. “So get your own blanket.”

After a moment of silence… he farted.

ToDropOutOrNot Report

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

#100

The FBI, CIA, and LAPD are having a contest to see who the best agency is. their plan is to release a white rabbit into the forest and whoever catches it the fastest is declared the winner. The CIA goes in 1st and is in the forest for 2 weeks and when they come out they dont have the rabbit, they say the rabbit doesnt exist. The FBI go in next, they are in there for 3 days and they burn half the forest down in the process and when they come out without the rabbit they say "The rabbit is dead and he deserved it." So the LAPD are last up and they are in the forest for 3 hours but they come back dragging a brown bear all beat up and bloodied screaming "All right, all right I'm rabbit, I'm rabbit!"

5points

#101

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre.

Konceptz Report

5points

le_smol_froge 2 years ago

Wow

0points

#102

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What's grey? A melted penguin.

What's green and fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.

winterchil Report

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

#103

What's pink and slippery?

A slipper.

hotdogcolors Report

5points

#104

When the titanic sank, each lifeboat could hold 50 people. On one lifeboat, there were 53. The survivors do a headcount and figure out 3 people needs to sacrifice themselves so everyone else can live. First, a British guy stands up, makes a passionate speech, and jumps off. Next, a French guy stands up, kisses his wife passionately, and without a word jumps off. Watching this, the American can't sit still. He swaggers up, rushes to the other side of the boat. And throws the little Mexican guy over.

babyreborn Report

5points

#105

Mary Mcready was at home boiling potatoes for dinner, and one of her neighbors came up to the window. "Mary," he said, "I've got horrible news about your husband Seamus. He's dead." "Oh lord, my Seamus, how did it happen?" said Mary. "Well," the neighbor said, "We went on a tour of the Guinness brewery, and Seamus fell into one of the vats and drowned." "Did he at least go quickly?" asked Mary, looking for some degree of solace. "I'm afraid not, Mary. He got out three times to pee".

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

Internet Gives Unemployed Woman A Reality Check After She Expects Friends To Buy Her A Trip

Internet Gives Unemployed Woman A Reality Check After She Expects Friends To Buy Her A Trip

Internet Gives Unemployed Woman A Reality Check After She Expects Friends To Buy Her A Trip

#106

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) "My wife had the star sign of Cancer. Which makes it kinda ironic how she died. Yep, killed by a massive crab."

propagationofsound Report

5points

#107

Guy walks into a bar and says, "Quick, give me three martinis!" The bartender gives him the drinks and the guy quickly gulps them down. He says, "Give me three more!" The bartender pours the martinis and says, "What's the occasion?" The guy slams the next three drinks and says, "My first blo****." The bartender says, "Well, in that case, I'll treat you to the next round. Want another martini?" Guy says, "No thanks, if six martinis won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

5points

#108

A guy runs into a bar and says, "I need nine shots of tequila! Hurry!" The bartender hops to, pouring out nine shots of tequila. The guy downs them all, one after the other. The bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that!" The guy says, "You'd drink like that if you had what I have." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "Twenty-five cents."

dirtside Report

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

#109

Picture England, it's the early evening on a regular muggy day, a light drizzle splashes on the street. A drunkard leans on the gate in front of his house, looking across the street at a dashing young man talking to ladies as they stroll by his home. Sometimes the young man takes the lady upstairs and comes back down smiling with her, other times she becomes offended, he says something else and she smiles and nods understandingly. Eventually the drunkard gets curious and crosses the street to ask him what's going on. "'Hello sir, now wots going on right here?" he asks. The young man smiles and says "Yes, I saw you watching. Well, whenever a lovely young bird comes by, I say to her, 'tickle your butt with a feather?' If she agrees we go upstairs and have some fun. Now if she is offended, I say to her, 'Typical nasty weather.' She assumes she has misheard and goes about her business." Thinking this is brilliant the drunkard goes home to try it out. A voluptuous woman comes by and he leans in and says to her, "Oi, can I stick a feather up yer butt?" Startled she cries, "What!?" He smiles and says, "Freaking rain!"

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

#110

A man walks into bar and sees that there is a tiny gnome playing the piano on the counter. He asks the bartender about it. "Well", says the bartender as he points to a shiny metal object next to the gnome, "I got it thanks to this magic lamp". The man excitedly rubs the lamp himself and out pops a genie. "I will grant you a wish and one wish only." says the genie. The man, beside himself with excitement, asks for a million bucks. The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the bar is infested with a swarm of little ducks. "What the hell!?" angrily shouts the man. "This genie must be deaf. I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks instead." "Yeah, I know" said the bartender. "Did you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

reddit.com Report

5points

#111

"Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" and I pushed him over."

Hamster_Huey Report

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

#112

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are put in a room together. Their girlfriends are then placed 6 feet away from them and they are told they can cross half the distance with each step. The mathematician exclaims "It will never happen!". The physicist replies "Well it will, but it would take you infinitely long". The engineer just smirks and says "Well in a couple minutes I'll be within 6 inches of her, and that's close enough for all practical purposes."

5points

#113

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a drink?" Descartes answers, "I think not" and disappears.

youright Report

5points

Ross Warren 2 years ago

"I think: therefore I am".

0points

#114

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?" The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime." The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up." The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels." The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!

GhstTracker Report

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

#115

A man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a Johnnie Walker Black and the bartender says "That'll be three cents." The man replies "Only 3 cents?! Amazing! Well then how much for a filet mignon and a baked potato?" The bartender tells him "10 cents." "10 cents?! And a piece of chocolate cake for dessert?" "2 cents." says the barkeep. Astonished, the man asks "Say, where's your boss? Does he know about all this?" And the bartender says "He's upstairs with my wife." "What's he doing with your wife?" "Same thing I'm doing to his business."

reddit.com Report

5points

#116

English Professor: "In English you can have a double-negative. This becomes a positive, but one can never have a double-positive become a negative."

Kid in the back: "Yeah, right."

PapaAlphaTango Report

5points

#117

Chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian and says, "Bokkk Bokkk." The librarian looks at the chicken for a few seconds then hands it a book. The chicken grabs the book and leaves. The next day the chicken returns, "Bokkk.... Bookkk bokkk." The librarian hands the chicken another book and watches him grab the book and leave. This goes on for two weeks until finally the Librarian gets curious and follows the chicken. He walks for hours until finally the chicken walks up to a frog and says, "Bookkk bokkkk."

VeniVidiUpVoti Report

5points

Vix Spiderthrust 2 years ago

Missing punchline: the frog says "reddit, reddit"

1point

View more comments

ADVERTISEMENT

#118

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they've invented torches.

5points

#119

3 guys went to an interview for a job at the CIA, the first one was 25 years old, the second was 35 years old, the third guy was 45 years old and they all had to bring their wives. So the first one went in and the CIA agent said as a test of loyalty he had to go into the room his wife was in and shoot her with the CIA agents gun. So he takes the gun and goes and about a minute later he comes back and explains how much he loves her so he leaves. The second one came in and was asked to do the same thing. So he takes the gun and about 15 minutes later comes back and explains how she is the mother of his children and he can't do it. Then the last guy comes in and was asked to do the same thing, so he goes and a few seconds later the CIA agent hears a BANG!! And after that he hears windows breaking and a whole bunch of racket. So he goes to the room and kicks the door down and there is the man standing there with his dead wife at his feet and the CIA agent yells "What have you done?" The man says, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so i had to beat her to death with the chair!"

compugraphx Report

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

#120

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) Guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm.

His wife's standing there.

He says "This is the pig I've been f**king."

His wife says "That's a duck."

Husband says "I wasn't talking to you."

adscott1982 Report

4points

#121

Phone rings.

"Herp-a-derp police department, can I help you?"

"Hello? Well, I just hit a pig with my car, what should I do?"

"Just shove it in the ditch, sir."

"Okay, and what do I do with the motorcycle??? Do you guys want it back?"

jeannaimard Report

4points

#122

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have one half of a beer." The third says, "I'll have one fourth of a beer." The bartender pulls out two bottles and says, "Go away you guys."

4points

ADVERTISEMENT

#123

Why was Heisenberg's wife unsatisfied?

Because when he had the time he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position he didn't have the momentum.

LowLevelRebel Report

4points

#124

Little johnny is riding his bike when a mounted police officer stops him. The police officer tells him : "Hey, that's a nice bike. Did Santa bring that to you?" Little Johnny : "Yeah, he did." Police officer replies "Well next year, tell him to put some reflective panels on it" while handing little johnny a 50 dollar fine. Little Johnny, angry, asks the police officer: "Hey, that's a nice horse. Did Santa bring that to you?" Amused, the police officer replies that Santa did indeed bring him that horse, to which little Johnny replies: "Well next year, tell Santa to put the organ underneath the horse."

KoalaBomb Report

4points

le_smol_froge 2 years ago

Organ?

0points

View More Replies...

View more comments

#125

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) What did the egg say to the boiling water?

"It's gonna take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by this chick."

talkingwires Report

4points

ADVERTISEMENT

#126

How many ADD sufferers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"Wanna go ride bikes?"

ignignokt Report

4points

CelticElff 2 years ago

Squirrel!

1point

#127

What did 50 Cent say when his grandma gave him a sweater?

"Gee, you knit?!"

freakball Report

4points

Tinykame 2 years ago

I don't get it

1point

View More Replies...

View more comments

#128

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his laundry?

Bleotch!

Demaroth Report

4points

#129

There were three men out sailing, a Japanese, a Hawaiian and a Portuguese. They get shipwrecked on this uncharted island. Shortly after climbing onto the beach they are surrounded by hostile cannibals. The chief conveys to them that the cannibals intend to kill them and eat them. Then they will use their skin to make a canoe. But each man will be able to choose how he dies. The chief will give them that dignity. The Japanese man goes first. He exclaims "Give me a sword!" They find a sword and the Japanese man has them chop his head off as he writes a haiku in the sand. The cannibals strip his flesh to cook and take his skin to use for a canoe. The Hawaiian volunteers to go next. He asks the chief to use a coconut and bash his head in. The cannibals comply and bash him in the head with a coconut until he dies. They strip his flesh and take his skin for a canoe. Now only the Portuguese man remains. He tells the chief "Give me a fork." The cannibals are confused and tell him that he must choose a method of death. He still insists "Give me a fork!". Finally the chief gives in and lets the man have a fork. The portuguese man starts repeatedly stabbing himself all over yelling "Here's to your canoe!"

4points

ADVERTISEMENT

#130

So a German guy named Hans, a Polack named Paul and a Russian named Boris go to hell. Satan was bored, so he said he has a special opportunity for them, if they pass one challenge they will go back to earth. The first step of the challenge is to go to earth and come back to hell with a vehicle which was made in their country. The Polish guy comes back first, driving a old fiat. Satan says: "Now your challenge is to completely destroy this car without using any tools." The polish guy kicks is it a few times, bangs on the roof, and the car is completely in ruins, he is set free. Shortly there after, Hans pulls up in a brand new 750 BMW. He is presented with the same challenge so he keeps kicking and banging the BMW until his arms and legs are too bruised to continue and the BMW is barely damaged. At this, he starts laughing maniacally. Satan and Polish guy look at him confused and Satan says: "Why are you laughing?" The German guy responds: "Turn around, Boris is pulling up in a tank!"

4points

ADVERTISEMENT

#131

A blonde is sick of all the blonde jokes, so she gets her hair dyed black. On the way back home she passes a farm where a big crowd has gathered. The farmer is having a competition to guess how many sheep are on his farm, winner gets a free sheep. She enters her guess, and comes closest to the actual number. Farmer congratulates her, a deal is a deal, and shows her where the sheep are kept. Fifteen minutes later she comes back out with her choice, but the farmer runs after her and stops her. "If I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"

babyreborn Report

4points

#132

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero.

VoxPrinceps17 Report

4points

CelticElff 2 years ago (edited)

.

-2points

#133

Mickey Mouse is in the process of divorcing Minnie Mouse. As they sit in the courtroom, the judge says to Mickey, "Mr. Mouse, you claim the reason for your divorce is primarily based on the fact that your wife is crazy?" Mickey responds, "No, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was Goofy!"

Legendary_Linux Report

4points

CelticElff 2 years ago

I feel like this is missing a word, as in, "...the reason for your divorce is primarily based on the fact that your wife is f**king crazy?" - "No, I said she was f**king Goofy!"

11points

View More Replies...

View more comments

ADVERTISEMENT

#134

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red Paint.

Konceptz Report

4points

#135

Superman is flying around one day and he’s feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn’t do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he’s swinging and asks him who the best piece is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she’ll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and in 4 seconds he’s back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says “What was that?” Invisible Man says: “I don’t know but my butt hurts!”

pushingforward Report

4points

ADVERTISEMENT

#136

I was at a wedding, and I was a last minute invite so I got stuck at the weird people table. I'm next to some 95 year old lady in a wheelchair, and she leans over to me and says, "Wanna see my tattoo?" I say, "Sure, why not?" The lady grabs the waistband on her pants and slides it down slightly, off of her bony hip. Somehow without wretching, I peer down and say, "I don't see it," because I don't. She goes, "Oh, okay," and slides her waistband a little lower. "See, it's a little mousey right there on my hip?" she says, and I go, foolishly, "Still don't see it, ma'am." The lady snaps her waistband up and says, "Oh, I guess my cat ate it," and then knocks back a glass of champagne.

noctrnalsymphony Report

4points

Vix Spiderthrust 2 years ago

I assume this is meant to be "I guess my pusssy ate it"

2points

#137

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

craven005 Report

4points

ADVERTISEMENT

#138

Two bears, one black, one white, are on an island. They both jump into the water. Which one dissolves?

The white one, because it's polar.

super_ag Report

4points

#139

Why can't jesus eat M&Ms?

Because they fall through the holes in his hands.

reddit.com Report

4points

#140

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) What do you call a short/small Mexican?

A paragraph cuz he's too short to be a real Essay.

ProffesorBongsworth Report

4points

#141

So a guy goes to the doctors because he's not feeling too hot. The doctor gives him some pills and instructs him to take it twice daily, not orally but anally and administers the first dose for the man. The man gets home and attempts sticking a pill up his butt by himself but he just can't seem to do it. Anyone who has attempted this feat on their own knows the difficulty this poor poor man was experiencing. After 30 minutes of struggling he decides to concede defeat and decides to call his wife for help. His wife waddles over and agrees to help. She tells her husband to lean over slightly, puts one hand on his shoulder and gently pushes the pill up his butt. All of a sudden the husband starts screaming at the top of his lungs. The wife who was quite startled asks "Honey, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" To which the man responds "No but I just realized when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders."

un_leche Report

4points

le_smol_froge 2 years ago

OH NO

0points

ADVERTISEMENT

#142

Jesus walk into an Inn, puts a few nails on the counter and asks 'Can you put me up for the night?'

vornan19 Report

4points

Paul Pallansch 2 years ago

That one made me cross.

1point

View More Replies...

View more comments

#143

Romeo&Juliet.docx is a play on word.

4points

#144

There is an Islander guy standing outside his house, just chilling out. A rubbish truck driver is driving down the street and he yells out to the Islander, "Hey bro, where's your bin?" The Islander, a little fresh, replies "I's bin in Australia bro." The rubbish truck driver shakes his head and says "No, no no, where's your wheelie bin?" The Islander guy looks a little sheepish and replies "Awww. I's wheelie bin in jail, I just tell people I's bin in Australia."

4points

#145

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) Have you heard about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the morning after and it changes your blood type.

novenator Report

4points

ADVERTISEMENT

#146

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first boy came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?'' "No," the farmer said. The second boy came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?'' "No." The third boy came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.'' The farmer shot Chuck.

bagofdouche Report

4points

le_smol_froge 2 years ago

Hmm yes

0points

#147

Alright, so these two whales walk into a bar. The first whale says to the bartender: "OOOOOOOOaaaaaaaaaaaaaaOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." The second whale says, "Shut up, Fred. You're drunk."

reddit.com Report

3points

#148

Two nuns are in a bathtub. One says "Where's the soap?", to which the other replies "Yup."

frewitsofthedeveel Report

3points

le_smol_froge 2 years ago

I don’t get it

0points

ADVERTISEMENT

#149

So Helium walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here. Helium doesn't react."

themostrad Report

3points

Vix Spiderthrust 2 years ago

The second quote mark should be after the full stop.

1point

#150

A rabbi retires from his long career which involved performing circumcisions. Throughout his career he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir. He takes his specimens to a leathersmith and asks him to make something out of them. A week later the rabbi returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?" exclaims the rabbi. The leathersmith replies, "Yes, but if you stroke it real nice, it becomes a briefcase."

opuswater Report

3points

#151

An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you got there?" to which the boy replies, "It's duct tape, I'm gonna go catch me some ducks." The old man laughs and he calls out, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can't believe his eyes. The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he's got this time, the boy replies, "It's a spool of chicken wire, I'm going to catch some chickens in it." Well the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." The boy laughs himself, and says back, "That's what you said about the duct tape," and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy. A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can't believe his eyes again. The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you go there today?" The boy responds, "It's a cats willow." The man then replies, "Hang on son, I'll get my hat!"

project_valient Report

3points

Vix Spiderthrust 2 years ago

A pussywillow. You've ruined half these jokes with your overzealous editing

5points

View More Replies...

View more comments

ADVERTISEMENT

#152

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) A baby seal walks into a club.

jesterwoods Report

3points

le_smol_froge 2 years ago

NOOOOOOO

-1point

#153

Double punchline? OH DARN.

3points

#154

A penguin was driving along through the desert when his car broke down. He got it towed to a garage. The mechanic told him that there is a couple of people ahead of him and it might take some time. So the penguin goes across the street to a corner store and gets himself a vanilla ice cream cone. He eats it outside, but it's hot, and all he has are those little flippers. He ends up getting vanilla ice cream all over his face, chest, and even on his feet. He waddles back to the garage, wishing he had hands or, failing that, napkins. The mechanic sees him coming and walks over. "Looks like you blew a seal," he said. "No, no! It's just ice cream!"

whowantstoknow Report

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#155

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a tapeworm up my bunghole." The doctor says, "No problem. Come back tomorrow with two apples and a cookie and I'll take care of it." The man complies, so the doctor puts on his gloves and asks the man to take down his trousers. The doctor then inserts the two apples and the cookie into the man's rectum, then asks him to do the same again the next day. The man winces in pain, but again complies the next day, and the doctor again puts two apples and a cookie into the man's butt. This goes on for a week. "Doc, how long do we have to do this?!" The doctor replies, "Don't worry. Tomorrow come back with two apples and a hammer." The next day the man returns with two apples and a hammer. The doctor inserts the two apples in the man's rectum, picks up the hammer, and waits. A few minutes later a tapeworm sticks his head out of the guy's butt and says, "Where the hell is my cookie?"

reddit.com Report

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#156

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) A jewish boy goes to his father and asks to borrow fifty bucks, his father replies, "Forty bucks?!?! What do you need thirty bucks for?"

James1991 Report

3points

CelticElff 2 years ago

repeated joke

0points

#157

A jewish boy goes to his father and asks to borrow 5 dollars. His father replies, "4 dollars?! What in the hell do you need 3 dollars for?! Here's 2, split it with your brother."

euoberts Report

3points

Ethel M 2 years ago

Would you think this was funny if it was a 10 year old kid instead of a Jewish boy??

0points

#158

"Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"

"9/11."

"9/11 who?"

"YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!!!"

DisregardMyComment Report

3points

#159

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up.

3points

#160

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

deflorist Report

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#161

What do a walrus and tupperware have in common?

They both enjoy a tight seal.

beerbaronstatic Report

3points

#162

The mechanic laughs and then tells the penguin that the repair is complete and it's gonna cost him $500 dollars. Taken aside by the absurd price, the penguin grumbles and mumbles some obscenities to which the mechanic replies, "Come again?"

reddittttttttttt Report

2points

#163

Ok so a punk walks into a bar and sits down. The guy next to him asks the punk if he would like a beer. Of course the punk wants a beer so the guy buys him a beer and the punk slams it. The guy buys him another beer, punk slams it. This goes on for about 5 more drinks and the guy buying the beers says, "You know I've bought you all these beers why don't we go into the bathroom and you give me a something?" The punk goes "Dam". Grabs the guy by the collar swings the guy up and down the bar knocking everything off and eventually tosses him out on to the street. When he sits down at the bar again the bar tender asks "You know what'd that guy say that made you so angry man. The punk replies, "I don't know something about taking a bath and getting a job."

Beerdedone6675 Report

2points

Vix Spiderthrust 2 years ago

Censorship has ruined this joke as well.

2points

ADVERTISEMENT

#164

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero, the other is a simple command.

2points

#165

A nun is walking back from church in the dark, when suddenly a man attacks and rapes her. Afterwards, she cries, saying "How am I ever going to tell the priest I was raped twice??" The attacker says "...Twice?" "Well," the nun says, "You're going to do it again, aren't you?"

cabothief Report

0points

Printerman 1 year ago

Right, rape jokes are SOOOO f*cking funny.

0points

View more comments

#166

A teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'cigarette' in a sentence?" Amy stands up and says "Cigarettes are bad for you!" "Well done Amy!" says the teacher. Billy stands up and says "I stole my fathers cigarettes and he gave me a hiding!" "Ahhh... good work there Billy." Says the teacher "Who's next?" Filipo stands up and says "Last night my uncle came into my room, climbed under my blankets with me and touched me. He told me to keep it a cigarette eh!"

Sensei_Aspire Report

0points

ADVERTISEMENT

#167

"Who here wants to play a game of rape?"

"No?"

"That's the spirit!"

TheCLITcommander Report

-1point

#168

Three pregnant women are waiting in the doctor's office waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there babies. Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one... "What was that?", the other two ask, curiously. "Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, patting her stomach affectionately. Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting... 5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.. "What was that?", the other two enquire. "Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and she pats her stomach affectionately. All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting... 5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.. "What was that?" ask the other two. "Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves..."

MattJ016 Report

-2points

ADVERTISEMENT

#169

What's better than winning the para-olympics?

Having legs.

basstacular Report

-2points

#170

People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers) What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gangrape.

reddit.com Report

-2points

#171

"I went to a restaurant the other day and I noticed that my waitress had a black eye. I made sure I spoke loud and clear when ordering my food because she obviously had trouble listening."

GiantCrazyOctopus Report

-2points

Eligijus Sinkunas

I’m a visual editor for Bored Panda, trying to find and select high-quality images to enhance articles across different formats. With a keen eye for detail, my goal is to ensure that each picture helps to attract readers into captivating visual experiences. As a freelancer, I’m also working as a video editor for a YouTube channel that makes music games. After work, I like to play with guitar, go to karate classes or just relax at home at play video games.

I’m a visual editor for Bored Panda, trying to find and select high-quality images to enhance articles across different formats. With a keen eye for detail, my goal is to ensure that each picture helps to attract readers into captivating visual experiences. As a freelancer, I’m also working as a video editor for a YouTube channel that makes music games. After work, I like to play with guitar, go to karate classes or just relax at home at play video games.

Marisha Kazaryan

I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. Fulfilled this dream when I became a content creator and a filmmaker. Also got a degree in English language and literature because grammar is important! Good coffee and good music make everything better. When I’m not telling stories, you’ll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums.

I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. Fulfilled this dream when I became a content creator and a filmmaker. Also got a degree in English language and literature because grammar is important! Good coffee and good music make everything better. When I’m not telling stories, you’ll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums.

What do you think ?

DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago

Two giraffes walk into a bar, one falls asleep, bartender asks "hey, who's that lyin' over there?", giraffe turns to him and says "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe". This is my all time favorite joke and also "knock knock" "come in".

2points

RH-8514 2 years ago (edited)

Three guys walk in to a skyscraper, you'd think one of them would have seen it.

1point

DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago

Two giraffes walk into a bar, one falls asleep, bartender asks "hey, who's that lyin' over there?", giraffe turns to him and says "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe". This is my all time favorite joke and also "knock knock" "come in".

2points

RH-8514 2 years ago (edited)

Three guys walk in to a skyscraper, you'd think one of them would have seen it.

1point

You May Like

‘Ends Humour’: 50 Spot-On Posts That May Leave You Chuckling At The Ridiculousness Of It All (New Pics)

Viktorija Ošikaitė

100 Funny Country Jokes To Kindle Your Wanderlust

Saimonas Lukošius

102 Funny Dad Tweets To Tickle Your Funny Bone

Justina Čiapaitė

Back to Homepage

More about Funny

Related on Bored Panda

Related on Bored Panda

Word Search

WordroW

Jigsaw

Crossword

Sudoku

Picdoku

Killer Sudoku

Kriss Kross

Word Flower

Trending on Bored Panda

Also on Bored Panda