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44
Man Goes To Extra Lengths To Support Grieving Friend, Fiancée Can’t Take It Anymore
Interview With Expert
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Telling My Fiancée That My Friend’s Trauma Is More Important Than Her Comfort?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/friend-creepy-wife-loss-fb12-png__700.jpg)
Losing someone you love is a difficult thing to experience. The painful feelings can hit you at any time, making each moment feel heavy. It helps to have supportive friends or family who will be there for you.
One man on Reddit was that source of support for his grieving friend. When it began causing problems with his fiancée, he put the story before people online and asked if he was the jerk for his actions. Bored Panda also reached out to Jill S. Cohen, a grief counselor who works with children and adults, to get her perspective on the situation.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
Guy who has been providing emotional support for a year and a half to his grieving best friend doesn’t share anything about it with his fiancée, leading to big problems in their relationship
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
The poster mentioned that his fiancée is a “busybody” and that he has been keeping a lot of the details of his best friend’s mental health crisis from her
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
He calls it the “Nolan situation” in front of her and steps out to take calls or spend time with his friend outside the house because Nolan told him to keep things private
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
When she confronted him about his sneaking around, saying she couldn’t trust him, he told her that “her comfort was less important than someone’s actual physical well-being”
Image credits: anonymous
The guy’s fiancée was hurt because of how he prioritized his friend over her and went to stay with her mom after their argument
Grief is a highly personal experience that can vary from each individual. Some cultures believe in expressing grief quietly, and others feel that mourning should be done openly. That’s why people might mourn differently depending on the cultural or social background they’ve come from. The Original Poster (OP) kept things private about his friend’s mental health crisis because Nolan had asked him to. But, in doing so, he ended up shutting out his partner.
Jill, the grief counselor we reached out to, had this to say about the best friend’s grieving process: “He is entitled to his personal privacy about his grief situation, but not so much when the secret is impacting his friend’s relationship with his fiancee. It is understandable for the griever to want to be quiet about the extent of the trauma around the death of his parent, especially if it was over a year ago, and he may be embarrassed. However, the griever should not put the onus on his friend such that it jeopardizes his relationship with his fiancee.”
It should also be noted that the feelings of grief can be so intense that it can be difficult for people to think about anything else. Nolan might still be struggling with difficult feelings and might not have considered the impact of his actions on his friend’s partner. It’s heartening to note that he did reach out to a therapist and sought professional help apart from the support he got from his friends.
Jill also states, “Ideally, in the best-case scenario, the griever should allow his supportive friend to share with his fiancee that a close friend is grieving his parent’s death and is needing an excessive amount of attention these days. So that fiancee has some sense of what’s going on in the whole scheme of things.”
Although OP’s partner felt that Nolan should stop relying on his friends so much, there is no timeline for how long it can take a person to grieve. Research on grief and bereavement states that people may experience improvements in their symptoms around 6 months, but it can also take 1 to 2 years. But then again, many factors play a role in this process, such as their relationship with the person who died, their mental health, levels of social support, and much more.
Image credits: Min An (not the actual photo)
The man’s fiancée felt hurt that her partner was sneaking around and hiding details from her. But the poster felt that he was justified because he was helping his friend grieve. To help us understand how to help a grieving person, Jill shared some pointers. She said, “The best way to support a person who is grieving is simply to be present and listen to him/her and bear witness to the griever’s grief. There is not much to say to a griever that he or she doesn’t already know, or that will take the pain away.”
She also mentioned that we should: “Take action with tasks to help the griever adjust to life in the beginning and help with his or her basic needs i.e. make a meal, get food delivered, send a housekeeper over to clean once in a while, go to church or synagogue with the friend, go for a walk. Take care of small tasks without asking what needs to be done. Because usually, grievers say ‘No thank you’ when offered help.”
According to HelpGuide, asking for help is difficult for grieving people because they might feel guilty receiving the attention or might fear being a burden to anyone. That’s why it’s important for the people around to make the effort for them.
Many commenters sided with the fiancée, stating that the man should have let her in on what was going on. Jill weighed in on the situation, saying: “I think that it would be unfair of her and a breach of confidence to need or demand to know the details, but she is entitled to know to an extent what it is that her fiance is doing that takes so much time and energy and is done in private and that, quite likely, is taking time away from her.”
Grief is a tricky thing to handle, definitely for the person experiencing it, as well as for their loved one. That’s why this post went viral with 19k upvotes and over 7k comments discussing how the OP should have handled the situation. Many commenters felt that he was being too secretive and that shutting his fiancée out was wrong. What do you think about the situation? Do you believe that the fiancée was right or the poster? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
Netizens sided with the man’s fiancée and also said that the guy was acting too much like Nolan’s therapist
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What do you think ?
Ge Po 9 months ago
My husband an me decided very soon that we would not keep secrets like that for each other, even when we were still fiancees. No, we do not always give all the explicit details, but whenever anyone tells me something in confidence, I always explain to them that my husband will be told at least the essence of what is going on. Getting a short explanation of what is going on does not mean owning someone's trauma. It does however give some understanding of the urgency or severity of the situation and therefore acceptance. It also gives me the feeling that my husband trusts me and vice-versa.
Ken Beattie 9 months ago
To be honest, it sounds like the guy did that. She knows the friend lost a parent and is struggling. Just not the details of it. I would hope that if I asked a really good friend to keep something *just* between them and me they would, that would include *not* telling their partner unless I okayed it. It's entirely possible the friend in this story did something drastic like turning to d***s or attempting suicide. At which point it's pretty reasonable to want to limit who knows about it. As for the guy calling his partner a busybody, well I guess we've got to take his word for it. While it's not surprising to want to know what's going on, it's possible he knows she will blab that sensitive information to others if she's included in the loop.
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DrBronxx 9 months ago (edited)
Unless big changes happen in several relationships (OP and fiancee, OP and friend, whole friend group), I hope for fiancee's sake that they do not become spouses, because OP does not know how to be in a committed relationship.
ValdaDeDieu 9 months ago
Yeah, this does not bode well for their future. It's a non-starter at this point. You cannot use the basis of the time you've known someone as a reason for making them a priority, because no one else can catch up to your parents, or school friends, whom you will know longer than your own kids. The prioritization comes from the place YOU GIVE someone in your life based on the depth of bond due to spiritual ties of a happy marriage and the family you make from that - whether it's just you two, or you two AND offspring/friendships/inlaws.
Load More Replies...
Sherman 9 months ago
YTA. This would drive me absolutely nuts n I'm not even a nosy person. I would absolutely be paranoid if my partner was doing this. My mind would be jumping to the worst conclusions... why couldn't you tell Nolan that she's your partner n this is also affecting her life so you need to tell her atleast some of what is going on to put her mind at ease bc she is going nuts not knowing what is going on n it's unfair to her to be forced to live in the dark especially when the person who is forcing her into the dark is her live in partner. She may not be Nolan's homie... but he is affecting her life almost as much as yours! Just give her the TL;DR. But also, this tells me that you guys have way bigger issues in your relationship. Obviously friends are important. But putting ALL of your friends above the woman who you love n want to share your life w/ is immature. Will your friends come before kids too? Or just your wife? She needs to find someone to make her a priority. (1/2)
Sherman 9 months ago
Someone who is also going to care about her feelings just as much as he cares about his friends. Like, that's wild! My ex was like this. "The boys always come first" n that's what broke us up... ditching me for them 10/10x n then making me feel like s**t for asking him to have one night where it's just us... n then prioritizing anything they're going thru over what I'm going thru (even after I had an abortion.. his btw) he ditched me that night to go to the bar "w/ the boys" .... I dumped him bc it's immature to act like that. Don't have a partner if you're going to treat them like they're on the outskirts of your life. Especially when you live w/ this person, so it's obviously very serious.... like... grow up! Yeah, she's not "entitled" to know every detail of Nolan's life... but she deserves to know why the phone is ringing at all hours n when/why this kids going to be sleeping on her couch x amount of times a week! Again, just tell her the necessary information! Jesus! GROW UP
Load More Replies...
Ge Po 9 months ago
My husband an me decided very soon that we would not keep secrets like that for each other, even when we were still fiancees. No, we do not always give all the explicit details, but whenever anyone tells me something in confidence, I always explain to them that my husband will be told at least the essence of what is going on. Getting a short explanation of what is going on does not mean owning someone's trauma. It does however give some understanding of the urgency or severity of the situation and therefore acceptance. It also gives me the feeling that my husband trusts me and vice-versa.
Ken Beattie 9 months ago
To be honest, it sounds like the guy did that. She knows the friend lost a parent and is struggling. Just not the details of it. I would hope that if I asked a really good friend to keep something *just* between them and me they would, that would include *not* telling their partner unless I okayed it. It's entirely possible the friend in this story did something drastic like turning to d***s or attempting suicide. At which point it's pretty reasonable to want to limit who knows about it. As for the guy calling his partner a busybody, well I guess we've got to take his word for it. While it's not surprising to want to know what's going on, it's possible he knows she will blab that sensitive information to others if she's included in the loop.
Load More Replies... DrBronxx 9 months ago (edited)
Unless big changes happen in several relationships (OP and fiancee, OP and friend, whole friend group), I hope for fiancee's sake that they do not become spouses, because OP does not know how to be in a committed relationship.
ValdaDeDieu 9 months ago
Yeah, this does not bode well for their future. It's a non-starter at this point. You cannot use the basis of the time you've known someone as a reason for making them a priority, because no one else can catch up to your parents, or school friends, whom you will know longer than your own kids. The prioritization comes from the place YOU GIVE someone in your life based on the depth of bond due to spiritual ties of a happy marriage and the family you make from that - whether it's just you two, or you two AND offspring/friendships/inlaws.
Load More Replies... Sherman 9 months ago
YTA. This would drive me absolutely nuts n I'm not even a nosy person. I would absolutely be paranoid if my partner was doing this. My mind would be jumping to the worst conclusions... why couldn't you tell Nolan that she's your partner n this is also affecting her life so you need to tell her atleast some of what is going on to put her mind at ease bc she is going nuts not knowing what is going on n it's unfair to her to be forced to live in the dark especially when the person who is forcing her into the dark is her live in partner. She may not be Nolan's homie... but he is affecting her life almost as much as yours! Just give her the TL;DR. But also, this tells me that you guys have way bigger issues in your relationship. Obviously friends are important. But putting ALL of your friends above the woman who you love n want to share your life w/ is immature. Will your friends come before kids too? Or just your wife? She needs to find someone to make her a priority. (1/2)
Sherman 9 months ago
Someone who is also going to care about her feelings just as much as he cares about his friends. Like, that's wild! My ex was like this. "The boys always come first" n that's what broke us up... ditching me for them 10/10x n then making me feel like s**t for asking him to have one night where it's just us... n then prioritizing anything they're going thru over what I'm going thru (even after I had an abortion.. his btw) he ditched me that night to go to the bar "w/ the boys" .... I dumped him bc it's immature to act like that. Don't have a partner if you're going to treat them like they're on the outskirts of your life. Especially when you live w/ this person, so it's obviously very serious.... like... grow up! Yeah, she's not "entitled" to know every detail of Nolan's life... but she deserves to know why the phone is ringing at all hours n when/why this kids going to be sleeping on her couch x amount of times a week! Again, just tell her the necessary information! Jesus! GROW UP
Load More Replies...
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