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The old loo in the Village was what can best be described as a necessary evil. “An evil?” you might think, since an enclosed spot to deposit your droppings is often considered a luxury item when you’re out in the wilderness. But the evil influence was truly felt when it had reached capacity, and some unlucky soul would have to empty the bucket of maybe a year’s collection of crud. Emptying the loo could, if you were not careful enough, end up as a swimming trip in a sea of ​​shit. Literally. So here are some simple guidelines for the unlucky ones who had to undertake the dirty work in the old days at the Village. We have now built a new loo. A loo that does not need emptying (we hope).

HOW TO EMPTY THE LOO

1. Clothing.
Leave the fancy suit in the closet. Wear sensible clothing (expensive hiking clothes are right out), preferably something that can be cleaned with a pressure washer. If there’s an accident, you may just have to throw the clothes away. Or bury them. Or burn them.

2. Equipment.
Workgloves are a must, if not mandatory by law.
Shovel. Whoever digs a pit etc.
Boots. Walking around without the proper footwear is done at your own risk. Waders can be a smart choice.

When your attire and equipment is in order, you are “ready for battle”. Now you can bring your shovel to the battlefield, locally known as “The Shit Mire”. There you will find a suitable place to stick the shovel. A suitable place is any spot where the loo has not previously been emptied.
If your chosen spot is unsuitable, this will become immediately apparent by the following signs:
– The moment you stick the shovel into the mire, your foot and probably most of your lower body will end up down in the hole.
– Your olfactory sense will immediately be assaulted by the scent of Shit Mire-cologne, a persistent fragrance that is very hard to get out of your clothes and boots.

Once you have inserted the shovel in the right spot, leave it there. Yes, you read correctly. This is an empirically proven process, developed thorugh a long series of experiments and a classic example of cause and effect in… well, effect. Digging the hole before returning to the loo and retrieving the loo bucket is a very common beginner’s mistake. Hauling the too-full-of-shit bucket over the rough and bumpy forest floor is a gentle and time consuming process, and if the hole is dug first then it will completely fill up with bog water by the time you arrive with its future contents! A hole filled with water + loo bucket = SEWAGE TSUNAMI! The tidal wave will come suddenly and without notice.
Conclusion: Leave the shovel in the mire and return to the loo.

When you bring the bucket out of the loo, make sure the lid is properly closed. Should an accident happen, then at least you might avoid fertilizing yourself and the surrounding terrain. A full bucket weighs in at around 30 kg, and the easiest way to carry one is to keep it close to the body. But this is only recommended if you are the sort who actually like to have a special, timeless fragrance sticking to your clothes. Once you’ve maneuvered the bucket out into the mire you should immediately start digging, mainly to avoid spending too much time in the presence of what will probably feel like some corrupting artifact out of Mordor.

The hole dug must be at least the same size and volume as the bucket, preferably a bit bigger. Start by cutting the upper layer of sod into squares and put aside for later. Keep digging until you think the hole is the right size, and then a bit more for good measure. Remove the lid from the bucket and empty the grim content into the hole. Fill the hole carefully (don’t splash!) but quickly, because the hole will start filling up with water before you’re even finished digging. When the content are discharged, you can, if the consistency of the content makes it necessary, rinse the bucket with bog water collected from open ponds nearby.

Rinse the bucket well and pour the rinse water into the hole before laying the sod pieces in place and gently fold down with the shovel. Insert the shovel deep down in an unspoilt piece of bog to rinse it. Then return the empty bucket to the Village loo, and cover the bottom a thin layer of bark. And voilà, the Village loo is ready for service.

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This article was originally written by Benny Arntzen, reputable loo-emptier as a how-to. Translated by T. Fuglseth og H. Brimi.

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