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“You Dread Having To Spend Time With Them”: 30 Silent Signals You’re Falling Out Of Love
Interview With Expert
Falling in love often feels a lot like falling ill. Your knees may become weak, your cheeks might be flushed, and your brain may feel foggy due to the nerves you’re experiencing. A smile from your crush can make your heart skip a beat, but the jitters might make your mouth drier than the Sahara Desert. However, all of these uncomfortable feelings are worth it to find the love of your life. And someday, the person who once filled you with nervous energy might be the only person on the planet who makes you feel calm.
But sadly, not all love stories last. And you might end up back at square one if your relationship starts fizzling out. Redditors have recently been sharing heartbreaking signs that someone is falling out of love with their partner, so we’ve gathered their thoughts below. Keep reading to also find a conversation with Naomi Dardik, Head of OurRitual's Clinical Team of Therapists, and be sure to upvote the stories that hit home for you.
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#2
Coming home is no longer a pleasant feeling.
1. You're coming back from work or errands, but you delay your return home, preferring to stop somewhere first, or sitting in your car a couple blocks away psychologically preparing yourself for entering the house.
2. You're at home and you hear the car pull up in the driveway or the keys in the door, and you think "Oh no.".
#3
Love is not a feeling. This idea of “being” in love is the modern era’s greatest lie. Love is a choice. It’s a choice to respect, honor, and be dutiful to someone even when it is not convenient - even if it sucks. Lust and desire are feelings you can “fall” out of. Love is a choice and giving up on someone is a choice, not because you “fell” out of something. Every couple I’ve talked to that had lifelong marriages always said the same thing - there are long stretches in any committed relationship where it’s stale, stagnant, and sometimes even downright unpleasant. But it’s the choice to stay and the choice to figure out how to rekindle the relationship that is the most important thing. Abuse and affairs are different - that’s always the retort. Those two things effectively relieve the other person in the relationship of any duty to even try. But short of those two things, if you’re committing to “loving” someone, you do it even when you don’t feel like doing it. If you’re not willing to do it, then you don’t “fall out” of love, you made a choice to no longer commit to the person.
Son of Philosoraptor 2 months ago
We realized 27 years ago that we are better together than apart. And we've held on through the hard times and now we are looking at retirement and it's worth it kids
To learn more about what it's like to fall out of love, we got in touch with Naomi Dardik, Head of OurRitual's Clinical Team of Therapists. She was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss what this means for a relationship.
"People often ask if they’re falling out of love as if it’s a phenomenon that just happens, like suddenly developing a nut allergy, and figure that if they are, in fact, 'falling out of love' then they should end their relationship, just like they would just stop eating nuts because hey, they’re allergic," the therapist shared.
"On social media, most responses to the question 'How do I know if I’m falling out of love?' are variations of signs of relationship distress. For example, if you realize you would rather be at work than spend time with your partner or you can’t feel comfortable sharing thoughts and feelings with them because of how they respond, then commenters advise that you know you’re falling out of love and the relationship is over," Naomi explained.
#4
You don’t want to share your thoughts, experiences, and memories with them anymore.
DennyS (denzoren) 2 months ago
Damn, this is a tough one because I've always imagined that would be the one person you'd tell everything.
#5
I just want to add that a healthy long term relationship can go through cycles where your feelings wax and wane, sometimes with different feelings in different directions. Don't immediately assume your love is diminishing, because believe me it can come roaring back even stronger after a period of less interest.
Being appreciative makes life worthwhile, but often times it's impossible to hold that view 24/7. Sometimes you have to get a bit lost in the weeds before understanding the true value of what you have.
Lisa T 2 months ago
I’ve been with my husband for 35 years and we’ve gone through “rough patches” where you start to doubt their love or your own love, but we always come out on the other side stronger and more in love. People change a lot as they age. We aren’t in synch at the moment. He’s a morning person, likes to do stuff very early, before too many people are around. I’m a night owl, am a people person, so happy to do stuff when it’s crowded. We’ve developed our own individual hobbies, but we also still do a lot of activities together. I guess with age you realise you don’t have to do everything together and you can have quite different personalities, but it works.
"We’d probably all agree that these are both obvious signs of serious relationship distress, and people who feel this way might actually do well to end their relationships," Naomi continued. "That said, the only conclusion we can actually draw from these examples is that the relationship is in serious distress."
"Why is it in distress? We can’t know yet. Could it get better? Maybe. 'Falling out of love' is not a well-defined scientific phenomenon," the therapist shared. "Maybe the couple’s distress is because they have poor communication skills, are experiencing overwhelming stress and don’t know how to cope, or maybe one or both are suffering from serious and untreated mental health problems."
#7
You don’t want to be intimate with them anymore - that was my first sign.
Nota Robot 2 months ago (edited)
Intimacy us not synonymous with sex. Sex is but a small part of intimacy.
#8
Not enjoying spending time with your partner. Feeling irritated by your partner's presence, quirks, and habits. Losing interest in what's going on in your partner's life.
LaserBrain 2 months ago
If you find yourself getting irritated at those things -- do that person a favour and set them free. It's so hurtful to treat someone who loves you with contempt. I've been on the receiving end of that, until I learned better.
#9
Spending time with them starts to feel like an obligation or a chore.
Rowan Kohler 2 months ago
It it love lost or depression or just an early relationship that isn’t building a bond, nuestro leave on good terms if it’s not for you.
"These 'signs' only tell us what is happening, not why. Concluding that they’ve 'fallen out of love' is like diagnosing someone with an imbalance of humors when they present with a cough instead of investigating the precise cause so that the person can get the care they need (spoiler alert, not leeches)," Naomi told Bored Panda. "Technically, maybe, sure. But it tells you nothing except that a problem exists. Diagnosing the couple as 'fallen out of love' is arguably even worse than a diagnosis of humor imbalance since it implies that the condition is permanent and untreatable when that might not be true at all."
#10
You start enjoying time away from them more than you do time with them.
Rowan Kohler 2 months ago
All couples need their own time. It’s totally normal. Nothing wrong with it all.
#11
This was from some other redditor months back when this question was asked. It always stuck with me though. You can tell when you are not interested in the little things to make them happy. Like making them a snack, or the little nice text messages, or random non-sexual physical affection, or doing one of their chores for them; all unprompted. Arguably you could say that you are starting to no longer care about their happiness.
Daya Meyer 2 months ago
This! Why do we do those little things for our loved one? Making a tea, bring the favourite snack home, do this one annoying task, make the favourite meal...? Because we are in a relationship and we like it when the other one feels good and appreciated and we want to hear the merry 'thank you' and we love to see that little smile! Thinking not about 'me' but about 'us'.
#12
You stop sharing anything about yourself or your day because you don’t want them to know anything about you anymore. You cherish time away from them. You dread being with them. Everything about them annoys you. You don’t want to be intimate with them anymore. You do anything to pacify them or get them to leave you alone. You busy yourself with work, chores, childcare or other reasonsable responsibilities that keep you away from them. You feel complete indifference to their existence.
Naomi also noted that a minority but present voice in the Reddit thread points out that it's normal to have disconnected times and negative feelings even in good, healthy, long term relationships. "I suspect we all pretty much agree that these points are both true - dreading coming home to see your partner is a decidedly bad sign and yes, partners in awesome relationships are sometimes (really) irritated with each other," she continued.
"One of my favorite professors at UC Berkeley’s MSW program, Greg Merrill, once said that everyone tells you you're going to have bad days, but no one tells you that you're going to have bad years! It’s important to know that constant bliss in long term relationships is not a thing, so that you don’t condemn a perfectly healthy relationship as doomed when it’s actually just being normal and is occasionally also really painful to be in," the therapist shared.
#13
The sound of them eating makes u want to thrust a red hot poker into their eye socket.
Sleepy Panda 2 months ago
Not necessarily, been married over 20 years and I hate the sound of my husband eating, but still love him dearly.
"If you notice that you’re more than occasionally annoyed with each other, that you no longer enjoy each other’s company or find each other attractive, the first step is to get curious about what’s contributing to these feelings," Naomi says. "People often don’t realize that their anger at their partners or even feelings of disgust can have emotional roots in themselves that are only marginally related to their actual, real life partners."
#16
Spending time with them drains your energy instead of gives you energy.
#17
When you stop caring, even to get angry. I knew my last relationship was over when I realized I wouldn’t even be mad if he cheated on me.
featherytoad 2 months ago (edited)
I can relate to this one. It was also, I want you, but I don't need you.
#18
I can't stand the sight of him. It happened when I overheard him bad mouthing me to my doctor when I was admitted to emergency with a near death illness. I never got over it because it was a deep betrayal that I never expected. Now I know who he really is. There were so many other things along the way that I overlooked but this was the end.
"One woman I worked with was worried that her feelings about her husband’s untrimmed nails meant that she wasn’t attracted to him anymore," the therapist shared. "When we explored what this meant to her, she discovered that she associated untrimmed nails with someone who doesn’t pay attention, which was a trigger for her from her childhood. Understanding the root of her feelings changed how she interpreted them and was a significant relief."
"A man thought that his wife’s sharpness towards him when she was angry meant that he couldn’t stay married to her, since he was aware that he really struggled to feel safe around even mildly angry people," Naomi continued. "The idea that he could learn to manage his own reactivity to her angry moments was a revelation to him and helped him change his approach."
#19
For me it was when I would slowly realize the return investment from my effort wasn't there, so I'd stop putting in effort.
Pencil McGovern 2 months ago
This may have just been very poorly worded. ROI isn't a healthy paradigm for a relationship. But one person making all the effort while the other never reciprocates is a pretty common problem and isn't healthy.
#20
You make excuses to avoid them.
DennyS (denzoren) 2 months ago
Definitely not a good time when you're supposed to want to be with them.
#21
You'd rather stay at work than go home.
Russell Rieckenberg 2 months ago
As I write, this is number 21. About 13 of the 21 posts are exactly the same thing just worded a little differently.
"Falling out of love" certainly doesn't have to mean a death sentence for your relationship.
"If you’re not generally happy with each other, consistently prefer to be apart rather than together, feel angry, resentful or repulsed more than you feel love, caring and appreciation, talk about it," Naomi says. "Ask your partner what it’s like for them to be in this relationship and if they’re open to hearing what it’s like for you. Talk about what you appreciate and what’s been missing."
"If you don’t know how to have these conversations without getting into a huge fight, shutting down or having a panic attack, consider getting some version of professional support," she added. "There’s a whole field of really well-trained professionals dedicated to helping couples in these situations understand what’s causing their unhappiness and learn how to do things differently. Most couples see improvement after getting help and most see the greatest improvement in the first six to eight weeks."
#22
The way he looked at me changed.... Heartbreaking. Honestly.
#23
For me, it's when I finally realized that I didn't want to be seen with them in public because it felt embarrassing.
Koalalover 2 months ago
A friend gave me a great piece of advice recently which helped me gain a little perspective. If someone told you that your personality reminded them of your partner, or that you were like him/her/them, how would it make you feel? If you'd be embarrassed to be like them (personality wise), why are you in a relationship with them?
#24
Resentment is building and nothing to get rid of it.
Pencil McGovern 2 months ago
You can't "get rid of" resentment. You can only work through it. And in a relationship, you can really only do that if both of you are committed to that work.
But if it's truly time to break up, there's nothing wrong with that either. "Ending a relationship can be a really good choice if the other person is not able or willing to grow with you," Naomi shared. "Ending a relationship because you have scary unpleasant feelings and you don't know how to deal with them can lead to a path to a series of failed relationships, lack of self-insight and ultimately loneliness."
"When people decide to separate, it's still important for them, for their own personal growth, to understand what went wrong in the relationship," the therapist says. "If you don't learn from the hard parts of your relationship, there's a decent chance you'll repeat them until you do."
#25
When they become just a roommate.
Sleepy Panda 2 months ago
This depends on how long you've been together, everyone I know who are a couple of decades in talk about reaching this point in their relationship.
#26
Honestly man, you just know. The thought of losing them, stops scaring you, I guess...
#27
You stop going to bed together. People do it so they can have quiet time to themselves. It can be normal, but it can also be an escape for a person to "catch their breath".
Trisec Tebeakesse 2 months ago
Married 28 years - we stopped sleeping in the same bed about 8 years ago now. I thought it was over, but as others have alluded to elsewhere on this thread, it's just a phase, another thing to be worked through. We got over the messy patch, and going along just as fine as ever now. Relationships are hard sometimes. You have to do the work.
#28
You might be falling out of love if you feel emotionally distant, avoid physical affection, get easily irritated, or prefer spending time alone. If you're fantasizing about being single or struggling to see a future together, it could be a sign the relationship is losing its spark.
#29
You seem obligated to talk or hang with your partner rather than actually wanting to talk or hang out.
#30
Even though I loved and cared for them, I dreaded seeing them and I began to resent them. I should have left WAY sooner and it was mean of me to stay and try to make it work for so long. I was very angry at things they did early on but it was "the best relationship I've had" so I made excuses to stay.
What do you think ?
InfamousBerry34 2 months ago
I feel like as soon as you begin to think about breaking up with your partner, that will always be at the back of your mind and it is a bad sign
InfamousBerry34 2 months ago
I feel like as soon as you begin to think about breaking up with your partner, that will always be at the back of your mind and it is a bad sign
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