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Dad Can’t Take Care Of His Baby On His Custody Day, Thinks It’s OK To Just Leave Her Outside
Co-parenting with an ex can be hard. When you have shared or equal custody, you have to worry about pick-ups and drop-offs, work schedules, and the occasional unplanned errand. Sometimes, an even scarier thing can be a mental health issue, making one parent unable to care for the child.
This was the scare that this mom got. The dad, during his day of custody, phoned her and said he “can’t do this.” As the mom didn’t have time to pick up their daughter, he said he would just leave her on the mom’s doorstep until she came home. Horrified, the mother went online to ask for advice on what to do next.
RELATED:
A mother got a distressing call from her ex on the verge of a mental breakdown during his week of custody
Image credits: Blake Cheek (not the actual photo)
She freaked out because he threatened to leave their toddler alone at her doorstep, in the cold
Image credits: Timur Weber (not the actual photo)
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Image source: anon1293994
In an update, the mom revealed that her ex will be giving her full custody
Image credits: Gabriel Ponton (not the actual photo)
Three days later, the OP posted an update to her story. The Redditor detailed how she suggested that her ex get help. Interestingly, he refused, saying “I don’t think so, but I was not in my right mind.”
However, he did agree to give full custody to the mother and accepted supervised visits. The Redditor claims that it’s “until he is feeling better and has proved he is a safe parent for a few years.” The dad is also self-aware. “He admitted to me he is maybe not equipped to have that much custody,” the OP wrote.
As of now, she’s supporting her ex by helping him pay for him to get better. “I already have him on my insurance; I never removed him and I pay for it because I want him to have medical care and get help when needed,” the OP detailed. “I am poor, but I’m going to pay for half his therapy.”
If a parent’s mental health renders them unable to provide adequate care, they might lose custody rights
Image credits: Jordan González (not the actual photo)
Although more parents than before agree on shared custody of their children, the percentage is still quite small. About 40% of states in the U.S. aim to give equal custody time to both parents, but, in reality, only 11% of custody cases result in equally shared custody.
If one parent has severe mental health issues, they might lose the privileges they had when it comes to seeing their child. According to experts, mild bouts of depression, anxiety, and mood swings generally aren’t an issue, but a serious diagnosis might severely impact a parent’s ability to take care of their child.
According to the divorce and custody attorney Molly B. Kenny, a mere diagnosis of a mental disorder isn’t grounds to take away custody rights from a parent. As judges always act in the best interest of the child, they would need to determine whether the parent’s mental state harms their ability to provide adequate care.
According to Kenny, in some cases, a parent with a mild mental health issue might even receive primary custody. But when the parent experiences sudden outbursts, hospitalization, or is unable to perform self-care, they might only get visitation or supervised visitation.
“If the condition doesn’t affect your finances, your relationship with the child, or your ability to provide a safe and stable living environment, it shouldn’t affect the outcome of your custody case,” Kenny claims.
The mother would benefit from a mental health professional as well, as she has to navigate co-parenting
Image credits: Hrant Khachatryan (not the actual photo)
A co-parent gets put into a very difficult situation. The mother in this story doesn’t demonize her ex and wants to help him, but still has to prioritize the safety and well-being of their daughter.
When co-parenting with a person who’s going through a mental health crisis, Robin M. Mermans, Esq recommends seeking help from a professional. This situation is not something a parent can solve by themselves, and a mental health professional can help see situations from various angles.
The child, again, should come first. This is not about the mother’s relationship to the father but about the daughter’s safety. If the co-parent is a potential danger to the daughter, she suggests the parenting agreement or the custody arrangement. “If there is ever a situation where you believe your children are actively in danger, report it immediately to law enforcement,” Mermans writes.
People urged the mother to prioritize her daughter’s safety: “Make sure he gets help! For his kid if nothing else”
But one person also defended the dad: “He was just trying to get you to help him”
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What do you think ?
UpupaEpops 2 days ago
There's an update: OP has the child, ex agreed to only having supervised visits and to have this formalised in court. The guy is on OP's insurance and she offered to pay for half of his mental health treatment. She has notified his family of the situation as well and her dad is stepping in to help with childcare. OP is fine. The child is fine. And hopefully dad will be OK too. For anyone saying that OP is unfit due to her previous mental-health issues, this sort of prejudice is exactly why mothers are so reluctant to reach out for help. Because they are terrified that they could lose their child over nothing. Obviously sometimes it is necessary to remove a child, but there's still so much stigma surrounding mental health, that women regularly get in serious trouble just for admitting to it.
Paula Glasscoe 22 hours ago
I was hoping that would be the case and that they’d be able to find a way to get through it all. In the middle of a mh crisis people say all sorts that they wouldn’t necessarily follow through on and she and his family are the ones who will know best if it was the illness or him talking like that, not internet strangers with their own prejudices. It seems he’s just at the end of his tether rather than actively wanting to harm anyone and is at least able to realise he needs help and accept it. I’m relieved she’s also getting support rather than judgement irl.
Load More Replies...
Mike F 2 days ago
This is scary as hell. IMO, she needs to get the court involved and (temporarily) have him supervised in his visitation schedule until he gets a sign off from mental health professionals. It's not worth taking a chance on him following through on his threat. It's gonna be complicated because she has to work, but it can be finessed if they work with the courts.
Melissa Harris 2 days ago (edited)
She needs to do BOTH. Get the courts involved and urge him to get help. The first step since the incident had a police report is to get her lawyer to apply for an emergency custody hearing. He SHOULD NOT be alone with the child. Supervised visitation only. Seeking mental health treatment should be a stipulation of him regaining unsupervised visitation or any custody. He threatened to abandon his child in the COLD and leave her unsupervised for an unknown amount of time near a busy road. You just don't say things like that!
R Dennis 2 days ago
Exactly! I can't believe people are telling her to "get him help". No... it's HIS job to get help. EX-husband means no longer her circus, no longer her monkeys.
Load More Replies...
Livingwithcfs 2 days ago
Sounds like neither parent is in any state to look after the child properly. It's possibly time for grandparents, aunts/uncles etc to step in a take over the child care until the parents get the help they need. Honestly it sounds like the child isn't safe
Surly Scot 2 days ago
The last response is wild. If we worked by that persons logic, then we'd never need to stop anyone who threatens to commit suicide because it's just a cry for help and they're not actually going to do it. Damn that response was unhinged. OP needs full custody with supervised visitation only, the father is incapable of doing his job.
Mark Childers 1 day ago
I think she did what she needed to do by getting his mother involved. He's not her responsibility anymore. Her only job now is to keep her kid safe. Even if he was joking, I would never let him be around the kid again. That's nothing to joke about, and if he was serious, it's even worse. I can't imagine the stress she was under.
Karen Philpott 17 hours ago
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. An insane thing to go through. However, if he can't look after your daughter, you should be putting in for more child support from him as he no longer can care for her over those 3? days a week and your child care costs will be increasing. You, yourself will need more support during this time. You have a great boss, but by putting more support in place for your daughter and you, you shouldn't need to take too much time of work. So, please, take care of yourself and your daughter first and foremost. Your ex takes a back seat, although he should get help and if it's through your health insurance then push him to use it. He should get his own now as he has a new job.
Bookworm 1 day ago
I do feel bad for the ex, because it seems like he's genuinely in crisis himself and really needs some help. And as bad as this was, it could have been a lot worse. He could have actually dumped the kid off in the snow without telling anyone. As one comment pointed out, he could have hurt the kid and/or himself. None if those things happened, because he got himself together enough to contact OP. That doesn't mean any of this is remotely okay. It means they got lucky, and now they have a chance to head off disaster by making all future visits supervised until further notice. OP's responsibility isn't to try to help him; it sounds like there are other people in his life who can do that. Her responsibility is to minimize the impact of all this on the daughter, and make sure she doesn't end up in an unsafe situation.
Id row 1 day ago
Neither of them sound like fit parents. One is mentally ill and the other has no interest. I feel bad for the kid. I sincerely wish there was a way to license people before they were allowed to reproduce.
Keisha Taylor 22 hours ago
I'm wondering exactly how you define mentally ill. Those with mental illness or those with a certain degree of mental illness. Having mental illnesses would make a person "mentally ill." Having mental illness does not make one unfit. I have several and function just fine. I am completely fit myself, to be a parent (working on getting licensed for foster care). Being mentally ill does not cause me that. If you mean degree, then that makes sense, but discernment needs to be made. A blanket statement like that sounds terrible.
Load More Replies...
Kate Johnson 2 days ago
How tragic that two people who are clearly not up to parenting have a child. I feel sorry for the kid.
Kimberly Bailey 1 day ago
I feel so bad for that poor little girl...having parents with mental health (or any health) problems is tough. :(
Orange Panda 2 days ago
I'm so lost as to how she didn't tell him to call his mom. She was literally making plans with his mom to help.
UpupaEpops 2 days ago
There's an update: OP has the child, ex agreed to only having supervised visits and to have this formalised in court. The guy is on OP's insurance and she offered to pay for half of his mental health treatment. She has notified his family of the situation as well and her dad is stepping in to help with childcare. OP is fine. The child is fine. And hopefully dad will be OK too. For anyone saying that OP is unfit due to her previous mental-health issues, this sort of prejudice is exactly why mothers are so reluctant to reach out for help. Because they are terrified that they could lose their child over nothing. Obviously sometimes it is necessary to remove a child, but there's still so much stigma surrounding mental health, that women regularly get in serious trouble just for admitting to it.
Paula Glasscoe 22 hours ago
I was hoping that would be the case and that they’d be able to find a way to get through it all. In the middle of a mh crisis people say all sorts that they wouldn’t necessarily follow through on and she and his family are the ones who will know best if it was the illness or him talking like that, not internet strangers with their own prejudices. It seems he’s just at the end of his tether rather than actively wanting to harm anyone and is at least able to realise he needs help and accept it. I’m relieved she’s also getting support rather than judgement irl.
Load More Replies... Mike F 2 days ago
This is scary as hell. IMO, she needs to get the court involved and (temporarily) have him supervised in his visitation schedule until he gets a sign off from mental health professionals. It's not worth taking a chance on him following through on his threat. It's gonna be complicated because she has to work, but it can be finessed if they work with the courts.
Melissa Harris 2 days ago (edited)
She needs to do BOTH. Get the courts involved and urge him to get help. The first step since the incident had a police report is to get her lawyer to apply for an emergency custody hearing. He SHOULD NOT be alone with the child. Supervised visitation only. Seeking mental health treatment should be a stipulation of him regaining unsupervised visitation or any custody. He threatened to abandon his child in the COLD and leave her unsupervised for an unknown amount of time near a busy road. You just don't say things like that!
R Dennis 2 days ago
Exactly! I can't believe people are telling her to "get him help". No... it's HIS job to get help. EX-husband means no longer her circus, no longer her monkeys.
Load More Replies... Livingwithcfs 2 days ago
Sounds like neither parent is in any state to look after the child properly. It's possibly time for grandparents, aunts/uncles etc to step in a take over the child care until the parents get the help they need. Honestly it sounds like the child isn't safe
Surly Scot 2 days ago
The last response is wild. If we worked by that persons logic, then we'd never need to stop anyone who threatens to commit suicide because it's just a cry for help and they're not actually going to do it. Damn that response was unhinged. OP needs full custody with supervised visitation only, the father is incapable of doing his job.
Mark Childers 1 day ago
I think she did what she needed to do by getting his mother involved. He's not her responsibility anymore. Her only job now is to keep her kid safe. Even if he was joking, I would never let him be around the kid again. That's nothing to joke about, and if he was serious, it's even worse. I can't imagine the stress she was under.
Karen Philpott 17 hours ago
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. An insane thing to go through. However, if he can't look after your daughter, you should be putting in for more child support from him as he no longer can care for her over those 3? days a week and your child care costs will be increasing. You, yourself will need more support during this time. You have a great boss, but by putting more support in place for your daughter and you, you shouldn't need to take too much time of work. So, please, take care of yourself and your daughter first and foremost. Your ex takes a back seat, although he should get help and if it's through your health insurance then push him to use it. He should get his own now as he has a new job.
Bookworm 1 day ago
I do feel bad for the ex, because it seems like he's genuinely in crisis himself and really needs some help. And as bad as this was, it could have been a lot worse. He could have actually dumped the kid off in the snow without telling anyone. As one comment pointed out, he could have hurt the kid and/or himself. None if those things happened, because he got himself together enough to contact OP. That doesn't mean any of this is remotely okay. It means they got lucky, and now they have a chance to head off disaster by making all future visits supervised until further notice. OP's responsibility isn't to try to help him; it sounds like there are other people in his life who can do that. Her responsibility is to minimize the impact of all this on the daughter, and make sure she doesn't end up in an unsafe situation.
Id row 1 day ago
Neither of them sound like fit parents. One is mentally ill and the other has no interest. I feel bad for the kid. I sincerely wish there was a way to license people before they were allowed to reproduce.
Keisha Taylor 22 hours ago
I'm wondering exactly how you define mentally ill. Those with mental illness or those with a certain degree of mental illness. Having mental illnesses would make a person "mentally ill." Having mental illness does not make one unfit. I have several and function just fine. I am completely fit myself, to be a parent (working on getting licensed for foster care). Being mentally ill does not cause me that. If you mean degree, then that makes sense, but discernment needs to be made. A blanket statement like that sounds terrible.
Load More Replies... Kate Johnson 2 days ago
How tragic that two people who are clearly not up to parenting have a child. I feel sorry for the kid.
Kimberly Bailey 1 day ago
I feel so bad for that poor little girl...having parents with mental health (or any health) problems is tough. :(
Orange Panda 2 days ago
I'm so lost as to how she didn't tell him to call his mom. She was literally making plans with his mom to help.
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