We reached out to weird-n-nerdy asking what inspired her to create this post, and she told us, "I thinking back to a time when I met a guy who just wouldn’t take 'no' for an answer. He was very persistent to the point where he ended up trying to follow me home. It was a very negative experience. I was looking for some suggestions in case something like that happened again." That's certainly a frightening experience too many women can relate to.

We also asked why she thinks men can be so persistent. "I think there are some men who believe that a 'no' from a woman can turn into a 'yes' with enough persistence and badgering. Some men think that this is how they are supposed to persuade someone in order to get their interest, when in fact they are just pestering women. There are men who do not even realize that their repeated unwanted attention can be threatening for women. I also think it largely comes from the idea that a man is supposed to 'chase' a woman in order to successfully pursue her."

We then asked if she has a favorite tactic in getting men to leave her alone, and she told us, "I just tell a person straight up that I’m not interested, but that doesn’t always work. The only foolproof method I have in getting men to stop hitting on me is staying in-doors. I’ve been hit on zero times since working remotely."

Lastly, she wanted to remind everyone that, "We should respect people’s boundaries regardless of our wants, or desires. If you need to consistently bother someone a hundred times to get their attention after they have clearly conveyed to you that they are not interested, they’re most likely not engaging with you willingly."

Dating seems like it should be one of the most natural and intuitive human experiences. Follow your gut, trust your heart, and you’ll find your perfect match. We shouldn’t need to intellectualize dating; it should be instinctual. The internet, however, seems to be flooded with articles titled things like “The 10 Mistakes You’re Making When Dating”, “Essential Rules of Dating”, “How To Date Smarter”, etc. Not to mention the countless podcasts and blogs discussing the topic of dating as well.

While dating is something almost all of us do, often many times, it also seems to be shrouded in mystery. Becoming a dating coach or a matchmaker are actual career paths you could go down, and online dating (including apps) has become a multi-billion dollar industry. So with unlimited resources at our fingertips, why are we so bad at dating?

Mark Manson, New York Times bestselling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach and Models: Attract Women Through Honesty, wrote a piece exploring the very nature of why dating is so perplexing for many of us. He first comments on the fact that dating advice often parallels advice of how to improve other skills, like playing an instrument for example. The “practice makes perfect” approach. While that tactic might make you a better piano player, it does not account for all the nuances involved in relationships. So Mark delves into the topic of our emotional maps. 

One thing we have to consider when thinking about our dating habits is our emotional baggage. Even if we’re not conscious of it, our childhoods affect every part of our lives, including romance. “Whether it is a parent who didn’t hold us enough, who didn’t feed us regularly enough, a father who wasn’t around often, a mother who left us and moved away, being forced to move from school to school as a child and never having friends — all of these experiences leave their mark as a series of micro-traumas that shape and define us,” Mark says.

“The nature and depth of these traumas imprint themselves onto our unconscious and become the map of how we experience love, intimacy and sex throughout our lives.” Mark goes on to explain that while it’s possible to get along with many people or be attracted to everyone you go on a date with, it’s rare for someone to really captivate you and make you go so far as to fall in love. “Psychologists believe that romantic love occurs when our unconscious becomes exposed to someone who matches the archetype of parental love we experienced growing up, someone whose behavior matches our emotional map for intimacy,” Mark explains. “Our unconscious is always seeking to return to the unconditional nurturing we received as children, and to re-process and heal the traumas we suffered.”

This is where the idea of our partners being our “other half” comes in. Sometimes lovers tell one another “you complete me”, and in a way, they do complete one part of them. Mark explains that these are the reasons falling in love makes us feel so giddy and like a child, but it’s also why dating can be so painful and challenging. “Our dating and sex lives are inextricably bound to our emotional needs, and when we get into potentially intimate or sexual situations, these experiences rub up against our prior traumas causing us anxiety, neuroticism, stress and pain.” Mark goes on to say the reason why rejection can be so hard to handle is because “that someone isn’t just rejecting you — instead, to your unconscious, you’re reliving every time your mother rejected you or turned down your need for affection.”

Mark mentions that when we don’t confront our trauma head-on, we seek out ways to disassociate from our emotions. This can include objectifying sexual or romantic partners, preventing us from ever making an emotional connection. Viewing partners through a sexist lens and projecting personal insecurities onto them is another common unhealthy coping mechanism. Some people resort to using manipulation and games while dating, to withhold their emotional maps and vulnerability. Lastly, Mark mentions that some people overuse humor and sarcasm to avoid any meaningful conversations, and others simply turn to strip clubs or pornography to evade human interaction altogether. Mark notes that, generally, “the more resentment one is harboring, the more one objectifies others”.

He does note though, that dating expectations are different for men and women, as gender norms subsist in our society. “There’s a lot of social pressure on men, particularly straight men, to ignore their emotions, particularly ‘weak’ emotions such as a need for intimacy and love. It’s more socially acceptable for men to objectify their sex lives and boast about it.”

Luckily, we are not all doomed to a life of terrible dating experiences. Healthy, happy relationships do exist, so Mark shares tips on how we can work towards a successful love life. First, he notes that our emotional baggage will never fully disappear, but the goal is to replace unhealthy feelings and anxieties with “higher order” behaviors and feelings. It takes practice, but we can develop healthy responses to situations that would typically trigger us. Along the same lines, we can over time desensitize ourselves to emotional triggers.

“You must overlay old emotional habits of fear and anxiety with healthier ones like excitement and assertiveness.” Lastly, Mark recommends being honest about emotional needs from the onset of a relationship. “For instance, I’ve always had a fear of commitment and needed a woman who was comfortable giving me space and some freedom,” Mark notes. “Not only do I openly share this with women I get involved with now, but I actively screen for women with these traits.” This sets the groundwork for a healthy partnership. “The practice of being upfront about your desires and flaws will naturally screen for those who best suit you and connect with you.”

While some men have a hard time taking no for an answer, many women have a hard time being upfront about the rejection as well. A quick Google search yields countless articles about “How to Say No Politely To a Man Who Asks You Out” and “Guy-Approved Ways to Turn Down a Date Without Hurting His Feelings”. Of course, I’m not advocating for being cruel or making personal digs. But why can’t we just say “no thanks, I'm not interested”? Women are taught to be sensitive to (and responsible for) others’ feelings all the time, even when men push past boundaries and continue to hit on us after being turned down. Some women use excuses like “sorry, I already have a boyfriend” or "I'm married" that allow the man to feel like it had nothing to do with him. But the fact is, rejecting a man can be scary when you don't know how he will react.

In 2019, actress Jameela Jamil opened up on Twitter about the dangerous situations women can find themselves in after rejecting men. "Was out at the shops with my friend,” she wrote. “Man ogles me. Man then approaches me to give me his number. I explain I have a boyfriend but thank him for the offer. Man then threatens my career, saying I better remember that I rejected him. And then shouts at me that I’m low class …” This was not even the only story Jamil had to share of a frightening post-rejection response. "I once said no thank you to a man when I was 19 and didn’t have an excuse... and he punched me in the face. After that, whether or not I have a boyfriend, I say I do. Being a woman is truly, constantly scary. It’s like existing on thin ice." After Jamil shared her personal experiences, countless other women shared similar encounters. Unfortunately, it can sometimes be safer for women to come up with excuses or do something to make the man no longer interested.

Much more extreme and terrifying examples of men reacting violently to rejection are Elliot Rodger and Alek Minassian. Rodger famously killed six people and injured thirteen others in 2014, motivated by "a desire to punish women for rejecting him and to punish sexually active men for living a better life than him". Minassian had a similar motive when he killed 10 people in 2018 "by ploughing a van into pedestrians in Toronto". Of course, anyone who can commit atrocities like these is dealing with some sort of mental illness, but we can never know for sure what mental state others are in when we reject them.

Resorting to outlandish excuses when turning men down may be effective, but let’s not forget why women feel the need to do that in the first place. Overly persistent men should respect women enough to just take no for an answer. Remember that everyone experiences rejection at some point, and the best way to deal with it is to shrug it off and keep looking forward.

Be sure to upvote your favorite tactics in dealing with pushy men, and let us know in the comments what your best line is when you need to turn someone down!