Here's a lesson learned:

If they cheated *with* you, then they will absolutely cheat *on* you.

Peregrine2976 , Polina Zimmerman / pexels Report

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Angela C

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1 week ago

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It's amazing how many people still haven't caught on to that

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Asking for an open relationship. It's either already happened, or it's going to happen.

morbidangel27 , Alex Green / pexels Report

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Schmebulock

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They are only asking because they are planning on doing it. Dump them immediately.

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Projecting. Many years back I dated someone who was extremely jealous of other women, constantly wanted to go through my phone, constantly checked up on me, regularly accusing me of cheating on her, etc and turns out she was doing all of that herself the entire time.

Dr_Dankenstein5G , RDNE Stock project / pexels Report

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Papa

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When I was very young I was told that if you meet someone who is always suspicious of people and thinks everyone is trying to steal from him, you better keep an eye on him because he's a thief himself. Apparently the same is true for cheaters.

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Also have to add: my first indication was this one time I took his vehicle to take the dogs to the park… One of them is a notorious crotch sniffer. She was overly interested in the front passenger seat. Knowing her inclination for a good crotch sniff, my mind immediately went to questioning who’s smelly c*but was sitting in that seat.

Turns out he was having sex with the side chick in the front passenger seat.

Dogs know.

Tonubba-nabubba , Chris Black / pexels Report

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Monica G

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Good to have a dog!

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Sudden interest in losing weight, distance, unwarranted anger at me, work trips away with late flights home, lack of interest in me or my family, lack of interest in sex (with me anyway). Looking back they add up but at the time it can be hard to put your finger on and in my instance I thought he was depressed (lol).

puffinpuffpuffin , William Choquette / pexels Report

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We had a 15 year marriage. About 7/8 years in, I found men's underwear beneath the headboard. There were 2 pairs and I thought it was very strange as I'd never seen them before, but she assured me that they were mine from ages ago. I always found this odd but never had any other indication of cheating.


12 years in, the exact same thing happens. I find a pair of socks that definitely isn't mine. I would never buy them, they were of some show I'd never seen. She said they were a secret santa gift from a co-worker and I believed it.


I still don't know for sure about the first two times, but 3 years ago almost to the day I walked in on her having sex with our neighbour.

rotating_pebble , Photo By: Kaboompics.com / pexels Report

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nm (he/him)

nm (he/him)

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Men fack around and forget their underwear or socks? I call it BS.

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Whatever trace of my presence I left in his apartment (e.g. a sticker, a hairpin, a note), it made him upset coz he considered it “possessive”. The truth is, he just wanted his crib to pass for a bachelor pad, so that no other woman would suspect he was in a relationship.

Also, he did his best to look single when attending any parties together with me under the pretext “I hate clinginess in public”. Ya know, just in case he’d run into someone he was interested in.

With hindsight, I should never had ignored those signs or found excuses.

Anitolag , RDNE Stock project / pexels Report

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I caught an ex with another woman when I dropped by unannounced mid week. I normally stayed from Friday to Sunday night. We were both busy and only chatted during the week. She knew everything about me. She is screaming at me and telling me that he puts all my stuff away when I leave and then puts it all back exactly where I left it before I return. Believe me I had noticed my night gown was still where I left it, my book still on the night stand. One of the reasons I never suspected he was seeing someone else. This woman is yelling at me and telling me " hey so I hear you like it this way in bed" ( much much more graphic language ) I was in complete shock. She had been seeing him and aware of me for an entire year. What hurt the most is he laughed about me with her and discussed our intimate details. I was blindsided.

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They suddenly stop caring/become mean

Blindfunnymonkey , Anna Shvets / pexels Report

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Tristan J

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This seems like you are blaming the person cheating for being disengaged - perhaps it's the other way around.

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I used to think cheaters were the hot and arrogant 'Brads' so I stopped dating the popular kids when I was a teenager, and went for the cute geek gamer type. Turns out he cheated on me; which was the most pain I felt when I was 27 because the thought never crossed my mind that someone I loved so much and someone I thought was so kind would be able to hurt me that bad.

There is no type :(

FrenchynNorthAmerica , Liza Summer / pexels Report

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Scott Rackley

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Maybe, but certain types have more opportunity and frequency

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Look out for over explanation of simple things. When the dinner with her friend has a tv script attached to it you know something’s up Guess this is more for ongoing cheating but still applicable I guess

Notlad0122 , SHVETS production / pexels Report

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Annabelle

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And obviously prepared answers, even short ones. They start to pick up on what YOU are picking up on, then try to adjust for that, too, not realizing how scripted they sound.

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Starting fights, being defensive / projecting. He would start fights over nothing to try to get me to leave or him leave. He would literally start fights when he was about to cheat on me or after to make himself feel less guilty I guess?


I would say being secretive of their phone is a big one, but mine was overly NOT secretive of his phone. I’m almost positive he had a burner somewhere, but I also had never looked through his phone in the decade that we were together so he didn’t really need to be super secretive. But one day I got a gut feeling (we were about to buy a house). Gave in to my gut feeling and went through his phone when he fell asleep and that was it - years and years of cheating and so much more lol.

So GUT INSTINCT is the biggest one for me. May not be an early sign, but is a sign you should not ignore. I was suppressing my gut instincts for so long because of trauma that I assumed I was just overreacting or had anxiety. But no…I wish I had trusted it sooner.

murmaider- , Vera Arsic / pexels Report

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HangryHangryHippo

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💯 Trust your gut! One of my best friends told me she realized her partner was cheating in the most simple way: he was speaking with a woman in the garden and she looked at them through a window (they were friends and this was during a barbeque with several other people) and she had a feeling in the pit of her stomach and she just knew... Doubted herself as the woman and her husband had a close friendship with both, and my friend's kid was just a baby but couldn't shake the bad feeling. Later confronted him and after some denial he admitted to it. He couldn't believe she found out because they were covering their tracks very well. Long story short, listen to you gut people.

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He started being mean for no reason and when we’d go out drinking he’d ask why I was so nice to him.

It was a weird combination of mean for no reason and constantly telling me how nice and kind I was & that he didn’t deserve it..

Then one day while scrolling on someones dog rescue page I heard some older lady passively say “if your dog starts snapping at you, somebody else is feeding it!!”

It’s like a lightbulb went off and everything connected!!

NoNuns_NoNuns_None , Ketut Subiyanto / pexels Report

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Milady Blue

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6 days ago

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Pity you couldn't have taken your ex in to have him put to sleep, OP.

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I always find it unusual when i just start getting accused of cheating or an unusual amount of fabricated fights cos i immediately recognise a guilty conscience.

AppropriateDriver660 , Diva Plavalaguna / pexels Report

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UKGrandad

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Always find it unusual? How many times has it happened?

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I feel some of these comments are missing that the question asked for signs before the cheater ever cheated.

Before my ex ever started suddenly having to work late and early (because he was seeing his AP before and after work) I should have known he would cheat because of his poor boundaries around other women. He would claim he was naturally flirty but it didn't mean anything. He'd always have girl 'besties' that he was too close to. He was too affectionate to other women, like he'd want to play with their hair and ask them to play with his. Basically he was welcoming opportunities for feelings to grow. I don't think he ever made the first move but he encouraged. I know for a fact there were at least two different girls he cheated with. But I suspect one or two others.

I have to coparent with him. He got himself a new girlfriend that's 10 years younger and he's doing the same exact thing with her. It's only a matter of time. This girl seems jealous of me for some reason when she needs to direct her energy to her best friend / his current "bestie".

InnocentHeathy , cottonbro studio / pexels Report

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Jen Dunne

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"poor boundaries around other women. He would claim he was naturally flirty but it didn't mean anything. He'd always have girl 'besties' that he was too close to. He was too affectionate to other women... Basically he was welcoming opportunities for feelings to grow" Yup, this.

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I was very young and naive, and he was my first love. I eventually found solid proof of cheating (multiple times), but here were some good warning signs:

- “disappearing” at the end of the night / unreachable until the next morning
- secretive with phone & deleted all text messages
- kept me away from friends and family
- would not include me on “guys night out” even though the other guys brought their girlfriends
- very reluctant to declare our relationship “official”; avoided claiming me as his “girlfriend”

tbridge8773 , Alena Darmel / pexels Report

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Lene

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He sounds like an a-hole. I hate it when people want to keep you away from other people they know. I had a fwb once who did not want me to meet any of his other friends. Aparently he put all his friends in groups and never let any of the groups meet if he could avoid it. So he had university friends, friends he'd go to concerts with, friends from his hometown etc. So when I became friends with ppl from his other friend groups on my own and I mentioned it to him he'd look so broken somehow? Had enough of it (and other things) and told him that the benefit-thing was not happening anymore. And *whoosh* he disappeared for a while before moving to Finland.

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He checked out other women. Not just a bit, but in obvious ways. I’m also here to say that people that chase after that exciting feeling of love are, in my opinion, much more likely to cheat. They’ll always be searching for that feeling and you can’t give them that forever. They also give themselves away in small ways like saying all men cheat or that they’re “not a good person”. They’ll even say these in a joking way, but actually they’re telling on themselves. Also just a little extra note, stay away from men that disrespect older women or older people in general. It was a big sign that he wanted to cling onto his youth. People like that will usually cheat on you with someone younger someday because they hate growing old. Hope that helps! 

Ok_Scratch_9736 , Katerina Holmes / pexels Report

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Farah the Turtle

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The first bit got me...

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It wasn’t hard to figure out because my husband was a teacher and so was his affair partner. Two things.

1. His car was in the shop. I went to the school to pick him and walked towards his classroom. It was almost Christmas and his affair partner met me in the hallway to greet me and said she had a present for my son. I accepted but thought it was weird.

2. My husband rolled over in bed and I noticed that his phone was on, so I picked it up and it went directly to the Facebook page of the woman I had met just days earlier.

He and she first had sex on Mother’s Day.

I’m not bitter at all.

Anavrin2 , Max Fischer / pexels Report

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Jacquie Carr

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Let it go as best you can; the bitterness isn't affecting him, just you

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When they started using their phone in "secret agent mode" and suddenly had an inexplicable interest in “getting really fit” with someone who wasn’t you, those were the signs. It’s like watching a poorly disguised heist movie where you’re the last to know.

conglectchoup_change , Ron Lach / pexels Report

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Annabelle

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I didn't even know fb "disappearing messages" existed until my then-patrner told me. My first thought (which I never voiced) was just another one of MANY things I lied to myself about, along with all the other red flags I was being gaslit about.

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He became meaner and colder towards me and was way more secretive with his phone. I don’t know if he physically cheated but he absolutely planned to and was having some kind of emotional affair. It’s so so obvious looking back and I kind of knew at the time but didn’t want to believe it as I’m pregnant and I couldn’t imagine him ever hurting me that badly. We’ve been broken up 2 months now.

Necessary-Smoke-94 , cottonbro studio / pexels Report

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Monica G

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Lots of future daddyes cheat just during pregnancy and after

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Building the narrative that he was the victim and I was the villain. Eventually to make it sound like the idea of him cheating was ‘another crazy accusation’. He started doing things like leaving the back door unlocked when he would go out. So that I would mention it when he came home - then he would deny it. Or he would move things, like take things out of our living room and put them in the garage - and when I couldn’t find them he would say he didn’t know what I was talking about. And I would then find them and accuse him of moving them - which he of course denies. Double book stuff then make out I never told him of original plans, and having to cancel was me being insecure. And then just doing other s****y things so that I would have a go at him. He would take the lunch I made for work and then tell me I never made it and he would never just take it. Like I really didn’t realise at first what was going on. But he was painting the picture that I was both going crazy and making stuff up and that I was always having a go/making accusations. And that he was constantly having to deal with me making accusations or being horrible. I picked up on it when he started telling his parents and friends about how much I had a go at him and blamed him for stuff that he ‘honestly’ had know idea about.
He was doing a great job at laying out the narrative that I was paranoid and insecure and making stuff up. So that when his cheating became less careful I just sounded to everyone like I was having a go at him again and being insecure and wanting an excuse for an argument.

Perryandpolly , Gustavo Fring / pexels Report

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Skogsrået

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So gaslighting?

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A hard shift in typical behavior, usually revolving around things that were previously public suddenly being secret.

I caught my ex gf cheating bc she would usually talk about where/who she was with often. Then suddenly became vague about those details. She used to have me use her phone to look things up, and around that same time she suddenly was very guarded about where it was and wouldnt let me look. She also stopped sharing her work schedule.

She got caught because she said she would be working a double, and I had already suspected some shenanigans, so when I casually walked in to her work (and not call her cell directly) to ask her something they said she wasnt there. I immediately called her cell and she said she was in her unit and not to disturb her. “If you were at work we would be having this convo face to face” and hung up. She knew it was over. We had the talk a few hours later and went our separate ways.

blackmobius , Kampus Production / pexels Report

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Did I say that out loud? (he/him)cis/het

Did I say that out loud? (he/him)cis/het

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Someone has watched the Jason Bourne films too often.

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Increased phone use, change of habits, dressing better than ‘usual’, looking after themselves better, might mention someone often, being defensive when asked innocent questions, being distant, being aggressive towards you, story of where they were and with whom changes….etc etc

ExtensionConcept2471 , RDNE Stock project / pexels Report

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Acting like they hate a certain person like really dispise them when in actual fact they fancy them and are secretly seducing them.

Plus_Data_1099 , Katerina Holmes / pexels Report

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Renee Fiola-Homen

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Though my ex husband didn't technically cheat, he did have someone the moment we separated. We hadn't even discussed divorce at this point. We had a mutual friend that he used to say derogatory things behind her back etc acted like he couldn't stand her. Well before the ink was dry on our divorce decree he was engaged to this person and married her the moment it was legal.

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I've had 3 different occurrences of this, so here they are:
1. Start talking a lot about "an old friend of mine, she's so cool, we hangout until 3am yesterday"
2. Saying that he worries I'm gonna leave him for another person one day, jealous of my friends, saying some of my friends must have a crush on me
2. Way more lovey-dovey than usual

iAteBurger , Talal Hakim / pexels Report

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Women swooned over him regularly. I learned that there’s an invisible “Open For Business” sign that some people wear. It’s a vibe. Those with no intention of cheating keep that invisible sign turned off, and the opposite sex can tell.

When I was married the first time, I kept that sign off, and never had to fend off a man from hitting on me. When I was divorced and dating again, I turned my invisible sign on and never wanted for male attention. When I met my 2nd husband, the sign went back off. It’s all about the vibe you throw out there. Cheaters always have the sign on.

Blue85Heron , cottonbro studio / pexels Report

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Stephanie A Mutti

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How do I turn my sign on????? AFAF

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Started watching his diet, taking salads for lunch. Became very protective of his phone. Would go to bed early and would be on the phone when I finally came in - claimed he was playing Candy Crush. Became generally quiet, moody and petulant.

Tonubba-nabubba , Dana Tentis / pexels Report

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Crocodile tears when I accused him of cheating. There are psychopaths and sociopaths that are experts in their games. Don’t buy it. Your gut feel will always tell you.

Broadway2635 , Ketut Subiyanto / pexels Report

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Donna Peluda

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My ex was convinced I was cheating. I wasn't but she let it ruin the relationship. I would never cheat,

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Insane Jealousy/Accusations
Weird phone behavior
Picking fights
Dropping off/avoiding conversation
Becoming obsessed with their looks/appearance/workout

Spooklepoop , Photo By: Kaboompics.com / pexels Report

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Weird feeling in your guts, when everything has been alright for years.

Big_fat_happy_baby , Rhema / pexels Report

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Amelia Jade

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I'm experiencing that right now. But it's just GERD.

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Precognitive dreams, gut instinct, women's items that aren't yours, women's hairs that aren't yours in their house, leaving super super early for work when you know their work doesn't open for hours after, suddenly wanting to get fit, lying about other things, projecting, picking fights to call a "break" at convenient times (birthday, holiday) then come crawling back a week later, d**g abuse (easy to give into temptation) aggressiveness, lack of intimacy, stories changing each time theyre recounted, setting their relationship status to "me only", gaslighting that gets more severe over time to paint you as insecure and "all in your head" etc

Also, proposing openness to a threesome in early days. People who are truly monogamous wouldn't want to open a relationship in any sense, if they're open to the idea then they'll want to pursue it eventually.

Last_Television_8863 , MART PRODUCTION / pexels Report

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