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Building healthy relationships sometimes means cutting people off when their presence becomes detrimental to your well-being. And as tough as it can be, this also includes parents.
In fact, a recent study, drawing on thousands of interviews with adult children, found that 26 percent reported estrangement from fathers and another 6 percent from mothers.
Trying to understand what leads to this difficult decision, Reddit user YoungGod928 asked platform users who have cut ties with their own folks to share some of the early warning signs that pointed to their deteriorating relationships.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
The day I decided to attend a military academy for university. The rules there were less strict than my parents and they would only be able to contact me by mail and could not hold their money over my head. I was free.
Still am.
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#2
I had a notebook counting down the days until I was 18. I started it at like 13. Can’t pinpoint the exact moment but I knew from a very young age I wanted to go far away and never look back. I moved out at 16 and haven’t looked back in 17 years. Wow didn’t realize until typing this that I’ve lived longer outside of that toxicity than in it. What a relief.
#3
When he told me his new wife didn't like me and he did not want to get divorced again so we wouldn't be seeing each other much anymore. I was 14. And his only child.
We spoke maybe a dozen times for the next 30 years. He divorced again. Outlived his next wife. He died alone. I took care of his affairs, only child and all that. I felt nothing. Still don't, 4 years later.
I have 3 sons. They all talk to me, even the grown ones. We get together once a month for dinner and games. Always a great time.
#4
In order for a relationship to deteriorate, it would have to have been good to begin with. My mother was setting up situations where my death would look accidental, all my life. As a child she taught me the wrong way to cross the street, left me outdoors in electrical storms. When I developed life threatening food allergies she sneaked allergen exposures.
One of my earliest memories is of falling through thin ice after she ordered me to play on a frozen pond and promised it was safe. An older child pulled me out and saved my life. Years later, when I had learned to read and saw a description of what it's like to freeze to death, at first I was angry with the book. *No, that can't be!* Then slowly came the realization of how close a call that had been, and how my mother hadn't lifted a finger until she realized there were witnesses.
According to other relatives whose reports are trustworthy, that habit of risking my life goes back to infancy.
I'm probably alive to relate this because she was too cowardly to try things that were likely to get her prosecuted. She had an odd habit of looking over her shoulders to see who was watching during her worst stunts. A kindergarten teacher reported her to CPS and a social worker nearly placed me with other relatives.
Fled from her and moved in with Dad as soon as I turned 11.
#5
Realizing the distance between us wasn't just physical but emotional too. They'd call every once in a while, and I dreaded it. Phone rings, heart sinks. It was never about catching up, always about some complaint or another way I had let them down. One day, it hit me - every call left me feeling drained and guilty for not being the 'perfect' child they wanted. I started screening calls, texts went unanswered, visits became annual formalities. The peace in choosing my mental well-being over trying to meet their impossible expectations was the turning point. You can't choose your family, but you can choose not to let their chaos become your norm.
#6
He wouldn't stop threatening to k*ll us.
Went total NC 30+ years ago and the f****r finally died broke and alone a few years ago. Good riddance to a s**t father.
#7
My Dad used to beat me and my Mom up. He almost k*lled me when I came down with appendicitis when at his house for visitation. He thought I was faking vomiting and being in severe pain, so he punched me in the stomach… I was 11.
I snuck a call to my Mom’s house when he fell asleep. My sister answered and got some people to come get me. My appendix was removed at the hospital the next morning.
Later my Dad brought me a model of a Ferrari that I liked. I asked him if he knew that what he did was wrong. He said, “It’s my god given right to punish my wife and kids whenever and however I see fit.”
I said, “It’s time for you to go.”.
#8
Every time I was on their way to my house I would feel sick to my stomach. I didn’t think anything of it until after we were estranged and I was suddenly much less nauseous all the time.
Ilikemybooksshakennotstirred 4 months ago
Had something similar. My anxiety used to be so bad that I just felt sick all the time. Since I left, went NC and got help, it rarely happens anymore.
#9
When he chose his other woman and her kids and left me alone… in a foreign country.. without anything.
i was 15.. :)).
Erica Ventura 4 months ago
This boggles my mind. I just want to go back in time and scoop every single one of you up and take you home and love you and feed you and tell you you're beautiful.
#10
When they don’t see you as an adult. They still see you as the controllable child. You’re an adult doing adult things in every other sphere of your life. The lack of respect and caring for you as an adult wears on you. If they have a personality disorder you had to tiptoe around, it accelerates this process.
Three major turning points
1. Constant belittling of my kids. None of us were good enough. Critical comparisons to others. My kids accomplishments were mocked. But if another of their grandkids did the same thing…the heavens opened and light shown down on them with praises from heaven.
For example 2 of my kids had national merit scholarships to a top 10 school for their degree. Got them invited to the Governor’s mansion for a luncheon with the other 20 in the state.
My niece gets National honor society and they send presents to her. They ignored my kids. All were Duke TIP scholars, and 10 yrs later a nephew earns that.
He’s praised. There’s something about them doing it to you, but once they do it to your kids, you cant let them. We had already limited contact.
Now both of those adult kids are doing well. They have chosen not to have relationships with that set of grandparents.
2. Playing my siblings against one another. Either praising one to me, or devaluing one to me. I shut it down but they continued with the others. I’ve become the evil one in their story
3. How they speak about me when I’m not there. I’ve heard from their friends some pretty awful things they’ve said. It started when I was very little.
As a teen though they told people I was on d***s, sleeping around etc. I suspect they did it for sympathy, “I have it so hard with Fritos”. I get married and move away. Run into a family friend 4 yrs later and hear how it’s so great “you turned your life around”. What? That’s when I heard what I supposedly was doing. I wasn’t using d***s. I wasn’t sleeping around back then.
The last time I spoke with that parent and they were accusing me of some morally reprehensible behaviors, I ended up telling them that if that’s what they believed of me, they should want nothing to do with me.
I’ve been LC for 20 yrs. And now NC for 5. It’s a very painful decision to choose this. It’s seen as one day I just turned off the switch to them. Where in reality it was 20 plus years of begging them to be more mature, to be an adult in our relationship. If they had made changes we’d not be estranged.
The decision was not made lightly. I no longer have migraines and my health has improved significantly.
Ionescu Popa 4 months ago
i am graduate (university, master and professional courses). my 7 grades father is convinced he is more intelligent and cultured than me.
#11
Raised by a Jehovah's Witness. Need I say more?
*Cough cough*, cult.
Kangaroo 4 months ago (edited)
I lost my absolute #1 best friend to Jehovah’s Witnesses. They said we couldn’t be friends anymore because I was “worldly” which meant I was “guided by Satan” and would “corrupt” her, even though we loved each other and were very good friends. But if she didn’t rejoin the religion, she would lose her family and never be allowed to talk to them again. I told her that her God sounds like a total a*****e but when she’s done with him I’ll always be here for her. It’s been 14 years but my worldly sinner aśs would still be there to help her if she reached out.
#12
Intentionally lying. claim a conversation went one way instead of another. forcing all conversation to then become text-based for future proof
constant, incessant asking for money. like monthly basis with the only info being, “it’s for bills”
Throwing tantrums and demanding that other family members drop everything and fly back to home state to fix things. (parent/brother couldn’t be bothered to take a sick cat to the vet and just threw a fit about the situation).
At least this is what my partner shared with me about her family.
My partner died on May 4th and I talked with her mom for the first time that day for 8 minutes. First 6 minutes were nice and then she started lying to me about the nature of the relationship she had with her daughter (I didnt call her out on the lie but I shouldve). I spent the month of May being called a murderer and being harassed by my partner’s family. That has since settled down but their expressions of grief throughout all of this helped me 100% understand why my partner never wanted me to meet her immediate family. .
#13
When Mum pushed me off the front porch when I was 4. It was a 10ft drop.
#14
I accidentally knocked over a glass of milk at the dinner table. Like a kid might do. It certainly wasn’t a habit. Dad got up and silently left the room. I was relieved because I thought for sure I was in for it and had gotten off light.
He was in my bedroom stuffing all my possessions into trash bags that he put on the curb. Had to sleep on a naked mattress until Christmas when my aunts bought me blankets and sheets. That’s just one example but it was an early one I never forgot.
T'Mar of Vulcan 4 months ago
My cousin once dropped a glass at my house. She immediately got upset and started to cry and apologize. I was like, "What's wrong?" "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" I said I knew that and we'd just clean it up. She hovered like she was waiting to be screamed at. I was like, "It was an accident. They happen." My aunt (her mom) used to scream at you for little infractions. I have a spastic colon and couldn't stop myself from farting (and I farted a lot when I didn't eat for too long) and she'd scream at me and tell me it was disgusting, etc. I only learned when I started teaching that there are people who can fart on purpose. OTOH, my mother only screamed at us if we dropped a glass because we'd be standing there with our bare feet. "Get out of the room!!! You're going to cut yourself!!" She didn't give two sh!ts about a broken glass - she just didn't want us to hurt ourselves.
#15
I don't have a tragic story. My dad is in my life. I see him regularly. He just doesn't have any interest in doing anything he doesn't want to do. He never calls. He never texts. He has never actively wanted to spend time with me. He never wants to share my interests. In fact he generally has actively questioned them. He would do the basics like drive me to sports or pick me up from the subway but drives home would be silent. Maybe he cares. He's never outwardly shown that he has. I can't remember if he's ever told me that he's loved me or was proud of me.
I make it a point to tell my son every day.
#16
I invited a dear friend to a family vacation and my stepdad blew up/escalated to the point she was shaking with anxiety and fear because she hadn’t seen a man behave that way.
As we were leaving there were neighbors standing on their porch, nodding at us, saying “esta bien?” And I knew something had to change.
It wasn’t going to be my parents so it had to be me. I had to stop showing up to take it. I had to stop putting myself and certainly anyone I love in their destructive path.
Cheezumcrow 4 months ago
I’m glad this person saw the need to take initiative bc they knew their parents wouldn’t
#17
She's always been a piece of s**t to me, it just took me having a daughter of my own to realize how absolutely s****y she was, and that I was not the problem in our relationship.
#18
Physically and mentally abused me. Ridicules me but praises me when their comrades and friends visit, taking credit for my achievement.
Ripped my shirt and pjs off around midnight for forgetting to do something and made me sleep like a dog on the balcony butt naked, this happened around when I was 12 years old
Pushed me with so much force that my head hit the corner of the table and left me a bump and scar on my forehead when I was around 5 yrs old and only felt pity on me when she saw my inflamed forehead yet still commanded me to go buy ice for me to put it on it.
Around my puberty, 11 - 13 (cs my father died when i was 13 lol) My mother felt jealous of me and my father bcs he's defending me every time she's being ballistic. Then turned him into a monster too that whips me with belt.. maybe you're wondering why? Yeah, bcs she thinks it's hot when he's being the one who gets angry and ballistic bcs she gives her head and f****d after they bruised me. They used to kick me out of the house for them to get f****d while me crying and having no idea what I did so wrong for them to punish me like that, and that's how my little sister was made :).
Literally, can't even sit down on my butt and sleep on my back because of the huge bruises on my butt down to the back of my legs.
Speaking of bruises, I used to wear long sleeves/jackets at school because of my green and violet bruises on my arm. And speaking of school, Since the school was only a cross the street away from our house, my mother used to slap my face, pull and twist my ears before I got to school. And my classmates were always used to watching me walk inside the class with red cheeks with a slap mark while tearing up.
Up to this day, still happening to me actually, kinda used to it. Thought there'll be hope for her and for me but I got nothing. Currently getting a degree in Psychology bcs I thought I wanted to help people and understand people more it was just her.. the more I study, the more I understand her yet the more I get sick to my stomach why is she that way but realized that I just wanted to help her and understand her but turns out, I'm the one who needed it. I needed help. I'm crying for help. Now, looking for a job at bpo secretly and hours away from our house bcs I'm giving up trying to find hope for her.
I decided to prioritize myself now. After all these years. Now was the only time that I felt pity for myself, that it isn't selfish not to be selfless.
Sunny Day 4 months ago
What tipped me over the edge was reading an article about how kids will often be closer to the abusive parent. Like, the kid's covered in bruises. CPS comes in to take the kid, and it's clinging to mom and screaming "mommy" as they carry him away. CPS thinks dad must be the abuser. No - mom is the abuser. The kid clings to her and loves her and tries to please her - because if he could get her to love him, she wouldn't hurt him anymore, right? (Because the kid thinks it's HIS fault she beats him.) It explained so much about my childhood.
#19
My dad is a narcissist and gas lit me my entire childhood and early adulthood. I went to college and as I became educated I realized what he was doing to me all those years. I cut him off, reunited, cut him off, etc. Now we haven’t spoken in 6 years because I called him out on his manipulation and bruised his ego. Of course his narcissistic a*s thinks he’s the victim here, that I’m a cold hearted person. Life is so much better without him. I don’t feel like I’m walking on egg shells any more trying to dance around his ego and perceived injustices.
#20
I always knew my mom was a bit of a pathological liar. She liked having her stories especially when it meant entertaining people. Then I found out she was lying to me about what she was doing with my son when she was watching him. Going to the park, meant watched cartoons all day. Ate some pasta and apple sauce, meant had ice cream and cookies. She was even giving him caffienated soda at the age of 2yo. I found out from my aunt who lives with her what was actually going on. When I confronted her, she was just like "this is what grandmas do". For the record, we didn't ask her to watch him. We had other sources of childcare. She would ask to spend time with her grandson, but then get easily frustrated when he would fuss. I would tell her to call me if it got too much and I would pick him up, but she wouldn't. Even though she wasn't doing any serious harm, I can't let anyone have alone time with my kid if they're dishonest with me. .
#21
I felt like they were constantly criticizing my life choices instead of supporting me.
BannedFromABoatShow 4 months ago
I started lying to my parents pretty consistently when I was around 12 through maybe 20. Since they were going to judge everything I did or said, they can criticize my fake life and I’ll live my real one. It was a hard habit to break though. But now at 45, they still criticize but now I only tell them maybe 10% of what happens in my life. Critique how I went to the post office? If it makes you that happy then go for it.
#22
My parents making everything I vent to them about, about themselves..
Ionescu Popa 4 months ago (edited)
or mine defending the part i blame and blaming me instead in every occasion.
#23
When they told me I wasn’t ‘Christian enough’ of an example for my younger siblings and would no longer be welcome in their house.
Why wasn’t I ‘Christian enough’? I told a youth pastor my older bro was SA-ing me.
Needless to say, I have issues with organized religion (the pastors (yes, multiple) did nothing) and don’t have any relationship with the parentals.
That doesn’t stop them from trying to ‘get the whole family together’ because it would be ‘so nice’ to have a family picture of everyone smiling together….
Amberlie Mikelsen 4 months ago
I have faith, but I have no use or care for organized religion. Faith comes directly from a higher power, regardless of what you happen to call him, her, it, or them. All religion is man-made and therefore flawed, because all mankind is flawed. Pobody's Nerfect!
#24
I would be forced to forgive them by other relatives. If my father threw things at me and destroyed my possessions and screamed, I was pressured to be the bigger person and mend the relationship.
If my mother kicked me and told me I "needed to be evaluated" and "something is wrong with your brain" for not wanting to hang out with a relative who was grooming me (who gave my parents a lot of money), I couldn't interact with my other relatives until I started talking to her again.
I knew from an early age I'd leave them all someday and finally be able to hold a damn grudge in peace.
Bubba Jones 4 months ago
I'm so sorry OP, i hope you find peace and love and have a wonderful life away from all that.
#25
There wasn’t much of a relationship to begin with. My earliest memories involved being insulted and smacked around by parents.
Once I broke free of them, it felt like this massive burden was lifted from my shoulders. I was a new man.
#26
My husband hasn't seen his parents in 23 years. Mom left when he was a teen, stayed in town but didn't want to be a Mom anymore. She regrets it now at nearly 70 but it's too late. Dad raised him but didn't want to. When he moved away from home at 22, they just stopped speaking. Parents over all just didn't have interest in kids, but for some reason, they had 4.
#27
In my 40’s. My dad died 3 years ago. Before his death he was the only reason I was in the same room with my mother. 10 years ago she drove over to my house one night and she tried to call me to repentance for leaving culty Mormonism. And when I got divorced from my ex wife, her first words were “how could you do this to me”. I didn’t speak to her at all for almost two years. After my dad died I tried being the best son again. I called her often, etc. But her not allowing me to give the eulogy as the eldest child in the family and having my younger Mormon brother do it hurt a ton. My dad was my best friend.
#28
When family dinners turned into epic debates on who’s the bigger drama queen.
#29
When my mother would leave me home alone at 4 years old, the last straw was overhearing her say how much she wished I had died instead of my sister, & then she took my kids from me, and making it impossible to get them back, but I’m still fighting.
Charles McChristy 4 months ago
There's a lot missing here. They don't take your kids away for being a stellar parent.
#30
When my mother tried to get me to prioritize her over my new wife of
What do you think ?
Sergio Bicerra 4 months ago
May sound anti civil rights, but some poeple should be forced to a vasectomy o their tubes tied after these.
Tempest 4 months ago (edited)
These submissions reminded me of how, when I was really young, I liked to imagine that I was adopted and that my real parents had died in an accident. I didn’t understand it at the time but I was feeling so neglected (emotionally) by my parents, especially my mom, so much so that my mind created this alternate story cause I couldn’t imagine real parents being like mine. Part of me actually even believed it to be true. When I was bundled up crying alone in my room, trying to get myself to fall asleep, I would travel to that story and console myself saying that “mama loves you”, “mama’s here for you”, etc (mama is the “real” mom I imagined). Now as an adult I’m diagnosed with BPD and OCPD on top of long-term depression, and am struggling in every relationship, making me feel equally lonely as I was when I was a kid but with the additional knowledge of the unchangeable reasons. I can’t wait to become independent and go low contact with my parents.
Ginger Winters 4 months ago
Unfortunately I am in the same boat. I had dreams like that too, this fantasy family that actually cared, was actually there, didn't physically/ emotionally abuse me. The dream family came true when I met my husband at 18, married at 22, became a mom at 26. Have been NC with the abusers since 24 and my mental health is still getting better every day
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Sergio Bicerra 4 months ago
May sound anti civil rights, but some poeple should be forced to a vasectomy o their tubes tied after these.
Tempest 4 months ago (edited)
These submissions reminded me of how, when I was really young, I liked to imagine that I was adopted and that my real parents had died in an accident. I didn’t understand it at the time but I was feeling so neglected (emotionally) by my parents, especially my mom, so much so that my mind created this alternate story cause I couldn’t imagine real parents being like mine. Part of me actually even believed it to be true. When I was bundled up crying alone in my room, trying to get myself to fall asleep, I would travel to that story and console myself saying that “mama loves you”, “mama’s here for you”, etc (mama is the “real” mom I imagined). Now as an adult I’m diagnosed with BPD and OCPD on top of long-term depression, and am struggling in every relationship, making me feel equally lonely as I was when I was a kid but with the additional knowledge of the unchangeable reasons. I can’t wait to become independent and go low contact with my parents.
Ginger Winters 4 months ago
Unfortunately I am in the same boat. I had dreams like that too, this fantasy family that actually cared, was actually there, didn't physically/ emotionally abuse me. The dream family came true when I met my husband at 18, married at 22, became a mom at 26. Have been NC with the abusers since 24 and my mental health is still getting better every day
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