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We like to think we're on top of things, but that doesn't mean we are. For example, according to a survey sponsored by USANA and conducted by OnePoll, roughly four in five Americans consider themselves knowledgeable about the human body, but one-third of respondents didn't know we have two kidneys, and one-fifth believed we have three or more.
Which is probably why, when Reddit user Graynard asked all the doctors on the platform to share the wildest conversations they’ve had with adults, many came forth with stories that were equal parts surprising and amusing. From grown men thinking they’re experiencing menopause to women fearing they’ll contract AIDS through a toilet seat, our ignorance can be pretty impressive.
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#1
**I don't want my baby to get a vaccine because Jenny McCarthy's book says her son got Autism from the Thimerosal in his MMR vaccine.**
- Jenny McCarthy is a one time playboy model who wants to sell you her books.
- MMR is a live vaccine and does not contain Thimerosal.
- Thimerosal contains Ethylmercury which clears from your body in a ~10 days unlike methylmercury which stays for months and actually causes damage.
- Measles killed 135,000 people in the world ~~THIS~~ LAST YEAR
- Autism has a strong genetic component. If one identical twin has it, there is a 75% chance the other will as well.
~~with 75% of identical twins both having autism.~~
- Andrew Wakefield faked the research linking autism to MMR vaccine, lost his license to practice medicine, and made millions helping lawyers sue and selling books. He lives in a mansion in England.
I went to school for 11 years, spent 10,000 hours studying and just want to make sure your child stays healthy. Quit thinking your 5 minutes of internet research means anything, get over yourself, and vaccinate your damn baby.
RELATED:
#2
Not a doctor, but my human sexuality professor in grad school had some interesting stories. He worked a lot in very conservative Christian communities and so a lot of times people got married with no sex education. He had one couple who couldn't get pregnant. Turns out they thought sleeping together literally meant sleeping in the same bed. Another couple was in therapy because neither one of them enjoyed sex or ever had an orgasm. After having them talk through step by step what they did in bed, he learned the guy was just sticking it in and nothing else. He told the guy to move back and forth next time and see what happened. They couple came back one more time to say "THANK YOU!!!!!" and didn't need any more sessions.
Julia Mckinney 4 hours ago
I've often thought that the whole "stay a virgin til you get married" thing was a crock. How can tell if your and your spouse are sexually compatible if you don't sleep together before the wedding?
#3
Well it looks like she is about 30 days pregnant congrats!
How can she be pregnant she is only around her brother?
...well actually they don't follow the same moral code as you or I.
- veterinarian.
#4
Patient comes in at 2am for insomnia, clearly tweaking her brains out, heart rate 200. Can't sit still, bouncing off the walls. I suggest maybe easing up on the cocaine. "But doctor, I LOVE cocaine." K.
Nice Beast Ludo 3 hours ago
You love cocaine so why are you in the hospital trying to cure your high???
#5
That the 30+ cups of coffee he was drinking every day could possibly be the cause of his chief complaints of anxiety and insomnia. He said he was not willing to give this up or try decaf.
#6
Lady had a broken jaw. She comes in after 2 weeks with an open mandible fracture. Referred her to the hospital for immediate surgery. She never went bc it "doesn't bother her and she'll see if it gets better".
#7
Medical Assistant to a cataract surgeon here.
If you f*****g sleep in your contact lenses long enough, they will fuse to your eyes and will need surgery to have them removed. Yes, you can go blind from this. For the love of God, don't sleep in your contact lenses.
#8
I was living in China and taught English on the side to a student whose mother was a physician. This was in 2012 just prior to the London Olympics, the mother wanted to send her daughter to London with a school group to watch the Olympics but has reservations about it. I asked why, she said she was worried that her daughter would catch AIDS from using the public toilets. Yes, a doctor.
Robin Roper 3 hours ago
I was once asked by a 17 year old if she could get HIV from a toilet seat. I started with "To contract HIV from a toilet, an open wound on your body (buttocks) would have to come into contact with fresh/wet blood, semen, vaginal fluids, or beast milk." I then asked, "If you went into a toilet of any kind and there was fresh/wet blood, semen, vaginal fluids, or beast milk on the seat or anywhere in the stall, wouldn't you choose a different toilet to use?" I also explained that if she chose to use that toilet and didn't have an open wound on her buttocks, how she would have to oddly straddle the wet and disgusting toilet in such as way as for the fluids to enter her body though one of the natural openings she had between her legs. Her mother was an idiot; It was an interesting conversation.
#9
There was a nursing student I had once who laughed loudly and exclaimed 'How can you possibly get an STD in your mouth?' ahh the innocence of youth.
#10
My friend is a student doctor and is on placement at a small town doctor's office.
She had a 70-ish year old woman come in with complaints of a small but painless growth that was visible at the back of her throat.
Turns out it took her 70 years to notice her uvula.
#11
As a veterinarian, I had a 10 minute conversation with an owner explaining which side was the dog's left side.
#12
Not a doctor, dental hygienist...
Had to explain that brushing your teeth with Comet ( the cleaner ) was not a good way to clean your teeth to a 40 year old woman.
Also had to tell a woman that painting her teeth with white finger nail polish was a bad idea.
AtMostAFabulist 3 hours ago
Comet, is worse than Listerine, Comet, will make your mouth turn green. Comet, will make you vomit. So buy some Comet and vomit today.
#13
I'm not a doctor but I suppose this is related, my mother (before she had kids) grew up not even knowing that you could breastfeed a baby. She was never told anything about what breasts were for, sex and even about homosexuality.
Her parents never talked about any topic that was considered taboo, my mother learnt about that once she had her first baby subsequently at 16.
#14
My sister (who is a new redditor and hope sees this) is a doctor and 25 years ago when she had her very very first patient out of residency and this patient refused to allow her to see her breasts (which were sore and needed a mammogram to check out a lump). So sister asks why and this girl who is about 30 and single said matter of factly "oh. That's lesbian. We can't do that. It's against the lord's wishes." She loves telling this story at the dinner table on family gatherings. Especially to our religious side.
#15
Dentist here
Things I've had to explain to parents:
1. Breast milk CAN cause cavities
2. Don't put your kids to bed with a bottle with Coke in it. (They then switched to Diet Coke).. facepalm
3. Don't wiggle out your permanent teeth just because the tooth fairy will give you money.
4. You can't brush cavities away with toothpaste or any of these new Internet fads (oil pulling, honey, chocolate) once your cavity is deep enough it needs to be fixed by a dentist.
5. Fluoride isn't poison any more than table salt is poison. Small quantities are good for you. Anyone who tells you otherwise has been lied to and believed it.
I have plenty more, but I'd have to think harder.
Edit: Had a few questions about #3.. there was a little guy probably 8 years old or so that had wiggled out his 4 lower PERMANENT incisors (front teeth) after wiggling out his 4 baby teeth in the corresponding spots because his family made such a big deal about giving him money from the tooth fairy. They were in my office asking when the new teeth would be coming in.... had to tell them NEVER.
Edit#2: incisors only have 1 root typically and when it first erupts it is not completely developed and the tooth is still moving through bone so it isn't really firm in place yet.. this kid capitalized on a single-rooted, undeveloped, erupting tooth, and with a little elbow grease and the promise of riches was able to tough it out.
#16
My Dad's answer(I am not a doctor): My dad had to tell a patient that they were not pregnant. The patient was male.
Nice Beast Ludo 2 hours ago
Was it a giant hair and teeth tumor baby? Referring to greys anatomy episode
#17
Not a doctor, but I regularly have people come in for eye examinations because 'when I take my glasses of things are blurry'. Often these aren't passing comments during the exam, but the main reason for their visit to the clinic.
Anxiousguest 3 hours ago
As an eye doctor , I agree. But many a times they are worried that it's a disease. And spectacle is a temporary solution, but not "cute". Some of them want to rule out cataract . Some of them want to know options such as lasik . But once , after explaining ,most of them are good to go
#18
I had severe asthma as a kid. I was intubated for a sever attack a few times. My parents were instructed to take better precautions in our home and went through instructions, more dusting, washing bedsheets etc.. and the big one NO SMOKING inside the house. So my parents agree to all of this.
Few weeks later I'm back in the hospital. A doctor recognized me and came over to talk. Then he bent over and smelled my head (I'll never forget that. I thought it was so weird). He told a nurse to sit there and not let me leave with my parents. When my parents showed up he asked point blank:
"Did you not understand what I told you last time? Do you understand these attacks could be fatal?"
"But we open windows and have stopped smoking in her room when we put her to bed" :/.
#19
That having sex gets you pregnant. It was a 20+ year old woman that couldn't grasp the idea that sex leads to pregnancy. She thought that in order for a man and a woman to have children, they needed to be married first and then have a baby. That sex was just an act unrelated to it.
Then again, we are talking about a small rural community in the middle of f*****g-nowhere, Mexico.
#20
So, not a doctor but I work at a hospital.
We had someone come into A&E because they needed their nails redoing...
They genuinely thought it was a good idea to go to accident and emergency to have their fake nails taken off and redone because they had gotten too long and become uncomfortable.
#21
I'm a dental hygienist and once was telling a patient after a cleaning that she had gingivitis. She replies with "I must have caught it from my boyfriend". Had to explain to her that it's because she doesn't brush/floss enough. She was 36.
#22
My brother is a general practitioner in rural Tennessee. Enough said, right?
He says most of his patient visits go about like this:
MD "Well, person, you're pre diabetic, have high blood pressure, and are complaining about joint pain. Have you been exercising and cutting out sugar and carbs?"
Person "yeah I have, doc, but it doesn't seem to help. Do you have any better meds you could prescribe?"
MD "well, let's talk about your diet. How much water do you drink a day?"
Person "I don't like water, so I get extra ice in my sweet tea every day to make sure I get enough water."
MD (explains how that's not enough water by a long shot) "how much sweet tea are you drinking every day? Those can have a lot of sugar in them."
Person "well I get a large one from Hardee's/McDonalds/ wherever on my way to work with my breakfast, and another one on my way home for dinner. Then I have a glass or two when I get home."
MD "well, that's a lot of sugar. And a lot of fast food if you are eating it twice a day. What do you eat at home?"
Person "I don't like to cook so I usually don't eat anything but little Debbie snack cakes at home."
MD "those have a lot of sugar too..."
Person "I thought that all I had to do was cut out Mountain Dew! Now you're saying I can't eat my food or my snacks?! What are you suggesting I do? Eat salads for every meal?! Why can't you just up my meds?!".
#23
Paramedic here.
Was driving with my partner and patient in the back. Patient was fine. Patient's skeezy boyfriend was riding in the front with me and apparently saw a golden opportunity to ask a question that had obviously been on his mind for some time.
Him: So when cats and dogs eat grass, that means they have cancer, right?
Me: Ummm. No. No it does not.
Made for an awkwardly silent ride the rest of the way.
Dahamada Jamawas 3 hours ago
If this makes a silent ride for sure, I will ask that every Uber driver from now on.
#24
Had to explain to an adult you have to brush all the sides of a teeth. Like... no, just the side that shows when you smile is not enough. And yes flossing is not just a thing for rich people.
Breadcrumb. 4 hours ago
I watched a YouTube video on how to brush properly, my parents never taught me.
#25
My mom is a nurse and told me about this guy with 17 kids (all girls) from 6 different women. He kept on having children because he really wanted a son- she had to explain that he was the determining factor for the baby's sex.
#26
I was a newly minted graduate with fresh and optimistic views on my life as a doctor. Second week in came this old lady and her very dysfunctional family.
They would argue and complain about everything, from the food, the nurses they didnt like and every single medical decision we made. She was very very sick so her management was just as complicated.
She had several children and they all didnt like one another and would not talk to one another. Each time we would have to explain a long update to every single one of them because they "are entitled to hear it from a doctor".
One of these stories being sitting down and explaining why you don't give gatorade as an IV drip. They did not understand why we were giving "salt water" to her.
Conversation with her son:
"Look she likes gatorade, she is drinking it so why cant you give it to her through her drip?"
We explain why.
Son frowns. "But its isotonic."
We explain again.
"Yes but gatorade has more electrolytes."
We explain again.
"Salt water just seems to be too cheap. Cant you give her something else closer to gatorade? That has electrolytes?"
Continues for two hours. Wash and repeat every day during her admission.
Afterwards I told my fiance. He opened up a scene from Idiocracy on youtube and I just sat there with my mouth open for a while.
Kenneth Barns 3 hours ago
Each time we would have to explain a long update to every single one of them because they "are entitled to hear it from a doctor". NO. Updates are with the (competent) patient--or, if not competent, with the appropriate surrogate decision-makers--and any support people who happen to be there at the time. MAYBE, a single separate discussions with whomever the patient nominates as the "family liaison". Any questions from other family members get redirected to the liaison or to the patient themselves. Health care staff don't have the time to offer one-on-one play-by-play after-reports to everyone who wants one, and that is before you even consider the potential issues of confidentiality (especially between members of a dysfunctional family).
#27
A mother came in with her son to discuss treating his acne. Son was about 15 years old and didn't really care about the acne but mom did. After going over treatment options she asked if he just needed to "do it" to get rid of the acne. A grown woman with a child thought that by him having sex his acne would magically go away...smh
EDIT: It seems that many people think that having being a teenager = acne, thus having sex makes you a man and you would no longer have acne. Odd thought process IMO.
#28
Nurse here. Retired after 27 years on the job. The number of American 20-somethings that don't know if they're circumcised or not is surprisingly high. When one with urinary tract infection symptoms needs to give a specimen for testing, I ask, "Are you circumcised?" If not, I have to tell them to pull back the foreskin before peeing in the cup. The number of guys who have asked, "What's that?" is way too many. For the record, I can count the number who were uncircumcised on two hands.
#29
Had a patient in our high priority area for DKA. Sugar was in the 800s. Stomach pain, nausea, vomiting and the such. Pulled Burger King and gummy worms out of his backpack and proceeded to eat them. Like bro do you even know what diabetes is? Noncompliance and lack of medical knowledge is a big thing in Detroit.
#30
Obligatory not me but my wife. She's a nurse practitioner and had to explain to a 40 year old man that brown sugar did, in fact, contain sugar and that is most likely the reason why he now has diabetes. The same man also adamantly insisted his wine consumption was not an issue because he "only drank the dry stuff like chianti so it doesn't have any sugar.".
#31
Patient made an appointment and brought in his s**t in a box. He was concerned about the size of his turd, and if it's normal. All he got from the visit was, "Normal turd. Yes, it's pretty wide."
Turd box was set out with biohazard waste. Waste guy thought it was a misplaced package and put it on the front desk. Secretary got quite the surprise that day..
#32
A 32 year old grown man asked me if the hot spells he was experiencing at night meant he was going through menopause.
#33
Im an ER doc and see this far too often with young and middle aged people with minor aches
Patient : I have some *insert pain in random joint/limb/back* since yesterday.
Me: Did you take any thing for the pain
Patient: no I didn't
Me: why
Heres where I get multiple equally stupid answers from people
A : I wanted to see a doctor first (why??????? These people have mild pain and are willing to wait for hours for no reason)
B: I don't know what to take (how does anyone from the age of 15 onwards not know about Tylenol/advil/generic OTC pain meds is beyond me )
C: I don't like taking pills (the f**k do you think I'm going to do, lay hands and make it better I'm not a f*****g paladin!!!
#34
Not a doctor (yet) but an ER tec for ~2 years. Mom comes in with her baby plus two more older kids. Complains that the baby hasn't pooped in a while and wont stop crying. As I'm settling them in with one of the nurses, the baby is bawling, like opera singer lungs bawling. Suddenly mom whips out a white plastic shopping bag and sticks an end in the kids mouth, says "this is the only way she stops crying." Nurse and I share a look and immediately order and emergency x-ray on the kids stomach. Turns out she had ingested a good amount of these bags and it was blocking up in her stomach. Big deal, potentially life threatening. When we confront the mom about her baby feeding habits her only words of defense are "Well I checked all over the bag and I couldn't find anything that said 'non edible.'"
TLDR: Mom had been letting her baby teeth on plastic bags because she didn't know they weren't edible.
#35
I'm really late to this one but maybe someone will get a kick out of it.
A few years ago, the subject of human anatomy came up between a friend and I. He went on this whole tangent about how all men have uteruses because his college professor said so. I don't know if his professor was trying to explain transmen and some wires got crossed or what. But I had to explain to this fully grown man that he did not, nor did any natural born male, have a uterus. I sent him diagrams and told him to google for himself if he didn't believe me. He said those were fake, "Professor so and so said!" I asked him where he thought his uterus was and he said "the same place yours is". When I countered with "oh you have a vagina?" He got quite angry and said men don't have vaginas. I explained that not having a vagina means not having a uterus. He laughed at me and said "okay, just go ahead and believe that." Why yes I will go ahead and believe anatomical facts 🙄.
We weren't really friends anymore after that, especially since I asked about 20 times wether or not he was joking.
#36
This is kind of the opposite. I'm a patient and went to a doc in the box because i hurt my foot and i have diabetes. (foot injuries should always be checked when you have diabetes) the Doc at the urgent care pricked my finger and saw that my sugar was 150. I just had lunch and my "normal" is between 120 and 150. He told me i had to lower it and said i should drink a coke because coke always regulates peoples sugar for some reason and he doesn't know why. I say no thanks and and he gets all mad cause he's the Dr and doesn't want me to leave until my sugar goes down. I called my real Dr while he was out of the room and after getting yelled at for going to a doc in the box he said he'll take care of it. 2 mins later the nurse came in and i was free to go. I didn't see the Dr. on the way out. Either with a different patient or avoiding me. Ill never go there again.
Edit: A "doc in a box" is any urgent care facility acting as a primary/ER but not quite either.
Grudge-holding Treefrog 3 hours ago
“I see your blood sugar is high. Have some sugar for that”
#37
That coming to the ER for a pregnancy test is a very very expensive way to do it. Apparently she didn't know you could buy one at the Rite-Aid down the block. Seriously, don't come to the ER for a pregnancy test, cause the test results won't be the only surprise you'll be getting.
Also, if you have diabetes, that you need to take your medication. No, 'getting fatter' isn't the worst that can happen. The worst that can happen is that you'll die. That's why you're in the ER with diabetic ketoacidosis and suffering organ damage. It's why you're gonna lose your toes. Take your goddamn meds.
Kenneth Barns 8 minutes ago
Story time. A few decades ago, when I was young pup working in a Catholic hospital's Emergency, a (very) young couple presented to triage asking for a pregnancy test. The nurse asked them how far along they thought the pregnancy was, and the couple looked at each other for a bit before the young lass blushed and whispered: "About 45 minutes." :)
#38
I'm a paramedic and recently transported an idiot who self presented to the local hospital, who found he was having a heart attack (stemi) and needed him sent to a bigger hospital for treatment.
During my assessment I asked him how long he'd been having chest pain. On and off for twelve months, he tells me.
Any family history? (One of the biggest indicators). Oh, yes. Dad died of a heart attack. Brother died of a heart attack. Both of them first presentation, stone dead on the spot, no f*****g about.
So... you have a 12 month history of intermittent chest pain, and a family history of your closest male relatives spontaneously chucking hearties and dying, and you've never got it investigated. Further more, the only reason you came to the hospital tonight is because your family badgered you into it.
I told him he needed a solid kick in the a**e. To his credit, he agreed.
Family's_disappointment 2 hours ago
At least he had the decency to understand his mistake and then try fix it
#39
So I'm ~~only~~ an EMT, but I want to weigh in here to this conversation.
I had to tell a patient with severe pneumonia (and the patient's family) that you don't get sick (i.e. catch a cold) by leaving your skin exposed. The family was vehemently debating me on the fact claiming that I had no idea what I was talking about because I'm not a doctor.
Attempting to explain to them the necessity for a foreign body to enter your system was the most preposterous thing to them.
Edit: I just want to say to everyone who flooded my inbox with wonderful sentiments regarding the work of EMTs and paramedics. That appreciation makes dealing with the seemingly inexorable chorus of professionals telling us (me) otherwise much easier.
#40
That taking that weird plant they bought from a "pharmacy" online isn't 14.324 times better than chemo and doesn't only attack cancer cells because it likes the acid environment in it.
#41
Not a doctor, but my favorite story from the last time this topic came up.
A woman came to her obgyn for an exam as she had an infection of some sort. The doctor did the exam and asked the usual questions "Are you sexually active, etc." and nothing seemed to obviously be the case. At some point though, the woman lets slip that she's sick and tired of dealing with this infection that she's had her whole life. That perks up the doctors antennae and so the doctor tentatively asked her which direction she wiped when she uses the toilet. This 30-something year old woman had been wiping back to front her whole life and didn't have any idea of the problems that could, and was, leading to.
#42
Not a doctor, but a coworker asked about a surgery we had just finished at the animal hospital I work at. The dog had a pyometra (pus filed uterus) we removed. When I told her this, she looked at me in horror and asked how the dog was going to be able to pee without a uterus.
She's 25.
#43
My mother helps the Amish get dental care. One Amish woman complained that she needed new dentures. When asked why she thought so, she replied, "Well, I've lost weight, and you know that when you lose weight, you lose it in your gums first."
Doctors and dentists: if you're looking for a community to serve, the Amish can truly use your help. I could write a book about the things I've seen.
#44
My mother is a doctor. She once told me this story about a patient she had (she serves low income people, so typically immigrants/minorities, usually without health insurance). The man is from Central America and is there for a normal check up. Typical of most patients, he has fairly high blood pressure. However, this man is also having bowel problems. So my mother asks, "What color and consistency is your feces when you need to use the bathroom?" The man has no idea what she's talking about. My mom tries again: "Your poop. What color and/or consistency is it typically?" The man still has no clue what she's saying (he understands a bit of english). She tries again. "Your doo doo." Nothing. "Your fecal matter." Nothing. "Your poo." Nothing. "Not number one, but number two." Nothing. Finally she asks, "It's not liquid when it comes out, but its more solid, you know?" The man has an epiphany. "Ohh, you mean s**t!" he says. "Yes, your s**t." So my highly educated, professional mother has to continue the rest of the checkup asking about his s**t. "What color is your s**t?" "Is it more wet?" "Does it hurt when you take a s**t?"
This went on for a fair amount of time. My mom nearly burst out laughing by the end of it. Absolutely amazing what a minor language barrier can do ...
#45
I don't know how much of this is true, it was my cousin (who is a doctor) who told me. He was in his first year in a clinic and people went there to have an appointment because he was good looking. Elder ladies loved him particularly. But this is totally unrelated, and the worst case was when this elder lady goes in with her granddaughter, around 8 yo. She had a severely infected wound in her head. Upon close inspection, he saw the wound crawling with small maggots and the smell was terrible. He was pissed, of course, and asked why didn't she washed the wound and brought her earlier. She said she thought it would heal with time and was afraid to wash it, lest water enters her brain and kills her. There was also this woman that took her 6 yo daughter there to check why she still didn't have pubes.
#46
Not a doctor, but I agreed to pick up my good friend's wife from her pregnancy sonogram. Driving home, the wife tells me she's surprised it's a girl because the last kid was a girl and "it's supposed to go 'boy-girl-boy-girl', right?".
#47
From when I was a resident, working in the living hell that is the GYN-ER at a major Florida hospital.
Woman comes in complaining of missed periods. Hasn't had one in two months.
Me: Do you think there is any chance you may be pregnant?
Patient: No! That's impossible.
Me: Are you sexually active?
Patient: Yes, of course
Me: Do you use protection?
Patient: No.
Me: Do you think you might be pregnant??
Repeat for 15 minutes.
Edit: I swear, we could have reduced the number of visits to that ER by stapling a bag of pregnancy tests to the door with a sign saying "Think you're pregnant? Take one" and tacking a vaginal ultrasound probe to the door with a sign saying "Want a picture of the baby? We use this to take the ultrasound.".
#48
This will be a long story:
When I was an Internal Medicine resident I came across a very nice 50 year-old Dominican lady, she was well mannered but one could tell she was not the sharpest tool in the shed. As I was prepping her chart for our first visit, I noticed that she'd been seen by every single digestive disease MD in our hospital system. Not only that, she'd had EVERY SINGLE PROCEDURE IN THE BOOK. Ranging from endoscopies up both holes and culminating in an exploratory laparotomy (you're opened up to basically look inside you when we have no clue what's going on). All of this because for years she had one single complaint, she reported severe gnawing pain in her stomach. At this point I should mention that she was spanish speaking only. Not only that she had a very heavy dominican accent, and I was the first hispanic doctor to ever see her. My first language is spanish and even I had difficulty understanding her. So she comes in and after exchanging some first time pleasentries I politely ask her how she's doing. Sure enough although she was smiling and said she felt well she pointed at her belly and said "it" was biting again, and asked for the cream to kill "it". At this point I got intrigued. Her medication list only mentioned a cream used for herpes breakthroughs. The previous fellow only mentioned in his note that in every single visit she only asked for the cream and nithing else. When I asked what she meant by the biting and what she intended to do with the cream, she very calmly tells me she intended to stick the cream up her a*s in order to kill the bird living inside her. After delving more deeply into her story, it turns out she didn't have a medical condition. Ever since she was a little girl, she believed tahat after eating whole quail egg, the bird had spawned inside her and gnawed away in her insides whenever she was very hungry. After a short visit to psych, she was diagnosed with a somatic type delusional disorder. No amount of medication or psychotherapy will cure her, but she was still a fully functional mother of 2 who payed her taxes and had to part-time jobs. I reached out to every digestive disease doctor in out hospital system once more, to make sure she never receives an inappropriate invasive intervention. I've been following her now for three years and she's happy as one can be, considering she has a bird living inside her..
tldr: lady complains of "pain" in her belly, worst case of lost in translation ensues, gets very invasive medical procedures, turns out she's just cuckoo.
#49
Son of a physician here. Was told an interesting one a while back.
Basically, there were some patients who would have rings put around the top of the stomach in an attempt to make it so they couldn't eat as much food (they'd get sick if they had more than could pass through the ring, if I recall correctly). The idea was that this would help in reducing weight in patients who drastically needed it down so as to help with their health issues.
Well, some of them would learn that if you ate only a little over what the ring would allow at a time, you'd eventually be able to eat ridiculously large servings again. This was because the ring would stretch out over time.
You can imagine what the conversation between doctor and patient was like when the doctor found out what the patient had been doing.
#50
While on dermatological rotation, a Middle Eastern patient saw me with what she described as some funny, itching growth in her butt crack. Some quick investigation revealed it to be a severe case of genital warts. I explained the diagnosis and that it was an STD until she shockingly assured that she was still a virgin. Now virginity is a big issue for young muslim women (or perhaps their families even more), but apparently that doesn't cover a**l sex and therefore no birth control in the form of, say, condoms was needed.
EDIT: I thought I share another story but this time with a colleague being the one acting stupidly. This was when I finally made it to neuroradiology and in comes this mother whose maybe three, four months old son we would scan today because he had epileptic seizures after his birth. Apparently, the paediatricians didn't tell her about the fits nor the severe neurological birth defects they knew about for weeks so I had to explain her that her child had mental disabilities. That was probably the first time I flipped out on a colleague I didn't even know over the telephone and, in the heat of the moment, wanted to find this idiot and spit in his face. He was totally oblivious of how he f****d up, saying there was a language barrier while this hospital employs a whole department of translators just for such cases.
#51
Am GP in small town British medical centre. Older lady came into one of the day clinics with a large shopping bag emitting a foul smell, so much so we gave her the 'special treat' reserved for smelly patients of waiting in the doctor's corridor instead of the waiting room, having received complaints from other patients.
Said older lady comes into my office for her appointment and sits down, asks me how big the largest 'poo' I've ever seen - "as a doctor" - was. I demur and explain I don't actually see as much poo as one might imagine, and she proceeds to tell me an epic tale:
For the week before her appointment, she'd had the worst case of constipation she'd ever had. She tried and tried, but could not go to the toilet no matter how much olive oil or liquorice she consumed. Then, the day before the clinic, she felt "the urge" and found herself doing "the longest poo I've ever seen - it just kept coming, and coming, and coming".
So fascinated was she by her enormous poo that she couldn't bring herself to flush it, but picked it out of the toilet, put it in a waterproof shopping bag, and showed her friends, who - she says - told her she must show it to a medical professional, because we'd just be *fascinated* to see such a large, unusual stool.
And then she opened the bag, and showed me her poo. Which filled it. It filled *the entire bag*.
**TL;DR: Full grown adult woman brought in a big bag of her poo because she thought I'd find it interesting.**.
#52
While in dental school my friend pulled out several bombed out (technical term) teeth on a adult male. After the procedure was finished and post-op instructions we given, the man asked, "So when should I expect my new teeth to grow in?" He was serious.
#53
My dad told me about an extremely religious male patient who was concerned about his nocturnal emissions. He saw it as a offense to God and wanted to know what he could do to stop it. My dad's response: "Well, It's gotta go somewhere guy".
#54
Doctor here.
I think the most frustrating I've seen since I was a resident was a very pretty (like stunningly pretty) 17 year old with what appeared to be normal, loving, affluent parents. She had a tumor in her pelvis (rhabdomyosarcoma) that we could resect to potentially cure her. The parents declined, also declined chemo and said they want to try holistic medicine because that made more sense to them.
I last saw her 3 years ago, she was getting huge lymph nodes removed from her groin because they were unsightly. Obviously metastatic disease. Parents did not want primary tumor removed and again declined chemo.
I see 100 patients/week probably, lots of devastatingly sad cases. But I still think about that girl, listening to her parents, costing her life. I bet she's dead now.
I can assure people, doctors are not trying to swindle you, give you unnecessary care, or have some ulterior motive in this sort of setting. 99.99% of doctors are treating patients the same way they'd treat family, so try not to be dense, we want to help.
Noflipstogive 2 hours ago
I would ask why wasn’t CPS called or social services to get a court order?
#55
Christ, the number of times I have to explain colds to adults. You're 40 years old, you've probably had 100 of these, how have you not figured this out yet?? Do you come to the doctor every time??? Antibiotics won't help, drink fluids, sudafed, and write this s**t down for next time.
Libstak 35 minutes ago
Colds can often cause throat infections due to the rough coughing causing scarring which any number of microbes then take advantage of. Additionally, throat and nasal infections can present with the same symptoms as a cold or flu. I have had throat infections at least half the number of times i have had cold symptoms in my life.
#56
EMT here, I had a grown adult try to explain to ME that someone else s**t his pants. Got toned out for finger pain at a homeless shelter at 0200, we get there and the guy jumps in the truck with very mild swelling to the tip of his right index finger. Here's how the conversation went:
Me: so what happened?
Patient: I smoked some meth and then I fell asleep in my bunk and I woke up next to my bunk and my finger hurt and there was poop!
Me: there was poop..? Did you fall in poop..?
Patient: no no, like in my pants!
Me: so... you pooped your pants?
Patient: no! It wasn't me!
Me: so let me get this straight... you smoked meth, took a nap, rolled out of bed in your sleep, hurt your finger, and someone ELSE came along and s**t in your pants before you woke up...?
Patient: yeah! It wasn't me!
#57
One of my university tutors had to explain how sex worked to a married couple.
They had come into the clinic wondering why they hadn't fallen pregnant after like 12 months of marriage. The doctor asked the usual questions about menstruation, erections, etc, and the patients' responses were a bit weird. Finally she was like, "you are having vaginal sex, yeah?"
The couple were really confused. The doctor literally had to explain that one partner needs to put their penis in the other's vagina and ejaculate, in order to even try at getting pregnant. Apparently they were so shocked! They thought pregnancy just happened by itself after marriage.
#58
My friend is a doctor. Says that gynocologists, when interviewing a couple who can't get pregnant, start off by checking they are using the right hole.
Often they're going for the belly button.
#59
Two stories, not about patients, but about the Drs lack of knowledge - both working in a western country.
I worked with a young female Dr from the middle east. One day on discussing homosexuality she said 'yeah but it's only been around for like the past 20-30 years though right?' Was absolutely gobsmacked!
Another conversation, older middle eastern (different country) male Dr. 'Being gay is a symptom of having been molested by another man'. Yeah. Wow.
Kenneth Barns 3 hours ago
Direct her to all the homoerotic Sufi poetry from the medieval period.
#60
During residency in an urban NE USA city, I was in clinic. A very pleasant 50s something lady came in for a physical. Everything was going fine when she casually asks if there are any new vaccines out. She was up to date with everything so I asked if she had any specific concerns. She was casually asking to see if she could vaccinate her gay adult son against homosexuality. Very nice, always had a smile on her face, even when I broke the "bad" news to her.
#61
Step mom is an ER nurse, she used to tell stories about her fun patients she had. My favorite was always this:
Severely drunk guy came in with signs of alcohol poisoning. They put a urethral catheter in him so he didn't p**s himself. He didn't quite understand what it was and why he had it in his d**k and kept on messing with it.
At one point he tried pulling it out and my step mom (she's not the very best at subtlety mind you) leans over and said in his ear: "If you pull that out now, your d**k will never work again". Well wouldn't you know it? He stopped trying to pull it out after that.
#62
I saw a patient for a follow up after three ER visits in as many days for asthma. He was from another country, so this was the first time I ever met him. His lungs sound absolutely terrible, but he swears he is taking the inhaler every 2-4 hours with no relief. This raises suspicion to me, as the same meds are working in the ER. I ask him to show me how he is using it. He holds it about a foot away from his mouth and does two puffs like Binaca and swallows. I felt really bad, he had never received any education about his illness or medications.
#63
I'm not a doctor, but my mom doesn't have a good grasp on the reproductive system so I had to be the one to explain that:
1. Getting my tubes removed did not remove my ability to get a period.
2. That we women have a urethra, a vagina, and an a**s--babies do not come from the urethra. This one was strange because she had me and my sister so...
3. That when you neuter a dog, you just remove the balls, not the red rocket too.
China/Taiwan's sex ed was severely.... lacking. So my mom, until she was in her 20s believed that if you sat on a seat still warm on the bus that a guy sat in before you, you can get pregnant. If you kissed a guy, you could get pregnant.
I'm still finding out, years later, misconceptions that my poor mother has about reproduction and explaining things to her.
Rose the Cook 3 hours ago
My mother was of British decent , extreme religious upbringing, and she believed and tried to teach us that you got pregnant from toilet seats or touching anything that men had touched.
#64
My mom tells it so much better, but here's a try:
My mom was the head nurse at a clinic here in Houston in the 80's. She worked for an old WWII doctor that had gone into private practice (old school GP) when he returned back to the states. Well one afternoon she told me that they had a patient come in that was running a high fever and was complaining of pain in her pelvic area. Mom also tells me that there was a stench coming from the woman's lap that could only be described as enough to Gag a maggot off a meat wagon. She begins to interview the patient who told her that her and her boyfriend had been sexually active and that she has been in pain since. She thought that the woman may have contracted an STD and asked her to undress and wait for the doctor to examine her. The doctor arrives and closes the door, only to re-open it a few seconds later mentioning about the need for fresh air.
The doctor noticed that there was a vaginal discharge began to question the patient about her sex life, was it protected, non-protected, etc... According to mom, the patient told her "No doc, we always use a rubber." The doctor looked down then noticed that there was a small rubber band extending from the woman's vagina. The doctor reached in with his gloved hand and pulled it out. What came next can only be described as a magician pulling the magic cloth out of someone's mouth... one rubber band after another came out over the course of the next 10 minutes. Finally once they were all removed, the Doctor had "the talk" with the woman about sex education and that rubber bands were not a successful contraceptive and not what they meant by "wearing a rubber" and then wrote her a presecription for Abx.
Tldr: Mom was a nurse who had a patient use rubber bands as a contraceptive device who ended up with a severe infection and required medical attention to get them removed.
#65
Not a doctor, but a nursing student. I was checking the carseat and walking a postpartum mom out of the hospital. Mind you, this was her fifth child. Five. She had raised 4 other children to adolescence. But for this one, on the way outside, she took a blanket and tucked it around the baby's head and face, nice and taut.
#66
My uncle told about a patient who thought he had Ebola because he was in the same Que as a coughing black guy. :/.
#67
This one is a little different.
My dad is a pediatrician. He told me the story of a teenage boy (around 13 y/o) who was referred to him (something unrelated, can't remember what). When he asked him if he was on medications, the boy's mom pulled out some birth control pills. Apparently his family physician suggested birth control as a way to treat his acne.
Yes, you read that correctly. A licensed doctor told a teenage BOY that was just going through puberty to take female hormones as acne treatment.
I think he had been taking them regularly for the past year...
Kirsten Kerkhof 1 hour ago
Not as strange as it may seem > I take birth control pills for excessive bleeding, but they are specifically meant to cure acne. It even says so on the box. I always wondered how many boys/young men are actually prescribed these pills for actual acne.
#68
Where the penis goes in the female reproductive system during sex.
I had to explain this to a first-year female medical student. So someone with presumably 4 years of a pre-med/biology education.
To her credit, she understood that the vagina was involved somehow. She just also thought the penis kept going through the cervix and uterus to the uterine tubes....and maybe further?
#69
I was working in GP and had a patient scheduled for an appointment. Looked through his notes to gain an idea of why he may be seeing me and saw he'd been seen a few times with knee pains/shoulder pains and the like. The guy is in his 70s so probably just arthritis. I'm thinking I'll do an examination of his sore joints and ask a few questions, prescribe some painkillers and it'll be a quick one.
Call him in and he walks in sits down and is cheery as anything.
"What seems to be the problem then, sir? I notice you've had some issues recently with sore joints" I ask.
He then proceeds to tell me about this sore knee. So I check his knee and take a history and it all seems fine. Ask anything else and he's like oh actually my neck is sore too. So I check his neck and nothing untoward to be found there either. At this point he's like ok well thanks doc I'll be off then.
I say to him oh good glad we could help. And you have no other pains at all before you go? He then sits back down and tells me he's been having central, crushing chest pain radiating down his left arm and into his jaw since last night and has been feeling breathless and when it happened he had an impending sense of doom.
I know a lot of you won't be doctors here but I'm sure you all recognise signs of an MI there. He had all the classic textbooks symptoms.
Called an ambulance and he was rushed to hospital for PCI. (Edit: Percutaneous coronary intervention - thread a catheter up the arteries into the coronary artery to find and then treat the blockage - sorry for the medical acronym haha)
Tl;Dr - man came in complaining of arthritis and when he was about to leave decided to tell me he'd had a heart attack the night before and thought nothing of it.
Kenneth Barns 3 hours ago
Now, THIS one is a tale as old as time. The variant is mentioning this at minute 17 of a 15-minute booking. "Why didn't you mention this earlier??" "Well because then you wouldn't take the time to fill in my [insert your choice of bureaucratic paperwork that needs a doctor's signature] form!"
#70
OMFG, finally something I can comment on. Well, here in México we have something called social service (Our college education is free in some institutions, so we have to pay for it with one year of free work in a rural area).
So the first month a woman in her 30s came to consult because she was feeling weird in the mornings since forever. I asked what her symptoms were and she told me that every day she wakes up feeling her mouth dry, and that feeling disappears in about one or two hours. "well lady, how many water do you drink?" "Hmm, one or maybe two glasses, one at breakfast, and one middleday"
"Do you know what thirst is?"
"Yeah, when you drink water so you can p**s"
So I had a conversation that took one hour long about what thirst is and how it feels, also I had to told her that she needed to drink more water.
#71
My mom lost her s**t when she found out my grandma didn't change her needle between blood sugar tests. My mom lectured her, I lectured her, and she still wont change it. It's like two years old. Grandma's gonna die of an infection one day but that's her problem. Also she had a friend who didn't know how to use the needle right, so instead of poking herself with it, she'd scratch her skin till she bled. I cringed when I heard that.
#72
I had a patient *drive himself* to the neurology clinic who ended up being completely deaf, cortically blind in half his visual field, and demented to the point where he didn't know what decade it was.
#73
Not a Doctor but when I was in Afghanistan a local man came up to us on patrol with his hand wrapped in a sheet. He was in visible pain and was asking for a doctor, so we got the medic to go see him and I helped unwrap his hand and it was just f*****g _huge._ He'd cut his hand very badly and, for whatever reason, kept it submerged in diesel for three days before seeking help. His hand appeared to have soaked up a s**t load of diesel, or it was just infected to f**k but it resembled a water balloon and lightly touching it caused it to p**s liquid. It was naaaasty.
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