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Wife Doesn’t Believe Husband When He Says Her Ex Is A Lying Jerk, He Considers Divorce
Some would expect that the most challenging part of being a stepparent is integrating into stepchildren’s lives and building a connection with them. However, sometimes the adults who are caught in this dynamic cause the most issues, which prevents stepparents from providing the attention, love, and support that their stepchildren need during big changes in their lives.
Recently, this stepdad shared how his wife’s ex-husband tried ruining the bond he had with his stepson, even though he was absent for most of the kid’s life. The last straw for him was when the biological dad bailed on his son and lied about it, taking all the credit for his efforts while he stepped in, saving the day.
RELATED:
Sometimes the most complicated relationships in blended families are those of adults
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages / envato (not the actual photo)
Just like in this family, where the stepdad had difficulties dealing with the stepson’s biological dad
Image credits: FabrikaPhoto / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: [deleted]
Studies suggest that 60 to 70% of stepfamilies fail
Just like the family in this story, 40% of households in the U.S. are blended. However, their success rate is disheartening. Stepfamily studies suggest that about 60 to 70% of marriages with children from previous relationships fail.
“A stepfamily is a fundamentally different structure, and it makes a different foundation for relationships than a first-time family,” says psychologist Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. One of the differences that complicate such family dynamics is that stepparents don’t really have the same relationship with the children or parenting rights as the biological parents do.
Consequently, stepparents can struggle to adjust to the existing family culture and deal with the tension from biological parents. When it’s not clear what responsibilities or duties each person involved in a blended family carries, the whole situation can get even more complicated.
On top of that, if the stepparent and spouse’s ex can’t establish a cooperative or functioning relationship, the probability that the blended family will be successful further decreases.
The stepparent should respect the child’s love for the biological parent
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photos)
Stepparents who end up in sticky situations with ex-spouses should keep in mind that they aren’t a replacement for the child’s biological parent nor should they attempt to be one. “These children are not yours,” says Derek Randel, parenting expert and certified stepfamily coach. He notes that no matter what the ex-partner has done, the stepparent should respect the child’s feelings towards them.
Similarly, they shouldn’t ask or demand the titles ‘mom’ or ‘dad.’ Instead, they should focus on being present and supportive of their stepchildren, which in turn makes them a loved and respected mentor who might earn such a name.
Experts also recommend against interfering with co-parenting discussions or decisions. “The ex didn’t agree to co-parent with you and will likely feel ganged up on if you give unsolicited advice,” explains Jenna Korf, a certified stepfamily foundation coach. “Exes who are still holding on to anger or hurt from the divorce can cause a world of pain for you and your spouse, so try to avoid inserting yourself into their discussions,” she adds.
Even though it can be hard to resist butting in the parenting business, it’s important to do so, as the more understanding the stepparent is, the easier it will be for the whole family. If there are any significant concerns about the child, they should talk it out with the partner. “It is important for a stepparent to listen with empathy and kindness but not put down the parent to the child or allow the child to hear negative comments about their parent,” says clinical psychologist JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D.
Some readers told the stepdad that he’s not in the wrong here and that he needs to leave
While others thought he was the jerk and shouldn’t walk away so easily
Later, the stepdad posted an update
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What do you think ?
Max Fox 2 days ago
My guess - they're either deadbeat parents, or are like the STBX.
Load More Replies...
*raspberry sound 3 days ago
The YTA lunatics must all be deadbeat fathers, lying man babies, and manipulative baby mamas to not understand how damaging her words and actions are to him. Disgusting.
Allen Packard 3 days ago
Good for you bro! I was like "why haven't you bounced yet" but then I saw the ending. Thank God.
93Peter Bilt 3 days ago
At this point it's not even about the change in son's attitude, graditude or even that she didn't believe you at first...when presented with PROOF she decided to ignore the fact her son BOLDLY LIED TO HER FACE to back up her ex's story of taking her son shopping etc. If he will back up that lie, he will continue to back up any lie his dad wants to tell especially if it makes him look better & you look like a "needy man-baby" if you try to counter the story. If this is already her attitude about the situation then she's already with the attitude that her son can do no wrong & her ex is a changed man. Until she sees with her own eyes the manipulation...you've lost the battle. You just have to decide if you want to fight the war.
Darthest Starfish 3 days ago
Nah. Get out my dude. The kid and ex's behaviors are bad enough, but your wife to outright criticize you and act like you're the one behaving badly is just insane. Get out and save your mental health.
WoodenLion 3 days ago
two times someone has told me i would "take some action or something" if i loved them. only two people. only once each.
Bookworm 2 days ago (edited)
All the YTAs like 'you're taking your issues out on a confused kid...' Reading comprehension, people. The issue isn't with the kid. It's pretty obvious OP feels bad for him and is trying to help. The issue is that the wife is not only not helping, she's actively making things worse and basically encouraging the kid to disrespect OP. For goodness sake, OP had to show her *evidence* that he took the kid shopping, and she still didn't believe him! She sat there and let the ex make fun of his gift without saying anything! Sucks that the kid is caught in the middle, but someday when he's an adult he's going to remember the day his dad flaked on him, and step-dad came to the rescue, and realize that step-dad was the only one in this situation who was actually looking out for him.
FreeTheUnicorn 2 days ago
Don't divorce because of the ex, divorce because your wife doesn't value you.
Roni Stone 2 days ago
Demanding reciprocity of respect in a marriage is not "asking for a reward" - it is asking for a true marriage.
Mad McQueen 2 days ago
Dude. She is seeing the ex as dad material and how he's bonding with their kid. She's about to drop her panties for him. Either flat out tell her how disrespected you are getting or just go for the divorce. She's trying to push you away. And also take that kid out for an afternoon an tell him you're going to talk to him like a man. Rust his acting cruel to you after everything you've done is just b******t. And if he can't respect you as a friend an stand up for you then all the dad time you put in is worthless too. Let him know how his mom was when you came along an all you have done to keep them as a family. And how the ex dad is now the one tearing it apart again. And move on.
Janissary35680 2 days ago
Wife and ex are legally but not mentally/emotionally divorced. Proceed with caution.
Zull&Panda 1 day ago
The kid is confused, it must not be easy to grow up without a dad and of course he sees him like a superhero, now that he's back. And I understand op is hurt, but, yeah, you can't really change the situation. But the wife. When you start a sentence with "if you love me", it's already over. If you love me, you'd believe me and apologize. The way I see a partnership is like a team. We trust in each other, we respect each other and we stand in front of problems as a compact front. This lady has already checked out. She's already having second thoughts about the ex.
Grazina Strolia 2 days ago (edited)
I do worry for that kid. 9 years old is NOT old enough to know better! At 9, many kids still see the world in black-and-white. There are good guys and bad guys; if someone says they're good, they're the best! If someone tells them someone else is bad, they're the worst! Kids that age don't comprehend the complexity of human existence; they don't necessarily understand unreliable narrators. And people who withhold their love to make you "earn" it become very important to please (like the bio dad). This family needs therapy, STAT! Divorce or no, they need to fix it so this kid isn't yanked around.
Mark Childers 2 days ago
She should be standing up for her current husband to her ex and the kid. They have to be a united front. For a man who disappeared from the kid's life and never paying child support, he deserves no respect or compromise. They need to have strong boundaries for his involvement in the kid's life. Unfortunately, the opposite happened. He needs to leave. It won't get any better, and everyone knows the whole thing will eventually blow up because the ex will absolutely destroy whatever relationship happens with the kid.
RP 3 days ago
I hope he does and learns very quickly not to take his bio father as a role model
Load More Replies...
Max Fox 2 days ago
My guess - they're either deadbeat parents, or are like the STBX.
Load More Replies... *raspberry sound 3 days ago
The YTA lunatics must all be deadbeat fathers, lying man babies, and manipulative baby mamas to not understand how damaging her words and actions are to him. Disgusting.
Allen Packard 3 days ago
Good for you bro! I was like "why haven't you bounced yet" but then I saw the ending. Thank God.
93Peter Bilt 3 days ago
At this point it's not even about the change in son's attitude, graditude or even that she didn't believe you at first...when presented with PROOF she decided to ignore the fact her son BOLDLY LIED TO HER FACE to back up her ex's story of taking her son shopping etc. If he will back up that lie, he will continue to back up any lie his dad wants to tell especially if it makes him look better & you look like a "needy man-baby" if you try to counter the story. If this is already her attitude about the situation then she's already with the attitude that her son can do no wrong & her ex is a changed man. Until she sees with her own eyes the manipulation...you've lost the battle. You just have to decide if you want to fight the war.
Darthest Starfish 3 days ago
Nah. Get out my dude. The kid and ex's behaviors are bad enough, but your wife to outright criticize you and act like you're the one behaving badly is just insane. Get out and save your mental health.
WoodenLion 3 days ago
two times someone has told me i would "take some action or something" if i loved them. only two people. only once each.
Bookworm 2 days ago (edited)
All the YTAs like 'you're taking your issues out on a confused kid...' Reading comprehension, people. The issue isn't with the kid. It's pretty obvious OP feels bad for him and is trying to help. The issue is that the wife is not only not helping, she's actively making things worse and basically encouraging the kid to disrespect OP. For goodness sake, OP had to show her *evidence* that he took the kid shopping, and she still didn't believe him! She sat there and let the ex make fun of his gift without saying anything! Sucks that the kid is caught in the middle, but someday when he's an adult he's going to remember the day his dad flaked on him, and step-dad came to the rescue, and realize that step-dad was the only one in this situation who was actually looking out for him.
FreeTheUnicorn 2 days ago
Don't divorce because of the ex, divorce because your wife doesn't value you.
Roni Stone 2 days ago
Demanding reciprocity of respect in a marriage is not "asking for a reward" - it is asking for a true marriage.
Mad McQueen 2 days ago
Dude. She is seeing the ex as dad material and how he's bonding with their kid. She's about to drop her panties for him. Either flat out tell her how disrespected you are getting or just go for the divorce. She's trying to push you away. And also take that kid out for an afternoon an tell him you're going to talk to him like a man. Rust his acting cruel to you after everything you've done is just b******t. And if he can't respect you as a friend an stand up for you then all the dad time you put in is worthless too. Let him know how his mom was when you came along an all you have done to keep them as a family. And how the ex dad is now the one tearing it apart again. And move on.
Janissary35680 2 days ago
Wife and ex are legally but not mentally/emotionally divorced. Proceed with caution.
Zull&Panda 1 day ago
The kid is confused, it must not be easy to grow up without a dad and of course he sees him like a superhero, now that he's back. And I understand op is hurt, but, yeah, you can't really change the situation. But the wife. When you start a sentence with "if you love me", it's already over. If you love me, you'd believe me and apologize. The way I see a partnership is like a team. We trust in each other, we respect each other and we stand in front of problems as a compact front. This lady has already checked out. She's already having second thoughts about the ex.
Grazina Strolia 2 days ago (edited)
I do worry for that kid. 9 years old is NOT old enough to know better! At 9, many kids still see the world in black-and-white. There are good guys and bad guys; if someone says they're good, they're the best! If someone tells them someone else is bad, they're the worst! Kids that age don't comprehend the complexity of human existence; they don't necessarily understand unreliable narrators. And people who withhold their love to make you "earn" it become very important to please (like the bio dad). This family needs therapy, STAT! Divorce or no, they need to fix it so this kid isn't yanked around.
Mark Childers 2 days ago
She should be standing up for her current husband to her ex and the kid. They have to be a united front. For a man who disappeared from the kid's life and never paying child support, he deserves no respect or compromise. They need to have strong boundaries for his involvement in the kid's life. Unfortunately, the opposite happened. He needs to leave. It won't get any better, and everyone knows the whole thing will eventually blow up because the ex will absolutely destroy whatever relationship happens with the kid.
RP 3 days ago
I hope he does and learns very quickly not to take his bio father as a role model
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