Father Forgot About His Daughter’s Existence After Her Half-Brother Got Cancer, More Than A Decade Later Tries To Reconnect With Her, But She Shuts Him Down
Family relationships are complex. But even more so when there is a fall out or misfortune happens. The aftermath might require professional help to alleviate dealing with it, especially in cases of a loved one’s death. A grief-stricken family has to overcome numerous obstacles to restore some level of stability in their lives. But in certain cases, the change in the relationships is irreversible.
A young woman on Reddit opened up about such an instance. She shared her experience with loss and her terminated relationship with a family member, seeking perspective from the r/AITA community. Under the username u/throwaway_1028585, she described her life after the death of her mother.
She stated that within a few years, her father remarried. That drastically changed the family dynamics. The stepmom pushed too hard on playing the mother’s role, and the dad did not preclude it. Things took a turn for even worse when the newly assembled household endured another loss.
Image credits: Eric Ward (not the actual photo)
The redditor opened up about how she fell out with her father and how she reacted to him trying to restore the relationship
Image credits: Marcos Paulo Prado (not the actual photo)
ADVERTISEMENTImage credits: Christin Hume (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwaway_1028585
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A writer here at Bored Panda, I am a lover of good music, good food, and good company, which makes food-related topics and feel-good stories my favorite ones to cover. Passionate about traveling and concerts, I constantly seek occasions to visit places yet personally unexplored. I also enjoy spending free time outdoors, trying out different sports—even if I don’t look too graceful at it—or socializing over a cup of coffee.
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Did he contact OP when her brother died? Nope. He contacted her when he was getting a divorce and didn’t have anyone.
This, completely. His reaching out was as selfish as anything else he did regarding her. She even had to find out secondhand her brother was dead. He couldn't even be bothered to invite her to the funeral. But when *he* needed solace, he expected her to provide it.
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She could have stayed in touch even if to just know about her brothers condition. It seems to me like SHE is the reason why she didn’t know BC she didn’t want anyone talking to her about her father and that family! Even when talking about her brother dying she said she could empathize but she had no true feeling. It was her real half brother but she sounded so cold and disconnected. She chose to disconnect herself from new family since she was young. She eludes to “Dark times” but doesn’t say what that means. OP is telling us the story from her point of view and at no point does she actually try to understand the trauma her father was going thorough and she knows she added to his pain and didn’t care and again mentioned that she only doesn’t want her father to off himself for the sake of his family. She is the one that is broken.
Really? The *child* should understand the trauma of the parent? The CHILD?! THE child is a product of the upbringing, or lack of in this case. Her father and stepmother scarred her for life. AND THE GRANDMOTHER kept the record of the child's trauma in a BOOK for her, along with the caring ones ftom her dead mother. So in your opinion she should lie about that book, crush it into herself, never show it to the very person/people who caused her to create it, who caused her pain as a child?? You would blame her for wanting to stay away from this person who had nothing for her? What don't you understand about trauma and neglect?
This person Chico , either has a controlling narcissistic mother that guilts him constantly or he himself is a narcissistic parent. That's the only explanation.
He's right about one thing: OP is broken. But he seems to have twisted the narrative to epic proportions.
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The "child" is now an adult. She's not at fault but she really should seek professional help to deal with her grief and lack of empathy. Her father is a human being and humans are not perfect. They also are capable of change. She very likely will find that her hard headedness and cold heartedness will leave her with even more regrets.
Just because she's an adult *now* doesn't negate the harm done to her growing up. That was the entire point of her sharing her journal with him. To show him the harm he caused. Humans aren't perfect, but generally speaking, unless confronted with their bad acts, fail to improve. She also expressed the wish that he does get better, for the sake of his family members who are still emotionally invested in him. But she has every right to revoke *her* emotional investment and move on with her life. Emotional investments are *earned*, not obligations.
Yes, they're capable of chnage, but no one is obliged to forgive, even if it's the nicer form of action. Her father, and adult, couldn't hold himself together and be there for his 7 years old daughter during an also extremely difficult time in her life, and only scarred her throughout his life, now she's only 24 years old, and adult yes, but years of trauma aren't that easily dealt with, she empathised with him, but that doesn't forgive or excuse anything he did to her. As a human she can empathise and wish him the best, bur its hard to accept him as her father again and accept him back in her life. Maybe her now even much older adult father could reflect mroe on her actions and try to apologise or make it up to her in any way, but it'll take a long time and patience from both parties.
She also described that time as trying to survive herself so I took it that was one reason it was dark and that she was older and figuring out how her neglect and the cruelty they had shown her was actually abuse and reason for her depression and freezing up. That's what I read and that's not being cold but coming to stark reality that abuse victims come to when they finally can no longer deny it ans can no longer make excuses. They have to face it and get lots of help to overcome it and keep themselves together and moving toward healing/ surviving. The realization if she was just allowed to live with grandparents her life and mental health would've been so different and he was selfish to deprive her means he's more than just neglectful!! To deny her is unparentlike is what this middle aged parent sees and his attorney probably told him to get in touch with her bc of divorce as they do that ya know, especially if wife was going to claim cruelty or neglect too! It's strategy and her reality check devastated that plan and to have his flying monkeys guilt/ shame her proves manipulation too. NC is her haven until he gets therapy and empathy for her lost, traumatic childhood
Flying monkeys.... exactly. This man is a manipulative narcissist. I only hope she stays strong and stays NC forever. He already ruined her childhood I hope he isn't allowed to ruin her peace.
This. You describe OP rightly as a victim of parental abuse. Those people who are writing that she lacks empathy, well, she was shown none when her mother died. Those saying that she will regret cutting off her father, because “he’s himan. he makes mistakes.” No he systematically abused his daughter. And those saying she should have spent time with her brother, like it was such a simple thing, are blind to the fact that access to him was controlled by father and step mom. She could continue to be abused by them, or she could save herself.
Exactly, she probably felt like she was "abandoning" her brother when she stopped seeing him, but realized that she might not survive herself if she continued living with them
That's right, she is telling us the story from her side. That's what she lived through. The fact you have no concern for her pain makes me believe you are probably like her so called father. The fact you're telling her ( the abandoned child) to see the pain her "father" is going through, is very telling, either you're a narcissist or you have a narcissistic parent. Clearly you lack empathy. Go away.
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I have to agree. I do understand for a kid she felt neglected but she did sound very detached talking about every person. Seems like life is to short to punish people for their shortcomings. Life is too short to miss out on family. I'm speaking from someone who comes from a family that was abusive and selfish and I still keep healthy relationships with them because life is so short man
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Oh, BS. And, is there a standard protocol on how to act when your child dies? No. My brother drowned and my parents were so besides themselves in grief that they could barely take care of the rest of us. We managed for the sake of our parents, because that's what you should do if you're not an egotistical b-tard.
Thank you for proving my point about selfishness. As for "my generation", I was born in 1970.
I was replying to Noname's comment which seems to have actually dropped below this one. He was implying younger generations are more selfish. I happen to agree with you, instead. I think our generation has some of the most selfish, entitled bastards in the last century. The kids growing up now are alright - much less self centered.
Don't you think that our generation's selfishness is just backlash from the entitlement we were the progeny of?
I was born in 1972. Our generation is, imo, NOT generally selfish and self-centered. If this seems the case it's often backlash because folks felt like they had no voice. The ones before are, with many notable exceptions, much worse. And the ones after are not worse, they just aren't eating the shìt silently like we did.
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She wasn’t a child she was a teenager. A self absorbed teen girl that thinks the world revolves around her. Most teenage girls are complete devious a******s but when her HALF brother 3 yr old has cancer and parents had even more on plate she only thought of self. Dad doing things with brother probably treatment or therapy God forbid
She was 7 when her mother died and about 9 when the neglect began. She was a *child*.
Coming to recognize abuse for what it is and taking steps to protect yourself from it isn't and should be considered not supporting your family. You're exactly the type of abuser who would rather push these things under the rug than accept any sort of responsibility or consequences for your personal poor decisions. It's not up to those around you to accommodate your hatefulness.
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I think your generation makes excuses to not support your family, and be lackadaisical in your jobs. It's easier to blame everyone else when you're not the center of attention.
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How was he supposed to do that. She cut all ties remember. Teenage girls are terrible people. This one is a real work of art
Teen girls are fabulous people. They make up the majority of the service clubs in every school and church group. You are hanging with wrong ones. Teens ALL go through this stage of self focus in order to survive the chemical changes and rigors of adolescence, but girls endure it first and the boys later, so that is why teen girls are sort of forced to date older guys because the vast majority of guys their own age linger in self absorption and immaturities. It's just nature and we understand it better today that this is a time that needs lots of support because many more are admitting to not identifying as just male and female in teen years and are sharing identity issues and more. Please stop sounding like a bitter teen boy with pimples who can't get a GF and go read about adolescence chemistry and biology and realize it's part of growing up to mature that people go through these alterations and if they have a bad foundation and no support they have a harder time like OP did
As someone who also have an egotistical, self-centered "father" I can completely understand OPs view and feelings towards their father. It's heartbreaking how long and how far these people can push your limits and STILL expect you to treat them with respect and love simply because they're half of the reason you exists. That's not how it works. You get what you give. And to the peanut gallery that shames OP not only for the PowerPoint, but cutting their dad off: did this hit too close to home? Hmm? Is the mirror too accurate for you? YOU grow up. And start realising that no one owes you anything.
* OP is NTA. Good on you for keeping that log and doing the PowerPoint presentation. Wish I could do something similar to my dad, because he STILL doesn't get it. Even though we (me and my brother) NEVER call, text or visit.
Load More Replies...I always remind people that children dont ask to be created so you "making" them is irrelevant unless it was difficult like IVF. It is what you do after, how you treat your creation that matters. Treating like valuable and making them a priority is what makes a real parent: being present and keeping them safe. But if you can't be the parent they need or deserve and you're aware of it and the best you can do, for whatever reason is financially support them or give them to others who can be better for them, then that too is being a good parent in your limitations. Like her dad should've let her be with grandparents when new son got sick and make sure she was getting cared for! Also, those who tell kids to suck it up are usually those who tell other adults to F off and so that tells me a lot about their lack of respect and attitude to doing things they don't want to. They shirk responsibilities and are less conscientious in my experience tbh. Sorry Kris and OP had bad ones...
Narcissists view their children as usable things. Not individuals with feelings. Their child is Only there for them ...when they need or want something or someone. That is all. The Narcissists rule book. No one owes a Parent ANYTHING. NOT one Single solitary thing. You are responsible for you. That is All. No child , ever asks to be born. The Parent is the only one that bares Any Responsibility. If people don't like that Truth. They themselves probably have some narcissistic tendencies.
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Grow up, Kris92. Your platitudes don't respond to reality. You don't have a family, do you. No mom or dad or sibs or cousins to care about you. I'm sure you're trying to find a tribe of "friends" to call your own, but it's one disappointing sexual encounter after another and you're lonelier after each one. You wish you had genetic family to care about you but you've pushed everyone away because you believe no one accepts you as you are, and it's easier to reject others before they might reject you.
People really find a way to be mad but the "libs" in completely unrelated places 😂
She has an excellent relationship with her grandparents. She did mention that.
Remarried within a month? Who even processes a loss in such a short period of time much less plans to marry?
Load More Replies...I have an old relative who married his wife's sister after a month of ehr death. It sounds awful, but he had kids, he was busy with work and didn't leave them alone, people back then put a whole lot of importance to the existence of a mother and a woman in the house, the two families talked with each other and decided that if he is to remarry then they want someone the kids are familiar with and actually cares for them, and that's how it happened, though the choice of having it a month later wasn't really the wisest choice in my opinion.
1. a... month??? 2. even if a person becomes a motherly influence they become their own version of a mother - their is no replacing,only adding. You are 16 and only had a year with her which was (it seems) not by your and her choice. Maybe try viewing her more a a guardian than your "mom". I hope while she does not make up for losing your mom I hope you find even ground and she is not the classic disney step mother b***h. Depending on her attitude you might consider telling her how you feel. It might be that she doesn't try to replace your mom but doesn't know how to handle the situation. (disclaimer: no judgement, no guarantees, just a thought. Just keep swimming.)
oh Sweetie, hang in there, your Mom is rooting for you, soon you'll be setting out on your own, and so much stress will be in your rear view mirror.
I am sorry for your loss. She will never replace your mother that is not really possible but tgat does not mean she cannot love you as her own. Try to look at her more as your aunt. That is the approach I would make if I ever were a step mum. I would never dream of replacing someone's mum, but would do my best to show them my love
I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom, Nathanael. That must have been so hard, and you had no time to grieve before you were presented with a step mom. It may take some time before your step mom and you can find your way to a comfortable relationship. She may not want to come off as too pushy, and wants to give you some space. I don't know the situation. I do hope things get better for you, and you have a friend you can talk to when you need to.
Did he contact OP when her brother died? Nope. He contacted her when he was getting a divorce and didn’t have anyone.
This, completely. His reaching out was as selfish as anything else he did regarding her. She even had to find out secondhand her brother was dead. He couldn't even be bothered to invite her to the funeral. But when *he* needed solace, he expected her to provide it.
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She could have stayed in touch even if to just know about her brothers condition. It seems to me like SHE is the reason why she didn’t know BC she didn’t want anyone talking to her about her father and that family! Even when talking about her brother dying she said she could empathize but she had no true feeling. It was her real half brother but she sounded so cold and disconnected. She chose to disconnect herself from new family since she was young. She eludes to “Dark times” but doesn’t say what that means. OP is telling us the story from her point of view and at no point does she actually try to understand the trauma her father was going thorough and she knows she added to his pain and didn’t care and again mentioned that she only doesn’t want her father to off himself for the sake of his family. She is the one that is broken.
Really? The *child* should understand the trauma of the parent? The CHILD?! THE child is a product of the upbringing, or lack of in this case. Her father and stepmother scarred her for life. AND THE GRANDMOTHER kept the record of the child's trauma in a BOOK for her, along with the caring ones ftom her dead mother. So in your opinion she should lie about that book, crush it into herself, never show it to the very person/people who caused her to create it, who caused her pain as a child?? You would blame her for wanting to stay away from this person who had nothing for her? What don't you understand about trauma and neglect?
This person Chico , either has a controlling narcissistic mother that guilts him constantly or he himself is a narcissistic parent. That's the only explanation.
He's right about one thing: OP is broken. But he seems to have twisted the narrative to epic proportions.
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The "child" is now an adult. She's not at fault but she really should seek professional help to deal with her grief and lack of empathy. Her father is a human being and humans are not perfect. They also are capable of change. She very likely will find that her hard headedness and cold heartedness will leave her with even more regrets.
Just because she's an adult *now* doesn't negate the harm done to her growing up. That was the entire point of her sharing her journal with him. To show him the harm he caused. Humans aren't perfect, but generally speaking, unless confronted with their bad acts, fail to improve. She also expressed the wish that he does get better, for the sake of his family members who are still emotionally invested in him. But she has every right to revoke *her* emotional investment and move on with her life. Emotional investments are *earned*, not obligations.
Yes, they're capable of chnage, but no one is obliged to forgive, even if it's the nicer form of action. Her father, and adult, couldn't hold himself together and be there for his 7 years old daughter during an also extremely difficult time in her life, and only scarred her throughout his life, now she's only 24 years old, and adult yes, but years of trauma aren't that easily dealt with, she empathised with him, but that doesn't forgive or excuse anything he did to her. As a human she can empathise and wish him the best, bur its hard to accept him as her father again and accept him back in her life. Maybe her now even much older adult father could reflect mroe on her actions and try to apologise or make it up to her in any way, but it'll take a long time and patience from both parties.
She also described that time as trying to survive herself so I took it that was one reason it was dark and that she was older and figuring out how her neglect and the cruelty they had shown her was actually abuse and reason for her depression and freezing up. That's what I read and that's not being cold but coming to stark reality that abuse victims come to when they finally can no longer deny it ans can no longer make excuses. They have to face it and get lots of help to overcome it and keep themselves together and moving toward healing/ surviving. The realization if she was just allowed to live with grandparents her life and mental health would've been so different and he was selfish to deprive her means he's more than just neglectful!! To deny her is unparentlike is what this middle aged parent sees and his attorney probably told him to get in touch with her bc of divorce as they do that ya know, especially if wife was going to claim cruelty or neglect too! It's strategy and her reality check devastated that plan and to have his flying monkeys guilt/ shame her proves manipulation too. NC is her haven until he gets therapy and empathy for her lost, traumatic childhood
Flying monkeys.... exactly. This man is a manipulative narcissist. I only hope she stays strong and stays NC forever. He already ruined her childhood I hope he isn't allowed to ruin her peace.
This. You describe OP rightly as a victim of parental abuse. Those people who are writing that she lacks empathy, well, she was shown none when her mother died. Those saying that she will regret cutting off her father, because “he’s himan. he makes mistakes.” No he systematically abused his daughter. And those saying she should have spent time with her brother, like it was such a simple thing, are blind to the fact that access to him was controlled by father and step mom. She could continue to be abused by them, or she could save herself.
Exactly, she probably felt like she was "abandoning" her brother when she stopped seeing him, but realized that she might not survive herself if she continued living with them
That's right, she is telling us the story from her side. That's what she lived through. The fact you have no concern for her pain makes me believe you are probably like her so called father. The fact you're telling her ( the abandoned child) to see the pain her "father" is going through, is very telling, either you're a narcissist or you have a narcissistic parent. Clearly you lack empathy. Go away.
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I have to agree. I do understand for a kid she felt neglected but she did sound very detached talking about every person. Seems like life is to short to punish people for their shortcomings. Life is too short to miss out on family. I'm speaking from someone who comes from a family that was abusive and selfish and I still keep healthy relationships with them because life is so short man
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Oh, BS. And, is there a standard protocol on how to act when your child dies? No. My brother drowned and my parents were so besides themselves in grief that they could barely take care of the rest of us. We managed for the sake of our parents, because that's what you should do if you're not an egotistical b-tard.
Thank you for proving my point about selfishness. As for "my generation", I was born in 1970.
I was replying to Noname's comment which seems to have actually dropped below this one. He was implying younger generations are more selfish. I happen to agree with you, instead. I think our generation has some of the most selfish, entitled bastards in the last century. The kids growing up now are alright - much less self centered.
Don't you think that our generation's selfishness is just backlash from the entitlement we were the progeny of?
I was born in 1972. Our generation is, imo, NOT generally selfish and self-centered. If this seems the case it's often backlash because folks felt like they had no voice. The ones before are, with many notable exceptions, much worse. And the ones after are not worse, they just aren't eating the shìt silently like we did.
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She wasn’t a child she was a teenager. A self absorbed teen girl that thinks the world revolves around her. Most teenage girls are complete devious a******s but when her HALF brother 3 yr old has cancer and parents had even more on plate she only thought of self. Dad doing things with brother probably treatment or therapy God forbid
She was 7 when her mother died and about 9 when the neglect began. She was a *child*.
Coming to recognize abuse for what it is and taking steps to protect yourself from it isn't and should be considered not supporting your family. You're exactly the type of abuser who would rather push these things under the rug than accept any sort of responsibility or consequences for your personal poor decisions. It's not up to those around you to accommodate your hatefulness.
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I think your generation makes excuses to not support your family, and be lackadaisical in your jobs. It's easier to blame everyone else when you're not the center of attention.
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How was he supposed to do that. She cut all ties remember. Teenage girls are terrible people. This one is a real work of art
Teen girls are fabulous people. They make up the majority of the service clubs in every school and church group. You are hanging with wrong ones. Teens ALL go through this stage of self focus in order to survive the chemical changes and rigors of adolescence, but girls endure it first and the boys later, so that is why teen girls are sort of forced to date older guys because the vast majority of guys their own age linger in self absorption and immaturities. It's just nature and we understand it better today that this is a time that needs lots of support because many more are admitting to not identifying as just male and female in teen years and are sharing identity issues and more. Please stop sounding like a bitter teen boy with pimples who can't get a GF and go read about adolescence chemistry and biology and realize it's part of growing up to mature that people go through these alterations and if they have a bad foundation and no support they have a harder time like OP did
As someone who also have an egotistical, self-centered "father" I can completely understand OPs view and feelings towards their father. It's heartbreaking how long and how far these people can push your limits and STILL expect you to treat them with respect and love simply because they're half of the reason you exists. That's not how it works. You get what you give. And to the peanut gallery that shames OP not only for the PowerPoint, but cutting their dad off: did this hit too close to home? Hmm? Is the mirror too accurate for you? YOU grow up. And start realising that no one owes you anything.
* OP is NTA. Good on you for keeping that log and doing the PowerPoint presentation. Wish I could do something similar to my dad, because he STILL doesn't get it. Even though we (me and my brother) NEVER call, text or visit.
Load More Replies...I always remind people that children dont ask to be created so you "making" them is irrelevant unless it was difficult like IVF. It is what you do after, how you treat your creation that matters. Treating like valuable and making them a priority is what makes a real parent: being present and keeping them safe. But if you can't be the parent they need or deserve and you're aware of it and the best you can do, for whatever reason is financially support them or give them to others who can be better for them, then that too is being a good parent in your limitations. Like her dad should've let her be with grandparents when new son got sick and make sure she was getting cared for! Also, those who tell kids to suck it up are usually those who tell other adults to F off and so that tells me a lot about their lack of respect and attitude to doing things they don't want to. They shirk responsibilities and are less conscientious in my experience tbh. Sorry Kris and OP had bad ones...
Narcissists view their children as usable things. Not individuals with feelings. Their child is Only there for them ...when they need or want something or someone. That is all. The Narcissists rule book. No one owes a Parent ANYTHING. NOT one Single solitary thing. You are responsible for you. That is All. No child , ever asks to be born. The Parent is the only one that bares Any Responsibility. If people don't like that Truth. They themselves probably have some narcissistic tendencies.
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Grow up, Kris92. Your platitudes don't respond to reality. You don't have a family, do you. No mom or dad or sibs or cousins to care about you. I'm sure you're trying to find a tribe of "friends" to call your own, but it's one disappointing sexual encounter after another and you're lonelier after each one. You wish you had genetic family to care about you but you've pushed everyone away because you believe no one accepts you as you are, and it's easier to reject others before they might reject you.
People really find a way to be mad but the "libs" in completely unrelated places 😂
She has an excellent relationship with her grandparents. She did mention that.
Remarried within a month? Who even processes a loss in such a short period of time much less plans to marry?
Load More Replies...I have an old relative who married his wife's sister after a month of ehr death. It sounds awful, but he had kids, he was busy with work and didn't leave them alone, people back then put a whole lot of importance to the existence of a mother and a woman in the house, the two families talked with each other and decided that if he is to remarry then they want someone the kids are familiar with and actually cares for them, and that's how it happened, though the choice of having it a month later wasn't really the wisest choice in my opinion.
1. a... month??? 2. even if a person becomes a motherly influence they become their own version of a mother - their is no replacing,only adding. You are 16 and only had a year with her which was (it seems) not by your and her choice. Maybe try viewing her more a a guardian than your "mom". I hope while she does not make up for losing your mom I hope you find even ground and she is not the classic disney step mother b***h. Depending on her attitude you might consider telling her how you feel. It might be that she doesn't try to replace your mom but doesn't know how to handle the situation. (disclaimer: no judgement, no guarantees, just a thought. Just keep swimming.)
oh Sweetie, hang in there, your Mom is rooting for you, soon you'll be setting out on your own, and so much stress will be in your rear view mirror.
I am sorry for your loss. She will never replace your mother that is not really possible but tgat does not mean she cannot love you as her own. Try to look at her more as your aunt. That is the approach I would make if I ever were a step mum. I would never dream of replacing someone's mum, but would do my best to show them my love
I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom, Nathanael. That must have been so hard, and you had no time to grieve before you were presented with a step mom. It may take some time before your step mom and you can find your way to a comfortable relationship. She may not want to come off as too pushy, and wants to give you some space. I don't know the situation. I do hope things get better for you, and you have a friend you can talk to when you need to.
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