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Sometimes parenting a teenager can feel like trying to survive a storm, especially if the storm constantly swings between calm and chaotic.
Today’s Original Poster (OP) appears to be in the midst of the storm with her 17-year-old daughter. Despite her efforts to reach out to her daughter, nothing seems to work. While they await her daughter’s ADHD assessment, she now questions whether her daughter’s behavior is due to that or if she’s just mean.
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Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The author struggles with her daughter’s disrespectful behavior while awaiting an ADHD assessment, and it’s starting to get to her
Image credits: Ifeellikescreaming
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Her daughter refuses to attend school, demands money, throws fits when refused, and swears at her
Image credits: Ifeellikescreaming
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The mother now feels like she has to be very careful around her so as not to trigger any negative reactions from her
Image credits: Ifeellikescreaming
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
She also feels like she’s at fault for not being able to handle it better and get through to her daughter, who doesn’t open up
Image credits: Ifeellikescreaming
At this point, she’s also not sure if her daughter’s possible ADHD has anything to do with her behavior or if she’s just mean
The OP started by explaining that she didn’t want to excuse her daughter’s possible ADHD as an excuse, but the journey with her daughter had been a constant battle when it came to school. After exhausting every possible option— counselors, meetings, grounding, pleading— she wasn’t sure what else to do.
She eventually moved to a new school with smaller classes, which seemed very promising at first, but it was short-lived. Her daughter again refused to go to school, demanding money in exchange for her compliance and throwing fits when she didn’t get her way.
The OP went further to explain that her daughter could be incredibly rude— swearing, manipulative, and very disrespectful to the point that the tiniest interactions with her become very emotionally exhausting.
She is now at her wit’s end and is unsure of whether her daughter’s behavior stems from ADHD or if she just has a nasty attitude. She admitted to walking on eggshells around her and avoiding confrontation to save herself from any emotional exhaustion.
The OP also expressed feeling like a failure as a parent, especially since her daughter’s behavior makes her fear the worst: getting expelled from school or losing any chance at future success.
She admitted that her daughter shows kindness and generosity from time to time, but it’s a bittersweet combination of good and bad that has left the OP confused and desperate for answers.
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Teenage rebellion can sometimes mask mental health issues like anxiety, depression, or even personality disorders like oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD).
Teenage Mental Health explains that “depression may manifest as irritability or withdrawal, while anxiety can lead to avoidant behaviors” like school refusal. Because they are masked, it can be very difficult for both the teen and their parents to navigate.
Along the same line, the Inattentive ADHD Coalition confirms that undiagnosed ADHD can also have a major impact on mental health as the teen may develop low self-esteem, which can trigger anxiety, depression, and anger issues.
For example, a teen who struggles with internalizing their frustration may appear aggressive to others. In the case of the OP, her daughter’s behavior makes it harder for her to cope, which is why she feels the need to walk on eggshells around her daughter.
However, guilt is another feeling the OP struggles with. The Insight Center acknowledges that it is a normal feeling for parents when they believe they aren’t doing enough for their children.
They explain that feeling like a failure “can have a negative impact on well-being, mental health, and confidence in parenting style.” They further state that this feeling of guilt can make one unable to help their child through big emotions.
Netizens urged the OP not to let ADHD be an excuse for the daughter’s behavior. They also advised a strict approach, including telling her that her daughter would have to move out if her behavior didn’t change.
On the other hand, some commenters provided other perspectives, suggesting that her daughter may be struggling with autism, PMDD, or another condition rather than solely ADHD.
It is understandable as to why the OP feels like she has to be careful around her daughter. What would you do in a situation like this? Please let us hear your thoughts!
Some netizens believe there are other mental health issues at play, while others think she’s just disrespectful
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What do you think ?
Weasel Wise 2 days ago
Why are people suddenly like, "my kid has adhd/autism/ocd/blah blah blah, maybe that's why they're a complete àsshole?" NO! An àsshole is just an àsshole, young adult or elderly. Having mental health complications and just being a dikc need to stop being intermingled.
Shannon Donnelly 2 days ago
Because admitting your kid is an a*****e basically is the same thing as saying you did a s**t job as a parent, and I have yet to meet a parent who’s willing to own up to that. So much easier to blame it on one of the latest psychological alphabet diagnoses, because it seems like everyone’s kid has at least one or two of them these days.
Load More Replies...
LakotaWolf (she/her) 3 days ago
You can't be venomous, mean, manipulative, abusive, and not care about hurting someone but still "have a lovely heart underneath it all". If you're abusive and manipulative, you don't have a lovely heart, nor are you "incredibly kind and generous" - those are performances put on in order to manipulate others. That being said, OP's daughter is very young and may not have fully developed the empathy/sympathy that we need in order to live in a society with other humans. This is above Mumsnet's paygrade; daughter needs to get checked to see if she has an actual diagnosis. As someone with some of the mentioned conditions, yeah, they can cause people to behave poorly and have social awkwardness, but they are generally not outright deliberately cruel/abusive - which it sounds like OP's daughter is.
Shannon Donnelly 2 days ago
Keep in mind that her mom is doing two things at once: seeing her daughter’s current behavior while desperately hoping the sweet child she remembers is still in there. But if Mom knows anything about ADHD, she’d know that it wouldn’t be an excuse for her daughter’s s****y behavior, though it could possibly be a factor. One thing that screamed out to me is that Mom has been so desperate to get her kid in line that she’s been PAYING HER to go to school! That’s a huge red flag and tells me the kid should have been in therapy years ago, not being tested for ADHD now. I hate to backseat parent, but Mom’s running about 4 years too late on this kid.
Load More Replies...
Upstaged75 2 days ago (edited)
Behavior like that got my brother sent away to a school for kids with behavioral issues. They had to live there - so there was no way for him to get out of going to classes. He'd already been kicked out of 3 high schools and had been to every therapy my parents could find for him. Yes he had ADD and ODD but that's not always an excuse for being a terrible person who didn't respect anyone. I'm 100% sure if they hadn't done that he'd have ended up in jail or worse. I guess it worked, as he's a successful adult with a family and a good job now. Who knows where he might have ended up without intervention?
Sera 2 days ago
Not respecting authority is the hallmark of ODD, so kind of a reach to claim it’s not an excuse there.
Load More Replies...
veryvenasaur 2 days ago
I’m probably not going to get a response with this but as someone diagnosed with both ADHD and autism as well as been told I come very close to diagnostic criteria for things like depression and anxiety (both social and general). I hate the way EVERYTHING gets pinned to neurodivergence. The traits this child has are absolutely not adhd and the constant desire to slap a label on a “problem child” then consider all bad behavior to be caused by that is harmful to everyone. It has made it harder for me to get support as I have to fight against a tide of people pinning everything to some aspect of neurodivergence. One example is me wearing noise canceling headphones in class. I have extreme sensory processing issues especially auditory but every time I try to wear my headphones 8 or 9 kids immediately call it unfair and try to wear their headphones. Then the teacher just puts a blanket ban because it’s easier than telling the other kids that only some people get to wear headphones in class.
veryvenasaur 2 days ago
Note most of the kids claiming it’s unfair use their headphones to listen to stuff during class which I know because I can hear it. I have absolutely no issue with other people using noise canceling in class and I STRONGLY believe that a lot of what is barred behind an official accommodation should be a right for everyone.
Load More Replies...
StrangeOne 3 days ago
Based on what's written here, this sounds more like narcissism. It could also be bipolar. But I'm no psychiatrist. I can't make that diagnosis. I have more questions than assumptions. How long has this been going on? What is the root cause of her behaviour? Is this really an accurate description, or is this mom exaggerating a bit to make it sound like her daughter is worse than she really is? Why is the mom so scared of her own daughter? Why is the mom going to social media for answers?
Lee Gilliland 3 days ago
There's something off here, U think counseling of some sort. This is above her pay grade.
Surly Scot 3 days ago (edited)
From the 'pub' reference this is likely the UK. If it's Scotland, then she became an adult at 16, tell her to GTFO and find her own way in life if she's going to behave that way. If it's England, just gotta wait til she turns 18 then tell her to skoot. Let the world deal with her bullsh*t and smack her down for it. Some kids are always unruly until they're physically reprimanded, maybe this was one of those kids that really needs a slap, but she's more likely a sociopath and her mother just can't see past her rose tinted glasses.
tori Ohno 2 days ago
That's what I'm thinking. She needs to be locked up and medicated.
Load More Replies...
Sami-Jo Ross 1 day ago
OP needs to bring the hammer down. No amount of begging and pleading with a walking tantrum like that is going anywhere.
Nils Skirnir 2 days ago
Sounds more like d**g abuse than ADHD. In fact if she had been ‘normal’ until recent years, ADHD isn’t the likely culprit-bipolar. Full psych work up should be done
HardBoiledBlonde 2 days ago
Most of the comments are so punitive and assured in their opinions and beliefs. This is a 17 year old Human Being, please show her, not just her mother, some grace! Something bad has happened to her be it physically, mentally or both. Sexually assaulted/abused and/or Bipolar? Either way, her behavior is a cry for help. She needs to see a Psychiatrist and a Psychotherapist and the entire family needs Family Psychotherapy.
tori Ohno 2 days ago
This is Not ADHD, this is something else. Is she psychotic? Maybe just sociopathic? Violence like this isn't an ADHD trait, and neither is being a spoiled brat. In America you could involuntarily commit her until they get a diagnosis and find her a treatment, but you speak like you're in the UK. Look into similar options on your area.
highwaycrossingfrog 2 days ago
I listened to an absolutely fascinating podcast about a woman who had been an absolutely terrifyingly awful teenager; refused to go to school, was viciously mean to her parents and siblings, actually set the family home on fire twice. It got so bad she was arrested, jailed, and on the verge of being sentenced for arson and attempted murder, when by chance her father was told by a colleague about a magazine article she'd read on the potential extreme effects of PMS, and her family pieced together that her episodes coincided with her menstrual cycle (this was in the 70s so PMS was barely known about). She was successful in using this as a defence in her trial (first time this defence had been used!) She got hormonal therapy and became a happily functioning person once more. Now I'm not saying this is true in this case, of course I can't know, and there are many, probably more likely, issues that could be at the root. But it did make me think of the case, perhaps because of the comment about her still "having a lovely heart" and doing kind deeds sometimes, as though the daughter's bad behaviour was a cycle rather than a constant
MoMcB 2 days ago
She needs to stop with the love overkill. Sit her down and tell her that you will only provide the essentials. Home, basic hygiene products (soap, shampoo etc) three meals a day. If she wants anything else, she needs to “earn” them in her job- going to school/college is her job. And a part time job doing waitressing etc would help to earn money for luxuries. Violence doesn’t help- so teach her the value of money, and that she’d better be able to support herself.
Upstaged75 2 days ago (edited)
Being a sociopath (or having sociopathic tendencies) does not automatically mean you're going to be a criminal though. It means you lack empathy, which can make you quite selfish and entitled. I have a family member with those tendencies but they haven't resorted to a life of crime.
Load More Replies... Weasel Wise 2 days ago
Why are people suddenly like, "my kid has adhd/autism/ocd/blah blah blah, maybe that's why they're a complete àsshole?" NO! An àsshole is just an àsshole, young adult or elderly. Having mental health complications and just being a dikc need to stop being intermingled.
Shannon Donnelly 2 days ago
Because admitting your kid is an a*****e basically is the same thing as saying you did a s**t job as a parent, and I have yet to meet a parent who’s willing to own up to that. So much easier to blame it on one of the latest psychological alphabet diagnoses, because it seems like everyone’s kid has at least one or two of them these days.
Load More Replies... LakotaWolf (she/her) 3 days ago
You can't be venomous, mean, manipulative, abusive, and not care about hurting someone but still "have a lovely heart underneath it all". If you're abusive and manipulative, you don't have a lovely heart, nor are you "incredibly kind and generous" - those are performances put on in order to manipulate others. That being said, OP's daughter is very young and may not have fully developed the empathy/sympathy that we need in order to live in a society with other humans. This is above Mumsnet's paygrade; daughter needs to get checked to see if she has an actual diagnosis. As someone with some of the mentioned conditions, yeah, they can cause people to behave poorly and have social awkwardness, but they are generally not outright deliberately cruel/abusive - which it sounds like OP's daughter is.
Shannon Donnelly 2 days ago
Keep in mind that her mom is doing two things at once: seeing her daughter’s current behavior while desperately hoping the sweet child she remembers is still in there. But if Mom knows anything about ADHD, she’d know that it wouldn’t be an excuse for her daughter’s s****y behavior, though it could possibly be a factor. One thing that screamed out to me is that Mom has been so desperate to get her kid in line that she’s been PAYING HER to go to school! That’s a huge red flag and tells me the kid should have been in therapy years ago, not being tested for ADHD now. I hate to backseat parent, but Mom’s running about 4 years too late on this kid.
Load More Replies... Upstaged75 2 days ago (edited)
Behavior like that got my brother sent away to a school for kids with behavioral issues. They had to live there - so there was no way for him to get out of going to classes. He'd already been kicked out of 3 high schools and had been to every therapy my parents could find for him. Yes he had ADD and ODD but that's not always an excuse for being a terrible person who didn't respect anyone. I'm 100% sure if they hadn't done that he'd have ended up in jail or worse. I guess it worked, as he's a successful adult with a family and a good job now. Who knows where he might have ended up without intervention?
Sera 2 days ago
Not respecting authority is the hallmark of ODD, so kind of a reach to claim it’s not an excuse there.
Load More Replies... veryvenasaur 2 days ago
I’m probably not going to get a response with this but as someone diagnosed with both ADHD and autism as well as been told I come very close to diagnostic criteria for things like depression and anxiety (both social and general). I hate the way EVERYTHING gets pinned to neurodivergence. The traits this child has are absolutely not adhd and the constant desire to slap a label on a “problem child” then consider all bad behavior to be caused by that is harmful to everyone. It has made it harder for me to get support as I have to fight against a tide of people pinning everything to some aspect of neurodivergence. One example is me wearing noise canceling headphones in class. I have extreme sensory processing issues especially auditory but every time I try to wear my headphones 8 or 9 kids immediately call it unfair and try to wear their headphones. Then the teacher just puts a blanket ban because it’s easier than telling the other kids that only some people get to wear headphones in class.
veryvenasaur 2 days ago
Note most of the kids claiming it’s unfair use their headphones to listen to stuff during class which I know because I can hear it. I have absolutely no issue with other people using noise canceling in class and I STRONGLY believe that a lot of what is barred behind an official accommodation should be a right for everyone.
Load More Replies... StrangeOne 3 days ago
Based on what's written here, this sounds more like narcissism. It could also be bipolar. But I'm no psychiatrist. I can't make that diagnosis. I have more questions than assumptions. How long has this been going on? What is the root cause of her behaviour? Is this really an accurate description, or is this mom exaggerating a bit to make it sound like her daughter is worse than she really is? Why is the mom so scared of her own daughter? Why is the mom going to social media for answers?
Lee Gilliland 3 days ago
There's something off here, U think counseling of some sort. This is above her pay grade.
Surly Scot 3 days ago (edited)
From the 'pub' reference this is likely the UK. If it's Scotland, then she became an adult at 16, tell her to GTFO and find her own way in life if she's going to behave that way. If it's England, just gotta wait til she turns 18 then tell her to skoot. Let the world deal with her bullsh*t and smack her down for it. Some kids are always unruly until they're physically reprimanded, maybe this was one of those kids that really needs a slap, but she's more likely a sociopath and her mother just can't see past her rose tinted glasses.
tori Ohno 2 days ago
That's what I'm thinking. She needs to be locked up and medicated.
Load More Replies... Sami-Jo Ross 1 day ago
OP needs to bring the hammer down. No amount of begging and pleading with a walking tantrum like that is going anywhere.
Nils Skirnir 2 days ago
Sounds more like d**g abuse than ADHD. In fact if she had been ‘normal’ until recent years, ADHD isn’t the likely culprit-bipolar. Full psych work up should be done
HardBoiledBlonde 2 days ago
Most of the comments are so punitive and assured in their opinions and beliefs. This is a 17 year old Human Being, please show her, not just her mother, some grace! Something bad has happened to her be it physically, mentally or both. Sexually assaulted/abused and/or Bipolar? Either way, her behavior is a cry for help. She needs to see a Psychiatrist and a Psychotherapist and the entire family needs Family Psychotherapy.
tori Ohno 2 days ago
This is Not ADHD, this is something else. Is she psychotic? Maybe just sociopathic? Violence like this isn't an ADHD trait, and neither is being a spoiled brat. In America you could involuntarily commit her until they get a diagnosis and find her a treatment, but you speak like you're in the UK. Look into similar options on your area.
highwaycrossingfrog 2 days ago
I listened to an absolutely fascinating podcast about a woman who had been an absolutely terrifyingly awful teenager; refused to go to school, was viciously mean to her parents and siblings, actually set the family home on fire twice. It got so bad she was arrested, jailed, and on the verge of being sentenced for arson and attempted murder, when by chance her father was told by a colleague about a magazine article she'd read on the potential extreme effects of PMS, and her family pieced together that her episodes coincided with her menstrual cycle (this was in the 70s so PMS was barely known about). She was successful in using this as a defence in her trial (first time this defence had been used!) She got hormonal therapy and became a happily functioning person once more. Now I'm not saying this is true in this case, of course I can't know, and there are many, probably more likely, issues that could be at the root. But it did make me think of the case, perhaps because of the comment about her still "having a lovely heart" and doing kind deeds sometimes, as though the daughter's bad behaviour was a cycle rather than a constant
MoMcB 2 days ago
She needs to stop with the love overkill. Sit her down and tell her that you will only provide the essentials. Home, basic hygiene products (soap, shampoo etc) three meals a day. If she wants anything else, she needs to “earn” them in her job- going to school/college is her job. And a part time job doing waitressing etc would help to earn money for luxuries. Violence doesn’t help- so teach her the value of money, and that she’d better be able to support herself.
Upstaged75 2 days ago (edited)
Being a sociopath (or having sociopathic tendencies) does not automatically mean you're going to be a criminal though. It means you lack empathy, which can make you quite selfish and entitled. I have a family member with those tendencies but they haven't resorted to a life of crime.
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