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Sometimes parenting a teenager can feel like trying to survive a storm, especially if the storm constantly swings between calm and chaotic.
Today’s Original Poster (OP) appears to be in the midst of the storm with her 17-year-old daughter. Despite her efforts to reach out to her daughter, nothing seems to work. While they await her daughter’s ADHD assessment, she now questions whether her daughter’s behavior is due to that or if she’s just mean.
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Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The author struggles with her daughter’s disrespectful behavior while awaiting an ADHD assessment, and it’s starting to get to her
Image credits: Ifeellikescreaming
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Her daughter refuses to attend school, demands money, throws fits when refused, and swears at her
Image credits: Ifeellikescreaming
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The mother now feels like she has to be very careful around her so as not to trigger any negative reactions from her
Image credits: Ifeellikescreaming
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
She also feels like she’s at fault for not being able to handle it better and get through to her daughter, who doesn’t open up
Image credits: Ifeellikescreaming
At this point, she’s also not sure if her daughter’s possible ADHD has anything to do with her behavior or if she’s just mean
The OP started by explaining that she didn’t want to excuse her daughter’s possible ADHD as an excuse, but the journey with her daughter had been a constant battle when it came to school. After exhausting every possible option— counselors, meetings, grounding, pleading— she wasn’t sure what else to do.
She eventually moved to a new school with smaller classes, which seemed very promising at first, but it was short-lived. Her daughter again refused to go to school, demanding money in exchange for her compliance and throwing fits when she didn’t get her way.
The OP went further to explain that her daughter could be incredibly rude— swearing, manipulative, and very disrespectful to the point that the tiniest interactions with her become very emotionally exhausting.
She is now at her wit’s end and is unsure of whether her daughter’s behavior stems from ADHD or if she just has a nasty attitude. She admitted to walking on eggshells around her and avoiding confrontation to save herself from any emotional exhaustion.
The OP also expressed feeling like a failure as a parent, especially since her daughter’s behavior makes her fear the worst: getting expelled from school or losing any chance at future success.
She admitted that her daughter shows kindness and generosity from time to time, but it’s a bittersweet combination of good and bad that has left the OP confused and desperate for answers.
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Teenage rebellion can sometimes mask mental health issues like anxiety, depression, or even personality disorders like oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD).
Teenage Mental Health explains that “depression may manifest as irritability or withdrawal, while anxiety can lead to avoidant behaviors” like school refusal. Because they are masked, it can be very difficult for both the teen and their parents to navigate.
Along the same line, the Inattentive ADHD Coalition confirms that undiagnosed ADHD can also have a major impact on mental health as the teen may develop low self-esteem, which can trigger anxiety, depression, and anger issues.
For example, a teen who struggles with internalizing their frustration may appear aggressive to others. In the case of the OP, her daughter’s behavior makes it harder for her to cope, which is why she feels the need to walk on eggshells around her daughter.
However, guilt is another feeling the OP struggles with. The Insight Center acknowledges that it is a normal feeling for parents when they believe they aren’t doing enough for their children.
They explain that feeling like a failure “can have a negative impact on well-being, mental health, and confidence in parenting style.” They further state that this feeling of guilt can make one unable to help their child through big emotions.
Netizens urged the OP not to let ADHD be an excuse for the daughter’s behavior. They also advised a strict approach, including telling her that her daughter would have to move out if her behavior didn’t change.
On the other hand, some commenters provided other perspectives, suggesting that her daughter may be struggling with autism, PMDD, or another condition rather than solely ADHD.
It is understandable as to why the OP feels like she has to be careful around her daughter. What would you do in a situation like this? Please let us hear your thoughts!
Some netizens believe there are other mental health issues at play, while others think she’s just disrespectful
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What do you think ?
Weasel Wise 2 days ago
Why are people suddenly like, "my kid has adhd/autism/ocd/blah blah blah, maybe that's why they're a complete àsshole?" NO! An àsshole is just an àsshole, young adult or elderly. Having mental health complications and just being a dikc need to stop being intermingled.
Shannon Donnelly 2 days ago
Because admitting your kid is an a*****e basically is the same thing as saying you did a s**t job as a parent, and I have yet to meet a parent who’s willing to own up to that. So much easier to blame it on one of the latest psychological alphabet diagnoses, because it seems like everyone’s kid has at least one or two of them these days.
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LakotaWolf (she/her) 3 days ago
You can't be venomous, mean, manipulative, abusive, and not care about hurting someone but still "have a lovely heart underneath it all". If you're abusive and manipulative, you don't have a lovely heart, nor are you "incredibly kind and generous" - those are performances put on in order to manipulate others. That being said, OP's daughter is very young and may not have fully developed the empathy/sympathy that we need in order to live in a society with other humans. This is above Mumsnet's paygrade; daughter needs to get checked to see if she has an actual diagnosis. As someone with some of the mentioned conditions, yeah, they can cause people to behave poorly and have social awkwardness, but they are generally not outright deliberately cruel/abusive - which it sounds like OP's daughter is.
Shannon Donnelly 2 days ago
Keep in mind that her mom is doing two things at once: seeing her daughter’s current behavior while desperately hoping the sweet child she remembers is still in there. But if Mom knows anything about ADHD, she’d know that it wouldn’t be an excuse for her daughter’s s****y behavior, though it could possibly be a factor. One thing that screamed out to me is that Mom has been so desperate to get her kid in line that she’s been PAYING HER to go to school! That’s a huge red flag and tells me the kid should have been in therapy years ago, not being tested for ADHD now. I hate to backseat parent, but Mom’s running about 4 years too late on this kid.
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Upstaged75 2 days ago (edited)
Behavior like that got my brother sent away to a school for kids with behavioral issues. They had to live there - so there was no way for him to get out of going to classes. He'd already been kicked out of 3 high schools and had been to every therapy my parents could find for him. Yes he had ADD and ODD but that's not always an excuse for being a terrible person who didn't respect anyone. I'm 100% sure if they hadn't done that he'd have ended up in jail or worse. I guess it worked, as he's a successful adult with a family and a good job now. Who knows where he might have ended up without intervention?
Sera 2 days ago
Not respecting authority is the hallmark of ODD, so kind of a reach to claim it’s not an excuse there.
Load More Replies... Weasel Wise 2 days ago
Why are people suddenly like, "my kid has adhd/autism/ocd/blah blah blah, maybe that's why they're a complete àsshole?" NO! An àsshole is just an àsshole, young adult or elderly. Having mental health complications and just being a dikc need to stop being intermingled.
Shannon Donnelly 2 days ago
Because admitting your kid is an a*****e basically is the same thing as saying you did a s**t job as a parent, and I have yet to meet a parent who’s willing to own up to that. So much easier to blame it on one of the latest psychological alphabet diagnoses, because it seems like everyone’s kid has at least one or two of them these days.
Load More Replies... LakotaWolf (she/her) 3 days ago
You can't be venomous, mean, manipulative, abusive, and not care about hurting someone but still "have a lovely heart underneath it all". If you're abusive and manipulative, you don't have a lovely heart, nor are you "incredibly kind and generous" - those are performances put on in order to manipulate others. That being said, OP's daughter is very young and may not have fully developed the empathy/sympathy that we need in order to live in a society with other humans. This is above Mumsnet's paygrade; daughter needs to get checked to see if she has an actual diagnosis. As someone with some of the mentioned conditions, yeah, they can cause people to behave poorly and have social awkwardness, but they are generally not outright deliberately cruel/abusive - which it sounds like OP's daughter is.
Shannon Donnelly 2 days ago
Keep in mind that her mom is doing two things at once: seeing her daughter’s current behavior while desperately hoping the sweet child she remembers is still in there. But if Mom knows anything about ADHD, she’d know that it wouldn’t be an excuse for her daughter’s s****y behavior, though it could possibly be a factor. One thing that screamed out to me is that Mom has been so desperate to get her kid in line that she’s been PAYING HER to go to school! That’s a huge red flag and tells me the kid should have been in therapy years ago, not being tested for ADHD now. I hate to backseat parent, but Mom’s running about 4 years too late on this kid.
Load More Replies... Upstaged75 2 days ago (edited)
Behavior like that got my brother sent away to a school for kids with behavioral issues. They had to live there - so there was no way for him to get out of going to classes. He'd already been kicked out of 3 high schools and had been to every therapy my parents could find for him. Yes he had ADD and ODD but that's not always an excuse for being a terrible person who didn't respect anyone. I'm 100% sure if they hadn't done that he'd have ended up in jail or worse. I guess it worked, as he's a successful adult with a family and a good job now. Who knows where he might have ended up without intervention?
Sera 2 days ago
Not respecting authority is the hallmark of ODD, so kind of a reach to claim it’s not an excuse there.
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