The lure of "The One" stretches across many different cultures. Everyone wants to find the perfect match, and there are many reasons why people hope their ideal person is out there. At the same time, it’s easy to feel the pressure of acquiring that smooth-sailing love story where the relationship seems so flawless that it has to be written in the stars.

Recent research has shown that an astonishing number of people expect to meet their pre-destined partner. For example, according to a 2021 YouGov poll that surveyed nearly 15,000 adults, the US seems to be the land of romantics. It found that 60% of Americans believe in the idea of soulmates, with women (64%) being more likely than men (55%) to say they believe in this idea of a perfect romantic partner.

But how do we know this person out of the nearly 8 billion people on Earth is really "The One"? Aren’t we just submitting to the assumption that somewhere out there our delightfully compatible lover is just waiting to bring some long-awaited meaning into our lives?

To gain more insight on the topic, we reached out to Dr. Nathalie Martinek, a narcissism hacker and relationship coach based in Melbourne, Australia. "The term 'soulmates' describes a powerful bond between two people who both feel an immediate familiarity with each other, as if they've known each other their entire life or in a past lifetime," she told Bored Panda.

Contrary to popular belief, soulmates are not necessarily bound by romantic relationships. They can be friends, family, business partners, or even strangers we barely know but immediately "click" with. But as Dr. Martinek pointed out, we usually use this term to describe affectionate connections.

"Since humans grow, develop, and mature, they will be drawn to different people at different phases of their life, or at different stages of emotional maturity. Rather than there only being one person perfect for us, there are people who match what we need for our maturation process at any given time, whether it's one person during adulthood, such as a spouse, or many different ideal partners," she said, adding there is no one way to be with a soulmate.

It's nice to believe that meeting your soulmate means you'll magically fall in love and stay this way forever. But there's evidence that this belief may have been instilled into us by movies and TV shows. A study conducted by researchers from the University of Michigan found that our romantic ideals often correlate with the media messages we were exposed to. They studied survey responses of 625 college students who indicated watching romantic movies, sitcoms, and marriage-themed reality shows.

The study revealed that higher exposure to romantic movies was associated with a stronger belief that "love finds a way." Bigger exposure to marriage-themed reality shows was connected to faith in "love at first sight" and "true love".

"True love is a concept that comes out of fairytales, stories, and myths that we read about in books that have been brought to life in films, love songs, and other media and don't always reflect reality," Dr. Martinek told us. "Unfortunately, these stories have influenced us to believe that we should strive for the fantasy of true love rather than strive for healthy and secure relationships."

Alarmingly, these fantasies also encourage us to trauma bond with people who offer this dream or who idealize us as the fantasy. "These relationships start with one person being swept off their feet by the other (like the hero or savior of their fantasy), convinced they found their soulmate. They quickly form an emotional bond and trust toward each other only to become disappointed and hurt by each other when one person discovers that the other person can't live up to the fantasy."

In relationships where trauma bonding is evident, the couple is locked into a cycle of extreme highs and lows, until one person has had enough and wants the relationship to end, Dr. Martinek added. "Some people stay in these turbulent relationships because the passion of conflict that leads to the passion of euphoria is addictive, and both people are hooked on the highs that come after experiencing the lows of conflict, believing they are making progress."

"Unfortunately, as long as many see this as 'true love', they will have difficulty being able to identify safe people who can cultivate healthy loving relationships because the lack of drama will make a relationship seem boring or stagnant," the expert warned.

But as it turns out, the media isn’t the only outlet teaching us what ideas we should form about romantic relationships. "There are many things that influence our beliefs about love," Dr. Martinek said. "Our ideas about love are mainly shaped by our experiences of love and nurturing by our parents/caregivers."

Parents model behaviors that children learn are normal, even if the behaviors are anything but. "These expressions of love shape the child's ideas of normal and continue to unknowingly seek out familiar experiences of love throughout their life. This is why some soulmates turn out to become toxic or abusive relationships because each person is automatically drawn to another who models familiar behaviors of giving love and are immediately comfortable with them."

But while the media is creating unrealistic fantasies about eternal love, technological advancement seems to also get in the way of real romance. Of course, the ubiquity of the Internet and mobile phones have made some aspects of relationship-building easier, but they’ve also made other elements more complicated.

For example, a 2019 survey revealed that seven-in-ten online daters believe it is common for others to lie and try to appear more desirable. Moreover, Americans who have used a dating site or app in the previous year said the experience left them feeling more frustrated (45%) than hopeful (28%).

"The rise of technology might make some cynical but hopefully has made many more see relationships and love more realistically because of the rise of information about narcissistic abuse, trauma bonding, and dysfunctional relationships," Dr. Martinek explained.

Since the widely accepted concept of true love sometimes signals more of a fantasy than reality, people should strive to create authentic relationships. "Redefining true love as relationships that are born out of mutual trust and mutual respect, shared expectations and values, the ability to value independence and each other's company, conflict resolution, negotiation, and emotional regulation skills, supporting each other's needs and desires for growth, is a more realistic, sustainable and healthier way of looking at 'true love'."

Instead of thinking there’s only one person out there for you, it’s healthier to focus on developing yourself, healing past relationship hurts, and avoiding looking for someone to be your savior or to be anyone else's savior, the relationship expert argued. "Notice the relationships you already have in your life that are mutually beneficial, where you can be your full self without fear of judgment and that you both treat each other with trust and respect."

"This relationship is a model for how healthy romantic relationships can be. Not buying into the fantasy is a first step to being able to see another person's strengths, needs, and flaws realistically (and vice versa) so that love can emerge from there rather than be dependent on another person trying to live up to a fantasy," Dr. Martinek concluded.