A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:


1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a*s.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a*s.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

So many years ago I was shopping for groceries and standing in the aisle with the honey and syrup. An older gentleman casually walked up to me and said, "What's the hardest part of licking molasses? Spreading their little cheeks." Then he walked off.....funny joke and random encounter 10/10.

NSFW but hilarious…

A penguin has his car break down and takes it in to get serviced on a hot summer’s day. While he’s waiting, he notices an ice cream parlor across the street. He heads over and gets a nice, big, vanilla ice cream cone and sits on the curb and eats it.

Since it’s so hot outside, it melts a bit and gets all over the place, especially around his beak.

Just then the mechanic calls to him and says his car is ready.

He heads inside, where the mechanic tells him, “looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin responds, “oh, no, it’s just a little ice cream.”.

My friend got me an elephant for my room. I said thanks and she said, don’t mention it.

How do you make holy water? Easy. Just boil the hell out of it.

A police officer pulls over a semi truck. He gets the usual license and registration, but hears strange noises coming from the trailer, so he decides to investigate. Inside, he finds 50 penguins.

“Sir, why do you have 50 penguins in your truck?” The officer asks the driver

“Well, they’re my friends, and we like to go on journeys together in my truck” the man replies

“I’m sorry sir, but you can’t just own 50 penguins. I’m afraid you’re going to have to take them to the zoo”

The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same cop pulls the truck over again, and once again hears strange noises in the trailer. He goes to check and finds the same 50 penguins.

“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday!” The cop angrily tells the driver

“I did take them to the zoo! They loved it! Today we’re going to the beach”.

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tell him "Sorry, we don't serve strings here. Get out."

The string walks out and unravels one end of himself and ties himself up a few times and walks back in and orders a drink. The bartender says "Aren't you the string that was just in here?"

The string replies >!"No, I'm a frayed knot"!<

Heard this joke probably 23 years ago. Still love it and tell it to people.