That old people are out of touch.

Some are. Some aren't. Some are way cooler than you.

When he asked my grandmother if she'd ever had children.

I was having a farting contest with my cousin in the bathroom. She let out one of those ones that ends in an upturned squeak, like her a*****e was meekly asking me a question. I lost it and threw my head back in laughter, and when my head came back down, it was into the granite countertop. at like 127 mph. I split my forehead open and had to go to the ER for stitches.But wait^theresmore.

In the ER, one of the nurses asked how I cut my forehead and I told her I was laughing at a fart. She laugh-farted in response.


I was 11 so obviously it was the funniest goddamn thing that had ever happened to me.


Anyway I’m 30 now and still have that stupid scar right between my eyebrows and sometimes I remember how I ruined thanksgiving like 20 years ago and then a nurse farted and I laugh.

A family friend, who happened to be lesbian, thought it would be a good idea to carry at least 20 plates across the living room. As one could expect, she dropped all of the plates onto the floor.
Then my grandfather, who barely knows this friend says the most infamous words in our families history, “you know those lesbians. Slippery fingers.”.