I walked into my office, and a lady from HR was sitting in my chair. I said, “Well, looks like I’m going to have to sit in your lap” and then she says, “Come on over. Giddy up!” My face turned bright red. She left, I sat down, we never spoke of it again.

At my first big job interview, I was insanely nervous. The interviewer asked, "How do you handle stress?"

And I suddenly let out a loud fart.

Maybe not that serious, but as I was getting rung up by a cashier and he handed me my receipt, my brain couldn't decide between "thanks homie" and "thanks bro" so my mouth went "thanks homo".

It must suck having gay parents. You either get twice the normal amount of dad jokes or stuck in an endless loop of go ask your mother.

What do dark humor and food have in common?

Not everybody gets it.

I actually just heard it today.

Jeffrey Dalmer ate Five Guys before it was even a restaurant.

What's the difference between a dirty transit hub and a lobster who's had plastic surgery? One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Phillope.

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized.".

My friend got me an elephant for my room. I said thanks and she said, don’t mention it.

How do you make holy water? Easy. Just boil the hell out of it.