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30 Times Moms Projected Their Own Insecurities Onto Their Daughters That They Only Realized Later In Life
The bond between a mother and her daughter is one of the strongest ones out there. But just as any parent-child relationship, at times it can become strenuous and succumb to conflict. Of course, it doesn't automatically mean that everything's lost. The intentions of both parties might be good and they could still cherish their relationship. It just might be a temporary setback.
But sometimes, as one Reddit thread shows, it might take years before you realize what's happening. Especially if you're the younger one.
Created by user skeleton-hands, it raised the question: "Did your mother ever make comments to you in your teenage years that, [when] you've grown up, [made you] realize she was bitter and jealous of your youth? How did it stick with you?"
And in response, many women shared their personal stories, reflecting on how these experiences affected them in the long run.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
One time, I was in my bathroom, doing my hair and makeup with the door open. I wore form-fitted clothing — nothing absurdly tight but you could see my figure — and weighed 115–120 pounds at most. I've always been a stick and still am, even though I'm over 30 now. Anyway, my mother walked by and watched me for a moment. She made that 'tsk' sound, so I turned to her. We locked eyes in time for me to hear her say, 'You're getting fat.' She then left to lock herself in her room. It didn't stick with me because I believed her — I could look in a mirror and genuinely recognize that it was her projection — but because she was supposed to be my mother — the woman who's always in my corner, supporting me, being my rock and shield. It's stuck with me because, in that moment, I was able to recognize that she was broken. She was not this almighty person without faults. My parents were both narcissists, so it was kind of an epiphany for me. They always gaslighted me, and this was THE moment it all made sense to me.
So when my mother said that to me, she actually did me a favor because that gave me the clarity I truly needed. Without knowing it, she unknowingly gave me permission to completely disregard her words and behaviors from my conscience. As backward as it is when I think of that moment, I feel the freedom it gave me.
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#2
My mum daily told me she hated me. Wish I'd never been born. Wish I'd run under the nearest bus. Refused to buy me clothes (incl school uniform) as I was so fat, nothing looked good on me. I was a bit chubby, but not fat. This led to ful blown anorexia for 10 years. Then I was too thin, looked awful etc. Would never get a boyfriend. Wished I was as perfect as all her friends' children. Rubbed my underwear in my face when I hit puberty saying any 'discharge' was because I kept playing with myself (I had no idea what she was talking about).
My dad whom I adored sat there and said nothing as he was terrified of her. He later divorced her (fully supported his decision) but he divorced his children too. I don't know what's worse - what she did or my beloved dad rejecting me as an adult.
When I was told I'd never have children aged 20, apparently that was God as he knew I'd be a horrible parent. Well sod you, Mother, as I have 2 wonderful children that I adore and my friends and their friends always comment on our amazing relationship - my 2 kids adore each other too.
Our relationship is fractious to say the least as my memory serves me far too well. I despised her when I was growing up. I still can't bring myself to send her anything but blank mother's day cards as she does not fit the verses written inside.
Apart from low self esteem etc, I struggle to form any close relationship. Relationships or otherwise. I've been single since I divorced my children's father 16 years ago. But we're a very happy threesome. My son is at uni and I've no idea how I'll cope when my daughter goes next year. Both are doing medicine, BTW, which my mother is very jealous about!
I did ask her once why she did it. She claimed to be 'disciplining' me. I was a straight A pupil who never even had a detention at school.
It was only when I had my own children that I couldn't believe someone could treat their own child that way - if a stranger spoke to my kids the way she did to me, I'd kill them.
The fine line between discipline and child abuse ain't that bldy fine.
I'm sorry - Mother's Day in the UK was yesterday and I always find it difficult.
#3
My mom's probably an AA cup, and any time I'd show any cleavage, it was like the world was coming to an end. When we would go clothes shopping, I was constantly told nothing would fit me because I had 'no boobs like her.' At the same time, showing any skin whatsoever was inappropriate. Basically, I only wore loose-fitting shirts until I graduated from high school. My mom also tried to convince me that I, too, was an AA cup. I wore the wrong bra size until I was 18–19. Thankfully, a friend in my first year of university took me bra fitting. Turns out, I'm actually a C cup
#4
My mum would regularly remind me she was thin until she got pregnant with me. She would give me way more food than I could handle, and would scream at me if I didn't eat it all. I was slightly overweight, but she would always tell me I was too thin and that I needed to eat more. I became convinced she was trying to fatten me up to make herself feel better, so I started flushing my dinner down the toilet so she wouldn't yell at me for not finishing it.
Now I'm approaching my 30s and gaining weight. I've been having frequent anxiety attacks because I desperately don't want to be fat and miserable like she was.
#5
My mom told me I didn’t have “ballet arms” when I was like six or seven. I quit dancing immediately and have always been self conscious of my arms.
my mom was a ballerina for like 15 years. I learned recently that when she and her sister were little, a teacher told her sister that she didn’t have ballet arms. I guess it made my mom feel special to have been chosen and she wanted to continue to feel special by putting me down
#6
Trigger warning
Eating disorders, Alcoholism
My mom kept all her journals from her teen years. She had a very obvious undiagnosed eating disorder, so these journals mostly contained obsessive measurements of her chest, waist, hips, dress sizes, and weight.
She used to get drunk and weigh me to point out how much "less hot and healthy" I was compared to her. She would tell me that I was "wasting the great genes she gave me" by not being thin. Big yikes.
It created an eating disorder, as you might expect
I also got my belly button pierced in college, and she decided to tell me that she would look even better with a belly button piercing if I didn't make her have an emergency C-Section.
Any young girls reading this: you are so BEAUTIFUL and worth so much more than your weight or bra size. Don't let anyone make you think that you aren't.
Fellow moms of reddit: your child really pays attention to how you talk about bodies. Do so gracefully and respectfully, because that's what you and your child both deserve.
Susan Trevaskis-Owen 2 years ago
No, not all young girls are beautiful. But you know what? THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE. A person's value, a person's worth, is not tied to their looks. It's OK to not be beautiful.
#7
My mom a little, but especially my aunt. All the women in my family are flat-chested. Any time I'd have cleavage showing they'd act like they were getting blinded and tell me to cover up (I'm a C cup so it's not like I have monster boobs). My aunt lost a bunch of weight and was showing some new 'makeover' clothes she bought and said, "YOU could never wear this, your boobs are too big" like it was an insult. Not long after she claimed to have magically grown from an A to a C cup through her weight loss (which obviously makes no sense but she insisted it was from inhaling air pollutants where she lived). I later discovered she was buying too-big bras and stuffing them with gel pads so she could tell people her boobs had grown.
So catty.
#8
“You’ll never be prettier than you are at 16” that was extremely wrong and very messy in my head
#9
My mum straight up told me she was prettier/skinnier/younger looking than me when she was my age. She told my red headed sister that her hair was ugly (she was a bottle blonde, mousy brown naturally). I regularly heard that she got on public transport as under age when she was in her 20's. That she was anorexic (said proudly btw) in her teens. Ugh, even on her deathbed she was proud of how skinny she was. Due to her illness. It was very important to her to be skinny
#10
My mom always told me she would help me pay for a nose job if I ever wanted one. I grew up thinking I was so ugly and that my nose ruined my face. I now know that I'm not ugly at all, but my nose is still my biggest insecurity.
Jo Johannsen 2 years ago
My mother told me on an almost daily basis that no one would ever want to marry me. That was cruel to both me and my ex, because if I had had my head on straight, I wouldn't have dived into a doomed relationship.
#11
I had acne as a teen & I remember she got me a blackhead removal kit as a Christmas gift one year. I spent a literal hour in the bathroom mashing my face with these tools & when I came out & asked if it looked better, she responded "no, I can still play connect the dots on your face." I went into the bathroom & cried while looking in the mirror before sinking to the floor.
#12
My mother found some jeans from her 20s, and when I tried them on she chortled that she had been smaller in her 20s than I was in my teens.
#13
Jesus you guys I am so sorry. Your moms sound awful! No young woman should ever have to hear that shit especially from their mother or women who are supposed to protect them. My mom put an emphasis on looks and weight and has some unhealthy body image issues that certainly rubbed off on me. But she was always building me up and telling me how beautiful I was. Sometimes putting too much importance on looks and attraction from men but after reading y’alls comments- DAMN! I would have preferred this treatment over yours’. I hope if any of you have daughters you build them up and break that hateful ugly cycle. We women have to be better and love each other.
#14
My mother (and others) used to say I was ugly or said certain things to or about me that made me feel ugly. Obviously I grew up with major self-esteem and confidence issues, hating the way I looked (I still do to a certain extent). Looking back at old photos though, me being unattractive was far from the truth. It pains me to think of the many years I spent literally hiding away from the world because of (among other things) anxiety about the way I looked. I am not sure if my mom was actually bitter or jealous... I think she had periods of general unhappiness/discontent with her own life that she took it out on me, putting me down. I never confronted her about her words. We have a better relationship now even though I still struggle with body dysmorphia.
#15
I was in the best shape of my life in high school. I played varsity sports and was really proud of myself. One time, I showed my mom a bikini I purchased for a pool party. She responded, 'Girls your size shouldn't wear bikinis,' then smiled and bragged about how she weighed less than I did when she was pregnant. At the time, I was 5'2" and weighed 125 pounds with D cups. When my mom had me, she was 5' and weighed 100 pounds with A cups. She put me on my first diet when I was 8 because I started growing breasts. No elementary school child should be forced to drink SlimFast — especially at school lunch
Sarah Semsch 2 years ago
How could your teachers see you were literally drinking diet drinks and not do something? This sounds like child abuse
#16
When I struggled with acne as a teen, my adoptive father initiated a dinner table discussion about how I 'didn't wash my face, obviously, because only boys get pimples.' My mom — who'd never had a pimple in her life despite not washing her face — started too. After about five minutes, I emotionlessly said, 'I really don't care.' My mom responded, 'Yeah, of course, you wouldn't. You don't have to look at yourself. Everyone else has to. I didn't respond. Instead, I got up to clean my plate, but my mom came storming into the kitchen after me, screaming about what sort of an asshole and immature, teenage-whatever I was.
I didn't say a word at first, then calmly said, 'Someone has to behave like the adult around here,' and walked away. She shouted, 'Go to your room and don't come out! I don't want to see you!' Ever since then, I developed body dysmorphic disorder around my skin
#17
When I was 20, ultra low-rise jeans were popular. Because of that, I bought my first pair of bikini, string-style underwear. I don't remember how my mom found them, but when she saw them, she asked, 'How doesn't your pubic hair stick out?' I side-eyed her and said, '...I shave it.' She then gave me the most disgusted look as though I were a horrible person for shaving so that I could look nice in underwear. In my early 30s, I started eating clean and lifting heavy weights. I ended up losing weight, and she said, 'Are you trying to be anorexic or something?'" Both of those experiences stuck out to me — I remember her tone of voice, the disgust on her face, the inability to accept me for being different from her. I'm 41 now, and it still bugs me
Allen Julie 2 years ago
It's that look of disgust you never ever forget it we were in a dressing room once and I do have big thighs but my mom looked at some pants I was wearing and said your thighs are so big they're almost like a deformity I will never forget that as long as I live and that's only one of many horrible horrible things my mother has said to me
#18
My mum used to do some modelling and she’d bring it up constantly whenever anyone complimented me. I remember being in my early teens and her putting huge pressure on me to turn out like she did.
Now that we’re well past that and I’m more confident in myself i can tell she was just jealous. But for a few years I really felt disconnected from her and I couldn’t ever feel comfortable in my own skin
#19
My mom absolutely refused to believe I had bigger boobs than her, I complained about being a D cup and then a DD cup and she wouldn't buy me the correct size bra until we went to victoria's secret and I got measured as a DD cup and then she thought they were upselling me to make me feel good? Turned out she had D cups too that she had been squeezing into B cups for years.
DumYum 2 years ago (edited)
My daughter started to develop at 11. We got her a bra because she was self conscious about her nipples showing through her clothes. Her best friend’s mother didn’t believe my daughter needed a bra and would poke her chest to see if “they” were real and make her feel bad about “lying.” Her reasoning was because she started puberty at 15 and that meant all girls start to develop at 15. We explained to our daughter that this woman had a mental issue that had nothing to do with her. Husband had a talk with this woman and said something along the lines like, “young girls blossom at different times. It’s a wonderful journey for a girl to young woman to woman. Your daughter will blossom someday, don’t you think that’s natural and beautiful?” The mother replied, “I don’t ever want that to happen to my daughter.” Needless to say, it did happen.
#20
My mum has told me for years that she doesn't understand how she could have produced a fat, ugly child like me as she was such a beautiful and slim woman when she became pregnant with me. It stuck with me for many many years and I had such a low opinion of myself until I met someone a few years ago who gave me my self esteem back.
#21
My mom was 98 pounds when she graduated high school. I was a chunky kid. I had my dad's genes, and when I was pre-pubescent (around 10), I gained 50 pounds in a year for seemingly no reason. Instead of trying to get to the bottom of what happened, my mother was laser-focused on me losing weight. I was 10 years old and keeping a food journal. My mother monitored everything I put into my mouth. Right after I gained all that weight, she had me try on her wedding dress. She got married at 29. I was 10. It didn't fit me. I still remember how terrible I felt about it. To this day, she tries to incentivize me to lose weight. I hate shopping with her because, even though she's gained weight, she is a smaller size than I am — she's also 7 inches shorter. If I find something I like that doesn't come in my size, she'll buy it for herself and tell me I can have it when I lose enough weight
#22
When I was 12 and in seventh grade, I had this pair of shorts that I loved. They were sparkly and purple. I wore them constantly. However, my mom would often put them on and constantly brag to everybody about how she could fit into my shorts. Mind you, these shorts fit me when I was still child-like. A year later, when I went through a growth spurt and gained 20 pounds, I was insanely insecure that my mom could still fit into the shorts, but I no longer could. Once I couldn't fit into them anymore, she gleefully took them and continued bragging about how she could. Looking back now at age 31, I realize that my mom had some serious body image issues. I also think she was dealing with an eating disorder at the time."
"Either way, it was annoying AF, and I hated the feeling that she was competing with me
#23
My mother constantly called me a 'dyke' because I hated ballet and wanted to play soccer. I'm now a full-grown adult, and she called me 'butch' last week for taking MMA classes to get in shape."
"My mother is easily the most toxic person on the planet. For context, this woman looks like the Crypt Keeper and Dr. Eggman had a baby
#24
At about 16 I was struggling with one of my nipples inverting... I was terrified and the internet did not help.
I confided in my mom & she asked me to see. I took my shirt off and showed her - she laughed in my face. Did not help or console me.
I went to the doctor without her help soon after that.
Even today I am self conscious about my breasts even though I have no reason to be at all. My brain knows it, but can't get over what happened.
She also used to tell me I was a 'late bloomer' well my body hasn't changed since I was a teen. I'm petite with small breasts... Guess I never bloomed. I fucking hate that term.
Thank goodness I have a supportive partner who tells me my body is beautiful... I'm the shape of a 90s super model and that should have never been in style.
#25
One day there was a guy tutoring my younger brother and the tutor was my age. My father wanted me to socialize more with people my age so he suggested I say hi to the guy. I have social anxiety and denied the advice to which my mom commented "your response would have been understandable if you were as pretty as I used to be at your age". And honestly that comment haunts me everyday.
#26
When I was 21, I was depressed because I broke up with my abusive boyfriend who I somehow wanted back. I weighed 99 pounds. My bones showed everywhere. When my parents came to visit, my mom said, 'You look so good, skinny, and slim like that!' I told her that I'd barely eat and cry myself to sleep every night. After a few moments of silence, she replied, 'It's going to be fine. Just don't get fat like I did.' A few months passed, and I'd gained some weight and felt a lot better. When I went home, the first thing my mom said was: 'Did you put some weight on? Do not get fat, please! Look at your arms — they're starting to get chubby!' I was 110 pounds then. I replied, 'I feel better than how I felt before. I eat regularly and exercise. This is what you tell me?' She gave me this ugly look and said, 'If you get any chubbier, no man will look at you. I used to grab men’s attention all the time. It made me feel pretty.'"
"During my depressive episode, I was barely doing stuff for college and barely passing my exams. I used to drink a bottle of wine a night and smoke a pack a day. I was literally sick.
With my mom, it wasn’t necessarily a jealousy type of thing. She was projecting her own insecurities on me, and that bothered me very much. I still think about it every now and then.
(T)reacherou(S) 2 years ago
That's so awful. Bad enough with the abusive ex, and then the mother says things like this! Smh.
#27
When I was a teenager my mom made all kinds of hurtful comments about my body that probably lead to my long term eating disorder that she would make jokes about. It’s unclear whether or not she TRULY realized that I was legitimately struggling. She also always had something to say about my breast size bc I’m a DDD and she was an A cup. I must’ve gotten that from my dads side of the family. I felt a lot of shame about my body and sex when I was younger but as I age it’s been left in the past and I can see where her hostility was really coming from
Ruth Watry 2 years ago
My sister's and I got my dad's mom's boobs (AA & As) and my mom flaunted her Bs because "they made her more of a real woman"
#28
oh my god YES!! I thought I was the only one. I was always underweight as a kid, but I gained some weight around age 12-13 and ended up on the thinner end of "healthy". My mother would always make snide remarks about my body, like my butt is too big and my thighs are too fat. I was average sized at most lmao. I feel like this came from her own insecurities, as she was overweight and my dad would always make degrading comments about her body. Her south Asian culture might also have something to do with it (I'm not trying to be racist or anything here, just my own observation). It really hurt at the time (I had an eating disorder when I was 10-11) but I've learned to just ignore her now.
Tuna Fish 2 years ago
I posted this up higher but I think it fits better here. My mom was always embarrassed about me being the only "fat" kid out of 7. She once told a woman from her church right in front of me that the dr thought I might have a tumor in my belly making it stick out like it did. I guess it was better for her to have a daughter with a tumor rather than a fat belly. That was the moment I realized my mother was ashamed of me and I should be ashamed of myself also. Lasted until I was an adult.
#29
The only two times I've told her about being catcalled, she's either blamed it on me or said something like, 'Well, you should be grateful. I don't get that type of attention from men anymore.' The first time I told her, I was 14 and walking home in my school uniform. The second time, I was 19 and walking in the forest near my house. I don't tell her when I get catcalled anymore
#30
Yes. My mom has always worn her eye makeup the same way: heavy lower eyeliner, mascara, and eyeshadow. It doesn't suit her and makes her eyes look tiny and dark, but it's what she likes, I guess.
We used to get ready in the bathroom together when I was growing up, so I kind of learned from watching her (though I avoided eyeliner when I was young). But I guess it still wasn't right because, one day when I was maybe 14, my mom made a comment about HOW I was applying my makeup and that my mascara didn't look good. It's such a small comment to make but I'm nearly 30 now, and I still don't like doing my makeup around anyone (my friends, my boyfriend, etc.) because I feel like I'll be criticized.
HOWEVER, I think the comment was prompted by her noticing that I didn't use eyeliner and that teenage me was trying to do something different than what she liked. Because for several years now, she has been complimenting my makeup and asking me to show her how I do it and what products I use, etc. I think maybe she had wanted to try something different with her makeup but never knew how, and became defensive because she didn't know, but I was younger and did? Does that make sense?
What do you think ?
JustinTime 2 years ago
This article hurts bad!! I was the Lightning rod for my mom’s s**t my entire life, she’s a venomous bipolar narcissist. On 2007 the mother of my twins took her own life, we weren’t together, and my mom told me the twins would be better off if I killed myself. No one talks to her anymore and she blames me for that.
Caro Caro 2 years ago
Jesus. I'm really sorry JustinTime. So very sorry for your loss. Are you ok? and the twins? HUG from me.
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Susie Elle 2 years ago
As hurtful and damaging these moms were, their behavior mostly shows how toxic and destructive the endless focus on the female outer appearance is and has been. Imagine being that brainwashed by society that your body is never good enough that you take it with you to your actual deathbed. It's horrifying, and incredibly sad that the trauma runs so deep the moms belittled and hurt their own daughters just to escape from their own pain. There are no winners here.
Caro Caro 2 years ago (edited)
Jealous women can be so toxic. They should know better but seem to think they are more important than their children... but forget that you should NEVER insult your kids. When we get jealous of someone else, we are always insecure in our own ability to get or provide that same thing. Insecurity is fear and doubt.
Lola 2 years ago
I believe this is more than insecurity though. These women are showing deep mental issues that go beyond insecurity. I think they are downright monstrous. It’s hard to believe when you have been told that no one loves you like a mother. And that is the greatest love and blah blah. While it’s true for most mothers, obviously not for all.
Load More Replies...
JustinTime 2 years ago
This article hurts bad!! I was the Lightning rod for my mom’s s**t my entire life, she’s a venomous bipolar narcissist. On 2007 the mother of my twins took her own life, we weren’t together, and my mom told me the twins would be better off if I killed myself. No one talks to her anymore and she blames me for that.
Caro Caro 2 years ago
Jesus. I'm really sorry JustinTime. So very sorry for your loss. Are you ok? and the twins? HUG from me.
Load More Replies... Susie Elle 2 years ago
As hurtful and damaging these moms were, their behavior mostly shows how toxic and destructive the endless focus on the female outer appearance is and has been. Imagine being that brainwashed by society that your body is never good enough that you take it with you to your actual deathbed. It's horrifying, and incredibly sad that the trauma runs so deep the moms belittled and hurt their own daughters just to escape from their own pain. There are no winners here.
Caro Caro 2 years ago (edited)
Jealous women can be so toxic. They should know better but seem to think they are more important than their children... but forget that you should NEVER insult your kids. When we get jealous of someone else, we are always insecure in our own ability to get or provide that same thing. Insecurity is fear and doubt.
Lola 2 years ago
I believe this is more than insecurity though. These women are showing deep mental issues that go beyond insecurity. I think they are downright monstrous. It’s hard to believe when you have been told that no one loves you like a mother. And that is the greatest love and blah blah. While it’s true for most mothers, obviously not for all.
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