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Swimming in warm water in the summertime. Placing the final piece of a puzzle that’s taken you months to complete. ‘Roasting’ someone online with a comeback so witty and so savage, they had to call the ‘Oh Snap’ and fire brigades. All three things have one thing in common—they’re all human experiences that make us feel gooood.
The ‘Clever Comebacks’ subreddit is one of the best places on the net to go to for awesome retorts that will forever be enshrined on the internet in online screenshots. Check out some of the most on-point and hilarious comebacks they posted ever. Remember to upvote your fave ones and we hope they’ll inspire you to show off your wit the next time someone says something dumb or has a go at you.
Bored Panda was interested to learn about what makes comebacks witty and about comedic timing, so we reached out to comedy writer and author of 'How to Live to 100,' Ariane Sherine. Read on to learn what she told us. What’s the best comeback that you’ve ever said or heard in real life, dear Readers? Do you think that the pen is mightier than the sword? Share your thoughts with all of us in the comments.
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#1
I Understand Completely
RELATED:
#2
Never Underestimate A Woman
Martha Meyer 4 years ago
I bet this same guy thinks he's qualified to talk about abortion even though he can't give birth.
#3
“Migrants Can’t Assimilate Into Society”
Comedy writer Ariane told Bored Panda that, in her opinion, witty comebacks can be both spontaenous and planned out. "I've definitely come up with comebacks that are spontaneous. For instance, I told my daughter that if she didn't behave, I'd give her inheritance to a donkey sanctuary. She said, 'You wouldn't', and I came back, 'You bet your ass!' But though I hadn't used that comeback before, I clearly had knowledge of the pun and might have used something similar in the past."
She also pointed out something that honestly took me by surprise: "When it comes to stand-up, a lot of heckle putdowns are scripted and shared among comics." And here I thought that heckles were all instinctive and natural. I'll have to rethink some stuff about my fave comedians now.
#4
Love This Guy
#5
Idk If This Has Been Posted Before, But I Love His Little Smile
#6
People Really Live In Their Own Little Bubbles
Ariane said that the line between a regular comeback and one that makes us snort into our cups of tea is clear for everyone to see. "It needs to be very fast, well-timed, and take people by surprise as well as being clever, witty, and immediately understandable." So no pressure then!
The beauty of comedy, according to Ariane, is that (sometimes) our subconscious mind kicks in and takes us by surprise, along with the audience. "But that's relatively rare in my experience. I'm sure many other comics are more natural than I am!
#7
Please Wear A Mask And Stay Safe
#8
You're The Problem
#9
Thank You Andy Wang!
Truth Monster 4 years ago
cultural gatekeeping has got to be the dumbest thing I have ever seen. The best and most inclusive societies culturally appropriate all. the. time.
The ‘Clever Comebacks’ community was founded in January 2018 and will be celebrating its 3-year anniversary very soon. In that time, they’ve amassed nearly 679k loyal members who are practicing the ancient art of the perfect comeback.
Personally, I think that comebacks are all about accurate, piercing, rapier-like wit. And the essence of wit is brevity, spontaneity, and stating the truth. It’s not a comeback if you spend an hour thinking about it and then another hour writing it out. Comebacks are the sniper rifles of the verbal battlefield. Not shotguns. Not machine guns. It’s all about one phrase—one roast.
The BBC tends to agree with my point of view. According to Rhea Wessel, witty comebacks can’t be planned—they can only be made in the moment. And timing is everything. Even if you come up with the perfect thing you could’ve said while you’re in the shower a day later, that amazing comeback is useless now. Too little. Too late.
#10
I Don’t Care If Repost Made Me Laugh
#12
British Museum
That’s actually the beauty of comebacks. Sometimes, you end up just as surprised by your wit as everyone else is. It’s like, for a single beautiful moment, the Spirit of Absolute Roasting possessed you and gave you glorious guidance.
Abigail Paul, the artistic director at the Theatre Language Studio in Frankfurt, told the BBC that we can improve our wit by giving ourselves just a bit of extra time to craft a great answer. Strangely enough, that involves becoming a better listener. We need to train ourselves to listen to others and respond appropriately, instead of tuning out and only thinking about the points we want to make in the discussion. That way, you’ll be more than ready to mount a witty defense because you won’t be caught unaware.
#13
This Is A Really Good Reply To Trump's Tweet
#14
Raw Skiny Jeans Bat
#15
Useless Trees
#16
What An Awful Way To Protect The Elderly
#17
Rage Against Something
#18
Actions Speak Louder Than Words.
#19
Separate Payments
#20
They Also Don't Come In Exciting Anime
#21
Depression vs. Asthma
#22
Big Footprints To Fill
#23
Not Mine But On Point
#24
Another Reason To Love The Beatles
#25
Elite Finish
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
What kind of relationship is that. We don’t have his money or my money, it is OUR money.
#26
Flameproofing? But My House Isn't On Fire!
#27
Flat Earthers Make Me Happy Because I Know I'm Not A Complete Failure
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
Is this just a joke to tease flat earthers or do flat earthers actually use the “flat” horizon as their argument? Do they not realise that we can’t see the curve because the earth is so large.
#28
Does This Count? The Author Actually Replied Back To Me Lmao
#29
That Last Line Though
#30
Left vs. Right
#31
They Did Not See This Coming
Mike Ward 4 years ago
You should have kept going, it's full of gory plot twists that the film Saw would be proud of. If you ever feel you haven't encountered enough blood lust and depravity, open a bible up to the part where David gave Saul 100 Philistine foreskins in exchange for Saul's daughter, pure horror.
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Sasy 4 years ago
Every Atheist I know has read multiple works of many religions, they want to know everything.
Ruth Mayfly 4 years ago
I tried to read the bible, but I got stuck on a bit of the old testament which was catagorizing different types of spots as clean or unclean (clearly an early way of passing on knowledge about communicable vs non-communicable diseases, but damn was it dull to read) I've never got through other religious works either. I think I just don't consider them special enough. To me it's just some dude/dudes from long ago talking, it's kind of interesting to get inside their mindset a bit but also there's nothing to elevate their viewpoint above any of the other people who existed then or who exist now.
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Navy Blue Bandana 4 years ago
Ok I am Christian, and I certainly wouldn't mock your religion (or lack thereof) online, so it would be great if you didn't mock mine!
Luther von Wolfen 4 years ago
As Christians, we should expect and accept mockery (cf. John 15:18). It does no good to argue with atheists (Matthew 7:6). We should instead love them (Luke 6:32).
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Katie Lutesinger 4 years ago
Reading the bible is precisely why I'm an atheist. I read it quite thoroughly and the god depicted in it simply did not appeal to me. And I really didn't like all the horrible cruelty said god apparently approved of.
Israel Martinez 4 years ago (edited)
As an atheist, I agree with this ... one cannot argue any concept without actually knowing as much as one can about the subject ... Neil Degrasse Tyson has said as much (he included the Bible in his list of required reading books) ...
The Cute Cat 4 years ago
Many open minded person read all holy books.. I have done the koran and bible.. It is always better to understand more..
Sarah 4 years ago
I'm a Christian. Most of us don't make fun other religions. Please learn to be respectful of other people and what they believe. This world is already ruined enough with racism, and the pandemic. We need to come together, not make fun of people for what they believe. It's okay to have your opinions, just be respectful of how you share them. Thank you.
Virgil Blue 4 years ago
I know lots of other Christian's that live to make fun and denigrate people, so that's not saying much, but I'm glad you are at least not one of them.
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Kika González 4 years ago
The bible is not fantasy. There is proven history, and parables. It is not identified as fact from cover to cover, neither its it complete fiction, or fantasy as the word you used
Terd Fergison 4 years ago
There is a story with a talking donkey in it. God spoke some magic words while creating the universe. God created Adam out of mud, dirt, or clay. There are witches, wizards, warlocks, angels, demons, souls, zombies, giants, dragons, etc. Are any of those things real? No. Pure fantasy.
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Harleen 4 years ago
Could we not mock other people's religions? That's not clever. It's Creedism.
Terd Fergison 4 years ago
Respect is earned, not given. The god of the bible is super evil. In Egypt he supposedly murdered 1st born sons (some must have toddlers and infants). He supposedly flooded a world killing every puppy and kitten on earth via torturous drowning. This is a hugely malevolent, evil god. He doesn't deserve any respect. He's a fictional character that deserves scorn and ridicule. There was a time when christianity ruled the world, and it was called the dark ages for a f-u-c-king reason! When christians ruled the world, they tortured and killed people just for saying the sun is the center of our planetary system. When you guys ruled the world, it was by the sword and by murder. Now you have the guts to complain if someone speaks the truth or has a valid criticism? F-u-c-k off!
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Harløw-Banditø 4 years ago (edited)
No offense to any Christians but we just think that the idea of a sky daddy is kinda ridiculous. I’ll believe it when I see it with my own eyes. I need evidence. This is just how I function. Again I do hope that any Christians reading this are not offended
eezycheezes101 4 years ago
Sky daddy? SKY DADDY?! Ok, you went WAYYYYYYYYYY too far just now. Lord (YES, LORD) is my father and always will be my father. You may not think he is, but what about all the other children AND adults, actually, that have no parents, or no actual father figure in their life? So just screw them, right? besides, God shows up in MANY MANY different ways. You may have seen him more times than you can count. Oh, wait, nevermind. You were too busy being an ASSHOLE.
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Michał Jastrzębski 3 years ago
nah, we just look at what church does vs what it preaches. Its way more than enough.
Steve Cruz 4 years ago
The most common mistake that Christ-insanes make about Atheists is that we don't know their mythology. I graduated valedictorian from bible college and worked in churches for a decade. Unlike my former colleagues, I couldn't carry on LYING just because it paid really well and made me feel persuasive.
M Kate McCulloch 4 years ago
so much to say on this but pearls before swine is a life lesson I've learned
Vicki Perizzolo 4 years ago
Sci Fi and Fantasy have nothing on the Bible and it's fictional events
Minecraft Nube 4 years ago
Sigh, unless anyone here can prove me wrong, what have Christian's ever done wrong to u guys, for everyone who made a rude comment here on Christianity, if you believe in a religion shame on your religion, because they honestly aren't making you any nicer or more respectful.
Wolfstar 4 years ago
What have Christians done wrong to me: Christian parents threw me out and abused me, attempted to assault me for my sexuality, bring their religion into politics, use their religion as an excuse to deny women's rights to their own bodies, etc.
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Alex Hamilton 4 years ago
God is to be found in the soul, not in a book. This applies to all faiths,
Terd Fergison 4 years ago (edited)
There are religions without gods. Look up Shintoism. Some Native American religions focus on nature. If you are claiming that there is a soul, can you please provide some evidence that a soul even exists? Science points to the soul being a fictional concept. And how did you come to your god belief? Likely people read you the bible.
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Terd Fergison 4 years ago
Charlotte, the bible is book with a story with a talking donkey in it. A talking f-u-c-king donkey. In the bible there are witches, wizards, warlocks, dragons, ghosts, giants, demons, angels, souls, etc. There’s Samson, a guy who gets super powers from the length of his hair. Is any of that real? No. It’s clearly fantasy.
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hoRSefAce 4 years ago
This is a reply to @AstridNineor but it wouldn't let me reply where she is because she has so many downvotes. And I haven't heard that comeback like 1234 times before. I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.
eezycheezes101 4 years ago
XD "because she has so many downvotes" YES YOU ARE THE BEST @hoRSefAce
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Panda Mona 4 years ago
If I want to get closer to God, I actually do anything else but reading ...
Terd Fergison 4 years ago
Like get high? Is this a joke comment? Which god do you believe in? If it is the christian god, you can't even get that god without the bible, so maybe start reading it.
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Lord Mysticlaw 4 years ago
I am an atheist and I know the bible very well actually, having been raised very religiously.
sylvantic 4 years ago
i don't get all the anti-religion stuff on the internet. If i believe in g-d and find my religion important, why can't you just leave me to my beliefs instead of trying to convince people that they're wrong?
Jon S. 4 years ago (edited)
The general sentiment among non-believers is that if religion stayed personal, that would be fine and dandy. But when people are using religion to guide ethics and politics, then it becomes a source of misery in society which needs to be challenged.
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François Carré 4 years ago
The amount of nonsense, obscure or ethically questionable content you can find in these books is actually impressive.
Shelp 4 years ago
What they say: "the Bible is a sacred book written by noone else than God himself" What the Bible tells: "Jesus yelled at a tree"
Virgil Blue 4 years ago
But it was a bad tree that did not bear fruit out of season when Mr J was hangry.
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Mya Lugar 4 years ago
Me too, Sandra. It ought to be thought of as child abuse to indoctrinate your children in these part straight fantasies mixed with "parables" mixed with historical or geographic smatterings that are passed off as fact.. Kinda like the ELf on the Shelf making kids be good so Santa will come..but Christmas presents will only be there in the afterlife. Who says? Far too vague and dissociative.
Colin Mochrie At Its Finest 4 years ago
If God was real, wouldn't everyone's lives be perfect? "God is good" says the near-homeless abused lady (as an example).
Colin Mochrie At Its Finest 4 years ago
Adding, I have no issue with Sandra's statement and Idgaf if it offends someone.
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#32
Columbus Day
Truth Monster 4 years ago
End up in a random aisle and whatever you find there is now "Indian Food."
#33
Austin Powers Would Be Proud Of That Comeback
#34
'im Tired Of Being Responsible For Something That Is Entirely My Resposibility.'
#35
I Love Puns
#36
Who’ll Email You When You Block Him
#37
Can't Get Any More Clever Than This
Kirsten Kerkhof 4 years ago
I will never have the guts to send a reply like that, but by Golly, I wish I would ...
#38
Invasive Species
#39
Don’t Boast About Your Iq Test
#40
Oof! British People Be Like...
#41
Honesty Is The Best Policy
#42
I Mean, He's Not Wrong ..
#43
Depends On Who Writes The Comic
#44
Boomer vs. Millenial
#45
It’s Funny Because It’s True
#46
She Isn’t A Walking Womb
Lauren Caswell 4 years ago
F**k this molyneux d**k. He was banned from speaking here (new zealand) in 2018 I think, the brainless monstrous mosque shooter donated to his causes and his petition to be allowed to do his stupid speaking event in NZ. Then murdered the innocent souls in cold blood at one of our mosques. So that's the kind of person who supports this fuckwad. No thanks. (NB not meaning to mislead, I'm personally agnostic, but say "our mosques" just as I would say "our churches/synagogues/temples/etc". A kiwi is a kiwi. A person is a person.)
#47
Weird Motives
wandile dludlu 4 years ago
I wonder if the so called "1st world" countries know that here in the 3rd world, we drive both and are required to pass your driving test using a stick shift
#48
Especially Clever
Vikram Bedi 4 years ago
If everyone starts using the toilet marked “ me” then “ everyone else “ would be left clean...
#49
Facebook Comeback
Helen Haley 4 years ago
The waiter is providing a valuable service with very little likelihood of customer death.
Add New Image
What do you think ?
Ray Martin 4 years ago
These are all excellent, but the Roomba one made me nearly spit coffee.
Panda Mona 4 years ago
Yes, great burns! But I had to google "Roomba" because I thought this was one of the 50% of wild species I just do not know by name :-)
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Vicky Zar 3 years ago
I‘ve got a comeback story, but I am not sure if you can call it good. Could some jewish persons please tell me if it is insulting or something? Or maybe you even like it? God, I really don‘t know if I should post it, but I am curious about your reactions. I‘ve heared it only second hand. You have to know beforehand, that Germany has many imigrants. Especially from Turkey. And some of them do not really integrate in our society. If I remember correctly the president of Turkey even demanded that Germany should build Schools for the Turkish living here.... but I might have misunderstood that. Nevertheless, some Germans are a bit ... miffed about the Turkish here. Anyway, here is the story: In an underground train in Germany some Turkish teens come in and make a ruckus. An old german Lady asks them to be quiet or mind their manners or something. But they don‘t listen. Insted they tell her that the Turkish will take over Germany anyway. //part 1
Vicky Zar 3 years ago
//part 3: obviously this is not funny in regard of the jews part, but it is a „good“ comeback in that situation.... or isn‘t it? Please tell me what you think! I don‘t even know if this story is true or an urban legend.
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Catherine Spencer-Mills 4 years ago
"Coronavirus is a fraud! It's just the flu!" According to the CDC, last year there were less than 34,000 deaths from influenza. This year we are over 300,000 deaths. No matter what you call it, it isn't good.
Aliquid A 4 years ago
if 90% of the people reading BP either find this funny, or just roll their eyes and move on... it isn't polarizing... upsetting *you* isn't the definition of polarizing, when you clearly represent a fringe group.
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Ray Martin 4 years ago
These are all excellent, but the Roomba one made me nearly spit coffee.
Panda Mona 4 years ago
Yes, great burns! But I had to google "Roomba" because I thought this was one of the 50% of wild species I just do not know by name :-)
Load More Replies... Vicky Zar 3 years ago
I‘ve got a comeback story, but I am not sure if you can call it good. Could some jewish persons please tell me if it is insulting or something? Or maybe you even like it? God, I really don‘t know if I should post it, but I am curious about your reactions. I‘ve heared it only second hand. You have to know beforehand, that Germany has many imigrants. Especially from Turkey. And some of them do not really integrate in our society. If I remember correctly the president of Turkey even demanded that Germany should build Schools for the Turkish living here.... but I might have misunderstood that. Nevertheless, some Germans are a bit ... miffed about the Turkish here. Anyway, here is the story: In an underground train in Germany some Turkish teens come in and make a ruckus. An old german Lady asks them to be quiet or mind their manners or something. But they don‘t listen. Insted they tell her that the Turkish will take over Germany anyway. //part 1
Vicky Zar 3 years ago
//part 3: obviously this is not funny in regard of the jews part, but it is a „good“ comeback in that situation.... or isn‘t it? Please tell me what you think! I don‘t even know if this story is true or an urban legend.
Load More Replies... Catherine Spencer-Mills 4 years ago
"Coronavirus is a fraud! It's just the flu!" According to the CDC, last year there were less than 34,000 deaths from influenza. This year we are over 300,000 deaths. No matter what you call it, it isn't good.
Aliquid A 4 years ago
if 90% of the people reading BP either find this funny, or just roll their eyes and move on... it isn't polarizing... upsetting *you* isn't the definition of polarizing, when you clearly represent a fringe group.
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