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There are a million different ways to be a family. As long as there is love present, it shouldn’t matter if a happy family consists of two people and a dog, two fathers and their children, two mothers and their cats, or even three parents and their kids.
While it may not be the most traditional way of living, polyamory is becoming more and more popular. According to Gitnux, 4-5% of people in the United States have been in a non-monogamous relationship before, and nearly a third of polyamorous individuals are parents as well. So if you’re curious about what it’s like to grow up in a polyamorous household, you’ve come to the right place. Reddit users who have poly parents have been sharing their experiences, so below, you'll find some of their most eye-opening and heartwarming stories.
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#1
Hey, it's a post for me! Honestly I think it's waaaaaaay more boring than most people would think. Most of the time, my mom wouldn't introduce a partner to me unless it was a long term relationship, so most of the time I got the single mom experience. I think the most exciting thing was going out for dinner to meet someone new, and occasionally my mom would date someone who had a kid my age, and we would awkwardly play together while our parents were on a date (as in, we were playing in my room upstairs and a movie date or smthn was going on in the living room downstairs). Really for the most part it was so completely average other than knowing my mom had 2 girlfriends and eventually I also got a stepdad. The worst part was around 6-8th grade when kids found out and started bullying me for it, asking all kinds of disgusting sexual questions about my parents (no one wants to think about their parents having sex). Eventually I learned to just not tell anyone unless we were close and I new they were cool. I only ever had one person I trusted enough to actually come to a family picnic where my mom's partners would all be there. My mom's partners aren't my parents but they are part of my life and my family. They're wonderful and supportive, and have helped me through some horrible dark spots in my life. I'm grateful to have such a wonderful, loving family.
So yeah, not very exciting, I know. But it's my life!
SirWriteALot 1 year ago
"My mom's partners aren't my parents but they are part of my life and my family". Cool!
RELATED:
#2
When I was young my folks dated a couple of couples. One was very long term, we were military families but they managed to fenangle a transfer together. So wow, that would've been like 8 years at least? They kept in close romantic contact when they separated, but idk if they qualify that as still being together.
They were my aunt and uncle, essentially. We and their kiddos got sent off to grandparents (theirs and ours) together to give them alone time. It was kinda a given that we'd all see each other every couple days, either they'd come to our house or we'd go to theirs. Not for them to sneak away for sexy time, but just to spend time together and be a family together.
I knew I could go to them about anything I could talk to my folks about and even some things I couldn't. That closeness continued even when my own folks split, idk what standing they had with them after that tho. Unfortunately, my aunt kinda had a psychotic menopause and we had to go nc with her.
Nobody knows that I'm still in contact with uncle tho. Idk how my mom would feel about it. But he stayed a rock for me when my own dad didn't.
Same drama as any other family I guess, just more players on the stage.
Nick (He/Him) 1 year ago
I really thought that the majority of people in a relationship with a couple with kids would not care about the kid but good to know that there are good people out there who do.
#3
When I was younger I didn’t realize mom and dad were poly, but now it’s funny to see my friends faces when I say “my mom and her wife and my dad and my dads girlfriend and his other girlfriend and I are gonna get together for dinner tonight.”
#4
It was fine.
The poly part didn't really become known to me till I was 13 or so. The only weird bit was if I was bringing home a friend or someone I wanted to go out with I had to kind of explain what to expect beforehand and some people got weirded out. 🤷♀️
I'm an adult in a monogamous marriage now - I saw first-hand that getting 3 people to come to a consensus on anything was exponentially more difficult than just getting 2 on the same page.
Edit - I just realized too - how I was raised also made me very comfortable with taking about sex and boundaries in a relationship, where I think a lot of me peers were more easily pressured into things they weren't comfortable with.
Donna Peluda 1 year ago
For a while my ex and I shared out bed with a girl and sometimes her GFs. I actually worked quite well. More hands to help around the house. My wife and I had night jobs and the girl was a hotel manager with a very flexible schedule. Her family were very religious and traditional, old money from Barcelona. I went as her boyfriend to her brothers wedding because they would let her go with her GF. It was a fun couple of years. The weird thing was that my ex was super jealous but didn't mind sharing bed with other girls. It was the closets I had to a happy family life. She moved out to work in south America for the hotel chain. Shame we lost contact, it was pre internet days.
#5
I had a therapist in a poly relationship and they all 3 had a child together that was around 9 when I met them, 2 dads and one mom.
Unfortunately, they couldn't be fully open about the fact that the 3 of them were in love since before she was born because the one she called dad worked for a religious college and that information getting out at all could have cost him his career, so she only called 2 of them mom and dad while she thought of the other like an uncle that visited every day.
She seemed normal, she liked to make slime.
#6
Hey this is one that I can finally answer, I come from what would seemingly look like a nuclear family, mom/dad/sister/me. My parents however would go out on weekends to swingers clubs or house parties. I didn't know this as a child, I would say I learned this when I was 13ish? and it was in discussion around jealousy and my response to jealousy in a high school relationship that I was in. I distinctly remember my dad saying to me, "Jealousy is a emotional response to you missing something, you need to work on finding out what is making you jealous" followed by a discussion about how him and mom have never been closed and that they were happy to seek other partners as they saw fit. There were many discussions around dating culture that I remember. I remember a few of the people that they were "friends" with would come over to our house. They were great people, I considered them like I would any other friend of my parents.
I ended up expanding into poly relationships early in high school, my triad went to the homecoming dance together for example.
#7
It wasn't a huge deal when I was a kid, essentially it was just like hanging out with your parents and their friends. Some of my moms SOs had kids my age that I got along with really well. That being said, a little while ago my mom was flirting with a guy and referred to me as her "mono kid" in the same tone I've heard ultra conservative folk refer to "gay kids" so our relationship is a little strained these days. Her other daughter is 12, so I'm really not certain why that comment was anywhere near necessary.
Edit: I forgot to mention, while they have never had any authority over me, she refers to her SOs as my "rampparents" because they're not quite stepparents, which is kind of funny
Edit 2 to explain some things:
Mono is short for monogamous. I am not poly.
The mono kid comment was mostly hurtful because the way she said it implied it was some sort of scandal or like it was a bad thing. Obviously this is one thing thats bad, she's not a horrible parent and person overall, but disapproving of some of my life choices just because they're different from hers is not a great parent move either.
No, I was not born into a monogamous relationship, so the comment really came out of left field.
Ramp-parents is a play on words because they're not married so they are not my step-parent, so ramp is instead of step as in stairs. Ram-parent had never even crossed my mind, but I can never un-think of it, so thanks for that.
Also, thank you kind stranger for the hugs!
Sorry if the original comment was confusing, English is hard :P
#8
I am 15 years old, and my parents often have potlucks where they invite their partners over. My parents are good people, and everyone they invite over are good people and have become my friends. I also usually will meet their children and become friends with them. It really is just a wonderful environment, but it is very difficult to maintain. More partners=more drama, and a lot of times two people will get in a fight and cause the whole group to split for a while. But all in all it’s pretty great.
Edit: this really blew up and there were a few questions in the comments so I figured I would elaborate a bit. My dad is bi and my mom isn’t, and the group of partners that they have(called the polycule) consists of well over 50 people, but not everyone is on a romantic relationship. And in any group of 50 people, their are people who can’t stand each other. So my parents circumstance is a bit of a special one, but it only leads to meeting more good people.
#9
My parents were poly since well before they got married and I was born. Mostly it was just boyfriends or girlfriends that would visit. I didn't know anything about sex, they didn't tell me anything inappropriate, although they did make sure that I wouldn't gab about who slept in what bed when I was young. They were dead scared of child services getting involved.
One of my mom's boyfriends became a lot more serious and he moved in when I was about 8 or 9. It was a lot like having an uncle move in. He became part of the family, drove me and my brother to places, got involved in our interests. I told people he was my uncle. He had another girlfriend aside from my mother, too, openly. He broke up with my mother in a big way (which they kept private from me) and moved out when I was maybe 14 or so. It might have been hard for my mother, but it wasn't traumatic for me. We kept in touch for a few years until he moved farther away for a new job. It wasn't like a divorce experience, more like my uncle moving out.
My dad had a serious girlfriend too, but she was also married with a kid my age; so she never moved in with us but we went and visited as a family a few times a year. She's great friends with my mom to this day. Her kid and I were good friends for a while and drifted apart as we got older, a lot like cousins.
Also I had my "aunt" who had no sexual or familial relationship with either of my parents, she was just so close a friend that she was practically family and she'd take me for a lot of weekends and summers. I thought she was legit my mother's sister until I was 8.
Also there were other friends that would move in while they got back on their feet, and I have no idea if sexual or romantic relationships were involved. We treated them like family-guests.
So basically we were a normal nuclear family with normal kinds of family relationships that just weren't conditioned by blood ties.
Edit: I think my parents were kinda neglectful and self centered, but not in a big way, and possibly not related to having multiple partners - I think it's just who they are as people.
#10
My son is a member of a throuple with two women. The first is his college gf who always had an open relationship, during a long distance period of their relationship he started very casually seeing girlfriend 2 but over time it got more serious and now they all live together. Things are happy and wonderful for them but I really do worry about how the dynamic would change were someone to fall pregnant. I worry about jealousies and inequalities rising up, but mostly I worry for my future grand babies. The societal pressures and teasing from outside the home as well as possible resentments and issues within the home. I can see how, if things work the way they are planned, it could be a wonderfully supportive and rewarding way to grow up, but you know what they say about the plans of mice and men!
So I actually really appreciate the insight of this thread, I want to be supportive of my beloved throuple but part of being supportive is discussing possible pitfalls in hopes of avoiding them and this has already highlighted some. It’s also pointed out some of the positives, so thank you.
Azolane 1 year ago
Pitfalls happen in all relationships regardless. I'll never understand how anyone's life choices is anyone else's business. Being myself dating a poly woman, it has brought me so much more happiness then the mongamous lifestyle I was trying to force upon myself because society expects it to be like that. Just live the way you want to live, as long as everyone is consenting. Communication is usually a lot healthier in true poly relationships.
#11
I actually have many poly friends and all their kids are all a bit...odd. Not exactly loners, but they are all the weird kids at school. The oldest one I know is now a grownup and has had a hard time with relationships.
I think they learn a different type of relationship model then get confused when they go out in the world and discover it doesn't work on most people. They don't know why.
#12
Wow, this applies to me! I grew up with 1 dad and 2 moms. My bio mom and my other mom both got pregnant at the same time, so I have a half-brother that was born two weeks before me. Since we are the same age, everyone thinks we are twins, but they get really confused when we tell them that no, we're two weeks apart. I also have a full sister, and my brother has a half sister that was born 18 years before him, who I'm not technically blood related to. Though she is still my sister.
My childhood was pretty normal except I had 2 moms instead of 1. Extra parenting I guess.
There were one or two cases of my dad getting another girlfriend and them moving in with us for a year or so. They just lived in an extra room and helped with us kids and all that. All of my parents had separate rooms.
One of my moms moved out when I was probably 10 because of issues with my dad's girlfriend. I still got to see her but not nearly as often. It was harder on my brother though, as it was his birth mom that moved out and he was stuck with my biological mom, who is kinda crazy.
We all still have a good relationship and I visit my other mom and my sister often. We are still a family, just a kind of weird family. Also all my parents, me and my siblings are all bisexual except for one. He is kind of the black sheep because of how normal he is, lol.
#13
It was amazing to see my parents be affectionate with not just their partners, but their friends. They would have platonic friends over for movie nights and all cuddle on a mattress on the lounge room floor. Both my parents are bisexual so we always learned that love is love, and we were allowed to love whoever we wanted.
Breakups were hard, we got attached to our parents partners, and then suddenly they'd be no longer in our lives. But one special partner, their first triad partner, she is still an incredibly important person in my life. She committed to us kids, separate to our parents, so when they broke up, she still loved and supported us. She lived in a different city, and when my sister and I grew up and went to uni, we moved to her city and now I'm closer to her than I am to either of my parents.
We learned to talk to adults as adults, we learned emotional intelligence, we learned that adults can still have fun and be silly at any age. We learned that family isn't blood, it's the people you choose to spend your life with and chosen family is the most important thing.
#14
My mother was involved in a poly relationship for a while when I was a kid. It was very confusing. For a while there were 4 of us kids around, me, the kid of the other woman, and the two kids of the man. We were all pretty confused and resentful. Our favorite joke was "pick a number and wait in line".
#15
hey, a question relevant to me! honestly, though, it wasn’t super different than any other way of growing up i assume, i just have one extra dad than everybody else. that’s just always how it’s been, and i never really thought about how ‘abnormal’ it was until high school. Even then it was more just thinking whether i really cared enough to explain to other people, or just go with a white lie on paperwork or whatever. Biggest difference i can think of while growing up is that there was ALWAYS someone home, which can be frustrating for a rebellious teenager.
#16
Ooh finally one I can answer!
My parents became polyamorous when I was around 6 or 7. They didn't tell me or my sisters until their girlfriend (long distance) came to visit for a few weeks. After that, they were pretty open about who they were dating if it was serious. All of my friends at school thought it was cool, it just seemed normal to me. The long distance girlfriend and mum broke up after a few years but was still with dad up until a couple of years ago (I'm 24 now).
There were never any huge issues, except for when mum and dad's girlfriend came to a family gathering and my mum didn't warn my grandma and then also when mum moved in with a boyfriend and we were living with dad and her other boyfriend. That was a weird time.
It gave me and my sisters the opportunity to see relationships, communication and platonic friendship in a more open way. We know that we can't expect one person to fulfil every need and so we try to keep our support systems diverse.
2/3 of us have been historically monogamous but I just got out of a 6 year monogamous relationship so who knows if I'll remain monogamous.
#17
I took a class with a Dr. Awasom at University of Houston - Downtown for a while. He would talk about his childhood growing up in Cameroon in a family with one father and about a dozen mothers. At mealtime, the kids would run a route from one mother to the next, all grabbing a bite from each. He says he was, IIRC, 12 when he learned which mother gave birth to him. When he came to Houston to study, he applied at Rice University. When filling out the application, he asked for an extra page to provide the names of all his mothers.
In his culture, he was considered to be the reincarnation of his grandfather. At a special ceremony every year, he would offer his grandfather's advice and answer questions on his grandfather's behalf. It was also in his authority to prescribe punishment for his father on this occasion. When Awasom came to the states, he would attend the annual ceremonies by phone.
Edit -- Apparently, Dr. Awasom passed away last year. There's a brief tribute to him here:
[https://www.forevermissed.com/lawrence-chi-awasom/about](https://www.forevermissed.com/lawrence-chi-awasom/about)
Hard for me to believe there isn't more about him online. Would love to have had his memoirs.
Michelle M 1 year ago
2/2. Regarding the familial dynamics within such unions, this African proverb encapsulates it well: "The family is like a forest; from the outside, it appears dense, but inside, each tree has its place."
#18
Had a friend several years ago that grew up with poly parents in Kansas. What he described seemed like a pretty healthy family/upbringing, and I would describe him as a well-adjusted, happy human. I don’t think either parent was particularly promiscuous, but throughout the years they would have other partners. He was a proponent of polyamory and had a pretty good way of explaining it - basically no one person can satisfy your everything, so polyamorists have more than one partner that allow them to experience romantic partnership on a fuller level of their being.
Polyamory isn’t my cup of tea, but it is possible to have healthy relationships with this lifestyle, including that of a family.
Parmeisan 1 year ago
I think it's more like, no one person should *have* to satisfy your everything. Say you find someone who is a perfect match for you in every way but one. They match your personality, they make you laugh, they have the same ideas about kids and finances, you're just like two puzzle pieces. But after a year or so together you start to realize you are asexual, or trans, or that you actually don't want kids, they have a kink they wish they could explore or something else pretty big. You could break up and both move on. That's valid. You could also choose to let them date someone else *without* breaking up. As long as it works for everyone and everyone consents, that's valid too.
#19
I grew up in a small town and 1/2 of the town were hippies. In the 3rd grade one of my friends couldn't go on a field trip because he returned a permission slip with the word "parent or legal guardian" crossed out and signed by the "group representative". Of course in the 3rd grade we didn't know what was going on until my mom explained it to me. But when the kid was told he couldn't go the whole hippie commune came over to class explaining to the teacher how all their kids will be raised by the group and it's damaging if they see a single person as their parent or guardian.
#20
It's fine. I got hella extra parents, but I wasn't allowed to have friends over when I was little cos my mom was scared someone would call CPS, and I don't get along super great with my stepmom. Not cos of the poly thing though our personalities just don't mesh well. I had one therapist insist that my beef with her was over the fact that she was f*****g my dad and not the fact that she routinely threw out my belongings. The other extraneous moms r cool tho.
#21
My parents have been a triad since 1998.
It was hard I wont lie, they dated a lot of 4ths who brought their own children into the mix then later break up with them. It was really difficult to constantly have parental figures and siblings come and go. The most being 13 kids and 4 adults in a 2 bedroom apartment.
I am glad though that I grew up with it, I'm poly myself and it was never something my parents encouraged or forced on us. In fact they always say not to try it unless you're a specific type of person. It introduced me to a wide arrange of people and broadened my mind to what family actually is which is the people who love you and make you feel safe i.e. chosen family.
#22
My parents weren't poly until I was a toddler, I guess? I thought of the other couple as just nice people my mom and dad were close with, they met online and came to visit, they all clicked well, and eventually the other couple moved in with my family. I didn't make the connection they were all together until I was a teenager, I suppose I thought they were all just roommates of sort (though bed swapping and sharing was occuring the whole time!).
By that point, my mom and dad had divorced and so had the couple- my dad married the other woman, and my mother married the other man. My mother has divorced and remarried again, and my father and stepmother are still together, almost 20 years later.
tl;dr in retrospect, it's just kind of an odd situation, but I honestly didn't even realize my parents were poly growing up and now my dad is married to the lady instead of my mom.
#23
Can't really say it felt werid or odd as it was just what I was used to but I think I can honestly say it's made me a more open and loving person, I'm not afraid of being close to people because my parents were always very close with their friends (for reasons that are obvious now but less so at the time)
I also grew up getting to know my parents friends quite well because my parents were very close with them and trusted them enough to look after us, although I'll admit this was probably more so they could have the house free of children. It does mean that I'm still quite close with a lot of them and consider them friends of mine outside of my parents friendship with them and I also have a few more parental figures to choose from, meaning I can pick the best ones from each to try and emulate.
All in all I'd say I'm a more well rounded person as I got to know a lot more people as family growing up as well as exposing me to many different personalities.
#24
My parent were swingers. They went to bondage clubs and things like that. I found out in my late teens, so I didn't really care all that much. I learned of it through my friend who told me his mom told him that my parents asked if they were interested one night when they were chilling in the hot tub.
Started to put the pieces together after that... All the "Halloween costumes" in that box that I always overlooked... It's weird, but whatever more power to them. Don't think they do it anymore though, they're getting a little too old for that life.
#25
Polygamy is very common on my dads side. My grandpa has 30+ wives. My dad has about 4 last time I heard. Anyway, it was awful. Hated that part of my childhood and my mom escaped and left with me when I was a child. Sometimes I see him. It’s just super awkward around him and my half-siblings.
Edit: my fault, I thought polygamy and polyamory where interrelated. Also I grew up in Papua New Guinea. It’s VERY common. Yes, my grandpa actually has 30+wives. I do not know my dads side that well which is why I can’t elaborate that much. Hope that clears things up :)
#26
Ummm, I hated it.
I should say that this actually only lasted about a year or two in my household. My dad was kind of a... whore. And really couldn't bring himself to stop sleeping around. After my parents got back together, for like the 5th time, my dad got the brilliant idea to involve a woman he had been dating while he and my mom were broken up. So she had one room, my mom had another, and my dad went back and forth every night and alternating weekends. I was told that I was never allowed to tell anyone because it was no ones business. I think I only told my childhood best friend. Anyway, it lasted probably less than two years and took a serious mental toll on my mom. Plus this 2nd woman was a b***h. Her and my mom would get into insane arguments that my dad and I would have to step in the middle of. After awhile my mom just straight up left. So then it was just my dad and this woman living together for awhile until he caught her cheating on him. He never tried poly relationships again after that. It was definitely not a mentally healthy time for anyone.
My mom and dad both eventually ended up in happy monogamous marriages though!
#27
This will probably be buried but it happened to my husband who didn't even realize it was happening. When he was a kid his father lived with his mothers, one of whom he thought was his birth mother and the other was an identical twin to her that he just called his aunt. He said it felt pretty normal, he never knew it was poly until much later in his life. Several years back, his mother had passed away and his aunt contacted him again asking if she could move in with him to have him help her as her caregiver. He agreed, and just before her passing he received a letter from her lawyer (written by the twins and his father) finally explaining everything. Turned out his aunt was his actual birth mother who had kids with his father too before he was born but who had passed away in a house fire. The mother that raised him was completely sterile and in fact had a hysterectomy at a very young age. He was in complete shock, but said it made sense how close everyone was in the house, despite keeping all the adult stuff behind closed doors. His big shock seemed more the fact that his father kept up two relationships instead of just one, and he was either scared, impressed, or both.
#28
I know 7+ families with poly parents and more with open relationships.
The kids are... kids. Some are great. Some are anxious or manic. It varies by parent and child, not by the poly.
The poly parents that aren't great parents are pretty comparable to the normative parents that aren't great. And the poly parents that are great are pretty comparable to the normative parents that are great.
The biggest differences I can think of are going to be about communication, affection, and love, but even that's just a tendency and not a definitive distinction.
That's my experience anyways.
#29
Ill caution everyone by saying, just like any relationship structure, there are good and bad examples.
There are mono parents that f**k their kids up by abandoning them, doing drugs in front of them, being married 3-plus times over their childhood. There are also plenty of poly relationships that are well executed with multiple partners. Hell, there are poly parents that just aren't dating anyone for large stretches of their kids' lives, so no one would even know.
But in general, when done in a healthy and organized way, it's pretty standard. Kids might grow up to be far better at organizing their time (poly folks know all too well how to manage multiple calendars) and maybe a little more empathetic since it's typically more progressive households that practice poly. But you won't find any more or fewer kids who came out f****d up imo.
#30
I know a few young adults who grew up in poly households.
From what I recall of them as children/teenagers - there was a fair bit of neglect, because often their parents would put their date nights and partner time ahead of the needs of the children.
There was also some resentment among the childless partners of people who dated poly folks with children, since there was often an expectation that the childless partner would provide free childcare (because children are a 'community' responsibility) when another partner wanted to go on a date with someone else. Unicorns (the "hot bi babe" sought out by hetero couples exploring polyamory) were particularly vulnerable to this.
What do you think ?
Appalachian Panda 1 year ago
I would like to point out to whoever assembled this list that being swingers and being in a long-term polyamorous relationship are two very different things.
My O My 1 year ago
I always wonder how a couple finds a third partner/another couple that suits them both
Alyssa Phillips 1 year ago
The communities are usually pretty secluded, but welcoming. There are clubs and lunches, parties and meetings. And surprisingly well regulated...that guy/girl who claims to be poly but is really just cheating is normally outed pretty quickly.
Load More Replies... Appalachian Panda 1 year ago
I would like to point out to whoever assembled this list that being swingers and being in a long-term polyamorous relationship are two very different things.
My O My 1 year ago
I always wonder how a couple finds a third partner/another couple that suits them both
Alyssa Phillips 1 year ago
The communities are usually pretty secluded, but welcoming. There are clubs and lunches, parties and meetings. And surprisingly well regulated...that guy/girl who claims to be poly but is really just cheating is normally outed pretty quickly.
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