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45 Of The Most Amusing Child-Friendly Insults That Members Of This Online Group Couldn’t Resist Sharing With Others
While insulting isn’t very nice and it’s meant to hurt someone’s feelings, sometimes you can’t help but admire the creativity of it. Especially if it’s not something banal like a slur or other profanity.
They are actually quite fun to analyze and leave you wondering why such a comparison was made. Sometimes they are so out-of-the-box that you may not understand if it was even meant as an insult.
Today we will look through such insults that are quite creative, subtle and are safe for work as Reddit user MeMyselfAndI24 specifically asked “What’s the best child friendly swear word/insult you’ve ever heard?”
More info: Reddit
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#1
My niece called me “Walmart face” recently and it stung more than I’d like to admit.
Swear words are an interesting part of our language as they are taboo and very widely used at the same time. Friends and colleagues may swear while talking to each other all the time, but not when they are in a more formal setting, in public or in front of family.
They help people relieve stress or blow off some steam if something is irritating them. Some research suggests that people who swear are more intelligent, more honest and creative. So the cause that makes us swear and the words themselves are more often negative, but the effect they have and the traits they indicate are usually positive.
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#2
When I was 11, my 8 year old sister and I were in a good natured TP battle with our neighbors a few doors down. One night we were doing the deed, when our 9-year-old neighbor, who was watching with his family, ran outside brandishing a fake cane yelling in a really good impersonation of an old man voice, “get offer mah lawn you bunch of squirrelly kumquats!”
I remember skittering home, hearing his mom laughing her head off. I’m pretty sure he made that up himself.
#3
My coworker told me that her preschooler learned to say "I'll pray for you," but that it comes out as the most shade throwing side eyed insult ever.
Even though adults swear in private all the time, they don’t want children hearing it. The Reddit thread in question is the perfect example of people searching ways of insulting others or swearing by using unusual words and phrases.
Bored Panda reached out to Timothy Jay, PhD who taught Introduction To Psychology and Cognitive Psychology in Massachusetts College Of Liberal Arts and who expertises in psycholinguistics and has a particular interest is swearing.
#4
When I was in high school someone called someone else a wet bag of chips in place of calling them a useless f**k.
Whitefox 2 years ago
My niece sucked all the flavor off the chips and put them back into the bag. I 100% agree this is correct lol.
SarDemMin 2 years ago
Why do I know this to be a true storyyyyy 😭 Why are kids so ewwww. My kid likes to put everything in his mouth. He's tried to put cigarette butts he found in the playground in his mouth 🤮 And now the new thing is spitting everywhere and licking all surfaces. Are all 2yo like this??
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Luis Hernandez Dauajare 2 years ago
"You are as useful as a screen door on a battleship...!" wait... that's not it...
Camilla Koutsos 2 years ago
A bag of wet crisps would be my suggestion. Those bags are waterproof :P
We asked him what leads adults to protect children from swear words and search for euphemisms. Dr. Jay told us that “Americans have an age-old custom of protecting children from certain aspects of life, such as sexuality, menstruation, birth control, offensive language/music/videos/games.”
The custom stems from the belief that swearing is harmful to children, “so most parents have rules about swearing in the home, although most of these parents break their own rules from time to time.”
However, the Professor Emeritus doesn’t agree that this is the best approach, “What parents need to do is teach their children that it is okay to have emotions. They have to teach children how to express their emotions in a manner that will not create personal or interpersonal problems.”
#7
One of the little kids I looked after was extremely mad at me one day. Pretty sure she was offended by my saying no to her. She glared at me, stomped her foot and called me “Mayor Humdinger”. For the non familiar Mayor Humdinger is the antagonist on Paw Patrol. I lost it, it was hilarious.
Lea Panthera 2 years ago
Using antagonists' names as insults? Why hadn't I thought of that? I shall now start calling people Hawkbutt, Sour-on, Hippo-chin, and Moldy Voldy(three cheers to you if you get all of the references!).
We may imagine that people who swear have a lower education, come from low-income families and lack social skills, but it truly doesn’t reflect reality. As mentioned, people who swear can possess positive traits such as intelligence and honesty more often than those who don’t swear.
Dr. Jay confirms it, “Swearing might indicate that the speaker is not holding anything back and gets to the emotional core of communication. People who have large, fluent vocabularies are also good at generating swear words.”
Not only swearing shows positive traits of a person, but it has positive outcomes and are used for positive purposes, “Swearing is used positively to: vent anger/frustration, substitute for physical violence, create peer bonding, create humor, allow for self-denigration.
#8
Growing up my dad randomly decided “Frankenstein” was a swear word and would pretend to get upset when we would “swear” at him. It still works 30+ years later 😅
My dad’s the best, I can’t wait to go home and visit with him this weekend!
#9
My kid recently referred to a kid in her class as a "brathole."
It’s not to say that people who dont swear are bad or stupid people who don’t have a sense of humor. And people who use child-friendly swears are not inferior either. Actually, Dr. Jay thinks that these milder swears may have the same effect as the heavier ones, “Depends on the particular person. Mormons use euphemisms (sugar, darn, fudge) that seem to work for their emotional expressions. Each person has a history of what will work for relieving stress as a matter of habit…so, it depends.”
#10
"first of all, brush your teeth"
Anything your say after that doesn't matter. They will already be dead inside
#11
My nephew called me a mashed potato once. I still don't know what I did to deserve that.
Do you express your emotions with swears? Do you think children should be protected from offensive language while they’re young? Do you know any other funny-sounding swears and insults that would fit this list? Leave us a comment below!
#12
Listen here you stick of unsalted butter
Bored&InSchool 2 years ago
That is so simple: there's no real meaning, it's just kinda goofy in the perfect way. lol.
#13
Met a guy who recently had a child, he started replacing his curse words with PICKLES. He would cut his finger and just scream AHH PICKLES
#14
"Why, You Stuck Up, Half-Witted, Scruffy-Looking, Nerf-Herder!"
_-Princess Leia_
#15
Son of a motherless goat. Makes no sense but always makes me giggle when I say it.
#16
I had a friend yell “what the peepeecake” while playing videogames with him while there were small children in voice chat. Everybody immediately cracked up. It’s perfect.
#20
You're supposed to be dumpster diving for ham scraps, you six piece chicken mcnobody!
#21
We were at the base of Old Faithful and, as it was erupting, the wind shifted blowing a totally unexpected big drift of spray on our son who was about 4 at the time. He was soooo mad he started running and swinging his arms, stomping his feet and hollering "Dag Darn It!" at the top of his voice over and over like a miniature longshoreman who just smashed his thumb with a hammer and, brother, he MEANT EVERY WORD HE WAS SAYING! 24 years later, I'll STILL say "Dag Darn It!" when I'm in a position where I feel the need to exclaim in a negative fashion but real swearing would be wholly inappropriate.
#22
I was a C.I.T at a day camp and there was this young kid with anger issues. He would often get into fights with the other kids and would have frequent temper tantrums when things didn’t go his way. One day on the bus he was sitting playing on his gameboy when the kid next to him starts drawing on a piece of paper. The boy with anger problems wanted a piece of paper and the other kid said no multiple times. Things got heated and the kid drawing said shut up. ( I know, intense). In which the other kid screamed,”SUCK MY GAMEBOY!” Unsuccessfully tried to hold in my laughter.
#23
Shisha pit ... I’m randomly dyslexic when I talk quickly and I tried to call my friend a piece of s**t (jokingly) and thus became shisha pit..
Ramirez rachael 2 years ago
My son and I switch small phrases all the time I can’t believe we never thought of this one!! Baco tell is our favorite late night taco
#24
"your face is a toaster"
I just looked at my nephew, eyebrows raised.
I was flabbergasted.
Bored&InSchool 2 years ago
oh, well then put some bread in my mouth and you won't be able to call me useless, eh?
#25
Your hairline looks like a MacDonald's sign
Federico Guerrero-Isaza 2 years ago
I didn´t know there were 99 billion people on earth. The more you know.
#26
My nephew called me a “stanky rainbow.” Best insult ever.
#28
I like to call people kartoffelkopf which means potato head in German.
#30
Gordon Ramsey taught his kids vegetable names to replace swears.
Shitaku for s**t was my favorite
#31
“You’re... not a nice person!”
Which was then followed by a shocked gasp from their friend.
Benita Valdez 2 years ago (edited)
Once upon a time in our late teens early 20's, my best friend went on a rant saying every possible insult and curse about a backstabbing "friend" after finding out they did some messed up stuff behind our backs. She went along on this tirade saying every curse she could imagine (and boy could she swear) and then ended it with "not nice girl". We lost it laughing with that final insult
#34
You’re an immature nugget!
Was skating with a buddy and we passed 2 little kids, one kid called the other an idiot and he promptly shot back with immature nugget. That was well over 10 years ago and that’s still our go to insult for each other
#36
Shiitake (like the mushroom) instead of s**t.
Gordon Ramsey’s child said it at school and they got upset. Upon calling Mr. Ramsey and explaining the situation they were then set upon by Gordon Ramsey for them getting mad at his child for NOT cursing. He of course explained to them that shiitake is a type of mushroom.
By yelling at them about it.
Love that man.
#37
You don't know grits from granola!
#38
When I was 6 years-old, my childhood best friend taught me the phrase, “Get out of my face, Face!”
It’s so stupid, but I still think it to myself sometimes when I’m in a crowded area and people are in my personal bubble.
#39
Idiot bunky nematode. My brother was maybe 3 when he said this to me and my sister.
#42
"Shog off!" It's from Shakespeare.
#43
My son (2.5 year old) will randomly scream in a shrill voice and smack your but and scream, "STIIIINKY BUTT!" he does this ANYWHERE and as loud as his tiny body can make the sound.
Zea Wolffe 2 years ago
You should teach him this is not acceptable as soon as possible. It's funny while its you, but one day he'll do it to someone else and then it'll be a bigger issue than you gambled for.....
#45
Oh BOB SAGET!!
What do you think ?
harpling 2 years ago
I taught my nieces to call people diphthongs, nimrods, and sesquipedalians at school. Their teachers have admitted to being a bit confused.
Ricky Moore 2 years ago
I still love...'go suck a fart out of a dead seaguls hole'......its a mouthful, but effective...😎
Just a lazy witch 2 years ago
"you first pancake of a man" by Mazikeen (Lucifer) is my personal favorite. And my second favorite is "you are not the sharpest pencil, are you?" :D
BasedWang12.7 2 years ago
C U Next Tuesday is a classic.. and one I ripped from a song " Your makeup looks like you headbutted a box of crayons"
Susan Bosse 2 years ago
When my son was about 7, we were driving somewhere and laughing about something and he yells "Shut your pothole, Mom!" I DIED laughing. We've said that ever since. He's now 20.
Whitefox 2 years ago
I work in a children's hospital. One night I was preparing a bottle for a baby. I was told their special bottle was all set up and all I needed to do was dump the formula in and tighten the nipple. This kiddo ate something called alimentium. This formula is one of the stinkiest ones out there. I dumped the can into the bottle and it shot straight out the bottom, down my pants and into my expensive new shoes. I grumbled, "Oh, fudge and Graham crackers!" in response to it all. I nearly had a heart attack when a sleepy voice from the other side of the crib whispered that was the best replacement curse they'd ever heard. I did not know the parents were in there.
Freya the Wanderer 2 years ago
My grandmother told me that my aunt on separate occasions called her a "Communist crab" and an "Irish frog."
oddly_informed_raven 2 years ago
I am disappointed by the lack of "your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries"
wowbagger 2 years ago
I can't believe BP was able to find appropriate pictures to go along with most of these!
Jordi Sharpe 2 years ago
An old boss would call you a pylon if you messed up. A guy I knew in treatment once said about another client "Strong like bull, dumb like forklift."
Indosidius 2 years ago
I have always been fond of "ectoplasmic afterbirth of a Martian gangbanger"
Jennifer Brown 2 years ago
C**p on a cracker or christ on a cracker....both come out at least 4-5 times a day. I can't say FFS so this has to make do.
Amanda Kumm 2 years ago
I was playing a board game with my kids where you're a zombie and you steal brains and put them in your head. I looked at my 8-year-old and calmly explained "you don't have a brain in your head..." and his brothers burst out laughing. So now we use this on each other!
Dan St John 2 years ago
My favorite lately has been, you will never be the man your mother is.
harpling 2 years ago
I taught my nieces to call people diphthongs, nimrods, and sesquipedalians at school. Their teachers have admitted to being a bit confused.
Ricky Moore 2 years ago
I still love...'go suck a fart out of a dead seaguls hole'......its a mouthful, but effective...😎
Just a lazy witch 2 years ago
"you first pancake of a man" by Mazikeen (Lucifer) is my personal favorite. And my second favorite is "you are not the sharpest pencil, are you?" :D
BasedWang12.7 2 years ago
C U Next Tuesday is a classic.. and one I ripped from a song " Your makeup looks like you headbutted a box of crayons"
Susan Bosse 2 years ago
When my son was about 7, we were driving somewhere and laughing about something and he yells "Shut your pothole, Mom!" I DIED laughing. We've said that ever since. He's now 20.
Whitefox 2 years ago
I work in a children's hospital. One night I was preparing a bottle for a baby. I was told their special bottle was all set up and all I needed to do was dump the formula in and tighten the nipple. This kiddo ate something called alimentium. This formula is one of the stinkiest ones out there. I dumped the can into the bottle and it shot straight out the bottom, down my pants and into my expensive new shoes. I grumbled, "Oh, fudge and Graham crackers!" in response to it all. I nearly had a heart attack when a sleepy voice from the other side of the crib whispered that was the best replacement curse they'd ever heard. I did not know the parents were in there.
Freya the Wanderer 2 years ago
My grandmother told me that my aunt on separate occasions called her a "Communist crab" and an "Irish frog."
oddly_informed_raven 2 years ago
I am disappointed by the lack of "your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries"
wowbagger 2 years ago
I can't believe BP was able to find appropriate pictures to go along with most of these!
Jordi Sharpe 2 years ago
An old boss would call you a pylon if you messed up. A guy I knew in treatment once said about another client "Strong like bull, dumb like forklift."
Indosidius 2 years ago
I have always been fond of "ectoplasmic afterbirth of a Martian gangbanger"
Jennifer Brown 2 years ago
C**p on a cracker or christ on a cracker....both come out at least 4-5 times a day. I can't say FFS so this has to make do.
Amanda Kumm 2 years ago
I was playing a board game with my kids where you're a zombie and you steal brains and put them in your head. I looked at my 8-year-old and calmly explained "you don't have a brain in your head..." and his brothers burst out laughing. So now we use this on each other!
Dan St John 2 years ago
My favorite lately has been, you will never be the man your mother is.
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