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Autistic Son’s Aggression Puts Siblings In Harm’s Way, Mom Considers Putting Him Into Care
Interview With Expert
Sometimes parents face choices like deciding whether one should stay home or both should work, or whether to move for a new job opportunity. But what happens when the safety of your children is at stake?
For one mother, the situation became so dire that she found herself wondering if separating her family was the only way to protect her younger children from her eldest son’s increasing aggression driven by autism.
More info: Mumsnet
RELATED:
Parents usually face difficult decisions, but when a child’s aggression driven by a disorder threatens the safety of others, the stakes become even higher
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Unsure of the financial costs, the author and her husband are considering living separately or placing their autistic son in care
Image credits: Crumplesock
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
As the author’s son grows older, his aggression is increasing and is leading to daily injuries inflicted on her, her husband, and their other children
Image credits: Crumplesock
Image credits: Aidan Roof / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Worried about her son’s growing strength, she spoke with social services who stated that it is now a case of abuse and that her other children need to be protected
Image credits: Crumplesock
The author faces a choice of placing her son into care or splitting her family apart, but she’s unsure if she’s being unreasonable for considering those options
The Original Poster (OP) explained that her son is autistic with a PDA (pathological demand avoidance) profile, and as any parent of a child with autism knows, managing their needs can be incredibly challenging. She and her husband have been following a “low-demand” parenting style, which allows their son to make decisions at his own pace.
After he was excluded from school, they decided to home-school him, believing it was the best option. They’ve also taken courses like the At Peace Parenting course, to help them figure out the best way to raise their son.
But despite their best efforts, the OP’s son’s aggression has been steadily increasing as he grows older. His behavior is becoming harder to control, and it’s reaching a point where it’s becoming unsafe for his younger siblings.
The OP explained that despite her efforts to keep the children separated at all times, it’s incredibly difficult to manage when only one parent is home to supervise all three. Unfortunately, the family, including her and her husband, are sustaining daily injuries due to this ongoing aggression.
To make matters worse, the OP’s son has been getting stronger. He’s taken to working out at home, focusing on lifting weights and doing pull-ups. While the OP believes it’s fantastic that he’s pursuing a healthy hobby, on the other hand, she’s terrified by how much stronger he’s becoming.
She witnessed him do 20+ pull-ups and deadlift more than 1.5 times his body weight. Her son has also told her that he’s lifting to make himself “the strongest,” and to intimidate others. Now, she’s concerned because his growing strength now surpasses hers, and soon, it might even rival her husband’s.
The OP acknowledged that her son’s aggression stems from the trauma he experienced in school, particularly the bullying he endured, however, she’s mostly worried about the danger he poses to his younger siblings.
She reached out to social services where she learned that the situation has crossed the line into child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse, and they have recommended protecting her other children, but that advice has left the OP torn.
The OP is now considering splitting the family apart, either by putting her son in care or moving into two separate homes to keep the kids apart. The idea of splitting her family apart is devastating, but the safety of her children is the priority.
Image credits: Keira Burton / Pexels (not the actual photo)
To get some professional insight into the situation, Bored Panda reached out to psychologist Florence Okezie, who works with autistic children and teenagers. Okezie suggested that the family consider seeing a psychiatrist for medication to help reduce aggression.
She also emphasized the importance of support, understanding, and encouragement in this situation.
When asked about the potential effects of living apart, Okezie said it could relieve stress in the short term, but warned that it wouldn’t be a long-term solution. “It is not an effective long-term solution as the relationship between the parents and the child can suffer,” she explained.
She added that placing a child in a care system should be the last resort after exploring therapy options such as TEACCH (Treatment and Education of Autistic and Communication Handicapped Children), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and occupational therapy.
The comments from netizens expressed empathy but pointed out that the situation does appear to be abusive. They advised the OP to prioritize the safety of her younger children. As one user stated, “What you are enduring has been recognized as abuse. You need to protect yourselves and your younger children.”
Others suggested looking into the care route as it could be the best option for the well-being of the entire family. Overall, the consensus was that the mother should not feel guilty for considering a solution that would protect all her children, especially in such a difficult situation.
If you were in the mother’s position, how would you approach this situation?
Netizens maintain that while keeping her other children safe should be her priority, living apart is not effective, but putting him in the care system is the best option
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What do you think ?
Bertha Madott 2 weeks ago
I hate to be cynical but years from now the siblings will be in therapy because their childhood was destroyed by the abusive older brother. And the mother’s defense of him (smart artistic etc).
LakotaWolf (she/her) 2 weeks ago (edited)
So because he is autistic and has temper and aggression issues, he can't be smart or artistic? His mom can't be proud of his positive attributes? EDIT: lol wow, people. I'm not saying the kid doesn't have issues and he should probably be in a facility suited to care for him (he should be), but you guys are saying it's NOT OKAY for his own mother to love the POSITIVE qualities that her CHILD has. Okay. Wow. Hope you all have absolutely perfect children and pets, because you're apparently not allowed to love their positive aspects if they have negative ones.
Load More Replies...
greenideas 2 weeks ago
If the other children are being injured multiple times every day, then they likely already have some form of PTSD. Meanwhile, mom is like "hmm, maybe he shouldn't be near my children."
Bookworm 2 weeks ago
Yeah I'm pretty bothered by how everything is focused on the autistic son. What about the other two?
Load More Replies...
Marnie 2 weeks ago
I'm a little confused. Sound like he doesn't have an intellectual disability. (It wasn't mentioned, anyway.) He's autistic. Autistic people can become overwhelmed with emotions and have meltdowns. To my understanding, being purposefully violent is not common. She said he tried to poison kids with glue! That's not an emotional reaction to overstimulation or frustration. Autistic people can have other issues as well. Could he have antisocial personality disorder? It's rare for that to be comorbid with autism, but not impossible.
Amy S 2 weeks ago
It also says he has PDA (pathological demand avoidance) which can trigger the fight or flight reaction for very simple things, like telling him he has to brush his teeth.
Load More Replies...
Mark Childers 2 weeks ago
What an incredibly sad situation, but they need to keep the younger kids safe. If they're getting hurt on a regular basis, they need to make a change. At some point, something terrible is going to happen otherwise.
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 2 weeks ago
This child is a danger to himself and others. He needs help that the family cannot provide. My only concern is that care facilities for disabled people can often be very abusive, so I hope if they send him somewhere they make sure it’s a good place. But they can’t continue the way they are.
FreeTheUnicorn 2 weeks ago
It may be far too late but since he is interested in working out, maybe look into martial arts that have a strong philosophy of respect and violence only as defense. But if the younger children are being injured daily it sounds like it's past time for more drastic intervention.
Jenny 2 weeks ago
There might be a middle ground here: They could seek respite care. He could be taught coping techniques in the correct environment with professional carers. If that doesn't help, then I can see full-time care being the only safe option for the rest of the family. It's such a sad situation for everyone.
Lisa Jones 2 weeks ago
I think this is a situation where the son who has autism and PDA could benefit from a private boarding school specifically for children with autism. I know these schools exist here in the UK and I know how beneficial they can be for children. I should stress - these are NOT punishment, they are in fact excellent schools that only take pupils with autism and work with them as experts to get the best out of them and help them in every way possible. They are incredibly positive and have great success. They are also paid for by the Local Education Authority in the UK. By removing the son who is being abusive from the home, the parenta and other children will be safe. The son will get therapy as well as education and NO bullying. Hopefully it could turn this situation around.
Cronecast AtTheRisingMoon 2 weeks ago
Oh, what a nightmare for those poor parents but it sounds like being put into care is the safest option for literally everyone including the son with autism and conduct disorders. Sooner or later he’s likely going to do something with legal consequences and care is better than jail. He tried to poison his siblings that is indicative of a true tragedy in the making.
Beak Hookage 2 weeks ago
There's an unfortunate stereotype that autistic people (especially kids) are angry and violent... but it has some basis in fact, sadly. Especially so when it's a late diagnosis and the kid has been bullied and traumatised. Source: my own childhood. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my teens and I went through some pretty horrific s**t at school. On one occasion a group of other kids tried to crush me to death with a display board. When you're in a situation like that, your thoughts are likely to start going down a very dark path. Mine did. I had violent fantasies about killing people. I started to hate everyone on the planet. I lashed out physically and threw things. I probably didn't pose much of an actual threat because I was a girl and not all that strong, but the point still stands. I was lucky and found ways to channel my rage into creative pursuits instead of hurting people, but put all that rage into the body of a powerful young man and this is what you're likely to get.
sharyn turnicky 2 weeks ago
Are you posting for affirmation of a decision you know is right? At some point a real tragedy is going to happen. Then what?
Bertha Madott 2 weeks ago
I hate to be cynical but years from now the siblings will be in therapy because their childhood was destroyed by the abusive older brother. And the mother’s defense of him (smart artistic etc).
LakotaWolf (she/her) 2 weeks ago (edited)
So because he is autistic and has temper and aggression issues, he can't be smart or artistic? His mom can't be proud of his positive attributes? EDIT: lol wow, people. I'm not saying the kid doesn't have issues and he should probably be in a facility suited to care for him (he should be), but you guys are saying it's NOT OKAY for his own mother to love the POSITIVE qualities that her CHILD has. Okay. Wow. Hope you all have absolutely perfect children and pets, because you're apparently not allowed to love their positive aspects if they have negative ones.
Load More Replies... greenideas 2 weeks ago
If the other children are being injured multiple times every day, then they likely already have some form of PTSD. Meanwhile, mom is like "hmm, maybe he shouldn't be near my children."
Bookworm 2 weeks ago
Yeah I'm pretty bothered by how everything is focused on the autistic son. What about the other two?
Load More Replies... Marnie 2 weeks ago
I'm a little confused. Sound like he doesn't have an intellectual disability. (It wasn't mentioned, anyway.) He's autistic. Autistic people can become overwhelmed with emotions and have meltdowns. To my understanding, being purposefully violent is not common. She said he tried to poison kids with glue! That's not an emotional reaction to overstimulation or frustration. Autistic people can have other issues as well. Could he have antisocial personality disorder? It's rare for that to be comorbid with autism, but not impossible.
Amy S 2 weeks ago
It also says he has PDA (pathological demand avoidance) which can trigger the fight or flight reaction for very simple things, like telling him he has to brush his teeth.
Load More Replies... Mark Childers 2 weeks ago
What an incredibly sad situation, but they need to keep the younger kids safe. If they're getting hurt on a regular basis, they need to make a change. At some point, something terrible is going to happen otherwise.
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 2 weeks ago
This child is a danger to himself and others. He needs help that the family cannot provide. My only concern is that care facilities for disabled people can often be very abusive, so I hope if they send him somewhere they make sure it’s a good place. But they can’t continue the way they are.
FreeTheUnicorn 2 weeks ago
It may be far too late but since he is interested in working out, maybe look into martial arts that have a strong philosophy of respect and violence only as defense. But if the younger children are being injured daily it sounds like it's past time for more drastic intervention.
Jenny 2 weeks ago
There might be a middle ground here: They could seek respite care. He could be taught coping techniques in the correct environment with professional carers. If that doesn't help, then I can see full-time care being the only safe option for the rest of the family. It's such a sad situation for everyone.
Lisa Jones 2 weeks ago
I think this is a situation where the son who has autism and PDA could benefit from a private boarding school specifically for children with autism. I know these schools exist here in the UK and I know how beneficial they can be for children. I should stress - these are NOT punishment, they are in fact excellent schools that only take pupils with autism and work with them as experts to get the best out of them and help them in every way possible. They are incredibly positive and have great success. They are also paid for by the Local Education Authority in the UK. By removing the son who is being abusive from the home, the parenta and other children will be safe. The son will get therapy as well as education and NO bullying. Hopefully it could turn this situation around.
Cronecast AtTheRisingMoon 2 weeks ago
Oh, what a nightmare for those poor parents but it sounds like being put into care is the safest option for literally everyone including the son with autism and conduct disorders. Sooner or later he’s likely going to do something with legal consequences and care is better than jail. He tried to poison his siblings that is indicative of a true tragedy in the making.
Beak Hookage 2 weeks ago
There's an unfortunate stereotype that autistic people (especially kids) are angry and violent... but it has some basis in fact, sadly. Especially so when it's a late diagnosis and the kid has been bullied and traumatised. Source: my own childhood. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my teens and I went through some pretty horrific s**t at school. On one occasion a group of other kids tried to crush me to death with a display board. When you're in a situation like that, your thoughts are likely to start going down a very dark path. Mine did. I had violent fantasies about killing people. I started to hate everyone on the planet. I lashed out physically and threw things. I probably didn't pose much of an actual threat because I was a girl and not all that strong, but the point still stands. I was lucky and found ways to channel my rage into creative pursuits instead of hurting people, but put all that rage into the body of a powerful young man and this is what you're likely to get.
sharyn turnicky 2 weeks ago
Are you posting for affirmation of a decision you know is right? At some point a real tragedy is going to happen. Then what?
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