You are so right. Took my partner well over 9 years to realise her husband had slowly taken control of her life and then abused her for not complying to his wishes 100% of the time. She carried guilt and responsibility for the abuse because he convinced her that she was the one at fault. It took a lot of courage on her part to escape and rebuild, thankfully now she’s largely slain her demons and 11 years on she’s in a far better place, she’s carried her children through and she’s an awesome Mum, a great partner and a happy, calm person. I suspect if we’d read her story halfway through her marriage we may have judged her and said ‘why are you in the relationship?’. Walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you judge eh?

That's a very thoughtful comment. Glad you're ok now ❤️

Yes, and one of the things that keeps people in abusive relationships is a sense of shame. Their partner makes them feel worthless, and that makes them feel helpless, which makes it harder to leave. Telling them that they're TA only increases this sense of shame and makes it harder for them to gather the emotional resources to leave. This is not a time for tough love.

I understand the mentality of "if there's kids involved it's okay to call her an AH" but.... My friend's sister attempted to leave an abusive relationship and he tracked her down and killed the children in front of her. Maybe there really are cases where women stay with abusive men because they couldn't give a s**t, but sometimes I think they just feel like they'd rather their kids grow up with horrible pain and trauma than not grow up at all. Even in less extreme situations, abusive people are REALLY good at convincing their partners that leaving would only make things worse. Ironically they often do this by convincing the victim they're an unfit parent, in which case "tough love" like calling them a selfish AH and a bad mom plays right into the abuser's hands. Tbh it's very hard to help a person extract themselves from an abusive situation, and the idea that it's up to internet to say the right things is pretty terrifying.

You aren't the AH for being in a relationship with an abuser, but you are for subjecting children to abuse by forcing them to live with an abuser. Its not acceptable to put your kid in a daycare with a terrible safety record and history of berating children, it's so much worse to force them to grow up in a home like that.

I understand how people can feel trapped, and can choose stability or status over their own wellbeing. When you don't feel worthy, it's hard to insist on respect, you can feel like you deserve bad treatment. People can make that choice to stay, it's a bad choice but it's theirs to make. But when there are kids involved it's different. You are ruining their lives, setting in motion cycles of abuse and allowing the most vulnerable person imaginable to be abused. If you aren't actively getting out of an abusive relationship (it does take planning) and you have kids, you are a selfish AH. You are condemning them to trauma, and teaching them not to try for better. You might live them, but you are letting them down in the most fundamental way.

Thank you for saying this. I was in this situation when I was young (married at 16, we had three kids in 4 years). It took someone I trusted saying it out loud for me to realize I was being abused, and another year to get out.

I call BS! If a person isn’t able to recognize abuse of any kind, they don’t need to be in a relationship in the first place. This ‘but I didn’t know it was abuse’ junk is a damn scapegoat and excuse for not getting your head out of your a*s and making you and your children’s safety a priority. Too many times women just don’t want to face up to it, don’t want to lose their lifestyle, whatever. This SOB is already abusing the unborn daughter by not wanting her because she’s not a boy. The OP makes excuses for all his behavior. She needs to grow a pair and put her children first and divorce this idiot ASAP!