Getting to babysit your nieces and nephews can be a great way to spend time with them and build close relationships. Besides, showing up and supporting family in this way isn’t difficult, especially if they live not far from each other. However, it can feel hurtful when such efforts are completely underappreciated.

When redditor Smellycatandthebat’s help got overlooked by his sister, he didn’t hesitate to retrieve his babysitting services. Without having anyone to watch her kids, she became furious, calling him all sorts of names.

Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with parenting coach and founder of Personalised Parenting Solutions, Katherine Elizabeth, who kindly agreed to tell us more about babysitting for family.

Getting to babysit nieces and nephews is a great opportunity to spend time and bond with them

Image credits: Satura_ (Not the actual photo)

However, this uncle refused to babysit them anymore after his sister called him lazy

Image credits: LightFieldStudios (Not the actual photo)

Image credits: smellycatandthebat

One of the benefits of using family for babysitting is familiarity

In a previous interview, childcare and nanny coach Shannon Parola told us that one of the benefits of using family for babysitting is familiarity. “You know these people well and often trust them very much.” In most cases, it also means that parents get lower-cost or free childcare, and families get to make memories while spending extra time together.

However, asking for such favors can negatively affect a family’s relationships. Parola says that tension often arises when parents disagree on how their relative handles certain childcare situations or doesn’t meet their expectations. Or when they unexpectedly can’t take care of the child anymore due to illness or injuries.

Conflict may also arise when the caregiver is being unappreciated and/or overworked and they finally reach their breaking point. If they start feeling like they’re being taken for granted, parenting coach and founder of Personalised Parenting Solutions, Katherine Elizabeth, recommends being honest.

“Parents in the modern day are often overwhelmed and exhausted, they may not have realized they aren’t appreciating the help enough. But the family member also needs to manage their expectations of what they see as being appreciated and communicate this clearly. Try to pick a time when the parent is as least stressed and tired as possible!”

On the other hand, Elizabeth believes that it’s not appropriate for parents to expect their family members to babysit whenever they need to. “Whilst I absolutely believe it takes a village to raise a child, and we are a species that thrives on community, parents are fully responsible for their children at all times. They should see it as a favor and be grateful—not on a huge scale, but just enough for the family member to feel valued and to let them know how helpful it is,” explains Elizabeth.

Image credits: Helena Lopes (Not the actual photo)

It might be difficult to decline or speak up, but nailing down the tactic of saying ‘no’ is important

Even though it may cause inconvenience to parents, a person is allowed to say no to their babysitting request, especially if they feel that their efforts are being overlooked or it’s interfering with their relationship. Failing to inform family what one really thinks about babysitting can turn into resentment in the long run as well.

“Declining a babysitting request is a tricky one. It would depend on exactly why they wanted to decline,” says Elizabeth. “But again, it is better to be open and honest about why, and say it at a calm time, and in a calm way.”

If you’re put on the spot with the expectation that your answer will be positive, refrain from automatically agreeing to a babysitting gig. Instead of saying ‘yes’ right away, your go-to statement could be, “I know you need to make your plans but I need to think about it. Can I let you know by “x” date?” This already plants doubt in their minds that you might won’t be able to do it.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth says, “The family member shouldn’t move their decision or fight back if the parent gets agitated—hold the line calmly. The parent may need to go away and think about it, or calm down before coming back with anything constructive.”

Maintaining honesty and respect when declining is crucial. “Don’t lie, and don’t offer too many details,” licensed clinical social worker Lauren Schapiro says. “Always keep the reason about you because no one can argue with your needs and feelings, notes Lora Brawley, founder of Nanny Care Hub. Even though it might be tempting to lie to preserve the relationship, it often has the opposite effect, harming the relationship even further.

Elizabeth adds, “I think family members often get roped in when parents are struggling with behavior—they are overwhelmed themselves and reach out for anybody to give them a bit of respite—it’s important that parents recognize it’s not normal to feel that way, you should be able to have your children at home with you all day, and be able to get jobs done or have time to themselves, without their children constantly bouncing in demanding food or entertaining! ”

Image credits: Lina Kivaka (Not the actual photo)

The author shared more information in the comments

Some readers believed that his behavior was justified

Meanwhile, others disagreed

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